last child, if our hardcore sway fails and we have ds3 how would i feel?

[Doublechoc]

hi ladies, i'd like to get your thoughts on this if you don't mind as i'm struggling a little and would like to find out if any ladies here had a failed sway with their last child and how life is now?

i'm 40 and having been through HT unsuccessfully 3 times for our last child, we have 2 ds's, love them to bits but would dearly love a dd. We did HT because i didn't think i could handle another ds, even went into therapy after our 2nd failed attempt to help me understand my obsession... had my childhood pulled apart, lots of tears, but i'm okay, i'm not a nutter!!

So we are currently swaying, 3rd attempt we fell pregnant but sadly had a chemical over the weekend (extra hormonal right now i admit) clearblue digi's all pregnant then a week later bleeding and not pregnant! life can be so cruel :sad: i am logical, knew the risks, during our HT journey i was kindly told how bad our embryos were, trisomy 21, 18, turners ..... so when we fell we were cautious but still couldn't help thinking into the future as you do... its going to be more miss than hit at my age, i am ready to toughen up but i am starting to get cold feet. i started back on the diet this week hoping to attempt july and deep down i'm worried that if i get that far, how would i feel if our sway failed? i'm sure we would love the little boy dearly, that is a given but going back to the baby stage, rewinding our lives and still having that missing person feeling, how will it be??...

if i feel like this now should i really be swaying? they say only sway if you can handle a failed sway, but honestly how do you know how you would really feel until it happens?? will i become that woman who puts on a fake smile pretending i always wanted 3 boys, that life is great when inside i feel that overwhelming emptiness and feelings of failure. A 3rd child will definitely change the dynamics in our family, bigger car, less sleep, more expenses, more juggling, more noise... i don't know if i'm ready for that if it was another boy... i feel so sad and such a bitch just saying that... but i am bottom line feeling the fear!!

any thoughts, experiences or advise much appreciated. thank you, feel free to be blunt.. i need to hear it :think:

[nuthinbutpink]

I think your concerns are completely valid. I am going to assume adoption is out then?

It's hard because you can't have a DD if you don't try but you could end up with DS number 3. I think you will be sad initially and you would have to work through that but unless you are open to adoption, there are just no guarantees.

I wish you luck and I am sorry that HT did not work out. You could try donor eggs too!

[Doublechoc]

hi nuthinbutpinkthanks for your reply, good to know i'm not crazy! yes we have thought of adoption, did some research earlier this year buts it going to be hard ecause we are a mixed race (is that still a pc term?) couple and babies of my ethnic group do not often come up, but they might, other option is overseas adoption which we have considered... donor eggs again difficult to find of my ethnic group.

i used to be on ig, so remember you from the HT boards, i see you have 3 girls, do you mind me asking if you swayed for any of them? what would you have done if you didn't get your HT ds? just interested to in the wwyd scenarios...

thanks again

[rainbowflower]

aww I wish I had some magic answers for you... only you can decide what you will regret more - giving it everything and possibly not conceiving at all (since most things swaying pink reduce fertility) or possibly conceiving another DS but knowing that you gave it your best shot, or to not try and sway and not risk the disappointment if you get a DS

feeling this way does NOT make you a horrible person - you have dreams for the DD you long for, if you don't have her you will grieve her

[nuthinbutpink]

hi nuthinbutpinkthanks for your reply, good to know i'm not crazy! yes we have thought of adoption, did some research earlier this year buts it going to be hard ecause we are a mixed race (is that still a pc term?) couple and babies of my ethnic group do not often come up, but they might, other option is overseas adoption which we have considered... donor eggs again difficult to find of my ethnic group.

i used to be on ig, so remember you from the HT boards, i see you have 3 girls, do you mind me asking if you swayed for any of them? what would you have done if you didn't get your HT ds? just interested to in the wwyd scenarios...

thanks again

It's a great question. When I first thought HT didn't work(after my fresh BFN) and didn't really have hope for the FET, I had a moment where I thought I would cycle again and it can be very addicting that way. I had told my DH to just give me one try so I can get it out of my system and that is all he had agreed to.

After my first cycle which was cancelled due to no response, we did try swaying 2 months and I did not get pregnant. I kind of freaked out thinking that it might have worked and I realized that I just couldn't do that again so for me, the 3 girls would have been it. I don't think I would have tried again but it is hard to say.

I am glad we had 3 kids. I would try and have 3 kids no matter what. 3 to 4 was too much for me if they were all the same gender. I had a friend once tell me that she did not like hanging out with her DS' family at the holidays- not because she doesn't like them, she actually really likes his parents, but that it was very boring because he just had one brother and he was a little flaky so if he decided not to show up at family gatherings, it would just be she and her DH and their kids with his parents and she is one of 4 kids so she was not used to that at all.

