I just want to be happy about this little boy

[lemonade]

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my second little boy. I thought I was over GD, but the past few days I'm feeling constantly on the brink of tears.

My 18-month-old son is extremely physical and he is only getting more so each day. It is hard for me to keep up with him and keep him out of trouble when I am exhausted and already huge. He doesn't really talk yet, so it's all go-go-go. He's cute as can be. But the thought that I'm having another one of these wild little creatures is overwhelming. Two boys under two to literally chase after all day.

I try to bring my son to library story hour, and he spends the whole time trying to escape the room, whereas little girls can actually sit still and clap along to songs. Even my mom tells me how much less physical we were as children and how she sees why I give up trying to keep the house immaculate. (She had girls.) She tells me how we would just sit still and draw or play quietly. She can't look after my son long without the help of my dad, so she understands why I'm overwhelmed looking after him during the day by myself. And he's not even a difficult child.

I keep running into things that reinforce GD again. Maybe I'm just imagining this, but I look at moms with little girls and they just look so at peace that they have their daughters. They know deep down they will have that strong female connection with their daughter for life.

My husband OTOH is thrilled to be having two sons, so I almost feel like these boys are more for him. He is unbelievably close to his brother. I cannot understand the brotherly connection or brother dynamics as I only had a sister. I'm expecting years of wrestling, fighting, destruction and noise.

I read a blog post by a woman with a baby boy who bemoaned the saying "A son is a son 'til he gets a wife..." and I felt her pain, until I saw a more recent post with a picture of her son and new baby girl. Guess she got her "daughter for life" after all....

I also worry about how my boys will turn out too. Maybe it's because I have witnessed first hand an unusual number of "lost men" who never quite get it together well into their late 20s and even late 30s. I know more men who are perpetual bachelors or recently single than married men, and many of them have other dysfunctional issues, like drinking way too much. I guess I haven't seen enough examples of men turning out well that I have much faith in my ability to raise boys well. It seems like it's so easy for boys to go down the wrong path. That's a huge part of my GD right there.

This pregnancy is almost like a stepping stone. I can't stop thinking ahead to the next one after this one is born, hoping that PGD is in the cards for us, but dreading it at the same time because it will be horribly invasive. But I keep fantasizing about the possibility of twin girls. Then I'm disgusted with myself for considering PGD in the first place, and horrified by how much it will cost.

Please help, I just want to be happy about this sweet baby boy again and enjoy him. I want to stop looking at families with little girls and feel sad. I should be grateful for this healthy pregnancy and a brother for my son, but instead I'm often close to tears. I feel like by having two boys I'll just be resentful under the surface and completely out of my depth.

[here_we_go!]

So sorry!!! I could've written this post today, as well. In fact I've been having so much gender envy this week, that I popped back on here to "be with" others who understand.

I'm also 25 weeks, and this is my 3rd boy. I, too, feel sick about my feelings. It's very conflicting to feel blessed for a healthy baby, but sad it's not the girl I prayed (and swayed) so hard for. I also find myself looking ahead to baby #4 (if this 3rd csection goes well) and worry how I'll feel if my LAST baby is another BOY. I want to enjoy this baby to the fullest... not wish our time away.

My husband understands my pain and feels bad he can't "give" me a girl. We've always thought we wanted 4 kids, but I know I would've stopped at 3, had this baby been a girl. So my husband keeps encouraging me, telling me God knows my heart and maybe it's His way of getting us to have the 4 children He intended us to. That's what I'm clinging to.

My problem with having all these boys is both my father and my husband don't have good relationships with their mothers. It scares me to death. I am a reasonable person though, and I know I'm not the same as their mothers...

I've reached out to a good friend with 3 boys. She PROMISES it gets better once you meet and hold your new son. I can attest it does too... I remember when DS2 was born, feelings change.

Lemonade, you are not alone!!

[nuthinbutpink]

You really can't judge a book by its cover. Everyone has something they are dealing with, going through, etc. Nobody's life is perfect. Nobody's.

Having little kids no matter the genders is hard. Raising little kids is hard.

Little girls do not just sit there all day long and color and clap to songs. I know it may seem that way when you have an active child but it's just not true. Don't set yourself up to fail though. If you know he really isn't in to story time, find something he does like and go there instead. He is only 18 months. A baby. Give him some time to grow into the person he is going to be. The first 2.5 years with my son were hard. He was my fourth and I was so over the baby phase. He was a tough cookie. Now, when I put him to bed and he asks me to lay down with him everynight, he turns to me in the dark and reaches for my face and says "I miss you mommy. I love you so much mommy." Breaks my heart and fills me with joy all at the same time. I missed him so much too for 10 years while I waited for him and finally had to go and get him.

