Failed Method for a Girl

[Beckey]

I found this page tonight and I am glad I did, as my emotions are a mess.

After having 2 beautiful boys my husband was intent on making me happy, so although he was unsure about another baby, the thought of a girl helped make his mind up, and I desperately craved a daughter to share that special bond.

We researched and researched, using calendars and diets and tips for nearly 18 months. Using shettles method and with everything documented we were convinced when it finally did happen that we had got our girl... The wait till the 19-week ultrasound to make it official took forever!! We had also never found out the sex of our baby's before, so this was a first.

The technician’s announcement was "you already have 2 of them you would think you would know what you’re looking for,” confirmed very insensitively it was another boy...that was last week.

I cried and cried... my husband went from feeling sad, to sorry for me, to angry at himself for only producing boys, for shattering my dreams = and so I feel I can no longer talk to him as I don't want him feeling so bad.

We told friends we did not find out the sex, and all I can think of is the "oh they didn’t get a girl" response when bubby is born. I don’t want to tell anyone, I feel so alone. Thinking about professional help but feel to guilty to admit my feelings, like I am against the beautiful healthy baby in my tummy.

3 was our limit, really 2 for my husband so I feel my chances are over, I will never know the bond of a mother daughter relationship and it breaks my heart no end... I find myself looking at gender IVF, and with no idea how we could even afford such a thing wondering if I will ever get over this?

I thank you all in advance for reading my post. It's nice to get it off my chest, even if only in writing.

[I Love Ladybugs]

I just found out we are expecting boy number #3......and three is our limit as well. I don't have great words of wisdom to share, just lots of hugs. For me, it is the loss of the daughter dream.....and learning to move forward without. ((((hugs))))

[Waiting4Daisy]

My third baby boy crushed me at gender ultrasound. I actually felt almost numb. When he was born though, he was so super delicious and lovely that I fell instantly, intensely in love. I'm sorry it's the end of a dream but I took think our dreams can change and evolve as we do. You will love this sweet little boy and he will steal your heart away. Something very special about a third child.

[Beckey]

Thank you both.
It's absolutely the loss of the daughter dream that crushes my heart. This baby boy will melt my heart I know, he will be loved so much & I have no regrets for the beautiful baby's I have.
I just wish I knew how to move on, and deeply worry I never really will... Will I want to do the IVF for a girl & push my husband into it, I worry so much ill always feel the empty spot & be sad if I don't.

[prayforprincess]

I can totally relate.
It is the loss of the dream that hurts the most.
I always said "Its not that I don't want another son, its that I don't want to live without a daughter".
There is such a difference. Like people think you won't love him or something. Of course I will!! More than anything! But that doesn't make my desire for a daughter go away!
Its like this empty whole in your heart that can never be filled -- no one wants to live like that ... its just not fair.
I am sorry. I really have no works of wisdom for you -- I have considered help myself but I wonder what for ??
For someone to tell me to be happy with what I have; to know that God has a plan I may not realize right now; to be appreciative my boys are so smart and handsome and healthy .... I know all that!!! And I am -- but again it still doesn't make my longing for a dd go away. I feel like nothing will until I have her and I haven't figured out how to cope yet if I never do. I am still hoping and praying with all my might that I won't have to face all that and that my 4th WILL be a dd. I don't know how I will move forward if its not....

[1+2+3boys]

Those last two comments, I can relate to so much

[Beckey]

Prayforprincess are you pregnant or planning a 4th? I think if I was ever to go back I'd want to make it a sure thing with IVF gender selection, I know how controversial that sounds, but I never want to feel the way I do now again, it feels so wrong on the beautiful baby growing inside me.
I totally agree, it seems strange to ask for help with something we just need to deal with-but unfair to have to deal with it too. Really appreciate all your posts & although I'm greatful at not feeling alone, I am sorry more people have to go through these feelings.

