Where do I go now?

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Every month as PMS sets in I can't help but take a few steps back. Just after the feel good hormones of ovulation hit I talk myself into TCC and begin praying for my girl. And then those few precious days pass and doubt settles in again. Doubt about which route to take, where to go from here. Do I accept my fate as a boy mom? Do I dare sway for my girl and pray the Gods are gentle with me? Or do I prepare for financial burden and ride the HT dragon with a certain uncertainty?
How to proceed? My DS2 is 10 months old. He and his brother are 21 months apart. If I did conceive now I would be reliving the hard days I just went through with babies so close together. I am 33. I feel like time is ticking, like I cannot live another moment without my baby girl, like I have wasted so many hours already grieving and breaking bit by bit. I just want her. I am tired of waiting!

Needless to say ladies, the low times can be pretty bad can't they? One day at a time I suppose. I am going back to work soon and I am hoping that will provide enough distraction from all this shit. I am sick to death of what GD has taken from me and I honestly hate myself sometimes for allowing myself to fall into this.

Anyway just a rant sesh. 😩I could use some advice ladies.


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[jmomof3girls]

If you could afford HT I would go for it.

[Dana-Alicia]

I feel exactly the same, unfortunately. Some day's I just think flip it, I'm doing this now, lets just do it and make this baby already and pray for a girl. But then i get scared and imagine my life with 3 boys and no girl (my DH doesn't want more kids but says yes to ONE more to shut me up lol) and I know I will be gutted. I would love a third boy just as much as I love my first two. Cause to be honest, I make freaking awesome and handsome kids if I may say so myself :p But I just want my little girl and I want her now. Not next year or even in 2 years, now!! But we decided on the HT route and we need to save up. I'm 30 now, time is ticking for HT, but I just don't have another option. I won't put my family in more debt because of my selfish desire to have a girl (DH and I both have huge studyloans) so I will work hard and save up for it. And hope and pray it will work for us. I can't even begin to think about the moment if it doesn't work, as it's a real possibility. I wish we could quickly take a peek into the future and see what's in store for us. If we just knew she was definitely coming, I'm sure we would be alright now. So sometimes I allow myself to daydream and assure myself she is coming. It helps me cope. But not always, especially in those nasty PMS days. That's why this forum is so great, venting really does help. Good luck mama, I hope you get your little girl soon!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

The thing about HT is we would have to travel almost 2000 miles to get to the closest place that does PGD. We live in northern Canada. If we lived closer I would be certainly be leaning more this way. The cost of the procedure is only a part of the financial burden we would endure. And if I needed more than one cycle...OMG I cannot imagine the stress of time away from home and work, let alone the cost of travel back and forth. We might as well live in Australia!

Thanks Dana Alicia. Misery loves company and I am so glad I found company here. It's a disappointment I never imagined possible when we started our family. I always said I didn't care what gender I had until I found out DS2 was a boy...since then my marriage and my emotional well-being has suffered so much. My husband is so supportive, I don't know if other men would tolerate my depression and I try to remember that as I hit bottom, again.


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[MatildaMai]

I have some advice for you. Don't let go of your dream. 33 is not old. In the IVF world its like being a teenager! I actually live in Australia and yes there is the stress and added cost of travel but its totally manageable. It really is. A lot of people make the first trip a holiday with the kids and DH leaves a sample in case its needed for a future cycle so DH never needs to go back. For me the stress of a sway and waiting to see if it works - would be harder to cope with.

I know how tired you are of waiting. God I was too. But try to enjoy your little ones now. HT will still be there in a couple of years. There have been so many amazing advances in the last couple of years with PGD and freezing that success rates are fantastic. And in a couple more years I'd hope it will be even better and perhaps more affordable. But in the meantime save like crazy! Adding another baby when your boys are 3 and 5 will be tonnes easier. My twin boys were 4.5yo when my DD eventually arrived (I started my HT journey when they were 1). And its been the best thing ever. They were at 4yo kinder and then school so it was a lot easier than having them all at home.

