Totally shocking, surprise BFP after a late-term loss *UPDATE pg. 3*

[sweetpea]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this...I've been going back and forth between this board and the TTC After a Loss board, and then finally decided to post here, so as not to hurt or upset any of the mamas still trying to conceive their rainbow baby.

I'm not sure if anyone here remembers me, but I was quite active on these message boards a long while back. I have two boys (born in 2008 and 2010), and had swayed for a girl in 2012. I ended up getting pregnant with boy/girl twins, carried them for 37 weeks, and then lost the boy right before birth. My daughter will be 1 year old in a month, and I don't know where this year has gone. I've been in a fog of grief over the loss of my son, joy and love for my new daughter, and just the plain old trying to get used to life as a mommy of three kids. It's been a busy year, filled with a lot of up and down emotions.

My husband and I had decided that we were going to be 100% done having kids when we were pregnant with the twins. But after we lost our son, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. As time went on, we began to feel blessed and almost complete with our 3 healthy kids, but I still felt that curiosity over whether or not we should try for one more. After all, we had gotten used to the idea of 4 kids when I was pregnant with the twins, and I didn't want the last baby I'd ever deliver to be one that was stillborn. I wanted a happy ending, I wanted another chance at a healthy pregnancy and just one more take-home baby. But I wasn't sure if I wanted that enough to risk all the potential problems that could go wrong with trying one more time. What if I have another loss? What if my KIDS have to go through another loss? They had a really hard time with losing their brother, especially my oldest son. That was probably the hardest part of our loss - seeing our children's heartache over it. :(

Anyway, I had planned a lazy, yet strict sway with Atomic that I was going to *maybe* put into effect come October or so. Lazy in the sense of not doing a ton of things to sway, and strict in the sense of not making it easy to get pregnant. I was still of the mindset of not being sure whether or not I even WANTED to try again. I was...am...terrified of another loss like that. I had my plan of TTC in October....but was totally OK with chickening out if need-be once the time came, or even trying for a couple of months and then closing the door if it didn't happen, and scheduling a permanent birth control solution, and then moving on with life.

Well, in the midst of my indecisiveness, God took matters into his own hands and made that decision for us. We got the biggest shock of our lives a couple of weeks ago when my period was late and a blaring BFP was staring back at me. I cried for about a week straight. I was shocked and terrified, and totally unprepared for a surprise pregnancy. I've literally just started a new job, I hadn't been taking any folic acid or vitamins of any kind, we just switched to a high-deductible health plan, and I haven't lost all of my pregnancy weight from my pregnancy with the twins (which could be a serious problem causing the same kind of loss to happen again). I know I should be happy with a blessing such as this, but I'm just not there yet. I'm devastated right now...and just simply shocked and so, so scared.

I'm sorry for this long, depressing post. We haven't told anyone IRL yet, for obvious reasons, and I just needed a place to get this out. Again, I apologize if this isn't the right place to post it, and I'm hoping a moderator could move it to the appropriate place if needed.

If you've read this far, then I thank you. Just needed to get this out and tell someone. :HH:

[nuthinbutpink]

Congratulations! Just be as healthy as you can and that's really all we can do! Twins are high risk. They just are. A single pregnancy carries risks but it's not the same. I hope you have an uneventful 9 months.

[sweetpea]

Thank you, NBP. It's so true what you wrote. It still really stings though, to know that twin pregnancies are high-risk....and then having a really uneventful, healthy twin pregnancy....just to lose one of them at the very end. It still makes me so mad. Ugh. :(

But you're right. New pregnancy, and (hopefully) just a singleton one = better chance than last time of having things go more smoothly. I'm praying that's the case. I just don't think I'll ever feel comfortable or "safe" this pregnancy, until the baby is breathing in my arms, you know? Still so very scared....

[foxymrsg]

Aw Hun sending massive hugs. I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months.

[sweetpea]

Thank you :HH:

[WantingPink]

There seems to be lots of surprise babies going around!! Congrats and I hope everything goes well and uneventful for you this time!!

[sweetpea]

Thank you, Wanting! Congratulations on your surprise BFP too! When do you find out what you're having? I think I just read that you did that early blood work test (can't think of the name now) and that you can find out the gender soon, right??

[Mulberry Smurf]

Congratulations on your bfp. So sorry to read of your loss that is truly devastating. I hope your pregnancy is stress free and that your new baby helps heal your heart too. Best wishes xx

[Dreamofpink]

Welcome back Sweetpea :heart: It must have been a real roller-coaster of emotions for you over the last year. I really hope that this pregnancy goes well for you. X x

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[WantingPink]

Thank you, Wanting! Congratulations on your surprise BFP too! When do you find out what you're having? I think I just read that you did that early blood work test (can't think of the name now) and that you can find out the gender soon, right??

