EXTREME Gender Envy and Desire

[crazydesperatelady]

My best friend and I both wanted daughters, as our families are very boy-heavy.
We ended up giving birth to boys within months of each other, around 3 years ago. Needless to say we are both madly in love with our little dudes.
Now she is pregnant again and my DH and I are supposed to start TTCing in 2 months time. She has just announced after her 20 week scan that she is having a baby girl. She is beyond ecstatic and so is her husband and the entire family. She was literally the only person I knew that did not have a DD yet. So now it is just me and the pressure I feel "to join the club" is enormous. It like it has just multiplied 10 times. My husband does not want more than 2 children and I am already in my 30s so this will be it for me.
I have to admit it here, because there is no one in RL I would dare to divulge it to. I felt so completely gutted after her announcement, I was literally shaking. It was a physical reaction. My heart was pounding when I saw a message from her on my phone. I know this is horrible but there was absolutely nothing I could do to feel any other way. I tried for months to prepare myself for this but it did not work. I counted my blessings, I pretended not to care because it was not my baby and it was all for naught. I still felt totally gutted. Ok, so I am a bad person, but I can't help it. I could have another boy or 2 if there was at least ONE person in my circle of friends that had boys only.
I have researched HT but my husband will never agree to this because there isn't even a guarantee of a pregnancy after you dump in 20,000$. Adoption is just too expensive. All I can afford is Ericsson's, which does not have great success rate, if any.
Throughout my life having first a sister and then a daughter has literally been my biggest dream. I ended up with 2 brothers and my dear little son . My friends announcement and my reaction to it made me realize how desperate I really am about this. The love I feel for my son is simply overwhelming but I would also give an arm and a leg to have a little girl.. If you offered me a million dollars OR a girl of my own, I would choose the latter without any hesitation. That's how badly I want it. And having to watch everybody get what I want so badly, month after month, just like that, no swaying & no HT is really hard.
I am now enormously anxious about TTC-ing. I cant think about anything else. I feel like having another boy will make me beyond depressed and utterly miserable. I feel like even waiting for gender scan will be torture. On the other hand, I cannot delay this any longer as I am not getting any younger.
Please do not judge me, I wish I wouldnt feel this way, I really do.
If anyone has been through this - everybody around them getting their DG - kindly please offer some advice?

[Little Lunasa]

Although I haven't the words to fully comfort and reassure you, I can tell you without hesitation you have come to the right place for support and advice. You will find tonnes of information and statistics on swaying here, as well as the option to get individual and personal help.
I wish you the best of luck and peace with your decisions xxxx

[Rosie85]

This is the right place to come. I feel exactly the way you do. I too would pass on a million dollars for a daughter. I'm pregnant with my last and if it isn't a girl...I will still love the boy a ton but I will just die of heartbreak for never having a daughter. I get so envious and angry when I see everyone I know get one or more of each. This is a wonderful site and hopefully we can all help you to sway for your dream daughter!

[hotdogz&boyz]

Gosh, I've been in that place. It's a horrible spot to be in :(

When I was pregnant with my second, my cousin was expecting his first with a new lady (he already had children with other women, but not ones he saw much). We were only due a month apart and were both thinking pink. I remember when he texted me to tell me they were having a girl...I was so sad. I just KNEW mine was a boy. And they got exactly what they wanted right off the bat and I wasn't going to. I felt so guilty for not feeling happy for them. Most of my cousins also had mixed gender children, so I was feeling like I would be the only one with a hoard of boys and no daughter. And, I ended up being right, I was having my second son (who ended up being no less than perfectly delightful, of course. But that isn't the issue).

Be gentle with yourself. You can't help being envious. Envy is not a bad emotion. It means we have dreams and goals that are in line with those of other people. It doesn't mean you didn't want HER to get a girl...you just want one ALSO. That is a hugely different thing than wishing her ill and that she didn't get a girl at all. I know you wouldn't be feeling this way if you had a "guaranteed girl" coming down the pike. And that doesn't make you horrible or selfish. It just makes you human.

And this surely is the place to be. Most the women here have experienced desire, disappointment, envy, and sometimes even jealousy (like when someone pops out EXACTLY what they want, in the EXACT order they want it and you are just like....grrrrr, they need to NOT get what they want just once to know how this feels!). No one here is going to judge you for your feelings :)

Have you looked into swaying? Although its not the guarantee that HT would give you, it could make you feel like you at least have the leg up and did what you could to get a daughter. Hang around here for a bit, you'll find out a ton and hopefully you won't feel so alone with that feeling. Hugs.

[Rosie85]

Perfectly said hotdogz.

