Big Families - How do you deal with all the comments?

[NCBeachyGrl]

I am super sensitive about the things people say. I try hard not too, but I just can't help it. We decided to tell family about our oops and these are the things I have heard just from today:


Are ya'll trying to start a reality TV show?
I'm going to get you a gift certificate to family planning
Every time I talk to your mother, she tells me you are pregnant


I know that the idea of 4 kids is very daunting to most ppl, so I get it. BUT, these comments just really make me mad and then to hear all the boy comments on top, really get to me. I know there are many, many more comments to come and I just need a pep talk so I can get through it all!

[nuthinbutpink]

I understand not "liking" the comments but you can only control your reaction to them. Why do they bother you? Is there any truth to any of them? Probably not, so just let them roll off and find a way to respond with some humor.

4 kids is a lot! I live with them. We are a crowd but I don't care. I just handle most comments with a smile. I really don't care what other people think of my family because it is MY family.

I would stop telling people it was an oops if you are doing that. That's not going to help matters with the comments.

Be confident. Having 4 kids doesn't make you a freak show, it just means you have a large family! There are worse things in life but people will comment about ANYTHING so if not this, something else. That's what people do so you are going to have to find it in yourself to not care and just live your life!

[Adia]

I think you should say "DH and I just love having sex! What can I say??" That should make them blush and change the subject!

I agree with NBP, don't mention the oops factor if you don't want a negative reaction, only tell people you trust to be happy for you or who like lots of kids too!

[coocoobananas]

I'm the same way NC! And great advice nbp. I hope by the time I hit 12 weeks when I will start telling people that I will 'own' this! I've told my closest family members and they were shocked! My mom now says my dad and her are secretly excited:) I've been so sick though but no one has checked in with me like they usually do I assume because it's the 4th time and it's old news:(
I was dissapointed but not surprised that my brother said 'they know how to prevent that right?' Easy for him to say with his pigeon pair! I was hoping my aunt who had 4 would be super excited but she pointed out how she did it in 3 shots. She had b-g then b/g twins, how nice (eye roll) she started saying how we would need to move and blah blah and started making me stress over things I wasn't even thinking of!
So of course thinking my family would be the most supportive of everyone I'm not looking forward to telling the world.
I'm probably going to say something like 'yes this is was as much a shock as it is to you' but of course we're thrilled and then I was going to ask for nice comments only and almost put the comments out for them (this would be on Facebook) like 'yes, we know how to prevent this', 'no we were not trying for a girl' ( and I can honestly say that this time lol)
'Yes we will have our hands full' etc. but again I almost hope I will just announce it like all my others with great excitement and confidence. It's just hard when 4 wasn't really our plan, hard to really own it yah know?

...not sure if there's any advice in there, just obviously can relate;)

[Lucky-happy-blessed]

We get a lot of comments, we mostly get 'don't you have a TV?' Or 'are you going for a football team' or 'have you figured out whats causing it yet'

Usually we just laugh it off, especially if the person seems nice. But if they are a bit snarky with it the gloves are off:wink:

So to the last person who said the TV thing my DH told them that yes, we do have one we just prefer loads and loads of sex:bigsmile: that soon shut them up!

[hotdogz&boyz]

Just own it :) Say..."we always wanted lots of kids! We are thrilled!" I think it's worked the best for us. People always make rude or weird comments when we tell them that we are having another (down the road). We have gotten many of the same you have. Thankfully, mostly from people who don't matter, since my family is totally supportive of us having as many as we want. But we have gotten some super odd comments (the quiver full one confused me!) and I mostly just smile and say "we are just lucky enough to be able to physically, emotionally, and financially have (insert number here) kids! Heck, I figure I am getting better at it each time!" And that usually keeps them quiet. Because to negate that would make it sound like I was doing a crappy job ;)

I, too, wouldn't make it known that the baby wasn't planned. Only because people seem to make particularly rude comments to that knowledge. Although I think coocoos response is pretty good (about being as shocked as the person you are telling). But it's none of their business how the baby came about and it doesn't really matter, in the end. You *could* have been planning another, so that is enough.

But I find positivity and even a nicely timed comment about how you "couldnt imagine 'only' having two" can go a long way toward keeping the rude comments at bay.

