jayla
August 30th, 2013, 11:13 AM
hello all,
I'm new on these boards and wanted to vent out my story cause I dont' know how else to deal with my feelings, especially when I feel guilty for even feeling them.
A long time ago Dh and I went through the crisis of IF when we tried for our first. After a long journey, a miscarriage and IVF we were finally blessed with a baby - it did not matter at all boy or girl and we did not find out, even though DH was hoping for a girl but was SURE it was a DS since his family is predisposed to boys. In the delivery room, DD was born and we could not be happier. Unfortunately (in hindsight), I was so amazed at having a baby period, that I did nothing girly in particular. our clothes were neutral, we had practically NO bows, (I think the first time I ever put one on her, she was almost a year) and so on. However I could probably say it was the happiest year of my life. Two years later with help again, DS was born. We didn't find out with him either and I was happy either way. I felt blessed to have one of each and if we felt pretty complete. Having a boy though I started really wishing in hindsight I had done more "girly" things with my first. Especially seeing how so many of my friends were decking out their baby girl infants in all those pretty cute things and ribbons.
We were torn about ever having a 3rd because it is such a huge responsibility that we didn't feel sure we could take on, but God decided for us and sent us a surprise with DS now almost 4.
I was shocked and thrilled. After all the suffering we went through to have kids in the first place, here we were suddenly simply pregnant without trying. having one of each I figured it really didn't matter now which I would have this time. I was just thrilled that I would get to experience a baby again. I THOUGHT I was neutral.
But one thing after another began to happen. When DD found out she REALLY started being convinced this is her baby sister being sent to her and even told me that if its a boy she wouldn't love him. She calls the baby a she and is CONVINCED. That aside a bunch of snarky people around me that I don't like started being really annoying (as they always are) and knowing that DD wants a girl, began to tell me they already "know" I'm having a boy. (very annoying - like THEY are given that gift to know!). That aside unknowingly I began to dream of being able to have a girl to do all the things I regret not having done with DD and thinking that maybe this is my chance. Also I have such a special relationship with DS and felt that by remaining the only boy, he would be more special.
Well, you can guess the rest of the story. While it is still early, we have found out with pretty much a guarantee that this is another DS. DD doesn't know yet and I am afraid she will be devastated. I found out that at our 12 weeks scan both the tech and doctor guessed boy (doctor was VERY sure) and then at a private 14 week scan the tech showed us a potty shot and said she is pretty sure this is a boy too. With this, even though its still very early, I pretty much know that I'm not getting a girl.
What I wasn't prepared for, was how I would start feeling.
I had thought (and especially when finding out I was expecting at all) that I am completely neutral either way. What I didn't realize was that I wasn't... and that when I saw blue instead of pink, instead of feeling elated, I suddenly went into shock, thinking oh my goodness... I'm not going to have a girl...
and then it started hitting me that I'm not having a girl ever again... that DD was that one time chance and that I totally didn't do the hundreds of things I would now. I wasn't going to give DD the sis she is so hoping for. All those smug people are going to smirk about having been right. and all these other things that SHOULDN'T matter.... but they do because instead of feeling elation, I'm trying to deal with the fact that its not going to turn out the way I'd fantasized (without even realizing) and that its very final.
I'm finding it REALLY hard to look at baby girls right now or see photos of them decked out in frilly pink stuff. I feel doubly stupid because I actually "had" that chance to do it all and blew it. And now it really hurts.
i can't talk to anyone - noone knows. And frankly, I'm not terribly excited to reveal the gender to all those people who right off the bat told me they "know" I am having another boy.
This is crazy.. why would I feel this way when this was a total bonus surprise anyway? And its not about love for this baby. I love this new miracle with all my heart and would not trade it for anything. I'm just dealing with a terrible disappointment of realizing I won't have another chance with a girl and dreading breaking the news to DD. I can't help but read stories of how the 20 week scan showed differently but trying not to even go there and hope for some 1% chance that this is a girl afterall. With current technology and having been told by 3 people, I think this is in stone. All I want is to have my elation back and I feel awful to feel down in the first place. how do I get over it? Everything I feel seems so frivolous, but why the heck does it matter so much?
