Not finding out the gender?

[Ribenaberry]

Im interested in peoples theories on this, as i have always been dying to find out the gender and 20 weeks was always too long lol.

BUT this is our last baby, and we would really like a boy, and i am torn about finding out the gender (not even pg yet!!)

If we find out the gender, and its a girl, i think ill be less excited about the rest of the pregnancy than i probably should be, but at least we will know and be ready for it.

If we dont find out i worry that i might be idolising the idea of a boy and be really disappointed if it is a girl.

What did you do and do you wish youd done the opposite?

Xxx

[BeadinMom]

I can let you know in February...lol.

I think it depends on you...
Like are you the type of person that needs to "prepare" yourself?? Or do you think looking into that sweet baby's face will erase any sort of "disappointment" you might've felt anyway??

[black&gold]

We said we weren't finding out and we've already had our 20 week scan and made sure not to watch incase we saw any clues. I was just talking to DH last night and can't tell if my desire to not find out is based on A: Wanting to experience the surprise as it's our last baby, not have to deal with annoying boy comments if it's DS3 or B: Because I'm too scared to know either way and want to prolong the inevitable (I'm banking on another boy!) as long as possible. I have no idea how I'll feel or if we'll cave and find out. From previous experiences finding out the gender in an ultrasound was devastating and I cried for weeks after. I definitely don't want to go through that again! I guess I'll know in December, but here's hoping it goes over okay and I don't get PPD or something!

[Wanting-a-girl]

I think if there is any part of you that could even possibly be upset at birth because of the gender than you should find out... I don't think it's fair to the baby for its birthday to be a sad day...

[Waiting4Daisy]

Deleted

[Ribenaberry]

Thanks ladies. Its really causing me issues lol, each way has serious negatives to it, but after reading the replies, i think we will find out, if rather have the pregnancy be less exciting than the birth if im honest. I am okay with the thought of having a girl again, and id rather have the "oh well, no boys for us!" thoughts in the scan than it being my reaction when i hear the sex when baby is born.

Although we shall see, i also like the prolonging the inevitable idea, so i might have a last minute wobble before we go in.

Having said that, i am hoping to get some good nub shots at 12 weeks so i have a fair idea anyway!!

Xxxx

[atomic sagebrush]

For me it was really important to know the gender going in. I did not want to have disappointment in the delivery room and be having to deal with conflicting emotions when I was going to be needing to be at my strongest dealing with my recovery and a newborn. But I never found out with my first two and I really enjoyed that surprise (I did not have GD with them tho)

[Wanting-a-girl]

I don't think it will make your pregnancy worse... I think it makes it more exciting ... As you get to go shopping and such... Even tho I've heard boy four times now I've always been very excited to meet my little man... Now that this guys my last I have pretty well forgotten about that urge for a little lady... I'm crossing my fingers for a granddaughter lol

[rainbowflower]

I was team yellow for our first (we'd previously had a MC, I hoped for a girl but really didn't mind that much) and loved being team yellow

we found out after our sway that we had DS2 and although I got used to the idea and bonded I found it quite deflating as it felt like we'd opened our Christmas presents early

next time we'll be swaying again and I really want to be team yellow again next time

[gurly]

I like the idea of waiting but there's no way I could do it. I'm way too impatient!!

[Gizzyntaz]

We did team green for our first two (boys). This time, because we swayed and because our boys are really, really hoping for a sister, we are going to find out. I don't want our kids having drama in the delivery room if it's a boy. I want them to have time to get ready (and excited). DH and I are wanting to know because we worked hard (well, mostly I did) to sway... We also have no baby stuff left, so I'd love to buy gender specific for my (probably)last baby...

Either way you will love your baby... There may be some disappointment but you are an adult and can deal with it...

[Mumof3girls]

I did find out at 20 weeks and even though I was sad we were not having a boy I started go get her nursery ready and enjoyed the rest of my pregnancy and fell in love with her when she was born. I think if I waited and found out when she was born I may have been upset. I'm glad I did find out and I was in a better state at birth. Also my girls kept saying they wanted a brother and we told them they were having a sister. Although they were a little dissapointed they got used to it and they were so excited when their sister was born they told all the mums at school with excitment!!

[Ribenaberry]

Yep, im too impatientvas well, that why weve always found out.

I think im the kind of person who would feel a pang of disappointment in the delivery room, even though i would love her with all my heart, and i dont want that to happen. So i think we will find out.