[prayforprincess]

Beckey -- have you looked at my sig?
I felt the same way as you when i found out my 3rd was a boy. I cried and cried at the u/s and made my dh take me to the fertility office the next town over to assure me that they would do pgd for my next baby.
I went into Dylan (my 3rd ds) believing for sure he was my last boy. I even gave away so much boy baby cloth's because for my 4th I was having a girl -- I was doing pgd so why wouldn't I? I thought it was a slam dunk. I was fertile, healthy and when I started pgd only 28 years old.
I'm now almost 31 and having done 4 IVF/PGD cycles and 1 frozen transfer cycle I still don't have my daughter and we are out over $60,000 because of it all. Not that the money is everything, but had I known it would not be successful -- there is a hell of a lot I would rather do with $60k; yet on the flip side if I had my dd, it would have been worth every penny.

I am now back at start. I know I want another baby but we just cannot move forward doing another pgd when there is no guarantee. How much money are we going to waste? At what point does one have to draw the line and say "I've tried everything I could do, if there is a God out there, he knows how badly I've tried and cried and the heartbreak I've gone through to have a daughter" --- all I have left now is to rely on faith.
There are times I still cry. There are women who have 1 cycle and are successful and I ask "why couldn't that be me?" And yet I get pregnant so easily on my own. Its just not fair.
I wanted my kids close. Like I tried my 1st ivf so that my 3rd and 4th would be 2 1/2 years apart. Now after all this trying -- if I get pregnant like this month, my 3rd and 4th will be more than 5 years apart. Its like an only child. But I tell myself if its a girl she'll be into her own things anyway.
Sometimes I tell myself that my 4th has to be a girl. After all I've been through the universe would just be cruel not to give me a dd.
My SIL just went through an IVF process (they have complications) and is pg with 1. Of course did not do pgd b/c they were not going for gender at all. But I just know it will be a girl. Like they did it once, did not even try for gender and its a girl. I did it 4/5 times!!! Its just not fair.

I guess I'm telling you all this because I don't want you to go in thinking ivf/pgd is a sure thing. Its not. Its amazing if it works but there is no guarantee it will. If your RE does not stim you right the 1st time, you won't get good enough or enough eggs -- and most RE's are conservative the 1st time because they don't know how your body will react to stims. You have to get good eggs, then hope a lot fertilize, then hope the ones that do are normal girls, and then hope those normal girls actually implant in your uterus and then hope you don't miscarry it for some unknown reason like I did. Even though all 24 chromosomes can come back normal, that doesn't mean that all the 100's of thousands of genes are perfect. That why not all "normal" embryos implant. So like: if you get 12 eggs, 8 fertilize, only 6 may live to day 5 and of 6 only 2 are normal embryos (about a 1/4 they say). They could both be boys, there could be a girl but it doesn't implant.
I'm not trying to be a pessimist. I am just trying to show you there is no "sure thing for next time" and I don't want you to get false hope like I had for next time.
I know I want another and I have to try again naturally now. I have no choice other than to rely on faith that after everything I will get my dd. And to be honest, while I will love a son more than life itself - a part of my soul and faith will be shaken..I'm not sure I'll believe in much anymore if the universe would do that to me. And that's not the little selfish girl in me whose throwing a tantrum not getting what she wants in the end, that's the part of me that knows there is only so much a person can go through and so much disappointment and heartache a person can take.
It took me 10 months to conceive after my ivf's and I couldn't have been more thrilled. I had even stopped trying and I just felt in my heart it was my daughter. Only to have just found out in May that the baby implanted in my c-section scar and was growing in my cervix. They had to bring me in for emergency surgery and cut out a part of my uterus to get the baby out or I would have died. It was devastating. They told me I could need a hysterectomy depending on how things went, which thank god I did not. And what killed was that the pathology reports came back and said the baby was totally fine and healthy -- it just implanted in the wrong place. Only 5 cases of such a thing documented in the whole country. Really?
Talk about luck. But those kind of things DO make you realize how lucky you are to have a healthy pregnancy and it Does put things into perspective. I'm just thankful I can still have another baby.
I wish you so much luck Beckey and I know you will love your little bugger - and I hope that with whatever you decide for a 4th that someday you'll either meet your dd or come to peace with the beautiful family you have. That's all we can hope for - peace in our hearts with the life we've been given...clearly, I'm still struggling with that myself.

