Broken Dreams

[SamS_TTCPink]

A few weeks ago I was so excited to be able to post in the pregnancy talk forum and now her I am, devastated I'm posting here.

Right from the BFP though I just knew it was all too good to be true. Everything had worked out too well. We had a good pink sway (not perfect but good), had our one attempt at positive opk, and got our BFP! It was all too perfect. I wanted a 2014 baby so badly and had everything all planned out and it was all falling into place. Way too good to be true because things just don't happen that perfect for me.

Then I knew something wasn't right when I had no symptoms, cramping and occasional nausea but that was it. But then I also thought I was just being negative and overly worried and thought hopefully it was just different from the boys pregnancies cause it was our girl!

I started spotting and having brown discharge and again was concerned something was wrong, but it seemed to stop and again, just thought it was defiantly our girl. Then 2 nights ago I started bleeding, heavy painful bleeding. I went to hospital hoping they'd do an ultra sound, see my baby and tell me everything was ok.
But instead, they said I had an ectopic pregnancy or was having a miscarriage. They wouldn't do an ultrasound but did bloods and said my HCG levels were way too low and I was defiantly losing the baby.

So here I am, at home still bleeding and in pain and knowing I've lost my baby. My dreams of a Christmas baby shattered and all the questions in my head of whether it's something I did, something I ate, something I didn't do right, that caused this??!?! Or do I just simply not deserve a daughter??? 😞

And also wondering where to from here? After my BFP I went off the LE diet, stopped the supplements and started a prenatal vitamin, put weight on and went back to my very "boy friendly" lifestyle. So I'm back to square one!!

I have read that miscarriage can sway pink but after not being on LE for the past 6 weeks, am I better off waiting and dieting again or is miscarriage enough of a sway to make up for the diet?? And does a miscarriage count as the start of a cycle or do I need to wait until I've had a full cycle after this miscarriage ends??

I know it's hard to talk about but I guess I'd like to know what other pink swayers have done after a loss, how long you swayed for again, how long you waited and if you changed anything or did anything? And did you do anything to help prevent another loss? And what outcomes did you have?

I'd appreciate any advice on where to go from here. 💜💜💜


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[coocoobananas]

Not that I have any idea but I think if I were you I would try this very next cycle. Just do the le strict til then and for the 2 ww. Of course I'm not sure I could if I was sad on top of it:( I'd want comfort food etc.
Sorry you're having to go through this mum:(

[nuthinbutpink]

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for you loss.

[Mackenzie]

I am so sorry! I've had 2 miscarriages, they are awful. It is nothing you did! So stop thinking like that. It only hurts you more. What the doctors said to me is something didn't happen right in the series of events and it's your body doing it's job.
It may sound kinda bad but for me thinking about moving forward helped, Planning the next attempt. I'm a blue sawyer but I have 3 girls ;)I would go for next ovulation. Count your first day of red bleeding as cd 1 and track ovulation. It was a bit later for me but just by a couple days. Be kind to yourself! It's not your fault! Also what really helped me was looking at my other beautiful healthy children and realizing how blessed I am to have them. It will get better. I'm thinking of you.

[aidansmum]

Oh no, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so not fair! Don't beat yourself up hun, you did nothing wrong, unfortunately these things happen, but I know how frustrating it is, I had a miscarriage of a much wanted baby a few years ago and it's heartbreaking, I feel for you. :SS:
I personally do not think the short time you had off the LE would affect anything that much, if I were you I would go for it as soon as possible, but don't do anything that will put doubt in your mind, in the end only you can tell what you're comfortable with doing. Just want to send you hugs x

[SamS_TTCPink]

Thank you all.

I think you're right Mackenzie and looking forward and planning our next attempt will help, just wasn't sure how to track everything now but I'll take your advice and count Friday as CD1. 😊

I do think "emotionally" I'm more than happy to try straight away, just hope my body is too!




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[kitkat18]

Hey mumofsix I'm so sorry I can't offer you any practical swaying advice after a mc but I just wanted to say don't beat yourself this was not your fault!! Us boy mums do tend to blame ourselves I know I do:) big hugs! I feel like I have got to know you and this whole forum I'm sure is rooting for you to get your girl !! Good luck with your decision but I look forward to chatting with you more xxxx

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[SamS_TTCPink]

Thanks kitkat, I too feel like I've made real "friends" on this site and you all know me better and more about me than any friend I do have here (I actually don't have many friends though) and it's so nice to have some support and someone to talk to who actually understands and who doesn't judge! Especially now and going through a m/c I don't think I could get through it as well without this site and everyone I've gotten to know.