Thanks for the help ladies - just got to get pregnant now lol!

Xxx

[BeadinMom]

Good luck!!!
I think you're making the right decision!!!
And I won't end this with XO...I'll end it with XY!! LOL....Hoping you get your little blue bundle!!! ;)

[carameline]

When we have our next child, I'm not gonna find out. Finding out I was having ds3 definitely tainted my pregnancy. But when he was born, I was 100% in love. If we get handed a girl for out next it would be the icing on the cake after giving birth, but I know now that if I had a boy with 2 heads and 5 willies I would still worship him. I think its down to the person - not everyone operates in the same way :hugs:

[Mum23boys]

All 3 of my previous pregnancies we have had "surprises" and this one ( now overdue) is no different - i am the sort of person that once i hold that baby in my arms gender wont matter but if i knew before hand and it wasnt what i wanted to hear i think with pregnancy hormones etc i may become a little depressed and start to really suffer GD - the not knowing isnt easier and the way ive come to terms with it is to convince myself its the gender we were not swaying for, pick names, and generally bond with it as if its another boy - that way if we get a girl it will be a massive shock and blessing but if we dont we are mentally prepared...if that makes any sense

[1+2+3boys]

I'm not even pregnant yet either and I think about this too. I would love to know what it is like to have a surprise since I found out with all my boys and the next will be our last but then the issue of possible GD at the birth comes up. If I have the patience not to find out I would like for no one to tell me the gender of my baby when it is born so I can look into his or her face and get to know/love my baby as 'my baby' before I look to find out the gender myself. I'd love to hear from people who have done this.

[Deniese]

I regret not finding out with my last pregnancy because I allowed myself to believe it was a girl and when he was born I went a bit manic trying to hide my disappointment from everyone and the shock was hard. It took me longer to bond with him then it did my second son whom I knew was a boy from 15 weeks and although I was depressed during pregnancy at least when he was born the sad feelings were all gone and I could bond straight away. Such a personal decision hard to say.

[Ribenaberry]

1+2+ boys, i was wondering if this was possible too, id love to know if anyone managed it.

Xxx

[HopefulMonster]

I found out as early as possible!

The way I see it - at birth you are already so overwhelmed, having gone through labour, meeting your baby for the first time, establishing feeding, trying to recover from the birth, getting thrown into sleepless nights again. The announcements are also packed full of info - the birth date and time, babys name, weight, how long labour was, first photos etc etc. I think the gender is totally lost in all the other info, and you don't really have time to properly celebrate it, let alone anyone else!

At 16 or 20 weeks the gender is much more exciting than it is thrown alongside everything else at birth, you can announce it on its own, really celebrate it. It kind of happens at a nice mid point too, you announce your pregnancy, announce the gender, then announce the birth & name.

You can do gender specific clothes shopping (sorry but gender neutral clothes are almost never as nice or as fun), decorate the nursery, really narrow down to a name, and properly think of baby as a real person, your new daughter or son instead of just "it" or "bump" or "the baby", if that makes sense.

[rainbowflower]

my first pregnancy, I didn't have GD but I did have a preference for pink, we stayed team yellow. I felt we were having a girl, though.

when he was born I didn't really care when my baby was placed in my arms! It didn't cross my mind to even check what we had - I was just glad the labour and pregnancy were over and that there was my baby. It was my husband who looked and got choked up saying "we have a son"! <3

I think next time I'll feel much the same. I'll convince myself it's a boy during pregnancy by looking for ANY aspect of my sway that went "wrong", and even now I'm only letting myself picture life with 3 boys and have already named our next boy to make him more real. Already I can't think I'll be lucky enough to get a girl. If it's a girl it'll be a nice surprise that way but I'll already be mentally prepared for a boy.

[Mum23boys]

Of course it's possible not to know its your baby your choice - just tell them u want the baby handed straight to u and no announcement if sex and u find out in your own time. Perfectly acceptable request

[1+2+3boys]

Of course it's possible not to know its your baby your choice - just tell them u want the baby handed straight to u and no announcement if sex and u find out in your own time. Perfectly acceptable request

I'm so scared someone would forget or extra staff not know my rules and 'ruin' my plan. I might have to stick up a big sign on the wall saying 'do not announce the gender' lol ;)

[*ruby*]

I'm a midwife and have NEVER announced babies gender at the birth unless the mother specifically asked me when baby was born. I always say something along the lines of "did you see what you've got" or "have a look" etc. To be honest i've only seen it happen a few times where the dr. or midwife announced the gender and not waited for the parents to check. If that's what you want just make sure you let them know before hand though so no one spoils the surprise for you.