[crazydesperatelady]

Thanks to all of you kind ladies who took the time to respond! Just knowing I am not the only one in this dark place is comforting. I am already researching swaying and, although I know it does not guarantee anything, at least I will know I did all I possibly could. Yes, of course I would be delighted to hear my friend's news if I only knew i would get a girl one day as well. I really like her and wish her the best. It is not even that I am not happy for her its more like "everyone, absolutely everyone , even her - why not me?" , "is there going to be my turn at last"? Now I also have the feeling that, with all the girls being born somebody finally HAS to have a boy at last. And that's probably going to be me. How many girls in a row can be born? How many PPs can there be in one group of people?
The sheer intensity of this gender desire simply scares me. I am sure one day it is going to end up on some list of psychological disorders, because in my case (as well as in some others I observed, lurking on In gender for example) it is just too all consuming. Heck, what difference does it REALLY make, pink clothes, blue clothes, wee wee, no wee wee, toy trucks and tea party sets. My son loves me just as much as a daughter would and I love him as I would love any girl. So it should NOT matter that much, and yet somehow it does...WHY?
Society /family pressure does not help much either.
If anybody else has a story to share I would love to hear it.
<hugs>

[Rosie85]

Because boys and girls are different. They have a different way of bonding and creating relationships. ..A different way of playing and the relationship between mother and daughter is different than the one between mother and son. We can relate to daughters..we have the same parts, feelings and experiences. I don't want to not experience the pleasure of having a daughter just like I wouldn't not want a son if I had all girls. I'm guessing this is why we feel it as a loss. It just hits some of us harder than others because for some reason perhaps we crave it more.

[sweetdream]

I know how you feel! I count the girls being Born. And think mine must be a boy again. Girls are for everyone but me. I'm pg now with a friend who desperatly wants a girl after 2 sons. I'm making myself think she will get her and I don't. Because Some ppl have all the luck. But I don't.
And then the guilt comes a long because I'm so lucky with my boys and Fam.
I just hope my luck gets completed with one DD.

[Mrs_Incredible]

I think majority of us have felt like you do, myself for many years, it's a hard dream to let go of. I'm having a girl after 3 boys, double the amount of children we imagined having. My boys are loving and wonderful. It was never about them not being good enough, because they're just perfect (for us!). But there was part of me that couldn't understand why not me!?! Even with losses along the way it didn't stop that desire being there. If I could have taken a pill for it to go away I would have because it seemed an unobtainable dream. Even this pg looked like boy #4 at my 12 week scan and I was crushed despite losing my baby at 6 weeks just before this pg. Good luck, you've come to the right place xx


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[trifecta]

You haven't even started TTC yet--you might still realize your dream! It is completely possible for every couple in a group to get a pigeon pair. I know because everyone else in my neighborhood has one! I think swaying is a good choice for you. I personally would buy a sway plan if I was going to TTC--just my 2 cents. :luck:

[SamS_TTCPink]

You are so not a bad person!! Don't ever think that and you really have found the best place for support and understanding as most of us are right there with you in our own ways and one way or another..that's why we're here too! I have six boys and always wanted lots of children, but it never crossed my mind that we could have six children and they all be boys!! And like you, everyone around me has less children but of mixed genders, it just doesn't seem fair. I would pass up a zillion dollars for just one daughter (never at the cost of one of boys though...they're all everything to me 💙).

[blackbekki]

I think most women on this forum have felt the exact same feelings hunni. I have had a daughter but she was a 41 week stillborn passing 3days before. Around the same time she was due everyone I knew was having girls. I never found out the sex as I felt id be disappointed if I found out I was having another boy. Craving 9months of wanting a girl to then give birth to her to hand her straight over is heartbreaking. I did have my little rainbow HE turned one yesterday and not a day goes by were he makes me happy but I do wonder and pray maybe one day I will get a living daughter to dote on. Most people who know me think I should never have one because I'll reject my boys (yes even my own mother said that to me) I never ever would and hope one day god will give me my hearts desire xx


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[MyByC]

Ladies, such beautiful writtings.
We must be positive. We are all here to make our dream come true.
We do our best but nature is nature and I guess we are all lucky in the end cause we get a little bundle of joy...Remember, there are so many women who cant have babies and would do ANYTHING for 6 boys and no girl (my hero mum) :-)
Let's stick to the plan and do our best to get in our life the PINK love.

P.s : You are not a bad person. I think we all been throw same emotions...
My best friend is having her baby girl these days and more then that, she will choose me to baptism her baby...I feel sad and happy same time.

[crazydesperatelady]

To all:
Thank you for your support, I feel much better now. It is amazing that everyone is so supportive. Frankly I was even scared to post this on IG because I was afraid of being bashed. After all, I only have one boy and I'm not even pregnant with my second. Theoretically I have a 50-50 chance, though somehow I do not believe it.
blackbekki,
Your story broke my heart. I'll never understand why such things happen.
I wish all of us get our daughters one day but you above all. Is any form of HT an option for you?
----------
I have had gender desire even before getting married and pregnant. I did not want all girls & exclusively girls, just one would be perfectly fine. But since I married relatively late and because my DH is very adamant about it, I know I have to stop at 2. So the pressure is HUGE.
I have actually postponed TTC for at least a year to make myself OK with the idea of having another boy.
I looked into HT, adoption and all that but I figured that the best and cheapest option would be to "cure" myself out of GD. I would intentionally babysit girls that I knew to be mean, noisy and/or drama queens (no disrespect to anybody with girls, this was just part of my "treatment"). I lurked on gender forums but only read the posts of ladies desperate for sons. I paid close attention when seeing teenage girls who acted and dressed, well, inappropriately for age. I read stories about foreign countries where ladies who give birth to boys only are the queens of maternity wards. I studied polls proving that boys are the preferred gender almost everywhere (except here in New York, it seems). I did everything I possibly could to make myself NOT want a girl. And it did work for a while. I clearly remember moments when I was convinced that I was totally OK with another boy, even preferring one.
But after a day or a week or a month this NEED to have a daughter would inevitably come back. A cute girl or a girl outfit, a pink themed baby shower, a birth announcement - these would always set me back. Will nothing "cure" me except for actually having a baby girl? Has anyone actually managed to successfully get rid of this obsession?
At this point I am not even sure I should get pregnant again, with an attitude like this. But if I don't I'll loose my last chance.
I am going to buy membership here and contact various clinics that offer PGD. If I knew one cycle would work maybe I could scramble the money somehow, but I am almost 35 so what are the chances of 1 IVF being successful?