(Repeat all this back to me in 6-9 months when the comments start coming in for us! Lol)

[Abifasc]

I'm the oldest of 8 so your family does not seem big to me. Eventually you'll get used to the constant comments because they're always the same. You can try to come up with funny comebacks, but try to let them roll of your back- you know the joy your family has and they don't!

[Princess of Pink]

I prefer to embarrass people. I get the "Don't you own a TV?" all the time...I reply with "Yes we do...we just really like watching porn"....that shuts them up!!

[NCBeachyGrl]

You guys are so right that owning it makes all the difference. I was kind of opening the door to negativity and didn't realize it. Now I just say that we wanted a 4th, happened a little sooner than we expected, and that we are super excited about it. Nothing else for people to say!

This IS my family and it is perfect so I'm not going to let anyone try to bring me down.

[Hobbermittens]

People are scared of what they don't know, and since the "norm" these days seems to be 2 kids per family, 4 kids does seem daunting to some people. I can't even count the amount of times a day that I hear, "You've got your hands full!!" the one I detest is, "You know how that happens, right?" Like I don't know anything about birth control. One day, I was getting my kids out of the car at the grocery store (plus I had the boy I babysit, so I had 5 kids with me total) and this old woman in the parking lot looked at me, her jaw dropped, and she pointed her finger towards us, counting the children. I could see the look of horror on her face as she stared at us the entire way into the store.

But you know what? 4 kids is fun (and a lot of work). My kids like to play together and mostly get along pretty well. I think a busy, energetic household is better than a quiet one. SO when people say rude things (or even comments that aren't meant to be rude, but might offend me if I were more sensitive), I just smile and answer cheerfully, something positive most of the time. Don't let the comments get you down. Those people aren't raising your kids, and their opinion is just that--an OPINION. Stay strong! You will love having a big family. :)

[Rosie85]

When people give me the you got your hands full comment I always reply with better than empty. :cool:

[Dreamofpink]

When people give me the you got your hands full comment I always reply with better than empty. :cool:

Grrr, I hate that comment! I use the same reply as you, which shuts them up. Seems people just comment for the sake of it!

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[hotdogz&boyz]

I usually say: "I sure do! It's great!" I think that response confuses people, so no one has ever continued talking after that! Lol.

I can't wait to have our next baby. (I mean, I can, we aren't quite ready). I love the noise and chaos and joy that all the kids bring. I knew from a very young age that I was made for big family life. In fact, I brought up five with dh. He isn't keen, but I would be if he said yes!

[atomic sagebrush]

It's so weird because I don't even think 4 is a big family. It's a medium size family. It's like the idea of a medium size family has vanished and now there is only "normal" and "Duggar" :think:

Everyone already thought we were crazy so it was just another thing to me. When we had our 3rd after a big age gap no one believed that it was planned (he was really the most planned of any of them) and would basically call me a liar to my face. I had people tell me "time to be done" after I had DS 4. Plus all the "you know what causes that, right" and all the rest of it.

The only thing that really does bug me any more is when people hear we have 4 boys and then look right at Suzy's face and say "I feel sorry for you." The boys are very sweet to her (and honestly she's hell on wheels anyway and can take care of herself even when they roughhouse) and it just really annoys me.

[atomic sagebrush]

OMG Hobber what a B---!!!

I haven't had occasion to use this yet but I have some relatives that are kinda anti-overpopulation, humans are "a plague" and not having kids "for the planet" and my response is that our carbon footprint is still smaller than theirs. And it is too, because we don't go anywhere or do anything and we reuse crap till it falls apart because we have no money, whereas they are the most conspicuous consumers there are!!!

[Mrsandmama]

When people give me the you got your hands full comment I always reply with better than empty. :cool:

Haha love this!

[user2404]

I myself am the only child of my parents and to be honest ladies i think you all are really lucky to have ue families. Nothing more exciting to have more than 1 brother / sister. Xxxx

[dreaminginblue]

When people give me the you got your hands full comment I always reply with better than empty. :cool:

I get this with two! Goodness knows what they'll be when I have the third

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[atomic sagebrush]

I myself am the only child of my parents and to be honest ladies i think you all are really lucky to have ue families. Nothing more exciting to have more than 1 brother / sister. Xxxx

this was me too, I was the only kid of my mom and dad and while they both went onto have other kids with new partners, it was when I was 11 and 13. I HATED being an only child and still do (and not to take away from anyone who chooses to have an only or enjoyed it, I just really really didn't for a variety of reasons). I'm sure that's why I always wanted a bigger family.

