Feeling crazy for considering HT

[lemonade]

Just found out we're having our second sweet little boy, and I am really starting to look forward to it.

Part of what has helped me get past my GD is my husband is on board with HT in a few years, which means I can elimate those "what-ifs" that make GD so hard. Three kids is his absolute limit, and he figures HT would probably be much less expensive than having more kids than we planned.

I am relieved he is open to it. I never in a million years thought he would be, because of the cost. But he sees how important it is to me to have a daughter one day. We only really have three shots if we're going to have three kids, and we've used up two. The thought of never having a daughter in my lifetime would be very painful for me, so in my mind it's not worth the 50/50 gamble. And swaying seems too finicky for me... one bad move might throw the whole thing off.

BUT at times I'm seriously questioning myself. Like, "You're fertile, yet you're seriously willing to blow thousands of dollars on a highly invasive procedure that might not work, when if you left it up to chance odds are you'd have a girl next anyway?" I'm also slightly ashamed that I've already so heavily researched this when I haven't even had this baby yet.

Anyone else grapple with weird feelings about considering HT?

[nuthinbutpink]

It's the guarantee that is the appeal. It's the only way to get a 100% guarantee of gender.

And yes, it is extreme- maybe a better word choice than crazy because it's actually a mature, thought out decision and pretty much the opposite of crazy.

It helps tremendously with GD knowing it is an option and many of us began researching options when pregnant.

If you choose that path, we will be here to help navigate!

[Cat+9lives]

We could afford 3 or 4 cycles but it means putting off renovations and other extra things we're planning on and looking forward to. And what if it doesn't work after 4 cycles? Or it does and I m/c?

For me, the thought of HT doesn't relieve any GD - in many ways it makes it worse because I can't imagine how I'd feel after blowing 30k of my family's money and then having no little girl to show for it.

It's a tough choice to make for sure!

[nuthinbutpink]

We could afford 3 or 4 cycles but it means putting off renovations and other extra things we're planning on and looking forward to. And what if it doesn't work after 4 cycles? Or it does and I m/c?

For me, the thought of HT doesn't relieve any GD - in many ways it makes it worse because I can't imagine how I'd feel after blowing 30k of my family's money and then having no little girl to show for it.

It's a tough choice to make for sure!

Respectfully, that is not the way to go through life! That is glass half empty talk and just no way to live.

Why do you take it to the extreme negative? What if you cycled once and it worked?

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.

Not all of us can keep having kids to try and get the gender we are after. She clearly stated 3 is their limit and that only leaves one more opening in their family. I did not want more than 4 kids period. We know what we can afford and support well and 4 was our limit so I totally understand, lemonade.

Cat, if you try again, I hope your next is a DD.

lemonade, if you know you don't want another baby and you can own up to the fact that you want a girl and you can afford a cycle or 2 of HT, go for it. Don't let with what ifs hold you back. You'll never regret trying IF you can afford to try.

It can work for you just like it worked for me and tons of others on here and around the world. I would not want to live my life having very limiting beliefs regarding what’s possible for me to accomplish, and not act out of fear of failure. If you need the money for family, a renovation, than you maybe cannot afford HT.

If however, you have money saved for a rainy day or can afford to make a payment on a zero interest credit card, it's not the end of the world if you try once and it doesn't work. Trying 3-4+ times is a whole other extreme in many ways beyond financial.

[faithuk]

Ht is not an easy journey but if dh is on board and you have the money then its worth a go. I would rather regret wasting thousands than regret never giving it a go!!!!
Good luck with this pregnancy lemonade x x

[kpmum]

We have chosen to go HT. We don't know if it will work the first time and will possibly cycle again the following year. It may not work for us but I know we did everything to try and won't spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if?' Life is too short! Go for it!