Yes... I should find out later this week or early next week. I can hardly wait!! My BFP took me by total surprise too. I was in shock for awhile... sometimes I feel like I still am in shock.

[I Love Ladybugs]

Sweetpea....you won't recognize my name for anything, but your story has haunted me. I know that you have probably had the toughest year of your life and I pray that you have had support IRL. (((((hugs))))

May this baby be blessed with health and life! And that you have peace during your rainbow pregnancy.....that you will hold your precious baby kicking and screaming in about 7.5 months.

[coocoobananas]

I remember you sweet pea but didn't know you lost your boy:( I must have gone off the boards at that time.
I have suprise too coming and took a bit to actually accept it. I'm sure for you will be harder. I think though, your chances are slim that that will happen again and your pregnancy will be just fine:)
We are all here though when you need reassurance, as much as we can give you ((hugs))

[sweetpea]

Thank you all for your kind words and for welcoming me back. :) I see there's a lot of other surprise BFP's lately, too - trust me, I know the feeling of shock that you ladies are also experiencing! We've never even come close to having an "oops" before. I O'd somewhere around CD 30 this time - right when I was thinking AF would be coming. It's insane. I still can't believe this is happening, but I'm trying hard to embrace it. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow afternoon that I am so nervous about. I don't think I'll be able to get that blissfully naive feeling back during pregnancy ever again. Every appointment will have me on edge, I'm sure. :(

[Ribbons]

Congrats!!! So excited for you! I know you are scared and worried but like NBP said, the singleton pregnancies are easier and I will pray that it all works out for you. :hug2:

[sweetpea]

Ribbons! So good to "see" you. How are you? Thank you for your kind words, too. I hope all is well with you and your sweet family. :)

[SamS_TTCPink]

sweetpea I only just read your original posts the other day about losing your son and it broke my heart. It would have been so hard to go trough that for all of your family. I lost a twin during pregnancy with DS1 but it was much earlier than you and that was hard enough. I'm truly so sorry for your loss and what you and your kids had to go through.

This little bean is obviously meant to be and all you can so is look after yourself and try to relax a little when you can and take one day at a time. You have so much support here as I'm sure you already know.

Wishing you a healthy and uneventful pregnancy with a healthy bouncing bub at the end. 💜💜💜

[HopeandDreamG]

Sweatpea- I had no idea you lost one of your twins. I am so sorry to hear that. Did the doctors give you an explanation for the loss? I agree with nbp twins do carry/pose a risk and I hope that can put your mind at ease somewhat.
It's completely understandable why you would have fears about this pregnancy. Believe me- I get it and so many on this board do. Congrats on your sweet surprise.

[sweetpea]

Thanks, mamas. Your words mean a lot to me (((hugs))).

Hope&Dream - Yes, twin pregnancies (and all multiple pregnancies, for that matter) do come with more risks than singleton pregnancies, but what *still* makes me so mad/sad about this is that my twin pregnancy was such a normal, textbook, healthy one (my doctor called it "as plain vanilla as twin pregnancies get" at one point). The babies were such good sizes, I carried them all the way to 37 weeks, which is awesome for twins, you know? Full term, even by singleton standards. But then, just one week before my scheduled induction (because my doctor doesn't let twin pregnancies go beyond 38 weeks, in fear that the exact thing that ended up happening, would happen)....my baby boy's placenta tore away from the uterine wall. It was a partial placental abruption, due to the sheer girth of my belly from carrying full term twins, as well as slightly elevated blood pressure (which is why it was imperative that my weight be low and healthy this time around - which it is NOT :( ). I just thank God every day that my daughter's placenta was able to hold out long enough for me to deliver her safely. Still, it doesn't make me miss my son any less. :(

Anyway, I know the odds of that happening this time around, as long as it's a singleton pregnancy, are reduced. But the risk is still there...somewhat more so than someone who hasn't had a stillbirth in the past. So, that does scare me a bit. Especially considering that I haven't lost all the weight I needed to lose first, which will most likely cause my BP to be slightly elevated again. I'm just a ball of nerves and so scared of the outcome. :(

[Babybeaublue]

I don't think words can ever be used to describe what you went through, I think you are very brave and stronger than you think. You have every right to be scared and confused as to your feelings right now esp as you have not told anyone IRL. Please keep us updated I'm sure everyone here has you in their thoughts and prayers. Congrats too!! this is maybe exactly what you need!

[The Anchor]

Oh sweetpea, I'm so sorry, I don't think I knew about your little boy. How heartbreaking for you and your family. CONGRATS on your new BFP!

[Rosie85]

oh sweetpea I had no idea! I am so so sorry for your loss of your son.

