Going over your "number" to get your desired gender

[belleweather]

Hi there. This is my first post, although I've been reading for a while. So please forgive me if this is the wrong forum.

DH and I have three boys, 7, 5, and almost 18 months. When we got married we decided (after a lot of conversations, considering he originally wanted one...) to have three kids. For the last 10 years we've been dreaming and thinking and planning for three. But... we both always assumed that one of those three would be a girl.

I wouldn't trade my little guy for a million, billion girls. But I had a really tough time after our 20 week scan with that pregnancy and it didn't let up after his birth. So now we're trying to decide if it's worth going over our agreed-upon number to have a baby girl. To be clear: We'd go straight to High Tech, do not pass go. I freely admit that we want a gender more than a baby... if we'd had a girl instead of my wonderful, perfect littlest boy, we'd be over the moon happy with three.

On one hand, our family of five feels solid and manageable. And there are a million reasons not to add to it -- I work internationally so we travel A LOT. Another child means not only another airline ticket, but going to two hotel rooms and having to rent a larger car, so it makes everything more expensive. It would mean going up a bedroom in the condo we're looking at buying (for vacation/home leave property) or when we're renting a home in the US. It would mean another college education as well, and we're not real sure how we're paying for the three we have to go to college! Another baby seems to grow all the expenses and considering that we're mostly stuck on one income due to visa regulations, that's a not-inconsiderable problem. Plus, we're not religious so there's a lot of cultural pressure against large families. Our parents and friends would be horrified (some of them already are, since we have three instead of the more accepted one or two.) and not at all supportive.

Plus, I'm 35 and not getting any younger. It seems like all the logical, hard-fact based reasons argue for not going over three. And normally, I'm the kind of gal who listens to those reasons, who sucks it up and does what she's supposed to and doesn't let herself have something just 'cause she wants it.

On the other hand, I want to be mama to a little girl. Not even to dress her in pink or anything, but because I love being a woman and would love to share and pass that down to another woman, to see her grow and come into herself. There's also an argument that it might be better for us to have a bigger family -- we move to new countries every 2-4 years for work, so siblings are the only stable playmates my kids have. And there's a part of me that has always envied the big families of my parents generation (Grandma had 5, other grandma had 4) and the loud, noisy chaos of aunts and uncles and cousins that our kids don't get because neither my or DH's siblings have partners or intentions of having kids. I've mostly tried to live my life in such a way as to minimize regrets, and I know I would regret not having a daughter for the rest of my life.

I know there's got to be other women who have wrestled with this same dilemma and solved it one way or the other. I could really used the benefit of your been there, thought about that advice.

[Gimmeapinkone]

We originally only wanted 2 kids. After we had our 2 boys we decided to try again. At the time I told myself its because we wanted another baby and not because I wantd a girl. Well now looking back after having my 3rd boy I realise it was more about gender than the baby.

I didn't even really factor in having a 3rd boy, I thought for sure that it would be a girl. I was absolutley devastated when we found out but knew 3 was our number. Dh got the snip after ds3 was born. I think it was mostly because I knew that I would want to try for a girl again but didn't want to have 4 kids.

Anyway fastforward to now, 12 months down the track and we are planning to go ht to get our girl.

I still am not keen on the idea of having 4 kids but like all of our other kids, you just make things work and you adapt. And I know that will be the case when we have our girl.

I think the regrets I would feel about not at least trying to have our girl would outweigh the adjustment to having 4 kids.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I hope that help you in some way :-)

[RKT Mama]

I could have written most of your post.
We planned on 3 kids and even though DS3 was a boy, I thought he was my last and had a Mirena put in.
But I couldn't get over not having a girl. By the time he was 18 months old I was planning my international "holiday" for IVF around the date I wanted her to be born.
About 2 months before we were due to leave a baby girl came up for adoption and for a while it looked like it may work out, but it didn't.
Unfortunately our cycle of IVF failed and while the option was there to try again, it would take time to get enough leave and money to try again.
We looked back into adoption, local and international and fostering but every time I thought I was getting somewhere the door would close.
Eventually I landed up swaying and I was lucky that it worked for me. However it was a very long and stressful TTC and pregnancy.
I thought I was ok with a baby but once I was pregnant I really regretted not going HT again as I was not okay with a boy.

