MommyAubs
January 7th, 2014, 07:41 PM
Hi ladies,
So I am new to this site, but not new to GD. I just found out on Thursday that we are expecting boy number three and I'm just broken. I'd like to give a little background to catch you ladies up to speed on my journey.
I had my first son very young (hubby and I were 18). We did want a girl, but we're still THRILLED to find out he was a boy. This was back in 2005. Three years later my mom died from ovarian cancer and it was an awful time. Of course my husband thought it would be a great time to have a baby and surprised me one night, which I was very excited about. I was SURE this would be my daughter and was so excited to have a bond with her like I did with my mom. I bought a baby girl outfit, and excitedly prepared for our elective scan.
We went, and heard "it's a boy". I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me, and cried on the way out, and for hours after. Then I was in denial until the anatomy scan, and it was like hearing it for the first time. I was in a very dark place, and kept wishing for something awful to just happen, so I didn't have to face having a boy I didn't want. My disappointment didn't end until he was born. He had the cord around his neck twice and didn't cry. They had to give him oxygen and didn't tell us anything. It felt like forever, but was really only a minute. I was instantly in love with this new little person and did not care what was between his legs.
He is now four years old and such a joy in my life. I love him so much and wouldn't trade him or his older brother for any girl. He does have high functioning autism which makes life a little bit challenging, but it makes him who he is. Of course, I feel that I contributed to his autism because of hoping for something bad to happen, but I try not to think that way.
I feel like I'm rambling, and sound like every other mother grieving because they don't have a certain gender, so I will try to make this next part quick. I felt that this little one was going to be a boy, and was really hoping I was wrong. I'm sad, angry, and just plain frustrated that I can't make this pain go away. I want to be HAPPY about this sweet little person. I'm trying so hard to be excited, and feel awful that I'm not. I used to talk to him all day every time I felt his little kicks and somersaults. Now, it's like I force myself to remind him he's loved and feel so GUILTY.
My husband wants a daughter as well, but doesn't show his disappointment if there is any. He tells me that I'm making it hard for him to be happy about our son, which makes me feel worse. I just want little Remington to get here now so I can move on! I want to be happy for the rest of this pregnancy just in case it is my last. We always talked about four kids, but I never imagined that I would have three boys....so now I'm not so sure. Anyway, thank you for listening....and I hope that everyone who is struggling finds peace.
So I am new to this site, but not new to GD. I just found out on Thursday that we are expecting boy number three and I'm just broken. I'd like to give a little background to catch you ladies up to speed on my journey.
I had my first son very young (hubby and I were 18). We did want a girl, but we're still THRILLED to find out he was a boy. This was back in 2005. Three years later my mom died from ovarian cancer and it was an awful time. Of course my husband thought it would be a great time to have a baby and surprised me one night, which I was very excited about. I was SURE this would be my daughter and was so excited to have a bond with her like I did with my mom. I bought a baby girl outfit, and excitedly prepared for our elective scan.
We went, and heard "it's a boy". I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me, and cried on the way out, and for hours after. Then I was in denial until the anatomy scan, and it was like hearing it for the first time. I was in a very dark place, and kept wishing for something awful to just happen, so I didn't have to face having a boy I didn't want. My disappointment didn't end until he was born. He had the cord around his neck twice and didn't cry. They had to give him oxygen and didn't tell us anything. It felt like forever, but was really only a minute. I was instantly in love with this new little person and did not care what was between his legs.
He is now four years old and such a joy in my life. I love him so much and wouldn't trade him or his older brother for any girl. He does have high functioning autism which makes life a little bit challenging, but it makes him who he is. Of course, I feel that I contributed to his autism because of hoping for something bad to happen, but I try not to think that way.
I feel like I'm rambling, and sound like every other mother grieving because they don't have a certain gender, so I will try to make this next part quick. I felt that this little one was going to be a boy, and was really hoping I was wrong. I'm sad, angry, and just plain frustrated that I can't make this pain go away. I want to be HAPPY about this sweet little person. I'm trying so hard to be excited, and feel awful that I'm not. I used to talk to him all day every time I felt his little kicks and somersaults. Now, it's like I force myself to remind him he's loved and feel so GUILTY.
My husband wants a daughter as well, but doesn't show his disappointment if there is any. He tells me that I'm making it hard for him to be happy about our son, which makes me feel worse. I just want little Remington to get here now so I can move on! I want to be happy for the rest of this pregnancy just in case it is my last. We always talked about four kids, but I never imagined that I would have three boys....so now I'm not so sure. Anyway, thank you for listening....and I hope that everyone who is struggling finds peace.