Does the pain ever stop...

[GimmeaG]

Well I finally posted my failed pink sway, and starting my own Gender Disappointment thread. It has taken me a couple weeks to do this because it hurts so bad, so I have been lurking here commenting here and there but thats it. I don't know where to start...I guess with what I thought was an awesome sway attempt. I did the diet for what seemed an eternity, several weeks of bland foods, salads, plain rice and pasta. My DH already has two daughters from his previous wife we thought the odds were in our favor for sure. I followed my biorhythms and silly Chinese calendar to a T for a girl. I even spoke to two psychics lol We did the one attempt at positive OPK and the deal was done...

So 12 weeks in my OBGYN suggest getting a NT scan and the new maternit21 test done due to my age so I go. The NT scan goes well and I ask the doc doing it if by chance she can take a guess at the gender and print out a good nub shot for me...silly me did not think for one second she would really guess so early on but sure enough she said, "well I am about 95% sure THAT is a boy!" My heart sank in those few seconds looking at that 42" screen of what she was pointing out a penis. Now, in my mind I am thinking "that is NOT a nub shot, that is a potty shot...not good to judge on a 12w baby"...but that damn 95% she sang out to me was torture for my thoughts. And after all that, all the doc printed out was a profile picture of my sweet baby. I didn't even look at the picture. I wanted to run out of that office and scream...but I had to stay and get several tubes of blood drawn for the test...Geez:tissue: So I can't even understand what the nurse is saying as she is taking my blood, my ears were ringing so bad. Then I started to cry, she thought she was hurting me and I just shook my head and said I was fine. What do you say? Oh Im crying because I didn't hear what I wanted in the sono room...and yes the baby looks healthy....Im crying because she didn't say "looks like a girl". I knew I couldn't say that, everything in me felt like a selfish beast...I think thats what really set me off.

So I make it to my car, I'm by myself...and I cry for what seems an eternity. People walking by must have been thinking, "oh she must have been told some terrible news about her poor baby...how sad" Nope...just crying for the gender and feeling like a pathetic POS:hair: I had to pull myself together because my mother was watching the boys for me while I was gone, my DH was on his way home from work and there was NO way I could let them see me like this. Ya...didn't work. I just told my mom I was just scared about all the testing and it was just hormones...that was a close one. Now my husband gets home and I lose it. He was very supportive because we both tried so hard for this girl...then he reminded me that it's still early and she was going off a potty shot, which is not very supportive with what I have been researching online about nubs. WOW...I had some hope at this point. I pulled out the picture of my baby that night and send in a photo of the profile for a guess at the skull. I know, not very reliable but I was grabbing at straws and needed some hope. The pain was so bad I felt I couldn't bear. Several ladies replied GIRL...oh thank goodness. I could sleep at night, for now.

So the way maternit21 works is it takes a couple weeks for the results. If they pic up a Y then boy if not girl. I am riding on hope at this point but my DH said prepare myself for BOY since I already had a big blow at the NT scan. He was so upset that doctor made that guess. Anyways...one week after I took the M21 test my phone rings...the test came back early. The genetic counselor tells me all looks well and baby looks healthy, the test is 94.5% accurate BLA BLA BLA then she asks if I still want to know the gender...I took in a deep breath...my heart was in my throat...I said Yes tell me...she said "looks like it is a BOY" :broken: I quickly say thank you and hang up. I cried ALL day. No exaggeration...I didn't know I could cry so much. I didn't know the pain would be so bad (over dramatic I know) I must have called all my friends that knew I wanted a girl so bad. They did a good job helping. I text my husband the news. He came home with flowers and a gift to open and said to open it when I was ready. I didn't know the pain and disappointment with myself for feeling this way would hit me so hard.