My baby girl is a month old and while she is still just a newborn and not "girly" yet, it is like a piece of me is now complete. I can enjoy her brothers and project my girl hopes on to her.

At the same time, 4 kids is hard work and as the oldest gets into teenage hood, very expensive. My kids will miss out on some things because there are 4 of them but hopefully it will be work it.

We have had quite a few negative reactions to having 4 kids. My father is still pretty unimpressed (but smart enough to keep quet) but overall people are too busy with their own lives to really care unless it affects them directly.

I have noticed that people seem to have celebrated this baby a lot more than DS3, I am not sure if that is the girl thing or just different circumstances.

From what you have written above it sounds like you are pretty switched on and logical. Your circumstances actually sound perfect to go HT for your girl although as I and others have learnt, the HT journey is a bit longer and more complex for some than others. Good luck with your decision

[1+2+3boys]

Sounds like you have answered your own question towards the end of your post. I always knew I wanted three kids but am willing to go only one over that to have a daughter. I want a girl so much and if I were in your position I would be doing that HT but it is not really an option for us. People say you regret the children you don't have not the ones you do and you always make work with what you have because you have to. Lucky for me DP wants one more and I have to at least try so I am not wondering the rest of my life. I did not sway with any of my boys and I would rather try and fail then always wonder. If one or both of the twins had been a girl then I would be done. I can not accept going through life without having a daughter. I too love being female and it is heartbreaking thinking I may not get to 'make my own woman'

[nuthinbutpink]

The guarantee is everything. It is much more expensive with 4 than three. Traveling with 4 is not the same as 3 because you no longer fit into a hotel room.

But, it is hard to put a price on your dream so if you have the means to go HT, go for it.

[hotdogz&boyz]

Despite all of the more "logical" reasons...if you have a way to make the desires of your heart become reality, I would do it. :)

[belleweather]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts.

I'm pretty sure that it's the travel thing that is holding me up -- the extra airline ticket every time we want to go home (when I just dropped nearly $3000 on air fare, and the littlest is still a lap baby, UGH) would make it hard to see relatives and make good on promises we made to our boys about going to summer camps and seeing their grandparents and godfather regularly. The hotel issue is mostly a problem in the U.S. where for some reason we're married to the 'one hotel room, two beds' model more than anywhere else. But we GO to the U.S. a lot, because that's where HOME is, so it's no laughing matter.

I don't know. DH has some ideas about starting a business for himself that would let him work regardless of whether he can legally work in the countries we live in -- if he were bringing in income (ANY income!) I think it would be an easier decision to make.

And we're new to this job and expat lifestyle and don't really know how it's going to effect us long-term. When I think about whether we would have gone for four if we were living at home in the U.S. it's an almost obvious yes. Our house (which we're selling) would easily fit four kids, and with my husband working and us not traveling all the damned time, the financials would make significantly more sense.

[ocean]

I'm considering the same question, except from 2 to 3. We don't have the expat/travel concerns, but would have substantially larger childcare costs, need to move to a larger apartment, and the biggie of the college education, etc etc. But one of the things I'm sort of stuck on besides managing 3 kids over the long run - the dr appts, school mtgs, homework etc, and what that could mean for my career and sanity - is how we're going to do our long car trips to visit family. So I can understand where you're coming from as you think about travel.

Though unless you're making LOTS of trips to the US per year (like more than 3?), even with another ticket and hotel room, you could probably manage that increased cost with some careful budgeting. Esp if your husband started making an income. I'd at least want to add up what $ amount that cost is and really look at it. And as your 3 kids get bigger, wouldn't you eventually want 2 hotel rooms so people aren't all over each other?