[4BOYS]

Knowing i had HT after i found out i was having DS5 was the ONLY thing that prevented me from losing my mind , it gave me the ability to be happy ,enjoy him and just be a good mum because i didnt have the horrible "never having a girl" thoughts looming over me
I actually dont care how many times it takes i wont stop till it works , and sure the money could be used on new houses ,cars ,holidays ect but none of those things will ever fill that piece missing from my soul, and none of that material stuff will ever bring our family the happiness a daughter /sister will bring
In saying that its pretty crazy , i only said to DH the other day when all my forms came from the clinic "ready to start this crazy hopefully not too long journey" and he said " im ready lets do this" LOL
Also for me its about never living with regret

[hotdogz&boyz]

I might not be the person you want to hear from, but these were similar thoughts I had while I was early pregnant with our third. I am young, healthy, and conceive easily. Four was "our number," the end, no more. And if we had three boys, I wanted that guarantee. I mulled it in my brain for a long while and addressed it to DH. He was actually more open to it than I thought. In his words "it's just money." And that was all I needed to put things in perspective. Yes, it's money. But what is money in the face of something you desire with your soul? Money comes and goes, it buys a lot and it buys a little. But, in the end, I would absolutely regret it if I didn't try with that last baby. What money we put into it wouldn't affect our other children in direct ways, no more or less than average differences in their friends (some do twelve camps a summer and some do one, ya know). You said yourself that you are young and fertile. That is when it is good to do it, your chances of it working would be high. And you would have that guarantee to enjoy the entire last pregnancy. If you have the means, do it. It's not crazy at all. I came to the conclusion that it is actually remarkably logical. And you would be in good company, many here go HT. (Obviously, in the end we didn't need to, but I hope that doesn't take away from the message I meant to convey).

[RKT Mama]

We did one cycle of HT, also classified as young and fertile after falling pregnant 5x (2mc's) easily.
Didn't fall pregnant but would have done it again in a heartbeat if it didn't involve travelling around the world to do. 7 months of swaying was far harder emotionally and physically.
As long as you aren't going to deprive your existing kids of essentials (food, clothes,etc) to get the money, HT is worth every cent to get the gender you want

[Cat+9lives]

nuthin - I don't see it pessimism but as realism. I think hitching ones hopes and dreams to one boat is dangerous. HT gives an illusion of control when in reality you're only in control of some pieces, but not all of it. Even now, if I were to plan on HT next year, I could have some complication in this next birth that necessitates a hysterectomy, obviously ending the promise of HT. And perhaps I'd hitch my dream to some other ship, adoption or foster care, but it would be crushing to have used HT as the anchor keeping my sanity.

I was only sharing my take on it - there are no guarantees in life. Ever. HT is still taking a chance, a gamble. Maybe not equal to the chances taken with swaying naturally in some opinions, but still a chance. But you can definitely still be happy and take chances and be glad for those ones you want to take.

It makes me sad but it was actually comments like yours that kept me from really joining in on this board a few years ago. I felt like I couldn't share my opinion on anything without someone turning it into a reflection on my entire life's philosophy and questioning it. Really, who cares? Does my feeling that HT is too great a risk to take somehow reflect on your choice to do HT? I don't think so - I think we all come from different places, with different personalities and different experiences and there's no right or wrong. Maybe it's the same thing that causes us to judge other parenting choices - we're really just feeling defensive of our own choices. But it's sad that it has to be that way. Already feeling down about the whole situation, it really hurts to then be told by a strange that my outlook on this one tiny topic is a generalization of my entire being and is "no way to go through life." And makes me think I was wise just to keep off this board.

Much luck to OP with whichever way she rolls the dice :)

[nuthinbutpink]

It sounds like pessimistic realism to me!

Definition of pessimism-

A tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen; a lack of hope or confidence in the future.

If you expect the worst, you'll never be disappointed. It does sound very negative.

If you have been trying to have a girl the last with the last 4 children, you must be somewhat of an optimistic person, right? I think the cost of HT changes everything. It is expensive and just not possible for all of us.

As far as hitching ones hopes...the same could be said whether you sway or try HT so I don't see how that helps at all. HT and swaying are BOTH attempts to control something that is not entirely in your control. The difference is the money involved.

I could go outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow but that isn't realism. See the definition above.

[nuthinbutpink]

And Cat, I am not trying to pick on you but it's hard to sit and reading someone proposing worst case scenario and call it realism.

If you have been trying naturally/swaying for a girl with the last 4 pregnancies, you must be an optimist, right? Why is HT the option that will fail and not swaying? That's what I do not understand. We all must have hope. Why else are we all here?

[ejk741]

Once I found out that DD was a girl, I started researching HT. I can honestly say that planning HT allowed me to preoccupy myself and it kept my GD at a manageable level. Also, I could be happy for people having a boy. When a friend announced that they were going to have a boy.. I could say "congrats" with sincerity, not resentment. I know I would have a son.. Now the question is, "when?" not "will I ever?"