The gift of a same sex sibling is awesome. Although you may have preferred a pigeon pair, I personally think a same sex sibling is the best gift you can give them. I really believe that.

My girls pitch fits. I have had them embarass me in public. Yes, they can be good and sit but at 18 months, it's a crapshoot.

If you want your son to hang around, teach him about what kind of woman he should be looking for and be a great mother in law. They don't all leave.

And finally, if you really want a girl and you can afford HT, just do it. Go for it. It is so worth it and it is done and over before you know it and then it's just life. Two boys will be very cool. Lots of love for mommy. You'll see.

[trifecta]

I'm sorry you're feeling low. I have also looked at mothers of girls and had the same observation about feeling at peace. I probably won't experience that kind of completeness and I do miss it, however I wanted to reassure you that raising two boys is totally doable and doesn't have to be overwhelming. Mine are also about two years apart (4 and 2) and I really love their dynamic especially now that they are able to play long, imaginative games together like restaurant and school. They do need a lot of physical activity so I do something to wear them out every day like swimming or going to the park but I like to think that if I had a girl I would also encourage her to be athletic. They have their moments but our house is not a madhouse and parenting two boys is often pretty easy because they like so many of the same things. They are also able to sit still and listen, but it’s a skill you develop with time and they were into everything at 18 months, too! They are just so curious and want to explore at that age. It is a bummer not to have a girl but it’s not a bad thing at all to have two boys; it can actually be a whole lot of fun.

[Adia]

I try to bring my son to library story hour, and he spends the whole time trying to escape the room, whereas little girls can actually sit still and clap along to songs. Even my mom tells me how much less physical we were as children and how she sees why I give up trying to keep the house immaculate. (She had girls.) She tells me how we would just sit still and draw or play quietly. She can't look after my son long without the help of my dad, so she understands why I'm overwhelmed looking after him during the day by myself. And he's not even a difficult child.

:rofl: That is why I never took my girls to story hour at the library, they wouldn't sit still, wouldn't sing along and had no problem screaming and making me look like a lousy mother!

It gets better once the baby is born in many ways. Being pregnant and exhausted coupled with GD is about as bad as its going to get. Like others have said, raising little kids is exhausting!!

Hang in there, it gets better with time, I promise.

[ocean]

I was once where you are. The feeling that everything around you is reinforcing that not having a girl = sadness. Obsessing about every child or stroller that passes by. Forecasting out what life will be like, a life where the gender of your children seems the only meaningful factor. Pregnancy hormones are raging, and you're energy-sapped from chasing after your firstborn.

I'm here to tell you from 'the other side' that it gets SO SO much better. Indescribably better! My DS2 is the happiest baby on the face of the earth. Getting to KNOW him, to see his smile, hear his laugh, cuddle him, see him interacting with DS1, and to see how much DS1 ADORES the baby....it's overwhelming. My heart is filled with love. The pregnancy hormones have abated, I'm feeling better and getting sleep, and appreciate the idea of brothers more than I ever did before. My DH would've LOVED to have a brother. I've just given my DS1 the greatest gift there is - an ally, a compatriot, a best bud.

What's hard to realize when we're still pregnant - and even the first month or two when you're so tired - is that this child is YOUR child, he is made from you and your husband, and he's his own unique person, completely different from DS1.

Also, when I really examine why I want a girl, I know that part of it is just wanting what I grew up in because it's more familiar - sisters and aunts and women-folk. And part of it is wanting to be the one others are jealous of (at least in my perception). And wanting to buy the colors I 'can't' buy. None of these things matter in the long run of my life. Yes, there are other factors, but kids come with no guarantee of what they'll be like and their relationship to you, and we all know sons who stay close to their moms, and girls who become estranged, and vice versa. Forecasting out what you think your life will be like before you've even met your child, seen what they're like, given them a chance to grow up....that's just imagination gone ridiculously rampant from preggo hormones and misery-driven thinking for no gain at all.

[Mabel_79]

I know exactly how you feel and have had all the same thoughts and emotions myself.
But wanted to say that my DS2 is my World. Don't get me wrong- he is a difficult boy and has lots of anger. He has me in tears at times- but he is the most loving, soppy boy too. The way his face lights up when I pick him up from pre-school, and how he whispers hundreds of 'I love yous' when I snuggle in his bed at night. I know as a mother you are not supposed to have favorites as such, but there is something about my DS2. I so wanted him to be a girl, but I would never in a million years go back and change things.