[babygirlforme]

We have had similar paths p4p. I could have written your post. It's just not fair. I wish you every luck in getting your DD. (((HUGS)))

[Beckey]

OMG.... I'm speechless!! Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I was of the belief it would be a shore thing, having no fertility issues as such and doing IVF-I felt if we did decide to take that path I would get my DD... Your story has given me alot of insite thats for sure, and unfortunately $$ are an issue and I'd hate to take that path and feel it was for nothing, thats so heartbreaking on it's own. You are an amazing person in going through all that you have, although you are struggling, I think you are extremly strong and I can't begin to imagine how hard things have been through everything. My husband believes we are not meant to have a DD-but for the minute I cannot come to terms with that. A part of me hopes once this bub is born I will somehow be satisfied with my family as complete... I am so scared my feelings would tear what I do have apart otherwise. If I cannot have a girl I do not want another baby-as 3 was always our limit and I am pushing in my heart having these feelings as it is, this is why IVF would be our only option as I now believe that to conceive naturally would only bring me heartache. So much to think about and I truly value all the information you have given. It would be even more costly for me as to do such treatments as not allowed in Australia so I would have to go overseas also.

[prayforprincess]

I wish you all the luck.
Experiences in life change how you view things and desires of the heart.
When I had my 3rd son, I too thought I would never want a 4th unless it was a girl -- hence all the ivf to make it a "sure" thing.
Every second after Dylan was born was waiting for my ivf to have a daughter. And every minute after that was trying for a girl and trying for a girl. Last summer, after my last ivf -- I had to change my mind set because I had to come to grips with the fact that we could not do more ivf and if I wanted another baby it might not be a girl. That was hard -- it still is. But since then I have been trying for a BABY with hopes that its a girl.
And so many in my life wonder why I'm even still trying after all I've been through and all this time. My kids are all in school now and life is easier -- I have time to myself, you know? All wonder why I want to start over again now.
But after everything - my story just can't end with nothing -- you know? I just feel like I need another baby to have closure, and I knew with Dylan that I would have a 4th so I didn't say goodbye to babies and having children with that pg...I just assumed my next would definitely be a girl and now its 50/50 again.
But after all I have been through I realize that we are all so lucky to be able to have babies that are so healthy and happy. Getting pg so easily with my boys I took advantage of how easy it is to have a child -- because it was for me. But going through what I did I realize its not easy all the time and it certainly hasn't been easy trying for this 4th. I guess my luck ran out and I'm just hoping I'm again blessed with a beautiful child (hopefully girl) to finally complete my family.

[Beckey]

It feels so wrong to feel as I do & I'm so great full to have learnt I'm not alone. My husband keeps saying "perhaps they got the ultrasound wrong" I know they didn't, but he simply doesn't know what else to say to try & ease my pain. We have little family support & I am a working mum so 3 kids was always going to be tough... But to talk of 4 I fear will break my family & I'd never want to risk that, so I don't say much out loud. I have friends struggling to get pg at all after years, and with that in mind-how can I complain!! I had a vision of my family & now it's been changed I wish I knew how to cope & deal with that... I spoke to someone recently who said I should stop trying to be picture perfect in my mind, as from the outside looking in the picture is already perfect-there is prob a lot of truth in that!!

[Navywife620]

I can related to your post. I found out i am expecting my 3rd boy in June. I was heartbroken. Crying all the time, asking what I did wrong to not deserve a daughter. I just wanted one, that's all. It doesn't help that everyone seems to be having girls around me. It has gotten better, there is still a hole in my heart. I pray all the time that once he's born that hole will fill and I will finally feel my family is complete. I am worried if that hole doesn't fill it was drive me into trying again and that was not the plan. We wouldn't do HT and I know my husband would not agree to it.

