How do you approach things when it's obvious family think you have enough kids?

[Boysway]

Here's the thing. I have a 'blended' family. On one side I have my Dad and DSM who are practically nagging us to have another baby. On the other side, we have my DSD and especially my Mum who has literally said "You're crazy if you want another one!" She hasn't just said this once, she has said it numerous times. It hurts me. Yes, my girls can be a handful at times with their fighting and arguing but, I have to say when they are good, they are pretty good kids. Dh and I would just love to have one more. It would be especially awesome if we have a boy.

We haven't told family or friends that we will be TTC. I have slipped and mentioned to two (out of 3) of Dd#4's family day carers that I was getting my Mirena out. Other than that, no-one knows. I'm hoping to hold off on telling family and friends till at least the first u/s (when I do get that bfp).

Question is, has anyone else been through this (unfortunately I am sure there are at least a few). How did you handle it? How far along were you when you told them?

[SamS_TTCPink]

Yes! With every single child we've had!!! We were 18 when we had DS1 and if you asked my parents we had ruined the family and our lives and the rest of the worlds and committed some unspeakable crime ;) and it hasn't changed much since! In fact its gotten worse with each child, so much so that i hid my pregnancy with DS6 for 6, almost 7 months (a holiday away from here helped hide my growing tummy ;) ).

Our kids can be noisy and crazy too at times, but they're kids! I don't get why my family carry on like they do. We struggle with money but our kids have so much and go to amazing schools that cost us a fortune and they all play sports, and are fed and clothed and looked after. We go through really hard times but the kids are always looked and I wouldn't change having all of them for more money, where I guess my family are more money driven and success to them is being rich, where to us, it is our happy healthy family.

I know that if/when I fall pregnant again, its going to be hell when my family find out, but all that matters is that its what we want, we feel its right for our family and it doesn't matter what they think. (Remind me of this in a few months when I'm a mess because of what they've said ;) )

[Boysway]

See, with Dad and DSM they are the same as Dh and I. Not money driven and happy as long as our kids are happy and healthy. My eldest three (including my angel) are from a previous relationship. When I told Mum (and DSD) that my Dh and I were going to try for a baby together, Mum didn't sound as excited as I would have expected. My Mum is quite materialistic which I can't stand. I know this will sound terrible but, I also wonder if it's a touch of jealousy. She had a hard time falling and staying pregnant. The doctors told her she had a 1 in a million chance of falling pregnant yet, here I am. She had a complete hysterectomy at 24 due to her medical condition. She said she always wanted another daughter for me to have a sibling. Here I am with 4 girls including my angel. I have a suspicion she will think we are just trying for a boy. Yes, we may be trying for a boy. However, we will be happy with either gender just as long as we get a healthy baby.

[motherofboys]

My side of the family have not said anything, other than to tell me I'd get on well with my brothers new girlfriend because "she likes kids too". Although I know my Nan always thought 1-2 kids was enough. I only have contact with my Mum, her new husband and my Grandad as well as my 2 brothers. After a big family dispute that took years to get over, they have learnt not to comment on my life.
My in laws, well thats more complicated. I've got my SIL running round telling people "oh yeah they'll have more, K wants a girl" something I have never shared with her and DH tells people we wont have any more at all so its not come from him. He finds it easier to just say that then go through the 'will you try for a girl?' questions.
My BIL was only ever excited about number 4, but he did make the "don't you have a TV" jokes.
MIL was NOT happy. Her reasoning being that if DS1 wants to go to college we wont be able to afford it if we have too many kids! This upset me on many levels, not least of all that she thought he was the only one with any potential! She also told DH out right that we shouldn't have any more.
FIL was happy and said to ignore MIL. He was hopeful we'd get a girl.
I don't plan to tell anyone until we have had the first scan when I do get pregnant. And I'm going to try to not let any comments upset me. Hopefully my hormones wont get in the way LOL
Its my life, my family, my choice. If I can afford more kids and cope with more kids then who's business is it?

[motherofboys]

I just read your last comment about jealousy. My MIL had 3 babies, and then fell pregnant when DH (the youngest) was in his teens and lost the baby. So 4 shouldn't be a huge number to her, but perhaps a touch of jealousy does come into it.
She also called the baby HE right from the start and was quite spiteful in saying that it would be a boy and thats just how it goes sometimes and that DH obviously carried the all boys gene as one person in each generation of his family only has sons.

[SamS_TTCPink]

Motherofboys we have such similar "crap" with our families too, and my parents also say how we should have only had DS1 so we could pay for uni etc too and he could have everything! They have always treated him different to the others and it drives me crazy!! We have so many problems with them and because of it, with him too....he knows he can "dob" on us to nanny and pa and he does, and has even left to live with them for several months on two occasions because we said no......anyway that's all another very long story!

We also get the girl questions and comments and the "haven't you got a TV".

You're right though, it's your family and your choice!