[rainbowflower]

I'm so scared someone would forget or extra staff not know my rules and 'ruin' my plan. I might have to stick up a big sign on the wall saying 'do not announce the gender' lol ;)

write it in big red letters on your birth plan :P

[Modern Goddess]

I will have to find out the gender, in case I have to deal with any disappointment before the baby is born. Plus I am horribly impatient and could never wait :P

[Am3a]

I had my 20w scan yesterday. We didn't find out. I didn't find out for our 2 boys and the delivery room reveals were magical. I definitely had a pang of GD when DS2 was born... They took him to the other side of the room to clean him up and I lay there thinking "I'm not going to ever have a girl". It had nothing to do with my beautiful, perfect son it was very separate. I'm scared if I find out before baby is here my GD will be directed at the baby and the pregnancy. Once you have the baby on your arms nothing else matters.

I tell you what - if one more person says anything about how this baby "has" to be a girl, or how "funny" it would be if I had 3 boys I'm going to lose my sh!t!!!! My response has been "So you won't love this baby if it's a boy?". If anyone has any better comebacks, please let me know... I have steam coming out of my ears!!

[black&gold]

I had my 20w scan yesterday. We didn't find out. I didn't find out for our 2 boys and the delivery room reveals were magical. I definitely had a pang of GD when DS2 was born... They took him to the other side of the room to clean him up and I lay there thinking "I'm not going to ever have a girl". It had nothing to do with my beautiful, perfect son it was very separate. I'm scared if I find out before baby is here my GD will be directed at the baby and the pregnancy. Once you have the baby on your arms nothing else matters.

I tell you what - if one more person says anything about how this baby "has" to be a girl, or how "funny" it would be if I had 3 boys I'm going to lose my sh!t!!!! My response has been "So you won't love this baby if it's a boy?". If anyone has any better comebacks, please let me know... I have steam coming out of my ears!!

Am3a - My favourite comment is the "you guys haaaaave to have a girl, they are so amazing you would seriously LOVE a daughter" because apparently we're able to just choose what we want!?!? I hear yah and I really have no good comebacks. We also haven't found out and one of the main reasons is to just not have to hear the stupid "oh, well looks like you need to try for #4 to get a girl!"

[1+2+3boys]

For me being my last pregnancy I really want to enjoy it as much as possible because I love being pregnant and even look forward to the labour and birth. When I found out my twins were boys number 2 and 3 at 16 weeks I lost all excitement over the pregnancy for at least a week and it slowly returned over the next couple of weeks which was a horrible feeling. I just do not want that again. Also I want the birth to go as smoothly as possible because it will be a VBAC because of breech and transverse babies and I have heard the saying you push better when you do not know the gender. That is just me though, all passionate about all that kind of stuff! I may feel completely different once pregnant and will probably not be able to help finding out due to impatience. I just want to know what it is like to have a surprise baby and I hope that once I see my baby and fall in love, those feelings will ride over GD if it's a boy.

[ELP]

We only found out with the last 2:) The 1st of these pregnancies We felt almost awkward talking about the baby as if despite him being our dg something excitement? was missing. This 2nd time has been easier as I find my head is more focused on the family and not gender obsessing and theres no awkwardness this time:)

The rest of the times have been delivery room:) and on occasions when it has not been my dg I have held lo and just had a quiet whisper to them saying 'well you may not have been the exact one I was hoping for but your perfect and your mine and just wait til you meet your family!':bigsmile: and just let the dissappointment go there:)

[crazyladyneedsababy]

Im not finding out this time because its my last and ive never experienced the whole its a boy, its a girl thing. I found out with both boys and never had GD with DS1 but had it terrible with DS2. I feel so bad about it, I love him so much and Im hoping that makes me realise how in the scale of things gender is not the bee all and end all iykwim? I don't want to go through my whole pregnancy disappointed and crying again, I just want to enjoy it and find out in my own time after the birth what im having. The only time I may find out is if I get a good nub shot at my 12 week scan and it looks girly as I would hate to go the whole pregnancy thinking it was a girl when infact its a boy, then I think I would be disappointed.

with DS2, I did know the gender but my dr announced it as he was coming out. I had a section and he came out peeing (all over the dr) and he shouted 'yup, its definitely a boy lol' xxx

[rainbowflower]

We only found out with the last 2:) The 1st of these pregnancies We felt almost awkward talking about the baby as if despite him being our dg something excitement? was missing. This 2nd time has been easier as I find my head is more focused on the family and not gender obsessing and theres no awkwardness this time:)

The rest of the times have been delivery room:) and on occasions when it has not been my dg I have held lo and just had a quiet whisper to them saying 'well you may not have been the exact one I was hoping for but your perfect and your mine and just wait til you meet your family!':bigsmile: and just let the dissappointment go there:)

awww I love what you whisper to them :)
how many do you have?