So, no matter the gender, I would choose to have 3 kids no matter what. I am one of several and I cannot imagine only 2 kids. It is a lot of fun with a bunch of us at holidays, family gatherings, etc and I would not change that for the world.

Good things come in three's, right?!

[Doublechoc]

I am glad we had 3 kids. I would try and have 3 kids no matter what. 3 to 4 was too much for me if they were all the same gender. I had a friend once tell me that she did not like hanging out with her DS' family at the holidays- not because she doesn't like them, she actually really likes his parents, but that it was very boring because he just had one brother and he was a little flaky so if he decided not to show up at family gatherings, it would just be she and her DS and their kids with his parents and she is one of 4 kids so she was not used to that at all.

So, no matter the gender, I would choose to have 3 kids no matter what. I am one of several and I cannot imagine only 2 kids. It is a lot of fun with a bunch of us at holidays, family gatherings, etc and I would not change that for the world.

Good things come in three's, right?!

and a fantastic reply back thank you! gosh i totally see where you are coming from, my dh thinks that 3 is the magic number!! i've always envisioned 3 kids and since we became 4 I have always felt that there should be another someone around our dining room table... now my body just has to work!

[zanacal]

I'm so sorry for your loss x

In all honesty, if we had 3 children of mixed gender then there's no way we'd be trying for another. I love having 3 children and, in fact, I love having 3 boys (I know that's the complete opposite of what I've just said!). Our house is certainly noisy and crazy and we're late for everything but we're happy and the boys are very close - they don't try to kill each other that often :D I'm quite resigned to having a fourth boy and although what I want most of all is a little girl I'll accept that I'm only to be a boy mum if I do all that I can to sway pink and still don't succeed. I will certainly be sad to never have a daughter but I'll know we tried. I think I'm going to be busy in 20 years with lots of grandchildren - DS1 tells me he'll have 4 kids and DS2 is going to have 10! I guess they like big families too :D

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I have 3 girls. After my 2nd girl, I was completely obsessed that I felt I wanted to birth like go- intended. With #2, I tried a Vaginal Birth after cesarean and it failed at the end. So something I was not able to let go was to birth. I wanted to feel that I did not want to live the rest of my life with only c-sections. I also had baby fever and I missed a baby. So I said I will try another VBAC and I will try to sway for a boy. I had hope that swaying would help me. I had a 3rd girl and I VBACed. It was amazing more than anything in life can put a price on. My dream came true. I delivered her vaginally.

What do you think happened after that, I went back on ingender and I was so upset over the gender. Even the entire pregnancy I was inside a lot very depressed. But after 3 of the same, I would only have #4 if it were a boy. I would give HT a try and if it does not work, hope I can make peace with "at least I tried". But I would NOT have a 4th girl.

Jealousy is hard when you have 3 of the same and friends or family you find out are having #3 or #2 being the opposite gender of what they have. Comments that people will make are very hurtful. Realizing how it is out there with those comments had me sheltered very long. I just started to go out more now and the baby is 1 year old. It weakens you if you cannot handle it. I also put on that smile and say how happy we are with 3 of the same. What else can you do? But it tears me apart inside.

Sorry for rambling. I am so tired.

Good luck.

Make sure you can handle another of the same gender.

[Azuremyst]

Wow congrats on your VBA2C, sometimes I just want another to get that vaginal birth. I had a 10lb. 3oz. baby girl on 4/7/11 so c-section it was. It took several weeks to heal emotionally, the scar healed up fast no problem. My scar is on the inside. I think im really ok now, she's 2 months old and im moving on from it.

GL OP!

[SugarSpice&EverythingNice]

I could have written your post, and I actually wrote something very similar on this forum a day or so ago. Honestly, if I sway hard and brace myself that it could be a boy or a girl. I have to realize that its like 50/50 what you get (yeah I know swaying increases the odds).....but if I got DS3.....I would cry. A lot. And then I would make sure to start saving for HT. I would be one of "those" people who keep trying for a DD (a mom with like 50 boys haha)

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I think, IFFF I can't handle another boy, then MAYBE i shouldn't even try to get pregnant, because there is a 50/50 chance I will get another boy.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

Wow congrats on your VBA2C, sometimes I just want another to get that vaginal birth. I had a 10lb. 3oz. baby girl on 4/7/11 so c-section it was. It took several weeks to heal emotionally, the scar healed up fast no problem. My scar is on the inside. I think im really ok now, she's 2 months old and im moving on from it.

GL OP!

I hope that you have a smoothe recovery.

I should have added on my post that for some cesareans are fine and they are not so upset over them.