I only have one brother and we can't stand each other and I always wished I had a sister, or at least another sibling. Maybe that's why I always wanted lots of children so they had lots of siblings and I also grew up around little kids as mum was in child care and teaching and I've always just loved kids!! When I was little I said I was going to have 16kids!! Lol!! Don't think we will quite get to that. 😉


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[motherofboys]

My brothers and I were very close growing up. Not now though. Which saddens me. My Mum had been an only child and didn't want that for me, her experience was not a good one, she got more than she bargained for when she had twin boys just 13 months after me LOL I think lots of siblings gives you the chance to get on with at least one of them haha
The comment on DS1s education really annoyed me as here in the UK you get a lot of help with costs for further education, and free further education on some courses for those straight out of school. And who knows what my situation will be in another 10 years time.

[atomic sagebrush]

I waited till I was 7 months pregnant!

I think at some point we have to make peace wiht the fact that our families will never approve. But you know what I realized is, I don't approve of THEIR choices either. The particular family members that are negative about my family size and circumstances did a lot of crappy stuff that I personally don't approve of and I think it's on the whole much worse than the "sin" of having 5 kids.

[hotdogz&boyz]

We choose not to participate. We announce happily, do so in a manner that clearly implies we are thrilled and dont wish to hear anything but congratulations, and immediately change the subject to avoid any negative remarks.

You might say "wait, this girl only has three kids!" But it's one more than is acceptable in my ILs family. And we are very open about having a fourth (for sure) and possibly a fifth (very slim maybe). They say nasty things on a regular basis, but I outright ignore them. They are horrid people. My MIL had the nerve to ask DH, in front of me, if HE was happy about our third pregnancy. Bless the clueless man, he said "of course, we planned it together." Oblivious to the undertones of me "forcing" myself or ideals onto him and making him do something he didn't want to....she is a character. FIL isn't much better.

But it's "funny," it seems all the folks offering their opinion on family size are also the least attached and most likely to have very little interaction with the kids themselves. Like giving opinions on life guarding while sitting in the car in the beach parking lot.

[Bloom4314]

We have four children (three here, one in heaven) and God willing will be having at least one, if not two more. My dad and step-mum would love us to continue having babies forever! My mum doesn't really say much but my step-dad has made a few little comments here and there. To be honest, I really don't care what anyone says or thinks.

Our children are very well cared for and we provide them with what they need, we don't ask family or friends to babysit (we rarely go out but when we do, we have a paid babysitter), we go on family holidays and outings, and our children have never "missed out" on anything because they have several siblings!

Try not to let it get to you x

[motherofboys]

Hotdogsz&boyz, excellent point. I don't know how many other people will agree but my MIL is the least maternal woman I know. She much prefers, to have no one around her really. But if she must have company then adults are better.


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[Adia]

Hotdogsz&boyz, excellent point. I don't know how many other people will agree but my MIL is the least maternal woman I know. She much prefers, to have no one around her really. But if she must have company then adults are better.

That is an excellent point. The side of my family, my Dad's side, are the most critical of anyone having more than 2 kids are not "kid people" at all. They want the kids so they will grow up and become adults, but really can't stand kids...which boggles my mind because we were all kids once!

DH and I are kid people so we'll have as many kids as we please. When I someday have a 4th baby I will probably wait until the very latest moment to tell them. Like Atomic says, they do many things I don't like so if they don't like me having a 4th kids, they can just get over it!

[SamS_TTCPink]

It is a good point, neither my family or DHs are "maternal" types at all, especially my DH parents!

My parents who only like our eldest (who they didn't want us to have and I was called a slut for having as we were only 18) & tried numerous times to take him off us, including lying to children's services and his school etc!! Yeah, it's been fun!!... don't like the others and couldn't care about the impact their actions have on them at all. And they just have no patience or time for any of them.

And then my MIL doesn't like any of the kids at all and my FIL can only stand the little ones and only for a short time. We see them once a year for a 1-2 week period and that drives them crazy. They hate me too though as I "trapped" their son with our kids. They would probably like other kids if he left me and had some with someone else. 😕

I've always been a "kid person", probably more than DH who would have been happy with 2-3 kids, but I have no idea where I get it from, defiantly not my parents!!

They never even really liked me! They always complain to everyone what a horrible child I was and person I am. It must have been so hard for them raising a straight A student who wasn't even allowed out to the shops or movies with friends who occasionally answered back and who tried to skip school once in year 10! 😜

[motherofboys]

MumofSix you sound as bad as I was, imagine what we must have put our poor parents through. I think I should have had some fun while I was young and acted like a proper teenager. I was also pregnant at 18 but by that point my mum had disowned me because I'd told the truth about what a fantastic guy her bloke was (let the sarcasm in that last part be laid on so thick that it's dripping) it took 5 years (by which point I had 2 babies) before we even made contact again.


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[SamS_TTCPink]

I know...I wish I had been more of a "teenager" too and given them something to complain about cause they do anyway!!! And as Canberra is so small they tell EVERYONE including my hairdresser, my boss, dr!! 😠 I want to move away soooo badly but we're under a bloody "contract" with them and our eldest to stay until our eldest finishes school or they'll take him and take me to court saying in a bad mother (just so they get legal custody of our eldest!). The only leg they have to stand on is their and my sons false complaints and children's services, but I just don't need the crap or our kids to be dragged through all that! At the end of 2016 we are outta here! Nathan will be 18 then too so he can make his own decisions on what he does. Don't you just love families!!! 😁


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[motherofboys]

Can't believe they'd do that to you, especially having been so against you having him!


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