Wow. Thanks for the slap in the face.

[luxelover]

DH and I went to a birthday dinner last night for a friend we haven't seen in a while. He has a 6-year-old DD and twin 2-year-old DSs. The last time I was at their home I noticed that there were no pictures of the boys anywhere, but dozens of beautifully-framed shots of the girl. I just put it down to them not having time to get new photos taken etc. Anyway, last night this 'friend' said: 'It's a wonder my DD's little finger doesn't hurt as she has me wound around it so tightly. She's so perfect and wonderful'. I said: "That's lovely that you have a daddy's girl. I hope your wife gets at least one mama's boy to even things out" and he said: "She can have both of the boys! Who wants boys? They're dirty, smelly and destroy everything. You have two, you poor thing! I have my DD, thank God for that!"

I was floored. I have been working so hard on my GD - I'm totally smitten with my DS2 - and was in an OK place. To add insult to injury, the couple sitting opposite had a PP and were SO smug about it. "Of course we were done after two kids, we got it right the first time!" - I just felt lousy, and like a failure somehow.

It truly feels - where I live at least - that NOBODY wants boys. Girls are 1000% preferred and the pitying looks/comments when I take my two beautiful boys out are wearing very thin. I feel so sad that they have been born into a society that views them as second best from the moment they're conceived. Even the dads around here seem to openly favor DDs. Boys are definitely seen as the consolation prize : (

[hotdogz&boyz]

Wow. Just wow. That dude has issues. Serious ones.

A child is a child is a child. And psychology would suggest that his boys are "dirty, smelly, and destructive" because that is what is expected of them, said or unsaid. It's that whole "living up to what is expected, no matter good or bad." Surely if he was so open with people he hasn't seen in years, he is open with his children about this fact. Which is horrifying. I genuinely don't believe he deserves those beautiful twins.

I can't relate much about that area you are living in...because no one has EVER said anything to me about boys that was remotely negative. I do tend to send out "back the $&@/ off" signals and people don't usually say stuff that would pick a fight with me. I've never been known to hold my tongue. But I don't find anyone gives me pitying looks or sees my sons as less. But unfortunately, I do think our society has a way of objectifying girls, even from a very young age. We want girls because we can dress them up (collective "we" not meaning you or I in particular). We want them because they are delicate and "submissive" (aka: that whole girls sit and color and listen, boys run around stereotype). But I don't think it's really an accurate picture, just a delusional one.

I'm sorry they had that impact on you. That sucks to have the wind taken out of your sails.

[Boysway]

First of all, sending you huge hugs. They don't sound like such great people, sorry to say. FWIW, I love my girls to bits, I wouldn't change them for the world. However, all I have ever wanted was a little boy. When I found out DD#1 was a girl, quite honestly I cried. With each little girl I have had, I have longed for a little boy even more. This is our last chance at a boy. Again, I say I wouldn't change my girls but, I desperately want a baby boy, as does my Dh. Don't beat yourself up about these people. I am sure you are a wonderful parent. I send you all of my baby girl baby dust xx

[4BOYS]

That guy is a total dickhead does he want a doll or a child ?, lucky he dosnt have a daughter that was like me as a child ,believe me i wasnt sitting quiety , i was loud ,running around outside getting dirty, playing with my brothers , on their skateboards /bikes ,playing video games ,mum jokes how i was more full on than the boys combined ,DH and i both hope our future DD is like how i was.
I actually have friends with girls and boys and my boys and their boys have to lock themselves away in their room away from the girls to get peace and quiet , why do people stereotype ,drives me crazy !!

[Claire33]

I think I would have just gotten up and walked out of there! That is just a personal insult to the most important people in your life, your two children. My boys are calm and just as well-behaved as any girl out there. Idiot!

[Waiting4Daisy]

Aside from being an extremely insensitive comment to make to a boy mum, I would really worry about the psychological damage he is doing to all his children by putting his dd up on a pedestal and demeaning his twin boys like that. Tbh in my mind he has the perfect family so to speak with suck derision about his boys his horrifying.