I think I'm answering my own question by answering yours -- which is I think you should go for it. We know these costs are small in the grand scheme of paying for a kid over the decades, and that there are so many benefits to outweigh the budgeting needed. Our boys will benefit a huge amount by having a sister, by having that perspective in their lives. Your youngest son will have a sibling much closer to his age to go through life with. No matter if HT works or not, you will hopefully fell more at peace that you tried, and not live with the regret that you didn't try for your dream. Regret, I find, is really what's hard to accept, not the reality of my (overall pretty great) life.

We both work FT, with the hours and sacrifices and stress that comes with it. We deserve to go for our dreams. We're working so hard to make the dreams of our family members possible - our own should be in there somewhere too.

[1+2+3boys]

I guess the question to ask is how much do you REALLY want a daughter? Is it a sore feeling that you can brush aside with telling yourself how lucky you are because of A, B and C or is it something that really pulls at your heart strings painfully? I think 3 to 4 is a biggy, for one because you can no longer get a standard car that seats three kids across the back and we don't have much money. I have to really think how much will it be worth it to have a daughter, worth the slightly less time my sons will get from me? It will make me happier so that has to be a good thing right. At the momment I am still dreaming so don't care about the consequences, I just want one girl. I wish I could do HT though for that garentee. Imagine going through it all 'just' to get another boy

[PlanB]

Yes we revised our number. It is worth it if it works.

[ELP]

I can only offer advice from the side of the big family and its that, there will be things that your children will miss out on or that will become more awkward with the larger family but what the extra person brings instead is to me so much more:) Our friends over the road are taking their 2 children to Florida this year (we're UK) and this I know will be amazing!!! But when my other children (we will soon have 10) come home from school every night they go straight to the baby and all of their faces light up and we all laugh at what ever funny things he is doing that day, so if I was to weigh up 2 great weeks on holiday or having their faces light up every day then I chose the daily laughter lol:) Your boys would adore their little sister and the new dynamic she would bring, she would help teach them things especially when moving around like responsibility and family sticking together which I know they will have any way but a little extra always helps;):bigsmile:

You sound like a very sensible person, how about giving HT one shot and if she arrives you know shes meant to be and if its unsuccesful you can close the book and say 'This is my family!!' and look forward to the future, then if in the fiture things become more home based again you will be familiar with the HT route and may even go back for another go. Best of luck:)

[KidAtHeart]

I feel like I could have written your post. I also have three boys - ages 10, 7, 4. I also am the type of person who *mostly* falls into line with what I'm 'supposed' to do (btw - hubby was happy with two, had to talk him into three, let alone a fourth!). But on this one, I just couldn't. Like you, I also try to minimize my regrets. We went HT for a girl bc we wanted the guarantee. After two failed cycles, we closed the door on that chapter. And yet... I still couldn't let go. I saw so many people around me who seemed to have tried for that one last baby - and get it - that I just couldn't drop it. And, since we were willing to have four kids (with HT), it seemed that we could have four kids without HT too. It was HUGE gamble and lucky for us it paid off. We didn't find out until very late in the pregnancy what we were having. It was difficult not knowing, but it kept me a little sane. Finally, I relented to finding out when I had just about six weeks to go. I figured if it was a boy, it was good to find out ahead of time and make peace. Also, I wasn't going to tell anyone that I knew if I felt I couldn't handle it - it would buy me time to put on my happy face.

It's hard to say how my life would be if this was boy #4. I'm sure it would have been a bitter pill to swallow. But then again, there would be positively NO regrets and I was fairly certain that I'd rather have four boys (and in time come to accept my family make up) than live with the regret that I didn't try one more time to have a daughter. I'm 40 now, so this really was the end of the line. Now that I have her, even though four is a lot of work, I feel a level of peace and contentment that I had been searching for.