And yes, us boy mums sure do blame ourselves for everything! 😜

Thanks again, your support is greatly appreciated. 💜💜💜


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[kitkat18]

Mumof six I'm so surprised you don't have lots of friends you seem really genuine, lovely and fun!!! But yes I too could not have coped without this site and all of you ( no one knows I'm swaying!!) yah for new friends and this site xxxxx

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[flowerlily]

I really haven't got any advice for you. :( But I'm so so sorry you had to go through this, the world is horrible place, and please please don't blame yourself for this. Big hugs.
Shame on the hospital for not giving you an u/s, what horrible people they are for just assuming what you are going through to this and that!!
BIG HUGS. TAKE CARE.

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[laVieEnRose]

Dear Mumofsix,
Be kind and gentle to yourself. It's still very early days. I can only share my experience and tell you that each day brings healing and hope.
2 weeks ago I was in the same frame of mind, feeling guilty that I might have caused my ectopic pregnancy and you gave me some wonderful words of comfort. You are not at fault, and I am sure that deep down you do know it is natures way, but I also know that first of all 'accepting' is so hard and heartbreaking. We so want to understand why and how, but the truth is it can't be explained.
I went through denial, anger, despair, sorrow and now grief. Each time I look at my scars which are still tender I think of the little being who had chosen to come but sadly had to go. There was no choice or I would lose my life and my children their mother. I now accept it and I am grateful. Grateful to be living a life in this world where medicine can save you, grateful that I'm healthy and my loved ones too. I am grateful for My beautiful boys and my husband. I just approach life with appreciation as I understand how it can all suddenly be taken away...
I too wanted a 2014 baby so bad, but I come to realise that it doesn't matter does it? For me it was for selfish reasons such as I want my last baby before I reach 40, and when I want something, I want it now, immediately...well, who cares I will be over 40, and in this world of immediate consumption, thank god there are still things we can't control. I just need to let go...

I'm still surprised how my emotions are still up and down. Yesterday we had also a family gathering and someone asked me how I was and I just burst into tears...so I guess I'm still healing, and that's fine, I need to let it happen.
I have no ideas where I am at with my cycles. I don't think I can count CD1 as the last bleed as its was post surgery. I just need to wait...I have been off the LE diet for 2 weeks - I will resume it but not as strictly. I'm not sure if an ectopic pregnancy sway at all.

I'm sorry you haven't got the support of your mum but I do hope you have it within your family. From what I read in previous thread, your husband seems lovely and your DS2 a Jem. Cherish their love.

I'm thinking of you and Sending you lots of love.
Happy to be your rainbow baby buddy.:-).

Speak soon xxx

[SamS_TTCPink]

Mumof six I'm so surprised you don't have lots of friends you seem really genuine, lovely and fun!!! But yes I too could not have coped without this site and all of you ( no one knows I'm swaying!!) yah for new friends and this site xxxxx

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Awww...thank you kitkat. 💜💜
It's more because we were young when we had our first child (18) and so all our friends were out partying while we were working and raising a family and other parents looked down on us because we were young and parents so we've always been "stuck" and don't really fit in with anyone. And anyone we were friend with, had 1 or 2 children so stopped asking us over or doing anything with us because we had six.

I'm also so busy with the kids that I don't really get out much. 😉

The couple of friends I do have are wonderful but they don't have any kids so they're always out it away and busy. But I really do love having you all on here!! 💜❤️💛


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[SamS_TTCPink]

Thank you for such a beautiful, heartfelt post laVieEnRose. It's comforting to know what I'm feeling is "normal" and a process we unfortunately have to go through. I was at the shops with DS2 today and we walked past a brand new baby girl in a pram and it hurt so much knowing I'm currently losing my baby and 'she' won't get a chance a life. But yes, it does make you appreciate the miracle that our children are.

My DH is being supportive as he is upset too, as although we were only 6 weeks along, in his eyes too we have lost a child. And DS2 is amazing! I took him shopping today for some clothes that he wanted to get and he insisted I but myself something too. He said "I'm not letting you leave without getting yourself something because you never do and you deserve something" and we had a really nice day out together, just us two. I felt dreadful physically, but it was so nice to just be with him, someone who knew and someone who cares so much about his mum. 💜

My DH is concerned about getting pregnant straight away as he is not sure it will be 'good' for my body and doesn't want to increase the risk of another miscarriage, and of course I'm the same, but if it doesn't pose any risk, I'd like to attempt again soon.

I think I'll give myself Easter to eat well and provide my body with some nourishment and then get straight back on LE and see how we go.

It's sad that so many of us have to endure this pain and loss but it's so nice to have someone who understands. xxx


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[WantingPink]

Your DS2 sounds like the sweetest boy on the planet... one day he is going to make the most amazing husband and father!!