I also never get negative comments on my boys but I always gush about how cute and funny they are (which is true) and tbh where I live it seems to be still 50/50, people want boys and girls equally but the pigeon pair is still seen as ideal. I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut hearing that about boys and would have given that person a piece of my mind. Only one of my boys is a rough and tumble dirt magnet, my older two boys are calm and sensitive and quiet. And my sweet little crazy ds3 is the most fun ever!!!

People like that are so ignorant. Don't let them get to you because their opinion is fundamentally worthless if they are such idiots. Feel sorry for his kids and be glad that you are able to raise some decent men who will not view their own little boys like that.

[deaks66]

Wow that really was a slap in the face and so unfair when you have been working in your gd so hard. I don't know where you live but it feels like it is similar here, boys are some kind of consolation prize. I think there was even a statistic printed in a national paper here that said the ideal family makeup was 2 girls! I mean who are these people??

[missmegrn]

People can be very ignorant and insensitive and a lot of times don't think before they speak. I feel sorry for those twins, because it truly seems like they are not wanted and are inferior to the girl. For those of us that have gd, it's hard to control the feelings and where and when they occur and ignorant comments like that really can set it off and put salt in a wound that was trying to heal. Shame on him for feeling this way about his sons and in general about boys as well.

For what its worth, my 2 dds are no where close to being proper princesses. They fight like cats and dogs. They can turn a clean house into a disaster at the drop of a hat. They can make messes that are so difficult to clean up, that it makes me want to scream sometimes. I teach them manners, right from wrong, but kids are kids. They will get dirty, make messes, and need multiple baths per day at times, but it doesn't mean you should love them any less or make them feel inferior. I hope and pray that one day I will have a ds, seems like he would fit right in.

[ocean]

Luxe I think we're in the same country and I know what you're saying where everyone just seems to prefer girls these days - at least on East and West coasts. Middle of the country is a bit more balanced, some areas even prefer boys. BUT I will say that I now see the looks I want to see - I smile at my kids and just don't watch other peoples' faces (though most are smiling I note). My mood directly determines what I see - if I'm feeling GD'd out, I see all the 2 or 3 girl families out there. If I'm content, I see everyone smiling at my downright beautiful children.

Yes, we may have a culture that has swung into a girl-preferring mode - and it has swung the other way in the past - but remember that OUR kids are OUR KIDS. These beliefs that are in our mind of what people prefer, they are simply less relevant when we really think about how much we love our kids. It's up to us to train ourselves to observe and challenge those thoughts when they arise.

To your dinner 'party', the problem with these callous and IGNORANT comments is that they floor you - with their hurtfulness and ridiculousness - and so a good comeback is never available when you need it. I agree w pp, one response is 'Wow that's surprising to hear from you, I guess it depends on the kids you get and how you raise them since my children are nothing like that.' And of course there are even more pointed things that could be said and also help end the dinner party. :)

Surround yourself with the people you want to be around. Period. Me, I wouldn't hang out with those people anymore - it's not worth it.

Also, that guy is REALLY strange to be talking about his own children like that. Let alone the worst stereotypes about boys which are so rarely actually seen....except maybe in his kids due to parenting failures!

Soon after I met my DH, before we were engaged, we went to dinner with friends. One of those 'friends' brought up something from DH's past that was designed to hurt me - an old relationship of his - and that was the last time we hung out with them. Good riddance to people who are either cruel or thoughtless, we have no time for them!

Really glad you came on here and posted this so we can tell you how ridiculous those people are. Something else in their lives must be really wrong if they're so unaware and over-proud of something they had no control over.

[GreaseMonkey]

Wow that man shouldn't have had kids :/ If I were his wife, I'd pack my stuff and leave!!! His poor DS's, they will grow up feeling unwanted from their dad :(

[Adia]

Unfortunately one of the only ways to control GD is to simply stay away from people and places that trigger it.

Any one who was your friend or truly cared about you would be sensitive to the fact that not everyone in the group has a boy and a girl and change the subject or do something else.

I always feel bad for kids whose parents are so biased against them for something completely beyond their control.

[TeacherMom]

Wow. I think little boys are so sweet. I also believe in Karma and I think this guy will experience it someday.

[Houseofblue]

^^^^What Ocean said. What she said is the exact response I would have! Btw I would love to have twins! Lucky!!