The next couple days is a blur. I didn't cook, clean, shower...my boys were staying with their father over the thanksgiving break so I was thankful they didn't see me this way. I was feeling pathetic and then my phone rang. It was my ex's girlfriend's number that showed up, she was watching the boys while ex was at work...I hurried to answer thinking something was wrong...it was my 8 year old son on the other line. He said "Hi mommy, I just wanted to call and tell you I miss you really bad and I love you so much:hug2: Then my 6 yr old son came on and pretty much said the same thing and said he rather be with me then his daddy...I think God was trying to tell me something. He let me hurt those few days, but let me know that little boys...no matter what age, will love their mommy with a love that is so deep. Just like daddy's have their little girls...well we have our mama's boys. I still am thanking God for that phone call. I finally took a shower, cleaned a little and tried not to look like a mess when DH came home.

I felt a bit better after that and then my husband told me I could finally get that Ragdoll kitten I have been wanting...a 4 legged daughter. I had one as a young girl and she was my best friend, best pet I have EVER owned. I talk about her often, so my DH thought though it be the same, maybe it will help me heal. I know when I finally get to hold my son I wouldn't trade him for a thousand girls, but for now my 4 legged daughter will help these wounds. Maybe I would have a different outlook if I was closer to my DH two daughters, but they are teenagers and never really come over. When they do they are always on their phones or in the room...there isn't much bonding time with them. They are close with their mother...I am just the step mom :roll eyes:

I can't go in the stores yet and look at the little girls side, I tried and it hurts so bad. I don't know when the pain will finally go away. Will it ever? I am just glad this site is here for me to vent...thank you for that...thanks for being here.

[Adia]

Oh honey, I am so sorry.

Does the pain ever go away? No! But it fades....a lot.... with time. I am 5 years out from my horrid GD storm & everything is fine. I still want a boy...keep miscarrying...but in perspective, I have a lot to be grateful for.

You are in a very yucky place where the love of DS3 hasn't yet separated itself from your very normal desire for a girl. It takes time and torture but I promise you will get there.

As of this summer I am the only DIL in DH family to not produce a boy....that's a huge crime in the eyes of my FIL and MIL but GD has made me tough and they can f#%k off for all I care.

When I got divorced 10 years ago a friend said, "divorce sucks but if you let it, it can teach you more about yourself than you thought possible". While GD hasn't exactly taught me as much as divorce, I have learned a lot about myself and it has forced me to deal with the realities of life and learn to accept them...and still find happiness...so that is a good thing and has definitely helped in other areas of my life.

I remember the blur of months from gender u/s to giving birth. The most important thing you can do is BE NICE TO YOURSELF! Beating yourself up isn't going to do anyone any good. And SERIOUSLY consider lying to most people about the gender. The comments about the 3rd of the same gender are appalling and completely rude.

Hang in there my fellow Texan....it will be ok, I promise. Big hugs!!!

[hotdogz&boyz]

I have no useful advice. But I wanted to offer big hugs and I hope each day gets a little bit better until that day when you meet your little boy and he melts your heart himself. It's awful to be in this place. But do, as Adia said, be nice to yourself. You are not a POS and you needed time to grieve. I once sobbed because my son dumped tadpole eggs down the sink. I mean, we all have our moments of unabashed grief, no matter if it compares to "someone else's grief" is of no consequence. You needed that time to sob and yell and be angry. That doesn't make you selfish or a bad person. You are just human and that hurt. I hope your journey is upward from here.

[trifecta]

Your story was so moving that I cried when I read it. I hope you feel better for having written it. Hotdogz&boyz is right; you'r not a POS at all, just a person coming to terms with the loss of a dream and it's hard. It sounds like you did a really good sway. I hope knowing you did what you reasonably could to have a girl will be a comfort to you in the future. Your family also sounds wonderful and very empathetic. Take good care of yourself.

[GimmeaG]

Thank you so much ladies...and this is why I love this site! :awe: I do feel a bit better after typing and posting it. I did have a good cry in the bathroom afterwords lol but it felt good. I am just trying to move on and out of this hole of "poor me". Each day is different. Didn't help last night DH saying "OMG we are going to have 3 of these running around!" REALLY!!?? My boys have been really good considering we had a bad ice storm and they have been stuck in the house since last Thursday. Usually DH has been good about my GD but to make a comment like that really pissed me off :nono:

I am soaking all of y'alls advice in and taking a deep breath...I'm sure this won't be my last rant but you girls really do know how to make a beat down girl feel better. Many hugs to you all and thanks again for all your support!