I am so sorry you are going through this but you must know that you didn't do anything to make this happen. I think we forget how truly complicated making a little life really is. Things just cant happen perfect all the time... that just isn't how nature works. I am sure it wasn't anything you did. It is so nice that your DH is right there with you and you can lean on him. I can guarantee my DH wouldn't be as sympathetic or empathetic.

I have seen lots and lots of women on here get PG right after their early losses. I don't have advice for you as far as what to do as far as your sway. I am sure Atomic will have some words of wisdom for you.

Be kind to yourself and take your DS2's advice and do something nice for YOURSELF!!

[atomic sagebrush]

I am so sorry!! I do have a guide to swaying after a miscarriage here: http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gender-swaying-general-discussion/29504-guide-swaying-after-miscarriage.html and then please let me know if you have any questions.

[SamS_TTCPink]

Thanks Atomic. 😊💜


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[Mrs_Incredible]

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think I told you on your other thread that I had a blighted ovum in February. I was 6 weeks along when my body realised and let go. I O'd 2 weeks later and got pg again with one attempt. I wasn't great on le but with the lost pg I had barely eaten as I was so poorly feeling, every symptom going, so I figured that along with the mc was my best shot at a sway. I don't think for a minute that I'll have a girl, but in my mind it was my best chance at a sway attempt. I hope you fall pg quickly. For me I couldn't have waited, I needed to move on. After o I really regretted not having more than one attempt. What was I thinking!? Really can't believe I got pg twice with one attempt. Good luck xx


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[Kelissi]

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Sending you love and hugs and all good things - loss is so, so beyond difficult. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You absolutely deserve a girl. Even though it's hard, please try to avoid blaming yourself, because loss is natural, and, sadly, pretty normal. Even sadder is that we feel like we can't talk about it.

When I got pregnant with a Paragard in, I had it pulled which probably caused me to miscarry. I came across this sculpture, and it was very cathartic to look at for me: http://d2c23y42n9jhsc.cloudfront.net/photos/2092583/original/801070c8d.jpg .

[Adia]

So sorry Mum...I feel your grief. I started swaying in Nov 2012 and got a BFP right away. It was a blighted ovum and I miscarried at 7 weeks. An u/s showed a sac with nothing growing in it. I got pregnant again Nov 2013 but never got a BFP just all the symptoms of pregnancy and then a typical miscarriage at 6 weeks.
Here I am still swaying almost 2 years after starting.
Big hugs, it is such a heavy heartache losing a baby even when we have had several others.

[Rosie85]

oh Mum, once again I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with trying this next cycle, that short time off LE wouldn't have hurted too much and the sway after a loss will probably even it out. I hope you are healing okay. Your DS2 is such a lovely lad, I can only hope my boys turn out that well! You are amazing and deserve your daughter, it was nothing you did. I am sure you will be holding your daughter in your arms by 2015!

[Pinkmeup]

Mum of six, I can only echo what everyone's already said, but am genuinely so very very sorry to hear your news. Life really is a bitch sometimes. I admire your strength and am also sure that everything will turn out just right if you hang on in there. Do please be kind to yourself. Best of luck xx

[sweetpea]

Oh mama, I'm so sorry for your loss. :( (((hugs))) to you :HH:

[SamS_TTCPink]

Thank you all.

I hope you're right Rosie85. 💜

[SamS_TTCPink]

The hospital just called...I have to go in for a repeat HCG blood test to make sure they're going down. I know it's crazy, and I'm defiantly miscarrying, but there is still that small but of hope that they'll do the bloods and it will come back higher and all this is just some crazy pregnancy bleeding and everything's going to be ok. 😕

[SamS_TTCPink]

So it's official, no hope of a miracle now. Blood tests show my HCG is dropping even further. I have to have weekly tests til it reaches 0. The bleeding and pain is so bad today and I'm so dizzy! I hope this stops soon so I can look forward to TTC again. 😞

[kitkat18]

You poor thing!! Take some time to rest I hope the pain and dizziness pass soon....i look forward to being your cycle buddy in may or June xx

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[SamS_TTCPink]

Just replied to you in the April thread too. 😊 lol! Must have been writing at the same time.

Yep, looking forward to being TTC buddies!! 👍

[Pumpkin2011]

I am so very sorry for your loss! I've been there twice and know how you feel. You should go for it and try again right away.

[SamS_TTCPink]

Thanks pumpkin2011. 😊

[MIka1104]

A few weeks ago I was so excited to be able to post in the pregnancy talk forum and now her I am, devastated I'm posting here.