[Boysway]

I have a stepbrother (although, I prefer to just say brother) that I saw just about every second weekend. Other than that, I am an only child. I always wanted four kids. I get comments now about my hands being full. It doesn't really worry me. People will say what they want to say. I think I can brush it off a little more because I have felt the pain of comments from ignorant people (including some family members) after my little angel passed away.

What will be interesting is when we have another bub, lol.

[WantingPink]

This thread has really help me prepare!! I am trying to accept that we are having a 4th. I can just hear it now from my Dad's wife (who I don't get along with) saying something super stupid. When we told her we were having a third she said "you know they make a pill for that"... this coming from the woman who had an unplanned pregnancy when she was 20 and had to drop out of college. So rude!! Plus this is an oops pregnancy big time but don't think I will tell anyone that. So many people have asked me "so now that you have a girl are you done"? My response has always been "yes for now but you never know"...

[ocean]

When people give me the you got your hands full comment I always reply with better than empty. :cool:

As I get this comment now with 'only' two kids - I'm trying to imprint this FANTASTIC answer into my brain so I can use it the next time!

It reminds people in a second to just be thankful. Or at least stay silent.

[lovinmyboys]

It's interesting... we live in a very wealthy area outside of Washington DC and are seeing a major trend in larger families (3-5 kids). It's a status symbol! Like the pp said, own it. You will never be bored. You will never be lonely. You will always have each other and your home will be filled with love and laughter. Who wouldn't want that?!?!

I like the idea of coming up with something funny that embarrasses the other person. My friend is one of 3 girls. Her mother used to joke, "My husband doesn't make boys." If I do conceive a boy and hear the negative comments, my response will be, "My husband is really macho. He doesn't make girls." (p.s- I obv don't think this is true but what can a girl do but get defensive?!??).

Good luck and congratulations!

[lovinmyboys]

Whoops, sorry WantingPink. Didn't realize you had a girl in the mix. Still, the large family stuff rings true. Congratulations!

[SamS_TTCPink]

We get these comments and looks and disbelief ALL the time. I hate going out with all the kids cause everyone stares and points and counts. It's horrible and the kids hate it too. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it's uncomfortable when everyone is staring and pointing or stopping you in the shops to say something stupid! The amount of times we have heard the "haven't you got a TV" and "don't you know what causes it" questions are ridiculous.

Even today, a lady came up to me at the preschool (they never talk to me and she was just trying to sell me party plan products) but I only had 2 of the kids with me. She was talking to me assuming they were our only two kids and when I said "we actually have six" she actually turned around and yelled out to the other mums, "this woman has six children" so I was bombarded with stupid comments and looks of disbelief.

My family are even worse and are so nasty when we tell them I am pregnant, so much so that I hid my last pregnancy for 7 months before we told them, and then I told them via text message (they live down the road) :(

We also have no friends because everyone has 1-2 children and look down on us, and we don't get invited to any family get togethers either. They also all "judge" us because we never have any money and so we "shouldn't have had so many children, and then given 1 or 2 a "better" life" - mind you we have no money cause we choose to send them to private schools and they all play sport and are spoilt at birthdays, Christmas and everything else!

I am dreading what we're going to cop when we do fall pregnant and it comes time to have to tell people, but I know it's what we want, our family is happy and noisy and lots of work, but it's our family and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

On a brighter note, we went out to dinner while we were away and although the whole restaurant stared and pointed and counted....we then had several people come up and say what a beautiful family we had and how amazed they were that so many boys could be so well behaved.

Oh, and I'll have to remember some of those comebacks to stupid comments. :)

[HopeandDreamG]

I am super sensitive about the things people say. I try hard not too, but I just can't help it. We decided to tell family about our oops and these are the things I have heard just from today:


Are ya'll trying to start a reality TV show?
I'm going to get you a gift certificate to family planning
Every time I talk to your mother, she tells me you are pregnant


I know that the idea of 4 kids is very daunting to most ppl, so I get it. BUT, these comments just really make me mad and then to hear all the boy comments on top, really get to me. I know there are many, many more comments to come and I just need a pep talk so I can get through it all!