[zebaniee]

I tossed up being team green for our third child...I now realise this was because of partial denial and a coping mechanism.

I ended up finding out I was having a third girl at the gender scan. I was hysterical after I found out and it is now around two weeks later that I am starting to feel ok. Thank god I did not find out in the delivery room as I probably would have pushed the baby away and been a prime candidate for post natal depression.

I now have time to prepare and acknowledge while I don't have my son, I am having another beautiful daughter. I needed time to get to this perspective though.

[ELP]

awww I love what you whisper to them :)
how many do you have?
Soon to be 10:oops::HH:

[WillowsGirl]

I would like to share my experience, since we're a bit abnormal and have chosen to never learn the gender of any of our children. This was a decision we made long ago as a couple, before we even got married. Of course when my first son was born, we were elated that he was a boy. His delivery was quite complicated though, and traumatizing as well. After his birth I wasn't sure I wanted any more children. We did try again and I hoped for a girl the whole pregnancy. I wanted my boy and girl like everyone gets. My water broke at 36 weeks, and I had to be given Pitocin to start contractions. My best friend called in an order of flowers for me, which happened to be inside of a pink elephant toy that is supposed to be for the baby to have later. She later said that she didn't specify pink or blue, but they just picked pink. I thought for sure this was a sign that I would have a girl. Labor was very easy and not too long or short. The delivery was so peaceful. I didn't need any stitches. But when I looked between his legs I was quite sad. I held him and our nurse took photos with my camera. I tried to remember what we'd decided to name a boy. He didn't look a thing like my first son. After a while he started to fuss, and I felt so tired and sad. I handed him to my husband and pulled the blanket over my head. I didn't want anything to do with him. I thought about giving him up for adoption. It sounds horrible to think about now, but I had a good nap, and a few hours later I woke up in a panic, wondering where my new baby was because he needed to eat. I was relieved to find him in his bassinet next to my bed. He looked adorable and tiny. He was a pound smaller than my first. From then on I was in love. Those first moments were rough, but I don't regret anything. My whole pregnancy was wonderful--no gender disappointment to deal with. I certainly wouldn't change it. I believe pregnancy should be a joyful time, not stressful and sad. I couldn't imagine trying to go through that sadness during pregnancy, and not being able to hold my little boy and see the tiny human being he is. Yes, I did have a moment of sadness in the delivery room, but it was just a moment, and it is gone, and now we're happy.

Everyone is different of course. Someone else might have developed PPD and been in a depression for months. This was just my experience.

[1+2+3boys]

Im not finding out this time because its my last and ive never experienced the whole its a boy, its a girl thing. I found out with both boys and never had GD with DS1 but had it terrible with DS2. I feel so bad about it, I love him so much and Im hoping that makes me realise how in the scale of things gender is not the bee all and end all iykwim? I don't want to go through my whole pregnancy disappointed and crying again, I just want to enjoy it and find out in my own time after the birth what im having. The only time I may find out is if I get a good nub shot at my 12 week scan and it looks girly as I would hate to go the whole pregnancy thinking it was a girl when infact its a boy, then I think I would be disappointed.

with DS2, I did know the gender but my dr announced it as he was coming out. I had a section and he came out peeing (all over the dr) and he shouted 'yup, its definitely a boy lol' xxx

I think nub guesses at 12 weeks may help influence my choice too

[aidansmum]

I found way in advance with each of my 3 boys. To me is not only about avoiding GD but also bonding. Every single time I went out the next day and bought the most gorgeous little boy outfit when I found out. Would really love to buy a tutu this time. :)

[rainbowflower]

I found way in advance with each of my 3 boys. To me is not only about avoiding GD but also bonding. Every single time I went out the next day and bought the most gorgeous little boy outfit when I found out. Would really love to buy a tutu this time. :)
that's sweet! I've already bought a girl item and a boy item for the next one to put in the "hospital bag" :)

[Becca.lms]