[Two of a Kind]

Hi
My circumstances are a little different to yours, But I couldn't read & run :) Your story bought tears to my eyes, I totally understand that your desire for a daughter is completely separate to the love for your sons. Your DH sounds great! May you continue to find peace & support. All the very best x & this site is a wonderful place to rant when ever you feel the need lol

[Taylor]

I'm so sorry. I just found out on Thursday that I'm having my second boy. It's still very fresh and I'm wondering the same thing. I think I've cried more tears over this healthy baby boy than I've cried over the deaths of family members. How wrong is that?!? I feel awful. I hope it gets better and soon. :(

[motherofboys]

Huge hugs to you, as others have said be gentle with yourself.
I paid for an early gender scan with my 4th baby, I already had 3 boys, and until that 4th pregnancy I was fine with boys, and so we hadn't swayed.
I had told DH I hoped for a girl, but hadn't gone into how much I wanted one, because he really wanted a girl too. He takes a lot of blame onto himself, his family is very boy heavy.
I'd had about 98% boy guesses on the nub on sites like this one, then was confirmed boy at 16 weeks, and still I had hope. By 20 weeks I thought I was ok, but on the way to the 22 week scan I still couldn't help imagine hearing girl.
Over the course of my pregnancy I cried buckets, I really hadn't realised how much it meant to me. When my boys misbehaved I'd end up in tears again.
I hid it all from DH. I have a history of postnatal depression and not bonding with my 2nd baby (nothing to do with gender) so I was very worried about a repeat.
My 4th baby boy is 9 weeks today, I am so totally in love with him. I still feel sad at the thought of not ever having a girl though.
The chance of one more go (and a sway) comes with certain conditions and isn't guaranteed.
You need time to process it, I don't know if the pain ever goes away, people talk about one day having granddaughters, but I'm not sure if thats the same or enough, but I think it does get easier to deal with.
I used to dream of a baby girl with curly blonde hair, my little dark, straight haired boy couldn't be more opposite, but I wouldn't swap him.

[Mabel_79]

My story is similar to yours. Husband and I worked really hard on what we thought was an awesome sway. My pregnancy was so different i was convinced i had my daughter on board. So when at my 20 week scan they pointed out the balls and willy i just broke down.
I cried for about a week. Didn't get put of bed. Even researched adoption and late stage abortion (which made me cry even more as knew that's not something i could ever do).

Well, my little man is due in 6 days!! And i'm very excited! Have hardly felt any GD for the past few weeks.

I still have dreams- had one last night where he was born and they'd got it wrong and he was a she. And another where i opened an anonymous Christmas card and all it said was 'your baby girl is on her way'. But they don't upset me any more.

I still have worries that this pregnancy is 'pointless'- even DH says things like how unnecessary this baby is as we already have 2 boys and don't need any more. But they are comments said quite matter of factly- i no longer feel the heartbreak that accompanies them.

Very much looking forward to meeting my little man and seeing who he looks like and what his personality will be like.

Not sure how i will feel in a few years time- whether my intense daughter desire will return (this is definitely our last- husband has booked vasectomy), but right now i feel OK!!!

So, just wanted to let you know- it does get a bit better. I don't think i will ever be 100% free from GD but it's definitely become a lot easier to deal with.

Best wishes in your pregnancy xxxxx

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I am so thankful to hear that the pain of GD fades. I am presently on maternity leave with my 5 month old DS#2 and I must day I am down. I knew he was a he at the 20 week scan and although I love him more than life itself, I have bouts of depression that really affect my family's life. I wonder if my marriage will survive. I resent my husband and even my own kids sometimes, shameful as it is. I already feel like the odd ball in our family, isolated and misunderstood! Anyway, I noticed your threads were from December last year....how are you all doing now? How much longer will I feel this way? I am tired of feeling so down about the girl I never got when I really just want to be happy with the boys that blessed me:(


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[GimmeaG]

Hey there! Well I have 7 weeks left before he gets here, but I have started to feel a bit better. My boys 9&7 have been so great this pregnancy, very loving and making me feel extra special to have these little men doting on me. I have 2 teenage step daughters and wow, I must say hormonal teen girls are nightmares. It makes me feel a little thankful I won't have to deal with that, my husband and his ex wife are lol. These are good girls and it's like a switch was turned on...bam