I want 4 so badly. Forget what they say. I think it's an amazing number.
The number 4 symbolizes stability and invokes grounded nature of all things in life and nature like the four seasons, four directions and four elements (from Alex woo)
I really wanted twins from HT - now that it's been so hard I'm praying for 1- but I'd love 2!

[SamS_TTCPink]

Sorry... That was a long post!

I do just want to add though that when we had the twins the comments were worse, and they are number 3 & 4....

"We're you trying to have twins"
"Why would you want to do that"
"Are they IVF" - from complete strangers!
"Are you breast feeding"
"Did you give birth naturally"
"Is one nice and one naughty"
"Which one is your favourite"
"I bet that hurt"
"Are they twins" - I once said, no they're triplets but I left one in the car. ;)

I think people just make comments no matter what you're situation, to make themselves feel better maybe or because they couldn't imagine doing what we do? I dunno... It's beyond me sometimes. :think:

[atomic sagebrush]

Mum I hid some of my pregnancies from relatives til 7 months as well. It's like I just didn't want the drama. Surprisingly they took it ok.

I think so many kids are turning out spoiled and incapable these days that "give 1 or 2 a better life" is just rubbish anyway. I think your family is amazing and you are giving them a better life in lots of other ways.

[WantingPink]

I am thinking about hiding this pregnancy from my family for awhile too. Not sure how long I can go but I would love to make it to 5 months. I still have a good 20 lbs of pregnancy weight on me so I might be able to!! My Dads wife told me with my last pregnancy "When your Dad told me you were pregnant I said thats it... we're moving. Then he told me it was a girl and I said well I guess we can stay". I am sure she will make some big deal out of having four kids and having to get them four gifts at Christmas. I can't stand her anyway and when she says stuff about my kids I just want to punch her in here insensitive stupid face!!

People who are honest with me tell me they wish they could have more children. Someone once told me you never regret the children you have, only the children you don't. I think this is so true!! I do wonder if some of the people who make these comments are jealous.

[fiveboysandagirl]

On a brighter note, we went out to dinner while we were away and although the whole restaurant stared and pointed and counted....we then had several people come up and say what a beautiful family we had and how amazed they were that so many boys could be so well behaved.


I love this. We get stared at in restaurants too, but we also get a lot of praise from people about how well behaved our children are. I think that's a huge benefit of having a big family, the children all learn about being a team and waiting their turn for things. You can't be a spoilt brat when you come for a big family!

I too was planning on hiding this pregnancy for as long as possible, but I swear I look 6 months gone already! I'm only 6 weeks! Even with numbers 3, 4 and 5 I didn't show until quite late on. I stayed quite small right up to the end with the last baby. This time my stomach is so bloated! I'll have to make an announcement soon and just come up with a clever response. I was thinking of saying something like "we decided we didn't have enough boys so we thought we'd go for one more." ��

[Princess of Pink]

Mum I hid my last 2 pregnancies until 20 and 23 weeks, even from my mother. When I told her about the pregnancy I lost before child #4 she said " You know just because you fall pregnant doesn't mean you have to have the baby, they do have abortions available". Decided not to tell her about the next 2 kids!

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[Dreamofpink]

Sorry PoP, I know it was your Mum's comment but I think that's a despicable thing to say! I'm very much pro-choice but know that for myself I couldn't abort unless there was a very compelling reason to. However I think people who flippantly suggest it to others are so cruel & thoughtless. IMO it isn't a topic to joke about.
My Dad upset me not long after ds3 was born by saying that the best present I could get my dh is the snip! I love my Dad dearly but his Mum told me before she died (I only had ds1 &2 then) that each child makes you poorer ARGH! And yes she did have a PP & made sure to tell me that a son's only a son blah blah blah. I didn't get along with my Nan, especially with such differing views on life. She well & truly missed out on the magic of being outnumbered & Atomic I couldn't agree more with your opinion on kids being spoiled these days. Again IMO the most priceless gift you can give to your children - way above & beyond any material item - is a strong sibling bond within a large family. I'm itching to do it all over again & I really feel that even if no DD ever comes my way then I will be in the middle of a big family which itself brings so many joys! So I guess - thinking out loud - GD will bring me my dream big family at worst & a big family & a DD at best! Either way I win! :)

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[Boysway]

I have my Dad and DSM and Mum and DSD. Dad and DSM have pretty much nagged for us to have another one. That's why I'm not telling them when we're TTC. I'm holding off on telling Mum and DSD as long as possible. Mum has said multiple times I am crazy if I want another baby :( She struggled to fall pregnant with me and not miscarry (her body would fight off successful pregnancies). I suspect she doesn't like the idea I am blessed to fall pregnant easily. She always said she wished for a sister for me.