Also, something about this father's attitude is very weird...similar to when I hear mothers act like they hate their daughter(s) and gush over a son. I could be wrong, but in this situation it seems like the parents bonds with the opposite gender child because they view the same-sex child as competition. I know it sounds crazy but I've seen it in real life!! Ex) mothers who are jealous of their daughters' youth and beauty or fathers who are jealous of the attention their son gets from his wife, etc. It really happens. This doesn't strike me as a father just slightly preferring his daughter, which can be normal with the whole Daddy's Girl thing (same as Mama's Boys), because most parents who have a slight preference still show love and affections towards their other child(ren) and are proud of them. This man is acting resentful.

[ocean]

Unfortunately one of the only ways to control GD is to simply stay away from people and places that trigger it.

Any one who was your friend or truly cared about you would be sensitive to the fact that not everyone in the group has a boy and a girl and change the subject or do something else.


Hear hear! Completely agree with Adia

[luxelover]

Luxe I think we're in the same country and I know what you're saying where everyone just seems to prefer girls these days - at least on East and West coasts.

Yes, I am on the West coast - trust me, no one around these parts expresses any desire for a boy! They all want girls that they can dress up like dolls, they talk about how girls outperform boys in school... it's all about the show pony. I used to live in the UK and like a PP said, it is just as bad over there - if I ever look on the website 'Mumsnet' there are dozens of threads about how dreadful boys are and how much preferred DDs are over DSs - and it's not even a GD board!

I was very upset by this "friend" but TBH I shouldn't have been surprised. As I mentioned, their house is covered with model-like shots of their DD, and there are literally none of the boys. The mom is just as bad as the dad with her overt preference for the girl (even though she is a very bratty and entitled child, TBH - she made my DS1 cry by snatching a toy from him, and she is 3 years older than he is!) This mom is always saying how pretty, clever, amazing "my girl" is, and she refers to the twins as the "brutes". Her DDs bedroom is like a pink palace, with a custom-made princess bed... the boys room is pretty plain and undecorated (she claims they would destroy anything nice). It's clear that she wanted a second DD and was obviously unhappy to have twin DSs... two years on and the disappointment has stuck for both parents.

Sigh. It took me back to the day that I took my beautiful boys to the park. The DH of an acquaintance of mine came over to me and started cooing over DS2, who was only a few months old. "She's so beautiful!", he said. When I said: "Thank you! But baby's a "he"!, this guy looked horrified. "I'm so sorry for you!", he said. "I thought you had a girl. Two boys? Wow. Just wow. Unlucky". He shook his head and walked off!
I had walked into that park SO proud of my lovely boys, and then I just wanted to slink off in tears.

Another mom at my DS1's preschool is newly pregnant. She has a DS and she told me - quite openly - that she cried for 2 weeks straight when she found out that he was a boy, even though he was her first child. She has said that she will be "devastated" if her new baby is a second son. Another mom is having her third DD (no DSs)... everyone is telling her how lucky she is, how well she'll be looked after in her old age, how amazing to have three princesses - UGH! What's with all the boy hate all of a sudden? What did my DSs do to deserve this? My DS1 is super sensitive, a rule follower and total sweetheart who takes his "baby" everywhere with him, changes his diaper, feeds him, tells me he loves me 1000 times a day.... and yet he's judged as a lesser being because he has a penis??? Sorry, but it makes me sad and mad :sad:

[zibibbogirl]

Where I live there is still a slight preference for boys, particularly having a boy first in the family and then a girl after. I must admit (before I knew anything about gender desire) that I was pretty happy when I had a boy first. I thought I was on my way to a pigeon pair. I got a huge shock when DS2 wasn't a girl because I thought that was how it was "supposed to happen".

Maybe I have been given another couple of boys so that I could realise that there is no one best family structure and that the pigeon pair is not the be all and end all. Each is unique and wonderful and has its own pros and cons. That poor moron and his wife will never have the opportunity to find that out.

I feel sorry for the kids. On one hand the boys for being overlooked, but also the girl. I can guarantee she won't have anything to do with her parents when she is older because they are smothering her and placing unrealistic expectations on her already. She is probably dying to be herself and just fit in with the rest of the kids instead of being put up on some ridiculous pedestal. What a shame that the people who have been given these lovely gifts have made such a mess of it.