One more thing - I felt bitter about having three boys. So many of my friends had PP and stopped at two. And here I was, still going through diapers and nap times, and I STILL didn't have a girl to show for it. I thought that even if I had a girl, I would still feel bitter that I had to have this big family in order to get her. And happily, the bitterness just melted away! I adore having a big family now (I come from a family of five, so I'm fortunate that having a big family is treasured in my family - my husband, one of just two, had a lot more doubts on this front). And if anything, I look at my third boy and see him as a gift that gd brought me. I do feel like I went through a very dark tunnel for a long time, and now I am emerging from that darkness and it feels great.

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

I never had a number in my head as to how many children I would have. I just had my 5th three months ago. I wanted a girl and got her after 2 ds's. And then I wanted to give her a sister and went on to have 2 more ds's...lol. My family is now complete but if my husband came to me and said he wanted another (that would NEVER happen) I'd go for one more in a heartbeat!!

[Mum23boys]

I have 3 boys and am currently 9 days from my due date with baby 4 sexy unknown .... We swayed and if it doesn't work that's it dream gone .... If we could afford ht we would like a shot but sadly for us it's not an option - if u can do it unsay go for it - u will always regret it if I don't

[Everyonehasgirls]

I have always wanted 3 children (but that's before I knew how much hard work they were!). If I don't get my DD with number 3 I just wouldn't be able to cope with a fourth so will just have to find the strength to get over my disappointment and enjoy being boy mum! :happy:

[3littleladies]

As much as I would love to have a boy I just wont, because 3 is all I ever wanted & besides im 39 not that the age is too old cause I know a few mums to be who are in their early 40's, but me personally I feel its not right for me to have anymore.

If you feel you can handle having 4 children then I say go for it, cause I totally understand why you desire a daughter.

[odd]

We went from wanting 0 kids to having 1 DS..and now I want another one - My hubby just agreed to be on board with the baby #2 plan lol

[missmegrn]

Dh and I always wanted at least 2 or 3 kids, but after dd1 was born he really didn't want more. I convinced him to have another and we got pg with dd2 our first month trying. When I found out dd2 was a girl, I was upset because I knew dh would be against having 3 kids eventhough we had discussed it before we got married. When dd2 turned 1, I tried again to convince him to have baby #3, and he was really reluctant. It wasn't until a few months later he had agreed try to have another child. We are still ttc#3, its been harder than either of us thought it would be. With that being said, I do believe 3 is our limit. Financially supporting 3 kiddos will be very interesting and probably stressfull. If I ever get pg with #3, and it is a girl, I might try to discuss ht with dh, but I am not sure if we could afford 3 kids and ht for a 4th. If money was not an issue and I could be a stay at home mom, I think more than 3 would be feasable, but given our current circumstances I highly doubt more than 3 will happen, but who knows what our future holds.

[retrolove1]

I have two lovely boys and currently pregnant but not sure on sex yet. I would of been happy with two but have now gone to three. I think if this is another boy then that will be it, however if I could afford HT then I would have a 4th without a doubt.

For some GD disappears but for others it won't, I think you need to think if another 2/3 years down the line will you still be feeling the same but then your chances are slimming down?!

Good luck xx

[monkeysnuffer]

I would totally revise my number if I had the means to go HT.

In my family, it was always preached to have 1 child so as to give them the best of everything. The preferred gender was girl. Well, everyone in my family managed to pull off having just one girl, except me. When my son came along, he was the first boy in my family born in 30 years.

So, for awhile I struggled with the empty hole in my heart for a daughter and the way I was raised that an only child was optimal.

Finally, I threw out my preconceived number and conceived another child instead LOL. I am pregnant with my daughter now, due Jan. 18.

Throwing out my number was so worth it. And for what it's worth, if it was a boy I would go HT and make a girl for baby #3. Life's too short not to realize your dreams, especially if you have the means to achieve them.

[Mumof3girls]

My husband was happy with 2 kids but I really wanted 3 and now we have 3 girls I really want one more. Im not going to sway again I will only do HT because I am already going 1 over my limit and know this will definietly be my last chance for a boy.