[Cherry bomb]

For years and years we discussed having #3. The one thought in the back of mind was if I was guaranteed a girl I wouldn't hesitate. I couldn't bare the thought of sawying. Some how I just knew I would have a DS with a sway. I researched adoption even met with an agency. The stars just never aligned. High Tech feels like my last hope. I think I'll be fine without #3 if high tech fails. At least ill know I tried everything. For me trying high tech is the only way Ill be able to heal and move on without a DD. There isn't anything in the world I could spend this money on that is more valuable than a DD or minimum peace of mind of fighting a good fight.

I have such an overwhelming calm and peace about high tech. I feel it will work. I think it's going to work the first time. I wish I could go tomorrow. I know that the inner peace it brings me means its the right thing at the right time.

So, if your crazy I guess I'm crazy too. Lol for the record I don't think we're crazy at all.

[luckyfourleafclover]

Cherry Bomb - you hit the nail on the head for me! this is EXACTLY how I feel too.

Where are you cycling? When?

Good luck

[BeadinMom]

It's NEVER crazy to follow your dream!!! :)

[queen-bee]

HT was the best thing that happened to me. Now I am cured from all the crap I'd been feeling for the past 3 years. It made me a better and stronger person who is not preoccupied with self-pity all the time. My ht journey had a twist of magic when my girl emby self corrected against all odds. So don't rule out that positive things can happen too!

[ocean]

My ht journey had a twist of magic when my girl emby self corrected against all odds. So don't rule out that positive things can happen too!

Queenbee, what does self-corrected mean?

[nuthinbutpink]

Embryos can test abnormal in certain situations at one point but actually be normal when retested.

[Wishful thinking]

I think we each have different paths that we will take to get our desired gender and we may not understand why someone takes a path different from what we would choose. But we have to both respect someone else's path AND someone's decision NOT to take the same path. There's no right or wrong path if we're all trying to get to the same place.

[3littleladies]

I love my little girl but if I could turn back time I definitely would have chosen to do HT, its too late now cause she's our last child, so I say dont take the chance.

[ohboy]

You are not crazy, you are very sensible!!! I swayed and swayed and swayed again - I have 6 boys............
If you can afford to do it then don't second guess yourself. Had I have known about it years ago I would have my girl by now :)

Good Luck

[atomic sagebrush]

And Cat, I am not trying to pick on you but it's hard to sit and reading someone proposing worst case scenario and call it realism.

If you have been trying naturally/swaying for a girl with the last 4 pregnancies, you must be an optimist, right? Why is HT the option that will fail and not swaying? That's what I do not understand. We all must have hope. Why else are we all here?

OK just to share the flip side of this, with swaying, you do walk away with a baby to love, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Some may see it as that, but a lot of people are not mentally in the place where an opposite is the worst thing ever. If someone NEEDS a guarantee and can't get their head around another boy/girl, then by all means HT is the way to go for them. But a lot of us aren't in that place and are ok with an opposite (even when we may temporarily forget that after our ultrasound and have regrets at that moment, just like HT people might have regrets when they get BFN.)

Plus, money means different things to different people - if you have some to spare, it's one thing to say, oh it's only money, but for quite a few of us, it would require a huge financial sacrifice for ONE cycle. I know some people are OWH but there are so many who aren't. There are people who have to save up money for years for one HT round and have to give up a lot in order to make it happen. And if it doesn't work, then people are back at square one again, only out the money. Even if it does work, it can be a blow and it is not always easy for people to weather major financial expenses even when they are planned for. It's hard to finally get your DG only to realize you really don't have the financial standing to raise them the way that you really dream of. The dream of HT even when achieved can mean that you and your husband and even your kids, have to give up other dreams that may be important too. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but just that you have to at least consider the money - it's not just money, it's the ability to achieve dreams, have the freedom to do things and it's security for your family and I'm not sure we should undervalue that. We all want our DG's but it's not the only thing in the world that matters.

I don't think it's pessimism to think of the worst outcome that could happen when you're making a decision. To me it just makes sense. For some people, getting an opposite is worse than nothing. For others, no baby and no money is worse. Anyone could make a decision based on the best thing happening, that would be easy. But I think it's just as important to look at the flip side, if this doesn't work out and how am I going to feel in that situation and how will that affect my family?? We are all at different places on the continuum and so what makes sense to one person may not make sense to the other. :)