[Beckey]

Navywife620 it sounds like we are in very similar situations...

[3boys and a VR]

Wow crazy to hear so many in my same situation! I have three boys 14, 10, and 6. After my last son my husband had a vascetomy. It was really hard to agree to since I was so devastated about not having a girl. We have recently agreed and had a reversal to try one last time for a girl. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and just know that it will be a boy so it won't be so disappointing! Not sure how that will workout! I am researching swaying just so I know I gave it all I could. Not starting to TTC until January so I can attempted to figure it all out (as much as possible).

[Mathilde]

It is wonderful to know you are not alone isn't it? My sil says it gets better with time, she gave up at three too.

[Beckey]

3boys & a VR I wish you all the best of luck!! I know I did everything to possibly get a girl & still don't understand how it's not, having to of conceived 2-3 days before ovulation-I calculated everything for 18 months!! Perhaps that's what makes it worse, we were convinced we had done everything right...
Matilde it really is nice to know your not alone, because you truly feel like you are.

[Mabel_79]

Beckey- could have written your post myself. Only just found out that I am pregnant with my third boy at my 20wk ultrasound 2 days ago.
My husband never even wanted 3 so this really was supposed to be our last. I have cried for the past 2 days (to the point my Mum tried to call the Dr as she thought I had depression or something)(She had a girl and a boy so her lack of understanding and comments like "I wouldn't have minded either way what gender I had" are not really helpful as I can't see how anyone who had both genders can possibly know that. I 'thought' I'd be OK with another boy so long as I had one more 'try'. Didn't realise how severe my reaction would be.
I applied for 3 jobs today and have started my 'saving for pdg' plan. Considering DH is convinced this is our last baby ever, my dreams are most likely just fantasy and will never happen, but I need to do something to keep myself positive or I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this.
We have a massive family reunion in 2 days time and I'm so scared that if anyone talks about the pregnancy I'm going to burst into tears (and I'm one of these people who hates portraying weakness and always likes to be the strong one who copes well with things etc). They all know it's a boy as I told my Mum and she told everyone. Got so many comments of 'sorry u didn't get your Princess' that I am already feeling the pity which I hate.
Anyway - I'm going to continue researching PDG as it's keeping my dream alive, and then hope that then DS3 is born I am so happy with my 3 boys I no longer need my girl dream. xx

[monkeysnuffer]

Wow, the tech told you like that?! Wow.

HAve you considered adoption? I know it's not for everyone but costs might be easier to get help with then IVF>

[monkeysnuffer]

Beckey -- have you looked at my sig?
I felt the same way as you when i found out my 3rd was a boy. I cried and cried at the u/s and made my dh take me to the fertility office the next town over to assure me that they would do pgd for my next baby.
I went into Dylan (my 3rd ds) believing for sure he was my last boy. I even gave away so much boy baby cloth's because for my 4th I was having a girl -- I was doing pgd so why wouldn't I? I thought it was a slam dunk. I was fertile, healthy and when I started pgd only 28 years old.
I'm now almost 31 and having done 4 IVF/PGD cycles and 1 frozen transfer cycle I still don't have my daughter and we are out over $60,000 because of it all. Not that the money is everything, but had I known it would not be successful -- there is a hell of a lot I would rather do with $60k; yet on the flip side if I had my dd, it would have been worth every penny.