Right from the BFP though I just knew it was all too good to be true. Everything had worked out too well. We had a good pink sway (not perfect but good), had our one attempt at positive opk, and got our BFP! It was all too perfect. I wanted a 2014 baby so badly and had everything all planned out and it was all falling into place. Way too good to be true because things just don't happen that perfect for me.

Then I knew something wasn't right when I had no symptoms, cramping and occasional nausea but that was it. But then I also thought I was just being negative and overly worried and thought hopefully it was just different from the boys pregnancies cause it was our girl!

I started spotting and having brown discharge and again was concerned something was wrong, but it seemed to stop and again, just thought it was defiantly our girl. Then 2 nights ago I started bleeding, heavy painful bleeding. I went to hospital hoping they'd do an ultra sound, see my baby and tell me everything was ok.
But instead, they said I had an ectopic pregnancy or was having a miscarriage. They wouldn't do an ultrasound but did bloods and said my HCG levels were way too low and I was defiantly losing the baby.

So here I am, at home still bleeding and in pain and knowing I've lost my baby. My dreams of a Christmas baby shattered and all the questions in my head of whether it's something I did, something I ate, something I didn't do right, that caused this??!?! Or do I just simply not deserve a daughter??? ��

And also wondering where to from here? After my BFP I went off the LE diet, stopped the supplements and started a prenatal vitamin, put weight on and went back to my very "boy friendly" lifestyle. So I'm back to square one!!

I have read that miscarriage can sway pink but after not being on LE for the past 6 weeks, am I better off waiting and dieting again or is miscarriage enough of a sway to make up for the diet?? And does a miscarriage count as the start of a cycle or do I need to wait until I've had a full cycle after this miscarriage ends??

I know it's hard to talk about but I guess I'd like to know what other pink swayers have done after a loss, how long you swayed for again, how long you waited and if you changed anything or did anything? And did you do anything to help prevent another loss? And what outcomes did you have?

I'd appreciate any advice on where to go from here. ������


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MumofSix, I took a break from the forum 2 weeks ago after my miscarriage. We had been ttc for 6 months and were so happy, only to have it end at 6 weeks. I am so sorry for your loss and I understand exactly how you feel. I spotted for over and week and just knew something was wrong. Try to stay positive...believe me, I know it's hard. I pray that things work out for your and that you will get to hold your baby girl in your arms soon.

[SamS_TTCPink]

thanks for your post Mlka1104 and I'm sorry for your loss too, it is hard but I've found amazing support on here. As horrible it is that so many of us have had to go through a loss, it is good to have someone who understands. xx

[angielorna]

I am so very heartbroken for you. I know it's been said, but it is worthy to say it again (and again and again) .... it is not your fault, there is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. When I lost my first baby, the OB looked at me and said "do you know why this happened?" And I said "there must have been something wrong with the baby". He smiled and said, "perhaps, but these things happen sometimes and it's nothing you've done, has nothing to do with who you are, and there is nothing that you could have done differently. It doesn't matter who you are, there is always a chance. My daughter and a hooker on the corner would have the same chance of miscarriage". I don't know if it's helpful to you or not, but it made me laugh to hear this coming from a random OB, who I had never met.

I lost my first and second pregnancy at 10 weeks and my third at 14 weeks (my daughter and the most traumatizing experience I've been through to date). I completely understand the grief and sorrow over not only losing a child, but also the future that could have been. The heart finds a way to heal around the pain and allows us to move forward and create an alternate future. I realize now that if I had not lost my daughter at 14 weeks, I would not have DS2, who I love dearly. The children who watch over our family from above hold a very special place in my heart.

I was told to wait one cycle before trying again, however, from what I've read myself, there is no physical reason to do so....it's mostly for emotional healing (as if it only takes one cycle). In fact, I've read that conceiving again after a miscarriage is easier because the body is already "primed" for pregnancy. I've never conceived a month after heartbreak, but within 3. My boss carried a baby to term, only for her to pass away shortly after birth(heart defect due to medications prescribed for nausea during pregnancy) and got pregnant her very first cycle after (unintentionally) and her second daughter is now 32. So there is no physical reason to wait.

I don't know anything about swaying after your loss, but I see that Atomic posted a link to her essay.

What I wish for you is to start on your healing journey and find a way to move forward. Your son sounds amazing. He must take after his mother :) Though, your DH sounds wonderfully supportive as well. I'm sorry you do not have the IRL support you need but am relieved that you can find support in this forum.

Lots of hugs to you.
Angie

[SamS_TTCPink]

Thanks Angie, that's a really nice post. And I am so sorry for your losses too. 💔

I guess I do know that it's probably nothing I did it didn't do, but as you'd probably know, it's hard to not look into it all and wonder. 😞

My DS2 is amazing! I am very blessed to have him. ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you for your support and kind words. xx