Congratulations on your daughter though and congrats on the BFP. I truly think things will be okay this time around. Your sweet DS 3 has sent you a gift! That is the way I would look at it. Hugs!!

[atomic sagebrush]

Wow I think that's great news!!!! AAA I'm so happy and excited for you!

[sweetpea]

Thanks again for all the sweet words, ladies. It really warms my heart. :awe:

I had my dating scan today and was quite surprised to learn that the baby was measuring 8w3d, when I thought I was only 6w6d. My due date was changed to November 29th. We got to see the heartbeat too, which was a strong 178 bpm. It was so strange and surreal to be back in my OB's office again, starting another pregnancy. To say I was nervous is a large understatement. I made hubby go with me for support. We're still so dumbfounded that this is happening, it almost doesn't seem real...

[sweetpea]

Also, and definitely not as important as the other things I'm worried about, but I'm kinda bummed that I didn't get a chance to sway. It would have been nice to try and sway the odds a bit towards pink, but I'm pretty sure this will end up being another boy.

[SamS_TTCPink]

Glad to hear your scan went well and that there's a strong healthy bub in there. 😊

[Sunflower3]

Congrats sweetpea.
Not sure if you remember me. We were both pregnant with twins around the same time but I lost both of mine at 6 weeks 3 days. I again am so sorry for the loss of your son but am extremely excited to see you are pregnant again!!! HUGE congrats!!! So incredibly happy for you!!! Xxxx


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[kitkat18]

Sorry for your loss sweet pea that is really heartbreaking. Happy you got your BFP sounds like he/she was meant to be best of luck and try not to worry although that's wayyy easier said than done. I'm sure you will get extra special care more scans etc this time round xxxx

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[sweetpea]

Congrats sweetpea.
Not sure if you remember me. We were both pregnant with twins around the same time but I lost both of mine at 6 weeks 3 days. I again am so sorry for the loss of your son but am extremely excited to see you are pregnant again!!! HUGE congrats!!! So incredibly happy for you!!! Xxxx
Hi, Sunflower! :wave: Yes, I do remember you. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost both of your sweet babies. My heart breaks for you. :( Losing a baby (babies) is such a hard, awful thing that us women have to go through at times. Are you going to try again? And thank you for your kind words! I'm still really nervous and still shocked. Aside from the constant nausea, I don't feel pregnant. I just can't believe I'm going through this again, and so soon. I need to hide this for as long as I possibly can because I don't want my boys to find out until I'm much further along (which I now realize doesn't guarantee anything, but I just want to minimize the risk of them getting hurt again). We can't tell anyone until we tell the boys because I would be furious if someone slipped and mistakenly told them (which I could totally see happening). I see lots of baggy shirts in my future. :p

[sweetpea]

***UPDATE***

So this Saturday, I went to have an elective scan done, totally planning on staying team green (despite DH's constant nagging to find out what we're having), but then caved at the end, LOL! I went to the ultrasound session alone, and I decided to go ahead and have the tech put the gender results in an envelope so that I could open it with my husband that evening. So she put the results in a yellow envelope, sealed it, and it stayed in my purse for the entire day because we were busy packing all day to move. I am telling you, I went NUTS all day thinking about how that little envelope held such important news! Once my husband and I had a moment to ourselves that evening, we opened the envelope together and were utterly shocked to see the words "IT'S A GIRL" with arrows pointing to 3 little lines! I grabbed my husband's arm and screamed!!! LOL! I was SO shocked! With no sway what-so-ever, no dieting, no exercising, lots of weight left to lose from the last pregnancy, etc, I felt for sure all of that would mean another boy. All that really mattered was a healthy baby, so gender truly didn't matter, but how shocking and thrilling and surprising to find out that it's a girl! We'll now have two boys (19 months apart) and two girls (18 months apart) with a 3-year gap in between. Once this baby girl arrives safe and sound, God willing, I can be content in saying that our family will officially be complete.

Just wanted to share this with all of you! I am feeling so incredibly thankful and blessed. :awe: Now please, get here safely baby girl! In Jesus' name! :)

[Mrs_Incredible]

Congratulations, fantastic news!!! Xx


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[Sunflower3]

Congrats sweetpea!!!

[Rosie85]

Congrats on the girl sweatpea!!!!

[6bluewant1pink]

Congratulations! God is so good!

[Ribbons]

Congrats sweetpea! This is such amazing news, so happy for you! :)

[SamS_TTCPink]

Congrats sweetpea! What awesome news.

[essnce629]

Congrats!!! How amazing!!!!

[Boysway]

Aww, I just got shivers. Congratulations :D

[sweetpea]

Thank you all so much. We are so happy... And still in shock, lol

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[atomic sagebrush]

I am so so so happy for you!!!!!

[BZ88]

Remember you so happy for your bfp