If I had another baby, and I need a c-section, then I will definately get one. Sometimes you do need them.

But I guess the birth helped me a little. I did not think I would have still dwelled on the gender.

I only wanted 2 children but then with trying for a boy and having baby fever and the whole vbac thing now I have 3 and want to try HT for a 4th.

Good luck to the person who originally wrote the poster.

I am sorry if I got off the topic. Just was trying to explain my experience.

[CapricornAquarius]

DChoc, I totally feel the same as you, but Im the opposite, I have 2 girls and so desparately want my third and last child to be a boy.

I think just knowing that I have tried everything possible to sway for a boy would ease the gd if I end up with another girl, I hope so anyway. We are going to try next month Ive been on the boy diet & supps for the past 4months, I feel Im ready, its now or never :nails:

Goodluck:ttcgirl:

[desperate_for_boy]

5000 yrs old ancient ayurvedic treatment increases Y count of sperms and increases it's speed and makes them dominant so chances of boy are very high. secondly it may sound weird but even if x goes inside egg a boy can emerge if some herbal medicine taken in 40th day of pregnancy.. pl research more on this and other members comments expected

[desperate_for_boy]

have faith in god and keep trying

[TexasMommy]

I found out last week that im expecting baby girl #3. I wanted a boy SO SO bad. When my husband & I left the u/s, I got in the car & cried for a long time. It wasnt the fact that the baby was a girl but the fact that I will never experience a son, because when we started TTC #3 hubby said no matter the gender, he didnt want a 4th. Now that we know this one is a girl he still says he doesnt want a 4th, he says he is perfectly happy with 3 little girls. So ive been dealing with the idea of THREE girls. Everyone tells you "well, youll have to try again for that boy!" but in reality we cant just keep trying bc we dont get the gender we want. Ive seen women with 5 or 6 of the same gender. My MIL had 4 boys. But then you see people out there that have 2 babies & get a boy & a girl. It seems so simple. But its not. I love my little girls, I wouldnt trade them & I know once our new baby girl arrives ill wonder how I ever lived without her. If you feel you want another baby, then try, but just be okay with knowing it could be a boy. If you just dont want another boy, I personally wouldnt have another. But its all up to how you & your hubby feel. Good luck!

[pinkdreamer]

Totally understand how you feel and you have put it so well. I'm not sure how I would get past my feelings of emptiness if I didn't have a DD, I think they'd always be there and I'd always wonder what if...

I'm thinking of going HT if our next sway doesn't work, but then again that is still not 100% that it'll catch. I'm the kind of person that can't rest until I know 100% what an outcome will be and feel like I'm stuck in limbo right now until we can TTC again (in 2 years) I sometimes wish I was more laid back and didn't care so much about these things!! I don't like the 50/50 odds of TTC one bit!!

[wilma_five]

Hard one, If I knew that I was going to have 5 boys I would have stopped after 2 and save my money for HT.

[CapricornAquarius]

Im actually starting to reconsider the whole gender swaying idea because women have done hard core gender sways and still end up with the undesired gender. I really dont like the idea of a 50/50 shot it scares me to death.

So I really think I shouldn't try for another child cause I know I will be so so upset if I end up with another girl.

In saying that what does HT stand for??

DD1 :ballerina: DD2 :giggle:

[shouldihope?]

HT = high tech

[begonia]

Im actually starting to reconsider the whole gender swaying idea because women have done hard core gender sways and still end up with the undesired gender. I really dont like the idea of a 50/50 shot it scares me to death.

So I really think I shouldn't try for another child cause I know I will be so so upset if I end up with another girl.

In saying that what does HT stand for??

DD1 :ballerina: DD2 :giggle:

CA, it's a tough decision. I can say that you can sway super hard and obviously still not get DG; I know for a fact my sway did "work" in terms of changing my body. My cycle changed in several ways it had never done before (spotting, early O, AF changed) acne, facial/body hair, etc. I had more big O's than I've ever had in my life, that I won't complain about, LOL. So it "worked" in that aspect, I know my efforts did something, but I still got DD3. And it was and is hard to accept.

BUT..... I have wanted three kids for a long, long time. So even if I had known before TTC that this would be DD3, while I woulda kinda wished I could change that, I still would have gotten pregnant. Just as much as I wanted the experience of raising a son, I wanted the experience of raising 3 kids. Lucky me I do get one of those experiences! Can't have it all :) So anyhow... I kick around the idea of going for #4 but at this point that REALLY would be about trying to have a son, and that's where I can say confidently (unless that changes and I'd be happy with DD4) I should NOT have a 4th.

Just my 2 cents on the sway-or-not thing, hope you can come to a place where you find peace about your decision either way.