View Full Version : Why do I keep doing this to myself?

October 4th, 2013, 08:20 AM
Since the beginning I knew this was another boy, deep down it was there. The pregnancy has been identical to my boys, whereas Evelyn was so different.

At our 12 week scan the tech was 90% sure it was a boy and wouldn't change, the nub is obviously a boy.

But I still do stupid online predictors, that go off old wives takes and each one days GIRL. I go searching for tales of nubs that went the other way, or where they'd been told boy all along but it was a girl at the birth.

Why do I keep torturing myself? I know it's going to hurt so much again at the scan tomorrow when they say there's still a huge nub there that's unlikely to go down or turn girly. I know I'll cry on the way home and when I'm alone I'll let those all consuming, can't breathe, body convulsing sobs come out. I know I'll look at all the mums I know and secretly hate that they have girls. I know my husband will be hurting on the inside too but try to be positive about another boy, and I know I'll hate my body for letting him down, for letting us think that we'd be getting our girl with our angel, for not protecting her. I know my boys will ask if they're getting a sister like Evelyn and it'll break my heart saying no and seeing my littlest not understand why he can't have the sister he so desperately wants to play house with. Then on Monday when we finally tell my parents the first thing my dad will ask is if its the granddaughter he's been waiting for, one to take the place of Evelyn, who he was just so excited to be finally getting, instead I'll tell him it's another boy, another boy he won't know how to deal or play with and I'm dreading seeing his disappointed face.

I didn't think gender desire would hit me this strong. I got it in my head that I'd swayed so well. The stats for a girl on clomid were so high I would be guaranteed a baby girl. I was so foolish and tomorrow at that scan I just know it'll hit me like a ton of bricks.

October 4th, 2013, 10:22 AM
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, I can't even imagine what you have gone through, I wish I could just give you a hug

atomic sagebrush
October 4th, 2013, 10:51 AM
I'm so sorry Northern, I don't even have the words to say. :( If there was a way I could fix it I would.

October 4th, 2013, 11:20 AM
Your sadness really struck me, so so sorry you're feeling this way. I also wish there was something I could do to help you. Please hang in there.

October 4th, 2013, 12:16 PM
I'm so sorry you are struggling. Counseling may be a good idea to help process all of this. Losing Evelyn is still so fresh and talking to someone IRL may help. I wish swaying could be a guarantee but it's just not and in HT we are looking for more international HT options that are more affordable. Maybe that's something you can consider and plan for at some point.

The Anchor
October 4th, 2013, 02:56 PM
I don't have the words, my heart is breaking for you. Stay strong, and know that we are here for you :heart:

October 4th, 2013, 03:56 PM
oh hun, i wish i could stop you feeling so heartbroken. i have no idea how painful it must feel hearing boy after you were so close to a girl. I was heartbroken enough hearing boy without a glimpse of my dream. I can only tell you, like many ladies here also will, that once he is here you wouldnt swop him for anything, just like with your first two. Something inside us just kicks in and we cant help but love them... and sometimes even moreso because of how we felt in the beginning. Dont torture yourself with predictors though i know its easier said than done. Take each day one day at a time and let yourself feel sad as thats the way you will come to terms with it. We are all here for you x

October 4th, 2013, 03:57 PM
meant to add... i always said no to 4 but here i am trying my hardest to get there and i truly cant wait!

October 5th, 2013, 07:22 AM
Thinking of you Northern.

October 5th, 2013, 07:26 AM
Scan today and she's very sure it's a boy. I'll post the DVD we're getting but looks certain :tissue:

October 5th, 2013, 10:24 AM
Here's the video from today's scan at 14+1. You can see the potty shot near the end so you don't have to sit through the whole time!

14+1 day scan. - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHj7A1MgoMk&feature=youtu.be)

October 5th, 2013, 10:45 AM
Yea I don't think there's any getting around that being a boy. I'm sorry you didn't get to hear girl and I second the idea about counseling.

I couldn't really move on from loosing Lily either before I got some counseling and i think its best you do it now before baby arrives and before you start feeling too bad.

Remember to still allow yourself to grieve and maybe look into doing a HT pregnancy once you're ready>

October 5th, 2013, 12:27 PM
Where are you having your scans done Hun, I've never known NHS scan places be any good at gender at 20 weeks, let alone have experience with nubs, and you aren't even 15 weeks yet, it's so early still i don't think it's time to lose hope xxxx

October 5th, 2013, 12:28 PM
Btw I'm Sorry it wouldn't let me open the video, I tried xxx

October 5th, 2013, 01:01 PM
I don't know... I've seen so many scans on here be wrong. To me, that could easily be swollen girl bits too. With both my boys there was an obvious turtle.. and the penis was way thicker than just the skinny line in the middle on your video. Now I've only ever had gender predicted at 20 weeks so I know there is probably a lot of growth on a boy that could happen between 14-20 weeks so it totally could be a boy. I just could see this going either way! If you told me in 6 weeks that you were told girl I wouldn't be surprised. But I wouldn't be surprised if you also told me boy. Now I'm no expert at all, just my opinion. I'm sure this is so very devastating for you but try not to think about it until your actual scan when you can be totally sure. No point in putting your body through all that anxiety and stress when it's not 100% yet.

October 5th, 2013, 01:24 PM
I'm sorry you didn't hear girl, Northen... When my DD* died I also had counseling about 3 years later. I wish I had done it sooner, it would have saved me so much more heartache. Nothing can make losing Evelyn* better, but talking about her can be very healing. I'll respond to your pm later, have two little boys jumping around now demanding my attention.

October 5th, 2013, 01:32 PM
Hugs xxx
Sent from my Lumia 920 using Board Express

October 6th, 2013, 05:20 PM
Just like Atomic said, I'd fix it in a heartbeat if I could. You have suffered so much and this disappointment is not what you deserve.
I'll pray that you find peace and comfort for all you've been through.
Big hugs mama....

October 7th, 2013, 02:25 AM
Northern I am so sorry things are looking like they might not turn out the way you dreamed.

Please seriously consider getting counselling, I know my situation is a lill different but I so wish I had got counselling for the loss of our lill baby while I was preggie cause I dreaded the birth so much 'finally' loosing our precious baby, I gained stupid amount of weight and stretch marks and hated being pregnant and was a cow to live with. Things have got better since Naomi was born but I was a cow and really unhappy for 24weeks and hated being preggie its a long time in my lill boys lives and I regret it now I wasted my last preggie

You have been throu so much more please consider some counselling it doesn't make you weak it makes you a brave mums doing the best for your family

Hugs and words are never enough, look after yourself xx