I am a lot like some of the other ladies, I must have a *&^%* off look about me because nobody says anything to me about boys V girls. I am waiting for it but it does not happen. And for those ladies who also have that look about them, it is called resting bitchy face. Google it. LOL.

[trifecta]

Wow, I know that must have been really tough to sit through but just be glad you are that guy's friend and not one of his sons! For those poor little guys to be subjected to that man's diseased mind is very sad. We are all lucky to have our children, no matter the sex. Good luck to his daughter, too--it isn't healthy for a parent to put you on a pedestal. They're doing her a disservice as well. That man in unfit to parent any children.

[motherofboys]

Huge hugs to you. I have a very smug friend with the PP who loves to say "you're the only one of us without a girl now" and when she came to visit DS4 after he was born, pointed out yet again how I don't have a girl, and then proceeded to tell me I shouldn't have any more babies and that DS4 wanted to stay 'the baby'. As if its any of her business.

[Houseofblue]

Wow!!! Can't believe all the boy hate.... with a few exceptions in the past, I have never gotten anything but praise and admiration about having boys! And I'm on the east coast in the U.S. I actually think it was worse with DS1, everyone and their uncle wanted him to be a girl, but now after 3 (and dare I say gorgeous lol) boys, all I get is "ohhh soooo cute!!!" and "are they TWINS?" about my youngest 2 with a smile, etc. I have come full circle, with DS1 I felt almost embarrassed to be a boy mom and now I am so incredibly proud. Even comments like "wow you must have your hands full!" don't hurt me like they used to, I'm like "yep, but they are so much fun!" and people just feed off of my positivity. That said, I still VERY much want a dd to add to our family, which is why I'm here. ;)
I'm so sorry about the horrible negativity some of you guys have encountered!! :(

[hotdogz&boyz]

^^Maybe the east coast is better? Cause I certainly would turn fifteen shades of pissed off if someone made those comments to me. My DS2 would get called a girl constantly. He is blonde with long eyelashes and huge brown eyes. And dimples (it's the dimples, I swear!) And when I would correct people, I'd always say "I know HE is adorable/beautiful, he just wins me over me that smile/those eyes/et" and no one once came back with anything negative. In fact, some even went on after that to comment on how neat it was to have two boys who looked so different (my oldest is more classic boy-looking, of course he is handsome too, just in a totally different way! They don't look remotely related). I have lots of friends who have multiple boys (I know three closely who have 3-4 boys and no girls) and other than the random FB comment (one poor mom got "permission" the day her third son was born to have a fourth to have a girl...I woulda gone off on that person. It was on the thread announcing their sons birth. He was a team green.), no one says rude things about boys. I'd have a flip fit if I lived on the west coast. My guys are cool critters and no one better tell me otherwise!!

[3boys531]

What an absolute dick of a man. Who speaks like that when he himself has sons. He sounds very strange and a bit obsessive over his daughter. I find it really annoying when people say they have the perfect family when they have a boy and a girl. I think having 2 of the same is wonderful for the kids. Most boys want a brother and girls want a sister so to who is it perfect for. A perfect family is a happy one no matter what the makeup.

Stupid people are not worth been around. I would never want to see that person again and I would still be stewing over it because it's just the most thoughtless thing anyone could say. I have distanced myself from a friend that always has digs at me for not having a girl. Can't handle it anymore.

Arhhhh what an asshole he has me angry and I don't know him from a bar of soap.

Send an email to his wife and say you know what I have been thinking about dinner the other night and what your dumb ass husband said has really pissed me off. My kids are not smelly, dirty or any of the things he said.

I think there is some deep lying issue with this idiot.

[3boys531]

Just to add is his wife an idiot as well.

[sbowman]

I probably would've said something like, Well bad behavior is probably from your bad parenting. Haha. And then leave. Who has time for people like that?


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[Houseofblue]

3boys & hotdogsz are both right...I would not be able to let this rest, it would eat me up inside. I say you write the jerk or his wife and say what 3boys said...and I would also add how incredibly happy you are with your boys and how much they complete your life. DON'T let them know you want a girl, it gives them power over you to hurt you.
Then, stay away!! Don't give them the opportunity to hurt you or your boys. They WANT the opportunity to do that, people like this feed off of this kind of stuff. They are parasites.