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[dreaminginblue]

I'm joining the not telling anyone crew. I've not told anyone but hubby and a good friend who has 4 kids and understands why I'd want to have more that we might have had a whoopsy and are now in an unintended 2ww.
If this is a BFP or we WTT, we've already agreed to not tell anyone till it's obvious and if baby is DD no.3 to not tell anyone till she's here. I know I'll still get pitying looks and comments but I feel prepared for them as I got them after DD2.
Seems sad that we have to defend ourselves when our childhood see 3-4 kids as the norm and 1-2 kids as strange.
PS I've written this reply out several times but kept going into a rant.

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[motherofboys]

I usually care a lot about what people say and think, so was lucky not to recieve too many comments. I had one from hubbys brother who I knew wouldn't be able to resist saying "I thought you had a new tv" so I prepared the answer "we do, but we had a power cut" laughed it off and it stopped him on that line, but not the "imagine, 4 boys!" before we even knew the gender.
Mum in law was not pleased which annoyed me. She said we shouldn't have any more in case our eldest wanted to go to college! Erm so does that mean none of the others have the chance to? And she made up her mind that the baby was a boy because we must have tried for another, and ruined our other childrens chances, because we wanted a girl so totally deserved a boy.
I am not looking forward to telling people when we do have another

[Dreamofpink]

I usually care a lot about what people say and think, so was lucky not to recieve too many comments. I had one from hubbys brother who I knew wouldn't be able to resist saying "I thought you had a new tv" so I prepared the answer "we do, but we had a power cut" laughed it off and it stopped him on that line, but not the "imagine, 4 boys!" before we even knew the gender.
Mum in law was not pleased which annoyed me. She said we shouldn't have any more in case our eldest wanted to go to college! Erm so does that mean none of the others have the chance to? And she made up her mind that the baby was a boy because we must have tried for another, and ruined our other childrens chances, because we wanted a girl so totally deserved a boy.
I am not looking forward to telling people when we do have another

Crikey, what screwed up logic your MIL has! She should've kept her silly ideas to herself. I can really hear the hurt through your words & feel for you so much. I'm on boy number three now & am coping a lot better than I ever did with ds2. He was my GD baby & although I swayed before ds3 I'm much more at peace with him. I just don't allow myself to dwell on never having a DD despite expecting ds4 next time around! It's tough I know but I know that if ds2 had been a girl that would've been it, no big family as DH was more than happy with 2 while I've always wanted a big family.

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[motherofboys]

I didn't understand her reasoning at all, she had 3 children (girl then 2 boys) and did fall pregnant a 4th time but lost the baby so 4 was really not a huge number to her. My own Nan only had 1 child and thought everyone should only have 1-2 children max. She passed away when my 2nd was a baby, but I'm sure in spite of her belief that 4 was 2 too many she'd have been supportive.
Dad in law was, he said to ignore his wife and that it was wonderful news. Of course he really thought we'd get a girl.

[dreaminginblue]

Urgh, another friend IRL has found out she's having a boy so she's being part of the PP crowd. And I so wanted to bite back when someone commented about having the perfect family like her also PP. I'm starting to realise how lush it is having 2 DD's tbh. They look and act so different to each other yet they have the same genetic make-up! And in that I'm seeing that actually the PPs are missing that as all they see is one girl mix of their genes and one boy mix of genes. And if they really do stick to two, they'll never get to experience bringing up 2 different girls/boys. Actually feel lucky tbh

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[Mulberry Smurf]

Everyone is missing out in some way but gaining in others. No one has every possible variation of family genders so won't experience everything and there's no such thing as perfect, a balanced family to me is one where everyone develops their individual personality not necessarily one or two of each gender. My friend who is childless said after I had my second boy she wants one of each as if I just ordered two boys lol. As It happens I agree I love seeing the two different boys my youngest is so smiley and eldest so helpful and loving :) xx