Also a supportive DH is half the battle. I had such a hard time convincing DH to have another as I was in my late 30s. And these last 2yrs - the 1st 2yrs of my DDs life - have been tough. But the minute she was born the monster that is GD disappeared. And it was worth everything. Even the risk to my marriage to pursue it. Good luck MMx

[Jany1025]

I agree, 33 is like 22 in IVF!! I had my HT DD at 41 (using own eggs)... Your post struck a nerve, GD is absolute torture, I just could not even fathom going the rest of my life in this state of mind! Horrible!! My heart goes out to you.. I always said I would live in a cardboard box if I had to just to get her!! DH and I worked 6-7 days a week for over 3 years to cycle so much, it took me longer because I needed to avoid a genetic condition so half of my embryos would be affected hence not usable...

Do you what you have to, to try and make it happen.. yes sometimes dreams do come true!!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate your advice. I am completely confused and so undecided about everything. I think maybe the best thing I can do right now is wait. Just wait. Perhaps when the timing is right I will know what the right thing to do is. For now, maybe my inability to make a choice about this is leading me away from a bad decision???

I really hate that this has consumed so much of me and changed who I am forever. It's affected my relationships with other mothers, my husband and my kids. I hate who I have become and I want this to be over! I can't even speak to my sister anymore because she has two girls (and a boy). I have to distance myself from her and others because it's just too painful and not to mention I hate them! They got their girls and didn't have to suffer through any of this emotional chaos and I cannot stand to be around "those" moms.


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[1+2+3boys]

I can so relate 2boysjust1girl and Dana-Alicia. DP has agreed to HT. I need for this to work which is why I am not swaying and I know with how busy that I am now that I can not handle more then one more and I can't even imagine how much extra work 4 kids would be and then still not having my GD cured. It would make the hard times sooooo much harder.
I have to save for it. We live in NZ which is even further than Australia! I am praying by the time we can do it that Australia lifts the ban but I doubt it. Still posible though and that would make things 100 times easier.

Deciding to do HT brought me some peace but it is still hard. I want my girl now. Why can't I just have gotten her and my life would be so much easier? It makes me mad how others just got it so easily. I will have to wait at least two years, maybe more. I am lucky being only 26 so I feel like I may get lucky first cycle but I may not and even if it does it is still so much money we will have to save and right now we are at zero. From what I have read though, it is so worth waiting for. I just try to focus on what I have now and that it will be nice to have a break before I get so busy with another child.

[monkeysnuffer]

I agree. If you have the means to persue this dream, I would go for it! Good luck

[BrightSky]

Who knows what the future holds, she very well maybe there waiting for you! I sometimes get really down too thinking I will never have a DD, but try to remember that we live in a day and age where science can give us certainty on gender. Enjoy your little boys, save like crazy and don't let go of your dream!

[Dana-Alicia]

Hugs to all mama's here. I do however think it's possible to move on from GD or make it a whole lot easier untill you can move forward. With the years I have come to accept this is my life and I have no daughter (anymore) in it. That is hurting a lot. And I resented a lot of people who did get their daughters or have one of each. Now that feeling has lifted since I realized that I don't care anymore what other people get. What they get, is not mine. They are not getting my daughter, not my baby. So I am not jealous. Just take some time to really look at other people's lives, do you really want what they have? Do you want their kids? Their husband? Their house? Their debt, mess, inlaws, sadness, joy, grief, family etc? My answere has always been no. Because no matter how fabulous someone's life may seem, the grass really isn't greener on their side ;) Look at your own kids, look at their little faces, smell their hair, watch them play in the mud, watch them explore the world. Really be mindful about it. Watch your husband and feel the pride of having a son who looks like him, who has the ability to grow up like him and you, a beautiful mix between mom and dad. Work on your bound with your kids and your husband. Go out to the park, go for long walk, draw, bake, play dress up. And ensure quality time with each child individually and with your husband alone. Your family is so beautiful and they are all yours! A girl will hopefully be added to your family one day. And untill then enjoy life now. I know it sounds so easy and I know it's not. I have to work on it every day, as I am prone to depression myself. But I refuse to let GD take over the best years of my life. Of my kids life. Our time will come, we will not give up on our dreams. Untill then: love what you do have. So one day you can look back and be happy, no regrets.