I am now back at start. I know I want another baby but we just cannot move forward doing another pgd when there is no guarantee. How much money are we going to waste? At what point does one have to draw the line and say "I've tried everything I could do, if there is a God out there, he knows how badly I've tried and cried and the heartbreak I've gone through to have a daughter" --- all I have left now is to rely on faith.
There are times I still cry. There are women who have 1 cycle and are successful and I ask "why couldn't that be me?" And yet I get pregnant so easily on my own. Its just not fair.
I wanted my kids close. Like I tried my 1st ivf so that my 3rd and 4th would be 2 1/2 years apart. Now after all this trying -- if I get pregnant like this month, my 3rd and 4th will be more than 5 years apart. Its like an only child. But I tell myself if its a girl she'll be into her own things anyway.
Sometimes I tell myself that my 4th has to be a girl. After all I've been through the universe would just be cruel not to give me a dd.
My SIL just went through an IVF process (they have complications) and is pg with 1. Of course did not do pgd b/c they were not going for gender at all. But I just know it will be a girl. Like they did it once, did not even try for gender and its a girl. I did it 4/5 times!!! Its just not fair.

I guess I'm telling you all this because I don't want you to go in thinking ivf/pgd is a sure thing. Its not. Its amazing if it works but there is no guarantee it will. If your RE does not stim you right the 1st time, you won't get good enough or enough eggs -- and most RE's are conservative the 1st time because they don't know how your body will react to stims. You have to get good eggs, then hope a lot fertilize, then hope the ones that do are normal girls, and then hope those normal girls actually implant in your uterus and then hope you don't miscarry it for some unknown reason like I did. Even though all 24 chromosomes can come back normal, that doesn't mean that all the 100's of thousands of genes are perfect. That why not all "normal" embryos implant. So like: if you get 12 eggs, 8 fertilize, only 6 may live to day 5 and of 6 only 2 are normal embryos (about a 1/4 they say). They could both be boys, there could be a girl but it doesn't implant.
I'm not trying to be a pessimist. I am just trying to show you there is no "sure thing for next time" and I don't want you to get false hope like I had for next time.
I know I want another and I have to try again naturally now. I have no choice other than to rely on faith that after everything I will get my dd. And to be honest, while I will love a son more than life itself - a part of my soul and faith will be shaken..I'm not sure I'll believe in much anymore if the universe would do that to me. And that's not the little selfish girl in me whose throwing a tantrum not getting what she wants in the end, that's the part of me that knows there is only so much a person can go through and so much disappointment and heartache a person can take.
It took me 10 months to conceive after my ivf's and I couldn't have been more thrilled. I had even stopped trying and I just felt in my heart it was my daughter. Only to have just found out in May that the baby implanted in my c-section scar and was growing in my cervix. They had to bring me in for emergency surgery and cut out a part of my uterus to get the baby out or I would have died. It was devastating. They told me I could need a hysterectomy depending on how things went, which thank god I did not. And what killed was that the pathology reports came back and said the baby was totally fine and healthy -- it just implanted in the wrong place. Only 5 cases of such a thing documented in the whole country. Really?
Talk about luck. But those kind of things DO make you realize how lucky you are to have a healthy pregnancy and it Does put things into perspective. I'm just thankful I can still have another baby.
I wish you so much luck Beckey and I know you will love your little bugger - and I hope that with whatever you decide for a 4th that someday you'll either meet your dd or come to peace with the beautiful family you have. That's all we can hope for - peace in our hearts with the life we've been given...clearly, I'm still struggling with that myself.

Were you able to find out why pgd didn't work? My heart aches for you. I am in tears.

[Beckey]

Adoption is not for me.

I went for a 3D fun ultrasound last week and feel like I met my baby, it was the most amazing experience and I fell in love... All this time I have been so worried about how I would cope with my 3rd DS being born, but I now know I will be ok with him as he is beautiful and I cant wait to hold him in my arms. It was amazing how the ultrasound flipped my emotions and I know how relieved my husband is too.

In saying all of that my dreams of a DD will forever be ongoing, I feel more at peace with this pregnancy now which I felt was extremely important, and I will review our situation in a year or so and decide if IVF is an option for us or not, but I almost feel like time may truly heal this feeling and help my decisions. If someone had said to me 12 weeks ago that I would be ok, and come to terms with all of this I would not of believed them, but hear I am.