How to deal with wanting a daughter

[alpacahome]

Hi everyone,

I hope some of you ladies out there may be able to help me.
I have 2 amazing boys and its only been after the birth of my second son that I realised how much I long for a daughter. We didn't find out at any of the scans what gender we were having and I didn't realise there was such things as swaying/HT etc.
My son is 6 months old and it feels like every second of every day I am longing for a girl in my life. Everyone around me is pregnant with girls and are saying 'they have the perfect family' and are so blessed to be able to experience having a daughter. I adore both my boys and wouldn't be without them but some days I feel that would I feel happier/more content if my second was a girl. I feel horrified even saying this and I guess I will never know.
The reason why I am posting is that my feelings of wanting a daughter is really affecting me, mentally ( I feel so alone, so unhappy and I am normally a really happy jolly sole). I feel it's affecting my parenting of my boys as I feel I am always thinking of this desire and its always in the back of my mind. It's effecting my relationship with my husband as he can't understand why I feel like this and I can't really explain to him how I feel because I don't really know myself. He always wanted a son and I try to explain this to him. I am not even that girly and don't do shopping/make up so why is my need for a daughter so great. Our boys look so much like their dad and I see him play rough with them and the eldest is besotted with him, maybe I feel I am going to be left out but my boys love me so much, so why would I feel like this? I just don't know what has got into me but I feel rubbish all the time and nothing makes me happy anymore even though I have the happiest and most beautiful little boys in the world. We always said 2 was the number of children for us. My husband has said I can have another if it will make me happy. Is that the answer? Do you sway or go HT, or do you just try and get over it as having another child would impact greatly on our lives and i don't want my husband to regret anything. I would also like my husband to experience a daughter too. Sorry for the long essay. I just don't have anyone to talk to and feel my emotions are spiralling out of control. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much xxx

[luckyfourleafclover]

You are NOT alone. You have just summed up exactly how I feel, and I am sure how many many others on this site feel. That is why this is such an amazing place where we can speak honestly about our feelings without being judged.

Posts on this site have really helped me and supported me at my lowest points. Just keep reading all the different posts and forums here and you will soon see you are not alone...anytime of the day or night you will have a sympathetic ear.

We are not bad people for feeling this way. We have gender desire, not gender disappointment. Your DS2 is still very young and you will have good days and bad days.

My husband sounds like yours, and he still cannot relate to my emotions & how deeply I feel GD & how I think of it every second of every day...but he is supporting me in our choice to try and have a daughter, in his own way. I can not expect him to share my emotions on this, just to support me through it. I don't really discuss it much with him, unless I have to.

Having a plan (whether HT or swaying) will help you feel better - but it's a dangerous emotional roller-coaster to get on.

Just knowing there are thousands of other women all over the world who feel like I do, has really helped me deal with GD.

PM me anytime you feel low

Lucky x

[black&gold]

I definitely think it's natural to feel the way you are - especially with your DS2 being only 6 months it's still sort of "fresh". I think it eventually gets easier. I can't say I've had a horrible case of GD to the point where it's tearing my life apart like some people experience, but I do think about it very often. What has really helped me is to think about it as rationally as possible - I know the grass always looks greener on the other side, I know that having a girl might satisfy me for some time but then it'll be like everything else and I'll find something else to wish and wonder what it would be like to have. Having a girl does not make the "perfect family", and comparison is the thief of joy - I definitely look at other families and think "they have the perfect combo" etc. and no good comes of that! I think for me I needed to accept what I had and be thankful for exactly what I was given, because two healthy adorable boys is something I should be gushing over daily! It's not easy, but when I brought it back to the basics I felt like the GD started to fade.

For us, we couldn't have stopped at two. I think with having #3 - team green and due in december - even if it's another boy we'll feel like we at least gave it a good shot, tried all we could and it'll help us move on a little better. If you are not willing to entertain the idea of another boy then you should definitely only consider it if your open to HT. DH and I came to the realization that we just wanted a bigger family and if a 3rd boy was the result, then we'd still be happy we did it. A girl would obviously be the icing on the cake - especially when it comes to shutting people up :) but I also LOVE the relationship my boys have a would be thrilled for them to have another brother to join their little bromance lol!

[nuthinbutpink]

If you know you want a a girl and are strong enough to admit you don't just want another baby, go HT. It's a gender guarantee and can get you what you need.