I have very little support from family (my parents are very elderly as both me and my Mum didn't meet our husbands till later in life), and at times it is very exhausting (when I am chasing off down the road after my boys on the school run, screaming a them to slow down etc), but it keeps me fit (I'm certainly a lot slimmer and fitter than most of the other mums I know ha ha ; ) )
Seeing my two boys playing together is amazing too. Your DS1 will love having a brother.

Then, in a few years maybe try PDG if you can afford it. I wish we had. I knew that although I love my boys completely I still felt I needed a daughter. We did an epic sway, but DS3 is on his way in a few months time. I am devastated, but know I will love him completely as I do DS2.

A tip from a mum of 4 boys was 'rule the roost with an iron fist'. I have become a lot stricter and tougher on my boys these past couple of months. I don't take any nonsense. (My boys are nearly 4 and 6). I am now sure this is the key to make parenting all boy families a bit easier on Mums. This includes my husband too- they all need to know I'm in charge and not a pushover that does all their cleaning/ironing etc.

Good luck with DS2- I'm sure he will be amazing and you will be surprised how much you feel he was 'meant to be'.

Xx

[lemonade]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling more level-headed now. These pregnancy hormones are crazy-making. I know toddler girls are definitely not sugar and spice all the time (knowing my nieces) but it seemed that way to me that day. I have been so exhausted lately it's unbelievable.

I saw a sweet, tiny newborn boy at the mall yesterday (a third boy for the mother). It just reminded me that I will soon be holding my own precious newborn boy in my arms in a couple months. And now I can't wait.

My son will do much better with a brother close in age, it's true. He'll always have a playmate no matter what. And he really is the cutest thing ever, like a mischievous little elf. Why wouldn't I want another one of him?

So for now I'm feeling okay again, but I'm so glad I have this place to vent!

[Adia]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling more level-headed now. These pregnancy hormones are crazy-making. I know toddler girls are definitely not sugar and spice all the time (knowing my nieces) but it seemed that way to me that day. I have been so exhausted lately it's unbelievable.

I saw a sweet, tiny newborn boy at the mall yesterday (a third boy for the mother). It just reminded me that I will soon be holding my own precious newborn boy in my arms in a couple months. And now I can't wait.

My son will do much better with a brother close in age, it's true. He'll always have a playmate no matter what. And he really is the cutest thing ever, like a mischievous little elf. Why wouldn't I want another one of him?

So for now I'm feeling okay again, but I'm so glad I have this place to vent!

What great news! Try and remember these feelings of excitement if the GD monster creeps in again. Don't let GD ruin what a miracle you have inside of you, although it is SO easy to dash those good feelings when you perfect little girls out in public.

Will you try for a 3rd baby?

[luxelover]

So glad that you're feeling better, OP. If you're anything like me, you'll find it comes in waves - some days feeling sad and others feeling so happy and proud that your heart could just burst out of your chest.

My DS2 is 11 months old now, and wow, do I LOVE this boy. One of my greatest fears about having 2 boys was whether I would have the capacity to love another son like I love my DS1 (he is my dream child!) DS2 is totally different, much more curious, loud, rambunctious, naughty, sociable, fearless... it's almost like being a first-time mom again! He is also SO sweet and cuddly, clambering onto my lap for big hugs and stroking my face during midnight feeds. He is also quite beautiful (according to strangers, who stop us in the street most days we go out), has the biggest smile, and gets a lot of attention - not for his gender, just for being him. As a PP said, this is YOUR baby, your precious soul that you are going to meet for the first time in just a few short weeks. I would never, ever want to go back and change things, even though I still sometimes long for a DD. I feel so guilty for experiencing GD during my pregnancy, and in those first, sleep-deprived weeks following his birth. He is just so wonderful, and I am so lucky to have him in my life. Seeing my boys together is just amazing in every way, watching their bond strengthen every day is a privilege. My DH would have loved a brother, and I now see that it truly was the best gift I could have given DS1.

