Vent: lost it at DH today!

[SamS_TTCPink]

So I'm either pregnant or just emotional today, but this arvo we picked up DS1 from his weekend at the naval base and he was filling us in on everything he did as well as telling us all the exciting things the officers etc are doing... And I said "wow, I wish I could join". And DH said you can join. I said "how the hell can I do that! I can't go out for an hour without having to have everything done, dinner cooked and in bowls with names on them, all the cleaning up done and the kids all sorted! How could I go away for 12weeks for even just the initial training! And even after that, he refuses to love from Canberra so how would we be able to be posted around all the time!"

And he said "well, it's your fault you've achieved nothing as when we decided to have DS2, we also decided that I'd be the stay at home parent and he would have a career"

So I lost it!! Yes we did decide that. I was working as a paralegal at the time and was planning on studying law and becoming a lawyer etc, and he was just starting in the public service, but we then decided that I'd stop work and he would develop a career. So that was 13yrs ago, and he is still in the same level job, at the same pay rate as he was back then (the lowest level in the public service). He hasn't "developed" a career and has no drive or passion or intention of moving up. If we'd made the opposite decision, I would not still be a paralegal but a practicing lawyer by now!

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change being with the kids for the world but his comment did annoy me as yes, it was our decision but then he didn't "live up to his word" and develop a career and income to support us all in the lives we had planned, but still I can't go out and do anything.

I have gained various qualifications in fitness during this time and worked casually as a PT and health coach, but it's always been what I could do with and around the kids. He never has to worry about them and can do what he wants when and how he wants.

He is at work now because he wanted to go in, (it's Sunday so he isn't supposed to work weekends) and has gone there leaving me with all the kids, no food as we haven't been grocery shopping and having to pick up DS2 and his friends from the movies later this arvo.

We have always lived in Canberra because he won't move, despite me practically pleading to go so I could get away from my family and also go somewhere that offers courses I want to study (I can't so them in Canberra) but he refuses to leave.

So I'm stuck living somewhere I hate, having to deal with all the crap that comes with being here, not being able to study or work or do anything, and left all the time to practically be a single mum as he does nothing to help, while he can do what he likes, when he likes, work when he likes in his low level job, live where he likes, and all because it's my fault because I decided to be the stay at home parent 13yrs ago!!

Sorry....I'll be over it by tomorrow but he just made me so mad with his comments and I just needed to vent!! 😉💜

[Mrs_Incredible]

Sounds selfish, insensitive and totally takes you for granted! Parenting, regardless of who works outside the home has got to be a team effort. And choosing to work Sunday over having family time!?? Well i hope he gets paid overtime!!! You do get the tough end of the stick hon. He should be careful as i think one day you might realise you've got a choice in your life. There's only so much one woman can take from them all xx
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[Boysway]

OMG!! This was a jaw dropping vent. Grrr, I bet your blood was boiling, cause' mine was! No wonder you blew out at your husband. I would have done the same. He really needs to wake up to himself and his selfish ways. That's just incredible in the worst possible way!

Huge :hugs:

[maleficient311]

That is terrible. You deserve so much better. I'm sorry your DH isn't showing appreciation towards you.
If only there was a way to reverse roles and have him realize just how valuable you are as a wife and mother. He'd be kissing the floor u walk on.

[Girlfriend]

Wow! How incensitive! I'm totally shocked for u. I really hope he realised what he said to u and comes kissing the ground you walk on.
But I know deap down he probably didn't even mean it like that, you know we all say things we don't mean during a heated argument. And the fact you r still around tells me that he's probably a good father who loves his boys and takes good care of them, I think u just need to learn to delegate and ask for more you time ( no kids) . After 1 day with the kids he will quickly appreciate you and how hard you work.