[iluvmy4sons]

My boys don't destroy anything and I have 4. It has to do with parenting. I am on the East coast. I heard a few comments, but not that bad. Here I notice before and even after I had my daughter there are many people with 3 kids of the same sex. I feel so sorry for those twin boys. They better change there tune quick or those boys are going to have psychological issues.

[RedCanoe]

Comments like that have nothing to do with you and your boys, so don't waste another second taking it personally! Whenever someone makes comments like that it just makes me feel sorry for them and especially for their children. How miserable for them to have that attitude towards their own kids and how miserable for those kids, both the boys AND the girl, to be raised by parents with that kind of attitude.

[lisvna]

Uhm so basically he was talking about himself? In his childhood he was a boy too right? How stupid some people.....

Really they have no brain and basically they insolt you but also all the families who have boys. I wouldn't waist my time with them for sure! You deserve real friends who loves and respects you and your family.

[SamS_TTCPink]

OMG! I can't believe a Dad would say that about his own children! :worry:

I know how you feel though about people thinking boys are second best to girls. When we found out our kids were boys, even family members were cross with us, my mum even saying, "you could have at least gotten pregnant with girls". And we always get "oh, you poor things" when we tell people we have six boys.

As much as we want a girl to add to our family, I don't see my boys as second prize and love them all to bits! They're cuddly, affectionate and gorgeous! All kids are messy and noisy! They're kids!! ;)

Sending you some blue baby dust! xx

[motherofboys]

You know what as much as it would eat at me, I wouldn't say anything for fear of coming across as protesting too much. I was recently sat at a table at the coffee morning our church runs, with 4 other mums, all of which have 1 daughter and all had the same opinion. Now they have their girl it would be nice to have a boy but if they had a second girl they wouldn't mind, but if they'd have had a boy first they would have been desperate for a girl. I didn't say a word. I was angry with myself after that I hadn't stuck up for myself but I also thought that if I had said it they'd have thought I was covering and that I really did want a girl.
It does upset me though that such value is placed on girls and I almost don't want a girl because people will say "you got your girl at last you can stop now" and devalue my boys as if they are second best, and only here because I failed to get a girl.

I know that there are lots of mums on here who really want boys and that get the same response to all girls as we do to all boys. But my experience has been that a good deal of women find it easier to accept all girls than all boys.
I must say though that I'm happy with my boys, I always wanted a couple of boys first.


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[Rosie85]

I agree with you that all girls is more widely accepted than all boys. I see it all the time.

I can't believe I haven't seen this post til now. Even though it's months later I just wanted to say what a dick that dad is. I feel just awful for those boys.

These children should never be the target of anger or resentment. It isn't their faults! I want a girl so very very badly but if I have a fourth boy...I will love him. I will cry and scream over the loss of never having a daughter but it isn't his fault and I will NEVER resent him or love him any less. All these children did was be born and all they ask is to be loved. I don't understand how that is hard for some people. If you can't handle not getting what you want, exactly how you want it then maybe you shouldn't have kids.

[Mrs_Incredible]

Well said Rosie xx

[luckylass]

Have to say this post really upset me. I have two boys and they really are mama's boys and I truly adore them both. They are kind, considerate, gentle, loud, funny and rough all rolled into one, as is my daughter. I always considered myself a boy mum and before I ever had kids envied mums of 2,3,4 boys etc. I love my daughter every bit as much as them as every one of my children are unique and special and I hate to see children stereotyped because they don't fit into the greater plan. Just for the record that man ( I use the word loosely) would hate my little girl. She is generally in playing with the boys cars and toys or mucky in the garden with them. She wouldn't fit his stereotype. God he is an ass.

[Princess of Pink]

I get horrible comments all the time about girls being so horrible and much harder to raise. Honestly with 5 of the same gender I know with 100% certainty that it is not gender but personality and how children are raised! I have perfect angel daughters and loud messy wrecking ball daughters....but they are all respectful and well behaved because I raised them that way....not because of what bits are in their underwear!! Having a certain gender doesn't guarantee you will get the stereotype little person. I have a daughter who hates pink and girlie anything! She would rather play football and go camping.

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