[dreaminginblue]

Think I get annoyed as these are the same families who only wanted 2 and get one of each and over the past year, I've seen alot pop up IRL. I know of one instance IRL where she has GG but doesn't want anymore boy or girl. They do give me pitying looks/comments so I think I'll start giving them comments back.
I totally agree with you though Mulberry Smurf, a balanced family is where they develop individual personalities. I love that mine aren't typical girls, and that they give the boys as good as they get. That said being a tomboy myself, much to my mothers destain who later learnt through me that girls aren't all frills and florals, I worry I influence their tastes.

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[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

NC I just stumbled onto this post. I get comments ALL the time. 3 and 4 children families are extremely common. I know 3 families that have 5 kids.

People ask me all the time if I'm crazy. The crazy thing is I can't believe I haven't knocked somebody out yet for saying it...lol

I also get...You must be catholic. Like we don't believe in birth control...WTF!!

People want to know what kind of car I drive...ummmm a minivan!!!

Gotta love the...Wow, you've got your hands full!!!

And people just assume I'm going to keep popping kids out. Not for nothing but it isn't anyone's business. The first few times I heard it I chuckled but now it pisses me off.

[atomic sagebrush]

Urgh, another friend IRL has found out she's having a boy so she's being part of the PP crowd. And I so wanted to bite back when someone commented about having the perfect family like her also PP. I'm starting to realise how lush it is having 2 DD's tbh. They look and act so different to each other yet they have the same genetic make-up! And in that I'm seeing that actually the PPs are missing that as all they see is one girl mix of their genes and one boy mix of genes. And if they really do stick to two, they'll never get to experience bringing up 2 different girls/boys. Actually feel lucky tbh

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I agree totally and I think there is something almost freeing for the kids in families of lots of one gender. There is no pressure to be "boy" or "girl", the kids are able to find their own identities to some extent (not saying that all families put this type of pressure on their kids but some do) so instead the kiddos can define themselves in terms of who they are like "the artist", "the musician", "baseball player" or whatever it is that they enjoy.

I have the 4 boys and they are surprisingly different! Every one of them has their "thing" and all are unique!

[Rosie85]

I agree with the whole identity thing Atomic. It is so fun to have multiple of one gender and get to see who they become. Much more fun than one of each. I am extremely happy with having a lot of boys I just wish to finish off with one little lady!

I get comments a lot too but not because of the size of family per say---it is my age. I look very young, most people assume I am 24 at most and when they see I have 3 kids already...it astonishes them. Of course I am not 24 but I am still young to have 3 kids. I will 4 before I am 30. I get older ladies coming up to me telling me I am too young to have so many kids and some say I am too young to even be married! ugh.

I probably get the most remarks from my own family members about the size of my family and friends. Almost all of them only had 2, 3 at most. So they all have something to say about having 4 kids...it's too many.

[Hobbermittens]

This thread is totally making me want a fifth child. :)

[Rosie85]

Me too Hobber and I haven't my fourth yet even! Well to be honest I always wanted 6 and DH...the silly man..is cutting me off at 4.

[Boysway]

Rosie. I have the same thing happen. Most people are surprised when they find out I have three kids (plus one watching over us). My eldest is 13. I love when people tell me I look 26-28. I was actually 31 in December.

[atomic sagebrush]

Not to sound melodramatic but I have been bullied and almost persecuted at times because I looked really young when I had my first. Treated bad by all sorts of people, clerks in stores, doctors offices, but I was in my 20's and married. Strangers would come up to me and say "I hope that's your brother" and then not believe me when I told them my age (which as an innocent young thing I felt the need to do instead of telling them to fuck off)

[motherofboys]

A good friend who I've known since I my 1st child (now 8) was a baby just announced she is having a boy. She has 3 girls and I've been right there with her for so long, knowing she wanted a boy and I wanted a girl.
I am both happy for her, and sad. Sad that it was her and not me who 'got lucky' happy that as this was 100% the last for her since has finally got her boy. She posted today on facebook saying how it still doesn't feel real to be buying blue. And I'm so so sure that I'm not ever going to get that experience.