Overnight the sweet 16 yr old has been caught coming home tipsy and her mother and step dad found a condom wrapper! My husband is lost for words, not to say boys don't have their naughty side, but it's different with girls. Girls these days deal with so much more than I had to, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, selfies## hashtag this and that, body image, keeping up with reality tv bimbos...girls have it hard now and it soothes my mind I won't have to deal with that. I will have 3 boys that treat me like a queen and do anything to protect me.

I still have moments when I get down and I just have to remind myself of how girls are these days are a challenge I don't think I could handle. Nothing against girl moms at all, my heart goes out to you lol so I hope that helps give some perspective that all boys is a blessing in disguise...and more opportunity to have granddaughters to spoil and not deal with all the drama.

Chin up lil mama, remember you're the queen of your castle!

[1+2+3boys]

Wow not long to go now. Goodlcuk with everything :)

My twin boys are nearly 22 months and the pain is almost gone and is now just a shimmer of sadness every now and then. I can imagine it possible for the pain to go away and just be replaced with wondering

[motherofboys]

My little man is now 5 months and I mostly have good days but when my boys play up I almost feel I'm being punished for wanting a girl so badly. I'm currently putting together a sway plan but still don't know if I'll ever get it into action. Dh still wants to move house first, this isn't possible for a few years yet, by which time it will be too late.
I'm also fed up with feeling this way and not sure if having that one more go lingering over me is helping or making it worse. Some days dh gives the impression we can try as soon as I'm ready (no af yet) others he goes on about there being no space.


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[Mulberry Smurf]

Hugs for you. Rag doll babies are amazing btw we have two boy rag dolls and they are so affectionate and loving. So sorry your away didn't work as it sounded like you put in a lot of effort. In time you'll find acceptance I know you will but right now you have to feel that pain and just keep going on regardless. You're obviously an amazing mummy as your boys love you to the end of the earth and back. Thinking of you. Xxx

[Mulberry Smurf]

Didn't see there was a second page. Doh! Good luck for the next 7 weeks hun xx

[GimmeaG]

Didn't see there was a second page. Doh! Good luck for the next 7 weeks hun xx

Thank you so much!!! Dreading dealing with the inLaws :( this is the first boy for my new husbands family and it's like I'm giving birth to a king ugh lol I wish they would just back off a bit and chill out!

[GimmeaG]

Hugs for you. Rag doll babies are amazing btw we have two boy rag dolls and they are so affectionate and loving. So sorry your away didn't work as it sounded like you put in a lot of effort. In time you'll find acceptance I know you will but right now you have to feel that pain and just keep going on regardless. You're obviously an amazing mummy as your boys love you to the end of the earth and back. Thinking of you. Xxx

Didn't see this one... Oh my sweet rag doll daughter is amazing! She is such a baby lol likes to be held like a baby, follows me everywhere, and loves on me like no other. I would say she is the next best thing, and she will never grow up and give me attitude or rebel and say she hates me haha

[1+2+3boys]

My little man is now 5 months and I mostly have good days but when my boys play up I almost feel I'm being punished for wanting a girl so badly. I'm currently putting together a sway plan but still don't know if I'll ever get it into action. Dh still wants to move house first, this isn't possible for a few years yet, by which time it will be too late.
I'm also fed up with feeling this way and not sure if having that one more go lingering over me is helping or making it worse. Some days dh gives the impression we can try as soon as I'm ready (no af yet) others he goes on about there being no space.


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I too have a rough sway plan in place but not sure if we will go for another or not. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to try to deal with accepting things the way they are now rather than the wondering what could be.
I still want a girl so much and it is easier not to think about it sometimes

[motherofboys]

Yes! Exactly as you say, sometimes I do wonder if it's easier to just call it a day and move on instead of living with the waiting and hoping!


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[from2to3]

I have no advice because I'm dealing with the same thing. Just wanted to say, you are definitely not alone. Hope when our boys come they take GD away!!

