Our dream has ended

[Northern_Shutterbug]

Well, we had our 12 week scan and baby is looking well. Organs look to be in the right place, but obviously certain things aren't developed enough yet to give the full picture.

I got excited at first because the profile shot gave a lovely girly skull:
http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2879/9815382426_a9220c1244.jpg

But then the sonographer panned out and it was the most boy nub I've ever seen! This was the best print to see it
http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5522/9815342224_182466fa1d.jpg

The sonographer (who is the most experienced there and as its the detailed machine the best they have) asked if we wanted to see if it was a boy or girl, even though its still early, and she said she'd put money on it staying/being boy.

It's what I've felt all along, but I'm devastated. My dream of a daughter is over, I was so close to my little girl and she was taken away from me. I'm a big believer in karma, and I know I've done wrong in my life, so I guess I deserve this. I don't deserve a girl.

[JenB17]

oh hun, Im so sorry :( I am rubbish at the ultrasounds so I can't comment at all, but it is still early. I have no doubts that even though I trying for a girl, I will too have three boys too. As gutted as I will be for the daughter I will never have, I know that a third little boy will be a delight. I have no doubts that this little one will be perfect for your family and you soon wont be able to imagine life without them. I know (I read your blog) that you have had such a tough time of things and I feel for you so much. But as opposed to it being karma and you not deserving a girl, I don't believe that for a second and I really believe that this little one was truly meant for you. I hope you find peace soon xxx

[wantingonemore]

I was in a similar place 2 years ago when I found out I was expecting my third boy at the 19 week scan. Although I had not been through the tragedy you have been through, I was still devastated as I had convinced myself that pregnancy no. 3 would be a girl. I am embarrassed to admit I cried for weeks and thought I couldn't possibly consider a 4th child - my chance for a daughter was over.
2 years on - and we have a delightful little man who is full of joy and besotted with his 2 big brothers... I cannot imagine our family without him. I can now see a future with 6 in the family so we are going HT soon, which may or may not work. If it doesn't I know I will be more than content with our 3 little musketeers :)

[onebigwish]

Oooh no i am so sorry for you :(:(

[pinkdreamer]

Oh hun, I'm very sorry you're feeling this way, I just wanted to offer a little bit of hope, I had a very boy looking nub on one of my pics and was scared to post it but it was a girl anyway, 12 weeks is early days and nothing at this stage is 100%. I would prepare yourself to hear boy though and just wanted to send you my hugs and thoughts and hope that if this is another little man that time will heal the pain xx

[Dana-Alicia]

I'm sorry you didn't hear girl. He looks very cute, I love his little nose. He will heal your broken in so many way's. After losing your daughter, life seems to be over. But it's our children and especially the rainbow babies, who get us through it. This little baby boy will be amazing.

And would it help to make a plan? HT maybe to try one last time for your little girl? I can totally understand not being able to move on without a little girl. Is that at all possible? I hope so.

[Northern_Shutterbug]

Thank you, but this is it. No more.

I'm struggling more than I thought I would tbh. At the moment I don't want this baby. I would never get rid of him, but in my heart right now I don't want another boy. I've been really struggling the past few weeks with coping with the two I have, but I had that hope that I may be bringing a girl into our family, but that hope is gone. Instead I'm full of dread at three boys and how I'll cope.

I hate that I sound selfish and I know I'm a spoilt brat/bitch/ insert your own word here, I just don't know what to do now. I want to see and hold my baby girl again, make the most of it, never let her go.

[Thorz300]

Northern this is heartbreaking!!!! If only I had the right words for you to feel better! I can't imagine what you are feeling. All I can say is I felt the same way with ds3 at times I didn't even want to continue with the pregnancy and wished I could take it all back. I would never consider abortion or anything, I just at times wished it never happened. It was the hardest pregnancy I ever had emotionally and physically. I was on strict bed rest for 5 months. I hated every moment. I of course fell in love with him once he was here. He is by far my most challenging and difficult child, but there is something so special about this little dude and our family would not be the same without him. He is such a daddy's boy and my husband LOVES that because the other two never were. He LOVES his older brothers and wants to be just like them..... It's really so sweet and I absolutely adore having my 3 boys. You are in a very unique situation that not many people can relate to, but my heart hurts for you. I am a very spiritual person, and I truly believe The Lord has a plan for each one of us, and he understands better than anyone what we are feeling and we can find comfort in him. I also believe that you will see and be with your sweet Evelyn again after this life! I wish I could hug you and help you find peace in this. I'm so sorry for your pain!

[Wanting-a-girl]

Congrats on your HEALTHY little man! He appears to be gorgeous... Tbh I have no idea how you feel obviously upset :( you should be holding your little Evelyn right now and instead your finding out your having a boy... It's a sad situation that your in cause you did have a girl and she was taken from you :(

Please don't resent him for being a boy try to embrace his health... He is going to bring you so much happiness believe me... As I sit here with my ds3 climbing all over my head the one baby I wanted so bad to be a girl and he is my best friend I wouldn't ever say he's my favorite (out loud) we have the closest bond ever... Maybe you can try again? I know after ds3 I didn't feel complete in general I felt like I needed a girl but most of all another baby and I got ds4; and let me tell you I feel complete I have no desire for the girl I once wanted... Which is a million times dif then your situation I know but in general I feel done and ready to move on from my child bearing...

