Am I a Horrible Person?

[sbowman]

My DH and I have made the decision to go HT for a girl. I desperately want a daughter. But I'm still so upset and angry and every emotion imaginable over my baby boy. It's been a year. Part of me feels like I need to have another boy to "replace" him even though it wouldn't really replace him...but I still feel the need to. And at the same time I still want a daughter. I have wanted a daughter my whole life. I just feel like maybe my GD is wrong somehow, and I was punished for it and maybe it's just wrong for me to feel like this. My DH says that it has nothing to do with that and that ds2 was just never meant to be. And we should just move on, stick with the two child plan. I'm just sick with guilt and longing. It's 3am here and I just woke from a dream where I had to do IVF and it was still a boy and he still died. I cannot sleep. Some days I just feel like a complete mess and that I should go back on antidepressants just so I won't cry anymore...I am in a permanent funk.

[willtherebe4]

I don't think your a horrible person at all. Your just in a really bad place at the moment trying to move forward. Just go with what you feel right. Your ds's passing was not your fault and im sure this plays on the emotions of wanting a dd (which as you say was always there). Goodluck with your decision and be kind to yourself xx

[mis2ninos]

I'm sorry you're struggling with all of these emotions but it is perfectly normal to be feeling this way. I hope you find peace soon in whatever decision you choose to make.

[Mrsandmama]

Mama if you are a horrible person for feeling the way that you do, then all of us on here are horrible people- which we aren't! We can't help the way that we feel, whether it is a strong desire for a boy or a girl. Please know that you have many MANY people on here who are here to support you and help you through your emotions. Mama I applaud you for coming forward and being open and honest. Talking about feelings helps the healing process.

[sbowman]

Mama if you are a horrible person for feeling the way that you do, then all of us on here are horrible people- which we aren't! We can't help the way that we feel, whether it is a strong desire for a boy or a girl. Please know that you have many MANY people on here who are here to support you and help you through your emotions. Mama I applaud you for coming forward and being open and honest. Talking about feelings helps the healing process.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I just get to be in a dark place at times.


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[o18e]

I don't think you are a horrible person at all. And I don't think it is that irrational of a thought for you to come by. I believe I would of felt the same way. I am so sorry for your loss. As hard as it is maybe your husband is a little right about it not being meant to me. But in a positive light, that your son was so lucky to have his mommy next to his heart for 21 weeks. I know it is hard. My sister lost a baby boy and it was hard on all of us. She is now pregnant with a little girl that is due to arrive in March. I hope you are blessed with your baby girl.

[sbowman]

So thankful for the thoughtful responses. After a long talk with my DH I decided it would be best to go back on my medicine. I just really haven't been myself, and it was probably a mistake to stop in the first place...I really need to be a good mom to my DS and start feeling better. I've been back on it three days now, and I'm already seeing improvement. :)


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