[GimmeaG]

I honestly think the pain doesn't go away, I still battle it daily...but it has gotten easier. I started in a very ugly place with horrible thoughts and now it's not near as bad as when I found out. So far so good on progressing, I just know that twinge will never go away, but I'm glad it's not so strong.

[1+2+3boys]

I honestly think the pain doesn't go away, I still battle it daily...but it has gotten easier. I started in a very ugly place with horrible thoughts and now it's not near as bad as when I found out. So far so good on progressing, I just know that twinge will never go away, but I'm glad it's not so strong.

I think so too. I don't believe I will ever stop not pining to have a daughter but it does get less painful as life goes on. You must have met that new wee man by now. I hope having him in your arms has caused for some healing and you are both doing well. xo

[Laurie1161]

:bighug: wow I've just managed to stop the tears after reading this post. I'm so sorry this has happend to you after everything you put into it. I always get ready angry when I read story's like this , then you hear story's on the news about abandoned babies , babies who are beaten, babies born to drug addicts , it's so upsetting. I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my 3rd , I was praying for a girl too , I booked myself an early private gender scan , to be told I was having a girl , I was so over the moon I cried with joy all day , I was also shocked because there is not very many girls in dh family. I posted my potty shot on a site to be told it looked like boy bits , in a panic I called the company asking for a re scan , they scanned me 2 days ago and told me I am indeed expecting my 3rd boy. I know I'll love him just the same but I feel like I've lost a daughter I never had and it's sad everyone keeps saying who cares aslong as the baby is healthy , they don't understand xx sending hugs xx

[purplepoet20]

The pain doesn't go away it just hides and comes around when you least expect it!

With DS1 I wanted a boy. I always wanted a boy first. My sweet lil mamas boy. Well he turned out to be grandmas boy at 3mths and has always been hers. I do love that he has a great bond with her because I loved my grandma beyond anyone else. DS1 was not planned and was conceived a few days before AF, during the 1 week off birth control, in a swimming pool, and right before a week vacation in Mexico.

With DS2 I thought this would be a girl because I already had a boy. My parents, stepmom, aunts, uncles, even my brother all conceived pigeon pairs so I thought it would just happen that way. DH was with me in the US room when they said another boy. I was calm and ok. We called MIL and told her in the parking lot, she had to nerve to say next time it will be a girl. After DH went back to work and I started to drive home, I cried so hard I had to pull over to avoid and accident. I did often think and pray for God to allow me to miscarry. I cried for a month before I excepted it. I decided if I was going to have another boy he was going to be a mamas boy. Ok so he was! I held him 24/7 and he was so attached to me. I love the silly butt.

With DS3 we swayed for a long time. I do have a vitamin absorption defect so I knew with the extra vitamins I was more likely to have another boy. I tried to go really strong in the beginning but changed after 3mths. I did a middle of the road sway, but still nothing. So for a few months I did hardly anything and still nothing. I did give up during Christmas but DH still wanted to keep trying. I was off the diet but still ate a few things. I took a few pills the week before O. I conceived twins, later confirmed BG, lost the G at 8wks. My DS3 was born perfect and I do love him but... sometimes I look at him and think he is a girl. He looks like me as a baby. He has my blue eyes and my smile. I should have made him a girl dress for baptism instead of the blue sailor outfit. When I was painting my toe nails and he came up and stuck his toe next to mine I painted it without even looking at his face. I have even put a little hair ribbon in his hair but had to cut his hair so he could look more like a boy. There are many times I catch myself thinking the wrong one survived which is a horrible thought, because I cry just thinking about life without him. Even my husband once said that he wished "his" girl was here, "she" should be in this family photo, why would god give us a girl if only to take her away.

DS3 is now 19mths old and we still cry, think, and talk about the what if's... I want #4 to be a girl so we can think about other things, like the sunrise in Mexico with our 3B and 1G playing in the tide pools. Building a play house next to the Pirate Ship. Finally sewing something with the fabric my great grandma bought before she passed away (she was going to make me pjs). Giving my MIL her first biologically related girl that will never say "you are my fake grandma".

I only ever wanted one girl and that is all I ever ask for!