THANK YOU FOR READING MY RANTS....Any other bright ideas would be appreciated

[blackbekki]

We are trying gender sway hoping maybe one day. The loss did break our family apart after a year and our newborn but we are better now x


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[MyByC]

Crazydesperatelady, I contacted several clinics for pgd and all said I might need more cycles(I'm 27) ..it's expansive and my DH does not agree. In the end, nature should tell it's word. My hubby says if we do this it means we dont trust God...and he is not into churches every week.
I do trust GD and I would advice you take a personalised plan.
I think you'll increase your girl chances if you follow it.
Good luck.

[SamS_TTCPink]

I think most women on this forum have felt the exact same feelings hunni. I have had a daughter but she was a 41 week stillborn passing 3days before. Around the same time she was due everyone I knew was having girls. I never found out the sex as I felt id be disappointed if I found out I was having another boy. Craving 9months of wanting a girl to then give birth to her to hand her straight over is heartbreaking. I did have my little rainbow HE turned one yesterday and not a day goes by were he makes me happy but I do wonder and pray maybe one day I will get a living daughter to dote on. Most people who know me think I should never have one because I'll reject my boys (yes even my own mother said that to me) I never ever would and hope one day god will give me my hearts desire xx


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I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. You are amazing to have gone on to have your little man and now TTC again. I really hope you get another daughter.

And I can't believe your mum would say that to you!! After what you've been through too, how horrible!!! People just don't understand that Gender Desire doesn't come at the cost of the love we have for our other children. I am so in love with my boys and wouldn't change them for the world, if I had 10 of them, I'd love them all!! And wanting or having a daughter would never change the love I have for my boys. She would be pretty spoilt by her big brothers though. 😉

[Mrs_Incredible]

What a heartbreaking thing to have lost your daughter so tragically. I'm so sorry for your loss. As mumofsix said, that's an awful thing for people to think and say to you. I think that for me, I will feel even more protective of my 3 boys and making sure they know they are loved (as I do do already!), because I never want them to think that their sister is more important than them. They are my world, always have been, always will be. Hugs xx


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[3BoysBlessed]

I've been there-that gut wrenching feeling hurts. It hurts worst because you want to feel happy for them and it feels awful😔I have to just adore my three beautiful boys all the more. I think about some really special and adorable or sweet things they have done or moments, or personality traits of theirs and my heart just fills up with happiness again. That's is what gets my head back on straight and I sometimes just avoid situations with too many little girls or parents who tend to play up that they have girls...we all know at least one that does this, unfortunately:/ Also, reminding myself that these little innocent beings that we create out of love are all just little human beings regardless of gender they are all wonderful and I know that God has given them to me for a reason. There is nothing that could take that joy away. Focus on that and that is what I do and it makes me feel like I should- happy and so grateful. I know it is so hard, but focus on what brings you joy:)


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[2boysJustOneGirl]

I feel the same way you do. It's so isolating. Some days I am beyond depressed, other days I am just angry. It can be so consuming and deep down I know it is likely to destroy me yet I can't seem to let it go. I have read a post recently that the emotions of GD are similar to infertility and in a way I feel they are likely worse because of the guilt we also feel. We have children, shouldn't we be happy for that?


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[luckyfourleafclover]

I can only repeat what the others have already said. You are NOT a bad person. I feel the same way as you, just like hundreds of others here. On here where we can be totally honest without being judged. If you look at my past posts you will see how I felt when my sister had a DD last Aug…GD is a total f***ing nightmare!

I wish you strength and a successful sway.

[Orchidia]

Just wanted to say that I can relate too. I have tried a lot of the stuff you mentioned in your "treatment" plan, with the same results you had. I've tried regular talk therapy, but it didn't help much, it was not specific enough. I'm now looking into hypnotherapy to try to "re-program" me out of GDe, esp the feeling inferior to ppl who have mixed genders. If anyone has any other advice of things that helped them overcome this beast, please share them.

I have to say I am luckier in a way bc I know lots of boy-only moms of my generation and the one before (some admitted to having GD, others not). I even know a few who had a preference for boys, which I thought was impossible for women!

As for infertility, I would def say it's the same kind of feeling, but of a lesser intensity. Not being able to have ANY kids would be a LOT worse for me.