Be kind to yourself - I know when GD rears its ugly head I start seeing things through a filter - I only notice the well-behaved girls and the hellion boys. When you feel like you are now, start looking at what it's REALLY like - just this morning at my DS1's preschool, two girls were pitching huge fits at drop-off, while several of the boys were quietly modeling a zoo out of clay (looking at the girls as if they were crazy). You are a lucky mama to have two beautiful boys in your life, and it just gets better every day once the little one is here, making his lovely presence felt. Congrats to you xxx

[Twosweetboys]

I didn't read all the replies, but I want you to know I know exactly how you feel. I was so sure #2 was a girl...the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, the first thing I envisioned was a tiny baby girl. I "just knew." So I was floored and somewhat devastated when they said he was a boy. I actually don't think I had known before that point how incredibly badly I wanted a girl...I just assumed it would be. It was kind of horrible and I was near tears all the time, from disappointment and from guilt at the disappointment!
He's now 5 months old. He is gorgeous and perfect and I absolutely adore him - can't stop kissing those squishy cheeks! And like pp said? I am so so glad my sons will always have a buddy, a best friend, a BROTHER, for life. They're only 2 years apart..what an incredible relationship this can be. But! I'll be honest - althought my GD has lessened considerably because I get to hold this precious baby boy all day, my yearning for a baby girl has NOT gone away. I think about it all the time. I have debated PGD like crazy but I'm 90% sure we'll do it because I just cannot imagine living with this nagging feeling forever - like a piece is missing.

[black&gold]

My DS2 is the most calm, chill little boy ever (he just turned 2). His older brother on the other hand is very active and definitely not the sit still type. He literally won't play on his own for 2 seconds.. he has to have someone entertaining him all the time. But they are both the sweetest ever in their own ways and I would NEVER trade DS2 for anything. I personally (no offence to anyone at all!) think a pigeon pair is my least favourite situation you can have. Sure you get one of each.. but then most people stop, and your son never has a brother and your daughter never has a sister. My DH only has a younger sister and they never talk or see eachother. He always says he wishes he had a brother too. I think the best thing you can give your child is a same gender sibling. From the get go I wanted either 2 boys and 1 girl, or 2 girls. I'm pregnant with #3 and banking on it being another boy and honestly, i'm okay with that. I definitely have my moments where it hurts but I try not to think about not having that relationship with a daughter or whatever. Your a mom to be a mom, I don't think we should expect friendships out of our kids, and boys NEED their moms more than anyone! Any guy will definitely tell you that! I think the problems comes when moms are overbearing and end up pushing the sons away and annoying the daughter in law (that's what's happened with my DH's mom - they were so so close, but then she got way to overbearing and annoying and now he really has no interest at all.) Trust me, you will LOVE having this second little boy. I try to tell myself that like everything in life, things always seem so amazing until you have it. Sure, we might feel "complete" with a daughter in the family dynamic sense and happy we have both genders, but other things will come our way and life won't be "perfect" forever.

[kpmum]

So glad ur feeling better. I had GD when I found out DS2 was a boy. I didn't sway I just assumed I would get a girl after having a boy. I'm so glad I did now. My boys are 4 and 2 and little buddies and companions for each other. There's nothing like brotherly love and I know they will have each other for the rest of their lives. My desire for a girl hasn't gone (doing HT) but I am so happy I had 2 boys. All the best for the delivery of ur little prince x

[from2to3]

Oh my goodness! When I read this, it brought me back to my own feelings I had when I was pregnant with my DS2!! I tried to act happy when we found out during the ultrasound, and then the next day when I came home for lunch...I just started bawling!! I think I have just always thought I'd have a boy and girl, and I had gotten my boy first as 'planned' and now it was time for my girl. We only planned on having two kids, so this meant I would never get a girl. To add to this, a lot of our close friends had girls. I never realized how much I wanted girl, which is crazy because I am a tom boy. But like every one has said, when your baby boy comes you will fall so in love! I LOVE my DS2 to pieces, he has the biggest bluest eyes and is a complete sweetheart. Yes, he is just as active as his brother so I have two very active boys but I wouldn't trade him for anything. I love the connection that my two sons have. They are 9 days short of 2 yrs apart. The first year was challenging but now I am glad they are close in age. Especially lately I overhear them tell each other that they love each other...makes my heart swell. I do have a friend that has a girl and she is a big challenge for them....very high maintenance, tom boy yet cries and screams a lot.
I am the only one in both our families that doesn't have a child of the same sex and yes sometimes I do feel like I'm missing something. We are in a dilemma right now deciding if we really are done or if we try one more time for a girl. It is awesome that our boys have each other. Very convenient to have a family of four. Yet, sometimes I think we had our DS2 because if we would have had a girl the second time we would have been done for sure and we are really meant to have three. We are just so scared to end up with three boys...no matter how much we love them. Am I just being selfish? Keep a great family of 4 or take the chance for baby girl?!
Good luck to you, hope your pregnancy and delivery goes well! Hope that you find peace with your two boys, and if you try again for a girl hope you get her!