[tmbabcock]

Originally I only ever wanted two children, 1 girl and 1 boy. When I was pregnant the first time I knew right away it was a girl. I always knew I would have a girl first. When I got pregnant again I was so convinced DD2 was a boy. I literally had every wives tale you could think of point to boy. I also think I was in denial. When I found out DD2 was a girl it hit me hard. I was crushed. DH and I discussed again about going over our agreed number. We decided we would wait till our youngest hit kindergarten. So about 5 years. Which was perfect timing for my iud to come out. Well one year later my iud fell out! I took it as a sign that it was time to try for number 3. DD2 is now 18 months and I am 6 weeks pregnant with #3. I am very excited. I am dying to find out what this one is. I don't feel like I can truly enjoy this pregnancy till I know. If it is a third girl. I will be very sad but I will handle it. I did sway this time I and I do feel good about my sway but I am refusing to let myself get a gut feeling about what I'm having because I refuse to get my hopes up to be let down. My husband has said 3 is it. No more. I am very scared by that statement if this one is not a boy. Mainly because even though we are financially comfortable most of the time right we could not financially afford a 4th. However, we are young (I turn 26 next month and DH turns 29 next month) so if sometime in the future I financial stability grows I will be going for number 4 and going HT if number 3 is a girl. As of the moment I have already gone over my desired number to try for a boy. There are definitely financial challenges that we will face but we were willing to go forth and attempt. I think it was the best decision even with the challenges we have ahead but I am okay with that and so is DH. My suggestion is to go with what your heart tells you and not your head. I know for me personally I would have lived my life with regret if we had not tried again.

[WantingPink]

You will never regret the children you have however, you will regret the children you don't have. I always saw my family as being two children however, when child #2 was a boy I knew at the 20 week US I wanted to try again. DH was very much against having any more but over time and with a lot of tears (from me) he finally gave in and we have a DD!! I would always regret not trying for a third.

[hoping4agirl2014]

My DH and I had decided on two when we first started talking about children but as we are now TTCing our fifth baby. After having DS#2, I really wanted another baby and then when he was about two I decided I wanted to sway to try to have a girl. DH finally said yes and we both decided that he would get a vasectomy after the birth of our fourth son. He would never schedule the appointment and then he told me that wasn't sure he was ready to stop having children. Our fourth son was the only one of the four that he had gotten to be with during the entire pregnancy and and birth through infancy. He was deployed or training with the other three during most of there infancy.

So we started talking seriously about having another baby and he said he wasn't sure and then decided that he really wanted to try one more time for a little girl. Agreeing to take the supplements and anything else I asked of him. We asked our boys what they thought of having another sibling and they were okay with it so we are now in our second month of TTC. We are all hoping and praying for a little girl. :)

[pebmcpd7]

My DH and I had decided on two when we first started talking about children but as we are now TTCing our fifth baby. After having DS#2, I really wanted another baby and then when he was about two I decided I wanted to sway to try to have a girl. DH finally said yes and we both decided that he would get a vasectomy after the birth of our fourth son. He would never schedule the appointment and then he told me that wasn't sure he was ready to stop having children. Our fourth son was the only one of the four that he had gotten to be with during the entire pregnancy and and birth through infancy. He was deployed or training with the other three during most of there infancy.

So we started talking seriously about having another baby and he said he wasn't sure and then decided that he really wanted to try one more time for a little girl. Agreeing to take the supplements and anything else I asked of him. We asked our boys what they thought of having another sibling and they were okay with it so we are now in our second month of TTC. We are all hoping and praying for a little girl. :)

Hope you get your little girl!! XXX

[hoping4agirl2014]

Thank you pebmcp6. I hope your birth is smooth and quick. :)

[1+2+3boys]

Just lately I have been feeling quite at peace with the thought of another boy and even though I'd prefer a girl so much, I just want a number 4 baby. I guess that makes 4 my new number but not sure whether or not I would be willing to go over that! Time will tell but hopefully I will not have to ponder that thought. I love pregnancy and always wanted three kids and part of me feels that by having twins one of my pregnancies was taken from me