[alpacahome]

I would like go say a very big that you for your responses. I got quite emotional reading them and realising how lovely people are and that there are others that feel like me, and I am not a bad person. Black&gold, I wish you all the best in your pregnancy and thank you. Luckyfourleafclover, thank you and thank you for the offer of pm you. Nuthinbutpink, thank you for your help too. Xx

[ocean]

I have been right where you are, with GD and thoughts of not having a girl clouding my every thought. I too was not a girly girl, I was a tomboy and don't like pink. If I had a girl, I'd be proud to put her in her brothers' clothes. But I grew up around mostly women, my family prefers girls (though do love my boys) and I think my husband, who also wanted girls, would've been an amazing father to a daughter. I also want a sister for my boys. And for me, to not wonder and regret what my life - granted, a good life by most standards - would have been like with a daughter in it.

Not getting a girl was the first time I couldn't get what I wanted from hard work and determination. It was the first time I faced jealousy of something outside my control. I have inherent insecurities and always have and not having a girl played into those feelings. I didn't like the idea that anyone might (ridiculously) pity me for not getting both genders. I didn't like feeling 'told' I couldn't shop in the girls' section. I wanted the gender of my children to be a non event but truthfully it's been a 'thing' for years since I found out the gender of my first.

So the point is, I commiserate deeply on hating the GD feelings and not fully getting WHY you have them when you have a good like otherwise.

I'm in a MUCH better place now though and our second sons aren't that different in age. One big factor - I work full time in a stressful job and after maternity leave, that pushed most of my GD thoughts from my head - I had no time or mental space for them! My ds2 is also a dream, he's ridiculously joyous and knock on wood sleeps decently, so that helps! I also stopped putting myself in situations that triggered GD. The friends having girls? Maybe go on the down low with them until you feel ready for that, until you're less raw. Protect yourself when you're feeling these emotions. Enjoy and immerse yourself in your own family, direct your eyes and energy at them.

Obsessive thoughts get us nowhere. In fact, they get us less than nowhere - WE make OURSELVES miserable and have to spend energy to get past that. GET VERY BUSY - that's my top advice. Fill your day entirely. Consider cognitive behavioral therapy for the negative thinking.

And as for swaying or HT - there are too many women who come on these boards after they swayed hard (or didn't) and THOUGHT they were ok with either gender. If having a 3rd child is already going to be a stretch for you bandwidth wise (it would for us), then think very carefully before you go for anything other than a guarantee. Not that IVF/PGD will always work - it doesn't for plenty of people - but to go the other route, I would only do that if I wanted another boy, if getting a girl truly wasn't the objective.

[RKT Mama]

I am also not a "girly" girl, neither is my mother. I don't do clothes and make up, don't own heels and DH is constantly complaining that I don't wear dresses.
I don't have a particularly bad or good relationship with my mother that I want to replicate or repair through a daughter.
I also struggled to understand why it was so important to me to have a daughter. I have 3 sons who love me and while they go through stages of preferring DH and me, I don't think I will "loose" them in any way.

For me, I think it is living out my dreams through my daughter. I am a strong, intelligent, independant woman and I want to grow a daughter like me. I can live out through my sons but it will never be the same because they are boys, I am and always will be very proud of my sons but they will always be boys.

I kept going till I got my girl, not a path I think everyone should take but I couldn't grow old knowing that I hadn't tried everything

[chattymonkey]

Hi Alpaca

As others have said, you are definitely not alone!! I have all the same feelings that you describe, and yes, I love my boys dearly and am in no way disapointed with what I have, I am just hopelessly desperate for what I don't have. I went into this knowing that it is a girl I so desperately desire and not another child-had DS2 been pink then we would have stopped. Therefore, we've decided to go down the HT route-swaying just does not give good enough odds for me.

I tend to do more things with friends who have boys as I find it really hard watching Mums with their daughters- this definitely helps. I have never got to the bottom of why I feel like I do, but I know I have always longed a daughter, I always dreamed of a girl, assumed I would have a girl, was completely shocked and devastated the both times I was told boy during my scan......some people (not on here) may say that it is wrong and even disgusting to have the feelings that we do, but they are our emotions and we can not simply turn them off.

Anyway, I do hope you come to a decision about what to do next and I know that this site will help you immensely. PM me if you have any q's about my decision to go HT and I wish you lots of happiness! Xx. BTW-Where are you from?....going HT may not be as hard as you may think.

[alpacahome]

Thank you again. You have all been very supportive and knowing I'm not alone means so much. Reading all the posts has given me so much hope that things will be ok. You are all amazing people, thank you.

[Kittybear]

Apart from only having 1 son, I could have written your post myself :(
GD is a horrible burden to bear that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I often hope and pray that if the little girl in my dreams never arrives in my life, that this horrible burden will leave me. Take care Hun and I hope you are able to come to a decision that is best for you and your family. Sending hugs x x

[Mathilde]

I agree completely with nothinbutpink: If you don't want another baby, only a girl, then do not sway. I did and I´m not happy with myself attempting to trick myself. Save the money, wait a few years even and go for it when you can. If on the other hand the thought of a boy makes you even a little excited sway and try.