I hope this is coming out right lol... I hate typing you can't hear tones and stuff and I tend to ramble all over the place :s

I know you must just plain and simple feel ripped off... And I can't even begin to imagine going through that kind of loss boy or girl... I say go shopping get some retail therapy in and maybe do a spa day to relax and get away...

I would try and focus on his health cause there is nothing more important than that :)

[two1984]

I really feel for you, this must be so so hard. Life can be so cruel. Its awful you lost your daughter, and this now must feel so terrible. I'm not sure there is anything that can be said that will make you feel better right now, but I hope in time it will get easier.

I have two boys also and we lost our little girl at 17 weeks in February and it was absolutely devastating. I know it was under different circumstances, she died inutero due to suspected trisomy 13 or 18 but we never knew there was actually a problem until I had bleeding and it was discovered she had passed. It was the worst time of my life and I still miss her desperately.

I think the loss has made this new pregnancy (currently 20 weeks) so much harder as I desperately want this one to be another girl, whereas before, the desire wasn't as strong as this. I mean we wanted a daughter after DS2 but somehow whilst i was pregnant with her and before we found out she was a girl, I was okay with the possibility of a third boy. This time I am really struggling with the idea.. Not sure if I have explained that properly. I think somehow the loss has made my feelings more intense and it is an awful feeling as every time I think it is a boy I feel so depressed because I so badly want another daughter.

We don't know the sex of this baby, but I deep down feel it is a boy. The nub shot has also been pretty inconclusive, which hasn't helped either. This pregnancy has been so tough mentally, initially i was only worried about the health of the baby and convinced there would be another problem. Fortunately, the nuchal scan results have been good, but now the gender worries have set in. I have my anatomy scan next week and apart from hoping that everything is okay, I am absolutely dreading hearing that the baby is a boy. We hadn't really planned to get pregnant again so soon, and in hindsight I wish we had waited until I was in a better frame of mind.
I know none of this has been of much help, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your feelings.
I am sending you lots of hugs and will keep my fingers crossed that the nub theory isn't accurate in your case and yours is one of the ones that ends up being a girl

[retrolove1]

I'm so very sorry, life does seem to unfair.

I've never had to experience what you went through so can only empathise. I've just found out this is DS3 for us so I will never have my daughter. The first couple of days I struggled, I wasn't showing my bump the usual attention and just cried a lot. Now only 3 days on I am fine, yes I still have GD but I love this little man already.

I got mainly girl nub guesses so shows nub isn't always right. X

[monkeysnuffer]

Well, they didn't say 100% boy. Things can still change. Please don't feel you don't DESERVE a girl. YOu deserve the very best in life. I hope you feel better soon. ((HUGS))

[atomic sagebrush]

I am so sorry Northern. :(

[myrainbowgirl]

I am so sorry, Northern. I have never had a girl and lost her, so I cannot relate to that sort of pain. However, I am pregnant with DS4, and I can completely understand your feelings of not wanting the baby. I would have never dreamed I would feel that way, but I did. And like Thorz, I would never abort, however, I really just wished it had never happened. I also agree with her...I truly believe God has a plan for each of us, and that it is best. But believe me, I was very mad at Him at first! But I can tell you that I now feel much better. (I found out a month ago.) I know it will continue to be a process, as I can't say I'm very excited about this baby yet. I think I will get there, though, and am letting myself take my time. Give yourself time. It will get better, I promise. Once he is here, you won't be able to imagine life without him. Huge hugs!

[Dreamofpink]

Northern, I've followed your story from the time when we were on the ttc boards together. I'm so so sorry for the way things have turned out for you, it's a heartbreaking turn of events. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel, it's taken me a while to get used to the idea of ds3 but I know the love will be overwhelming when we get to meet him. Your instinct has been so strong from the beginning about the baby being a boy. I know it's not what you want & need but I just pray that you'll have an uneventful pregnancy this time & have a gorgeous new son to cuddle in the new year :heart:

Sent from my LG-E400 using Tapatalk 2

[SoulSister]

Thinking of you Northern xxx

[iwonder]

Big hugs to you, Northern. Your baby is adorable, BTW. I am so glad you can come here for support.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I am so sorry. I can't imagine the hurt and anger and rawness that you feel right now. I followed your story from afar and felt so sad for your experience. I imagine that, for the moment, this news has added insult to injury. I hope you can find peace with it and enjoy your new little guy (if he does, in fact, end up being a boy).

[never-say-never]

I`m so sorry you didn`t get the news you wanted.

[Happylane]

Hi Northern,
I just read a response you wrote to someone who was upset after her 12 week NT scan. You wrote that it was still so early! 12 wks will give you about 50/50%. So I'm saying the same thing to you. It's still early. All hope is not lost. Try to hang onto that instead of falling into the place that you're going. You've been dealt some tough cards with your little girl and I'm so incredibly sorry for that. You might have another little girl in there. You just can't really tell yet no matter how great the machine or tech. I do hope you hear what you want but if you don't I hope you find comfort in the fact that you have a healthy beautiful baby. Praying you find peace. :)

[kpmum]

I also wanted to say 2 of my friends were told boy at the 12 week scan and found out they were having girls at 20 weeks. There is still a chance. It's good to get urself prepared. I'm so sorry ur going thru this xxx