I'm new on these boards and wanted to vent out my story cause I dont' know how else to deal with my feelings, especially when I feel guilty for even feeling them.
A long time ago Dh and I went through the crisis of IF when we tried for our first. After a long journey, a miscarriage and IVF we were finally blessed with a baby - it did not matter at all boy or girl and we did not find out, even though DH was hoping for a girl but was SURE it was a DS since his family is predisposed to boys. In the delivery room, DD was born and we could not be happier. Unfortunately (in hindsight), I was so amazed at having a baby period, that I did nothing girly in particular. our clothes were neutral, we had practically NO bows, (I think the first time I ever put one on her, she was almost a year) and so on. However I could probably say it was the happiest year of my life. Two years later with help again, DS was born. We didn't find out with him either and I was happy either way. I felt blessed to have one of each and if we felt pretty complete. Having a boy though I started really wishing in hindsight I had done more "girly" things with my first. Especially seeing how so many of my friends were decking out their baby girl infants in all those pretty cute things and ribbons.
We were torn about ever having a 3rd because it is such a huge responsibility that we didn't feel sure we could take on, but God decided for us and sent us a surprise with DS now almost 4.
I was shocked and thrilled. After all the suffering we went through to have kids in the first place, here we were suddenly simply pregnant without trying. having one of each I figured it really didn't matter now which I would have this time. I was just thrilled that I would get to experience a baby again. I THOUGHT I was neutral.
But one thing after another began to happen. When DD found out she REALLY started being convinced this is her baby sister being sent to her and even told me that if its a boy she wouldn't love him. She calls the baby a she and is CONVINCED. That aside a bunch of snarky people around me that I don't like started being really annoying (as they always are) and knowing that DD wants a girl, began to tell me they already "know" I'm having a boy. (very annoying - like THEY are given that gift to know!). That aside unknowingly I began to dream of being able to have a girl to do all the things I regret not having done with DD and thinking that maybe this is my chance. Also I have such a special relationship with DS and felt that by remaining the only boy, he would be more special.
Well, you can guess the rest of the story. While it is still early, we have found out with pretty much a guarantee that this is another DS. DD doesn't know yet and I am afraid she will be devastated. I found out that at our 12 weeks scan both the tech and doctor guessed boy (doctor was VERY sure) and then at a private 14 week scan the tech showed us a potty shot and said she is pretty sure this is a boy too. With this, even though its still very early, I pretty much know that I'm not getting a girl.
What I wasn't prepared for, was how I would start feeling.
I had thought (and especially when finding out I was expecting at all) that I am completely neutral either way. What I didn't realize was that I wasn't... and that when I saw blue instead of pink, instead of feeling elated, I suddenly went into shock, thinking oh my goodness... I'm not going to have a girl...
and then it started hitting me that I'm not having a girl ever again... that DD was that one time chance and that I totally didn't do the hundreds of things I would now. I wasn't going to give DD the sis she is so hoping for. All those smug people are going to smirk about having been right. and all these other things that SHOULDN'T matter.... but they do because instead of feeling elation, I'm trying to deal with the fact that its not going to turn out the way I'd fantasized (without even realizing) and that its very final.
I'm finding it REALLY hard to look at baby girls right now or see photos of them decked out in frilly pink stuff. I feel doubly stupid because I actually "had" that chance to do it all and blew it. And now it really hurts.
i can't talk to anyone - noone knows. And frankly, I'm not terribly excited to reveal the gender to all those people who right off the bat told me they "know" I am having another boy.
This is crazy.. why would I feel this way when this was a total bonus surprise anyway? And its not about love for this baby. I love this new miracle with all my heart and would not trade it for anything. I'm just dealing with a terrible disappointment of realizing I won't have another chance with a girl and dreading breaking the news to DD. I can't help but read stories of how the 20 week scan showed differently but trying not to even go there and hope for some 1% chance that this is a girl afterall. With current technology and having been told by 3 people, I think this is in stone. All I want is to have my elation back and I feel awful to feel down in the first place. how do I get over it? Everything I feel seems so frivolous, but why the heck does it matter so much?