[BrightSky]

Wise words Dana-Alicia x

[Dana-Alicia]

Thanks, I have my moments every now and then ;) I hope it doesn't come across as 'be thankfull for what you have cause other people don't have kids at all' because that's not what I mean. It has really helped me cope with the absence of a daughter in my life and to enjoy my little boys to the fullest. Especially when I see other people's daughters with snotty noses, shreeking in a high pitched voice or being bitchy and demanding. I think 'eeewww so glad you're not mine!' and then I happily wipe my sons snotty nose and deal with his tantrums and demands. Cause ey that snot is not nearly as yukky as someone else's snot. And his behavior is not narly as annoying as others people's kids behavior. He's my kid! So no, not an inch of jealousy towards other people. My kids are the bomb! Whom currently exploded toys all over the livingroom floor, sigh...

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Lol. Very wise words indeed. What annoys me about these women is they bitch about motherhood and have NO IDEA how bad it may be for others. With all the triumphs and tribulations of being a mom, they are not also dealing with GD and have no damn idea how tough some days can be. These moms are the least grateful and make it difficult for me to accept what is.
You are right tho...I generally dislike most peoples children regardless of the family dynamic they come from and GD only makes it worse! I tend to steer clear of PP moms like they have the plaque. I don't mind moms of only girls as I feel more equivalent around them. Let's face it...if you are as sensitive and intuitive as I am, PP moms are a lot to handle and I apologize in advance for offending anybody with that statement. It's no personal, I would likely be smug too if I was so lucky to have one of each.
Anyway I don't think it's jealously that is the thing with me. It is more anger and that feeling of "why not me". I don't want their life. I want the life I have dreamed of.




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[Dana-Alicia]

And you should have the life you dreamed of! That's why this site is here, to make dreams come true. Those smug moms will always find a way to make others feel less then they are. That is because some people like to feel superior than others. But isn't it really sad to have to act like that? I feel sorry for those women. How low must a person feel to have to put others down to help themselves up? Think about that! And know they are really not as happy and smug as they want you to think they are. Trust me, I've seen so many fairytale lives around me fall apart. People only show you what they want you to see. And the trick is not to give them permission to make you feel less. GD is a form of depression and it makes it hard to cope with life filled woth school runs, packing lunches, wiping bums, ugh taking care of kids is really exhausting. And it's too easy to think 'Betty Sue' has a perfect life with her PP. Cause you know what? Her husband is so busy working overtime lately, never helping her out with the kids and his clothes smelling like another womens perfume when he comes home... So she feels like crap. What does she do? She likes to pretend all is fine, stamping on others people's toes in the meantime in her facade. But it's not all fine and dandy. Everyone has their own battles. I'm sure I will still complain about being exhausted when my girl is here. I will bitch about so much more (PINK!) laundry. And nag about her teeting and biting my nipples. And wish for her to just go to sleep already. Cause motherhood is hard. But sheesh at least we don't have those little brats from across the road. That boy and girl are just so spoiled. And what goes on behind their doors, nobody knows. So i try to be kind to everyone. My life is not a competition, I wish everyone well. And I hope everyone understands my kids are the best and they'll have to make do with the kids they were given :giggle: (I'm just kidding, I hope every mother feels as strongly about her kids as I do, if not, fake it till you make it. It's never to late to bound and realise your kid is awesome! and also accept the fact my kids can be total shites sometimes).

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I love my boys. They have shown me more love than I ever imagined and bonding with them isn't a chore. I love being with them... All of that is separate from my desire for a daughter although I think my relationship with them may be different once I have her. I think I will love them more clearly, without the fogginess and grief that GD had laid upon me. You know what I mean?

Where will you cycle Dana-Alicia?


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[Dana-Alicia]

Of course you love your boys! I think you describe it well, you can prob see it more clear without the burdon GD laying on you. That's why I pretend it's a sure thing, I will have a daughter. It helps lift my mood. It helps me enjoy my life more now, cause I know this is not all, there is so much more in store for us.

I will prob cycle in Czech, I'm in Western Europe, so don't have many options as it's illegal here. It's also illegal in Czech, but there are ways around the law... I hope :) But if money wasn't an issue, I would either cycle with dr. Potter or Dr. Braverman, as I have immune issues. I'm counting on several cycles as I think my illness can cause problems. So we'll need to do a few trial and errors and see what works for me. In Czech it's more affordable, about 5000 euro including meds if I'm not mistaken.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Well I hope you get your dream too! I need to embrace my life, believe I will get my girl and just move forward. I seriously hope that once I am back at work I can think less about this and appreciate my babies and husband more.


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