Im not finding out this time because its my last and ive never experienced the whole its a boy, its a girl thing. I found out with both boys and never had GD with DS1 but had it terrible with DS2. I feel so bad about it, I love him so much and Im hoping that makes me realise how in the scale of things gender is not the bee all and end all iykwim? I don't want to go through my whole pregnancy disappointed and crying again, I just want to enjoy it and find out in my own time after the birth what im having. The only time I may find out is if I get a good nub shot at my 12 week scan and it looks girly as I would hate to go the whole pregnancy thinking it was a girl when infact its a boy, then I think I would be disappointed.

with DS2, I did know the gender but my dr announced it as he was coming out. I had a section and he came out peeing (all over the dr) and he shouted 'yup, its definitely a boy lol' xxx

Same here. Ezra peed all over my OB! Glad though, she deserved it.

[Becca.lms]

I'm not finding out this time.
I'm going to try not to allow myself to think of a particular gender. Even though it will probably be a boy.
I had slight gd with Ezra, and still do in a way but he is the love of my life. I have amazing boys.
If next is a boy, I'm sure gd will set in a little but again. But way back in my head.
To me you go in 50/50, never a guarantee so you chose to get pregnant and can't complain too much. Also I might avoid any ultrasounds if possible. I want the excitement at birth.
I'm lucky I can have kids, when so many out there cannot. I'm not going to get over caught up in gender. Each are such a blessing.

[1+2+3boys]

I'm not finding out this time.
I'm going to try not to allow myself to think of a particular gender. Even though it will probably be a boy.
I had slight gd with Ezra, and still do in a way but he is the love of my life. I have amazing boys.
If next is a boy, I'm sure gd will set in a little but again. But way back in my head.
To me you go in 50/50, never a guarantee so you chose to get pregnant and can't complain too much. Also I might avoid any ultrasounds if possible. I want the excitement at birth.
I'm lucky I can have kids, when so many out there cannot. I'm not going to get over caught up in gender. Each are such a blessing.

That is a good way to think if you can. I think I would try to think along those lines if I got DS4.
I am nervous about the 20 week scan if I do decide to go team green. My partner likes to boast that his sons all inherit his decent sized man hood because it is has always been super obvoius at the scans. With DS1 it was the first thing we saw waving at us!

[Becca.lms]

With ds1 he had a vagina until I found out it was a penis a week before birth when the tech said "Wow his scrotum is Huge".

[WillowsGirl]

Oh my goodness, what a shock that must've been! That is one of the reasons we decided to be team green for all our kids. I feel like people being told the wrong gender contributes a lot to gender disappointment anyway. :(

[Becca.lms]

I wanted a boy first, and I swear I never truly believed he was a girl. With that being said, putting away all the pink clothes was still hard and I cried. But in the end I got my boy.
And another. So I have boy stuff and girl stuff, so no matter what the next gender is I'll be somewhat prepared. And if my girl wears blue at first does not bother me!

[atomic sagebrush]

Oh my goodness, what a shock that must've been! That is one of the reasons we decided to be team green for all our kids. I feel like people being told the wrong gender contributes a lot to gender disappointment anyway. :(

I totally agree with this!!! I know quite a few people who didn't even have a gender preference until they were told one thing at a scan.

With me and DS 3, when I got pg I had no gender preference (I never had a speck of GD with DS 1 or 2 and was a happy boy mom for 13 years). I just wanted another baby. But all the symptoms, OWT, and that FFF-ing Chinese Gender Predictor were all girl, girl, girl so I got my heart set on that. And he's the most boyin'est boy who ever boyed. He makes my other boys look like the Kardashians.

[CherryBlossom]

I'll be for sure finding out if I can next time.

My first baby was team green. However all the old wives takes indicated PINK. I formed a GD without knowing. My OB one day said he though it was a girl. I believed he secretly knew. Everyone around me thought it was a girl as well. Although I tried convincing myself and others of be happy with either sex I was 110% sure he was a she.
After a hard labour an one I won't forget ever. My partner announced it was a boy. My heart sunk. Loved him cared for him as I should have but didn't bond. It took me months to bond. Infact I truely believe I never bonded with him properly until after my secon son arrived. Something I feel horrible and shame about.

My second son, my partner found out at the US. I knew he was a he but of course hoping it would be a girl. Little bit upset but mostly elated. Had a vbac with him and because I knew the sex I bonded with him before he even came out!

So for me it would be best I found out.


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