[girliedreamz]

I would tell him it's time to switch things up. You're going to work, and he can be the stay-at-home dad. Sounds like he wouldn't last a day. ;)

[oncue]

wow, that was really mean of him, and then to take off and go to work when he didn't have to is even worse. I think it's a big rude that he thinks he is allowed to just decide to get away for a day when he feels like it. I know it must hurt you too to be treated this way, it isn't very fair. What I wld be worried about too is how his behaviour is coming across to ur boys. He is their primary male role model and I think he needs to learn to respect you a bit more as ur boys may think it's ok to treat u this way too (or start thinking this is the way relationships work) and it Cld end up being a cycle.
I'm hoping it's not like that all the time for you. It wld be great if he wld find the time once a month or so to have the kids for a whole day while u go out and relax and have some alone time. It's so easy as a mum to put urself last, but once in a while u deserve a break too. I think u sound like an awesome wife and mum, and he needs to appreciate that. Sending u lots of hugs xo

[odd]

Wow. How terrible of him to say such a thing. Men can be pretty obnoxious at times :-(

I do have to say though, I admire your drive to wanna do so much even when you're so busy. I'm pooped with just one so always admire women who can do it all.

[angielorna]

Wow, just wow. I'm sorry he's such an ass!
Hugs...
Angie

[aidansmum]

Wow! Men can be so awful! I'm sorry he made you feel this way when what he should be doing is making you feel valued and appreciated for what you gave up for your family and understood when you feel for the things you lost/missed out on. It's totally normal. To throw something so unfair on your face like that is incredibly selfish. I have been losing it with DH too but for much less than that, he is a fantastic father and very hard working husband and I know he works 6 days a week for most weeks and I feel sorry he's always so tired, but sometimes I would appreciate a bit of help. I don't want him to get out of his way and do house chores, that's not it, but simple things like dispose of old newspaper on benchtop, bring down the glass of wine he had upstairs 3 nights ago, bring down his dirty clothes to the laundry, just easy, simple things, it just infuriates me when I just tidied the bathroom and after he comes home from work I find dirty clothes on the floor. I know I am being a bit pedantic but I am 37 weeks pregnant now with a toddler who makes my house look like a war zone, my family is in another Country, I have no one to count on and I am exhausted. Problem is, if I ask him to do those minor things I am 'having a go at him and I should try work for a living(!!!!)', I feel outraged when he says that because what the hell am I doing every single day??? I'm sorry, I meant to support you but it turned into a bit of a rant as well. I guess we can't have the understanding male we all dream of, they haven't got a clue most of the time it seems and sometimes it is more than OK for us to lose it.

[WantingPink]

I am so sorry you don't feel appreciated at home. That isn't fun at all. DH and I have had our go arounds about this same subject at times although I do think he appreciates me... just has a hard time showing it and takes advantage of the fact that I do and can take care of everything. He has never thrown being a stay at home Mom in my face. He knows that he would have to do more around the house which he doesn't want to do.

When I was about 6 months pregnant with DD1 I remember DH had invited his friends (with two kids) to come and stay with us for a couple of days. Of coarse the house was a mess and I just didn't have the energy it would take to clean everything to get it ready for guests in a day. I knew he wouldn't help me as much as I needed him to and we got into an argument and I was so upset that I just left and stayed in a hotel for the night. Told him I wasn't coming home until after his friends left. He managed to clean the house all by himself and was calling me every 30 minutes begging me to come home. He has actually been a little more helpful since then.

I thin you should go on strike for a weekend. Go stay somewhere and let him do it all by himself.

[jmomof3girls]

You should leave him with the kids more often. My husband wouldn't dare say something like that to my face but there has been times where I know he thinks I might have it easy because the house is always clean and the kids are happy when he comes home from work. I'll leave him with the girls for the day every other Sunday to run my errands and go food shopping and he's always super grateful for me when I get home! It works like a charm!

[Adia]

When I was about 6 months pregnant with DD1 I remember DH had invited his friends (with two kids) to come and stay with us for a couple of days. Of coarse the house was a mess and I just didn't have the energy it would take to clean everything to get it ready for guests in a day. I knew he wouldn't help me as much as I needed him to and we got into an argument and I was so upset that I just left and stayed in a hotel for the night. Told him I wasn't coming home until after his friends left. He managed to clean the house all by himself and was calling me every 30 minutes begging me to come home. He has actually been a little more helpful since then.

:cheer: Good for you!!!

I doubt this will help Mum but I read this article and ended up crying I was laughing so hard. Maybe it will make you laugh too.
Apology To All Stay At Home Moms | Daddy Fishkins (http://www.daddyfishkins.com/apology-stay-at-home-moms/)

[SamS_TTCPink]

Haha!! Love that article, thanks for posting. It sounds like my house but I have double that, plus all their activities and drops offs and pick ups (including DH). Lol! DH really has no idea, and couldn't do it! He can't handle an hour with a couple of the kids if I do go out (always with at least half the kids)!

I picked him up from work last night at 7, he came home had dinner and went back to work (cause he wanted to!) and was there til 4am!! So now he has today off to sleep all day!!! He probably had more sleep than me, as after getting all the kids to bed, cleaning up, spending 5 mins with DS2, dealing with DS1 who has man flu, doing the cleaning up, several loads of washing, feeding all the pets and having a hot choc...I finally got to bed only for DS5 to wake up wanting a drink and needing to go to the toilet, then coming in my bed. Then DS6 waking up several times screaming and also coming in my bed, the cats were up and down and up and down and then once deciding to sleep on my bed, were getting cranky every time I moved....then they all finally fell asleep and DH walked in making so much noise, waking everyone up so it all started again and he went to bed! He then slept whilst I had DS5 and 6 all over me, the cats at my feet, and couldn't sleep anyway cause I was now cross at DH! 3hrs later I was up making breakfasts and lunches, getting all the kids ready, changing and dressing DS6, cleaning up the mess from their breakfast, feeding the meowing cats, making sure everyone had the right uniform, their homework, their readers, lunches, drinks, hats, shoes on!! Fought with DS5 about what he was having for breakfast and then getting everyone out and in the car on time for the several different school drop offs!

Now I'm home, spending 5 mins having a coffee, cleaning up a mug DS6 just broke on our tiles, taking the bins out before the truck comes and making DS5 & 6 morning tea. Still have to clean out the cat litter, do more washing and hang it out, fold up the dry washing, clean the kitchen again...all before it's time to get their lunch.

And DH shuts our bedroom door so he can sleep, muttering some rubbish about the kids making noise!! 😠😠

[SamS_TTCPink]

Whilst cleaning out the cat litter DS6 decided to undress himself and empty out the Tupperware drawer!! 😜

[Boysway]

OMG, that is insane Mumofsix! Your hubby really needs to wake up to what is going on around him! I wish I lived closer to help you out.

[myurkanin817]

I'm sorry Hun. My dad never appreciated my mom and she got real tired of it and left him when I was 8 years old. He was cheating and abusive too though. But I hope you're feeling better and if you ever need to chat I'm here. Hold your head up sweetie! :bighug:

[WantingPink]

Seriously Mum... you are too nice. If my DH ever said that I achieved nothing since I decided to be a stay at home Mom I would have freaked out on him. Then I would have said have fun doing "nothing" and I would have been out of there. Men like your DH need a good shock to the system to get them out of the fantasy world they live in.

[myurkanin817]

You said this 100% perfect. When I hurt my knee in February and was on crutches for a month hubby had to do everything around the house including taking care of the animals. 5cats sons 2 dogs. Plus all the cooking and cleaning. He was so stressed but it showed him what I do all day while he's working. You need to let hubby do it all for a few days send he will appreciate you more!!



Seriously Mum... you are too nice. If my DH ever said that I achieved nothing since I decided to be a stay at home Mom I would have freaked out on him. Then I would have said have fun doing "nothing" and I would have been out of there. Men like your DH need a good shock to the system to get them out of the fantasy world they live in.

[myurkanin817]

5 cats and two dogs** sorry. Autocorrect lol. :hair: