Confused about family size

[Midwest_Complex]

We have 2 daughters. I love having 2 kids. I love the idea of having extra money and space. Going from 1 child to 2 was a very easy natural decision.

Going from 2 to 3 has DH & I so confused. I want kids close in age..my youngest is 2.5 now so if we do decide for another .I want it to happen soon. I just can't get over the reality of another child. My girls use up all of my time & energy and some days I know for sure I could never handle a 3rd. I'm scared I will regret not having a 3rd.. but I also am scared it will ruin our already great family dynamic.

I worry a lot about overpopulation and feel i should do my share and accept my 2 healthy beautiful kids and move on. But it hurts so bad wanting a boy...and then there's that..I am afraid i will be so depressed if I hear girl. That's not fair for the future baby at all. I just don't know..any tips or advice from anyone who had a hard time going from 2 to 3 kids?

[Pebbles&BamBam]

We are in the same boat, 2 vs. 3, but I think at the end of the day, we will go for baby 3 when the time comes. My DD brings our family so much joy, and although we are only 6 weeks prego with DS, I can't imagine this being it.

[nuthinbutpink]

That's difficult to answer for someone I think. I always wanted 3 kids. I never wanted just two. Would things be easier with just 2? Absolutely! Lots of things change when you go from 2 to 3 because you become a family of 5. If you travel, a typical hotel room may not work for you anymore. If you go out to eat, you have to wait for the "big table". You will also have a "middle child".

I come from a large family and ALL of my childhood memories circle around the fact that there were always lots of people around and I loved it. I love family. It has made me who I am today.

A friend of mine that is married to a man that has one brother and no other siblings once told me that although she loved his parents, when they went over to their home or got together for a birthday or holiday, if his brother could not come, it was very boring because it was just them and she came from a family of 4 kids and they preferred to go to her parents for holidays, etc. That has always stuck with me!

I have done some flying over the middle section of the US and if you look down, there sure is a lot of open land! I am not really concerned about overpopulation. I added 4 to it!

[jmomof3girls]

I can tell you about my experience. I got pregnant with DD3 when DD2 was only 8 months old. I was using the pull out method and avoided DTD during my fertile days and somehow still managed to get pregnant with her (must have been a long cut-off). I was pretty upset when I found out because I only wanted 2 kids at the time. My DH was thrilled thinking that he might have a chance for a boy. I didn't care about the gender, I was just terrified of having 3 kids. Well, fast forward almost 2 years and my precious DD3 is my most affectionate and loving child. She the only mommy's girl. DD1 is more of a grandma's girl and DD2 Is more of a daddy's girl. Earlier today, when she came and gave me a big kiss, I was thinking.... I couldn't imagine life without her. She's so darn sweet and I'm glad she's a girl! I feel guilty for being upset when I found out I was pregnant with her.
For me, going from 2-3 kids was a BIG change! I'm not going to say it's easy because it isn't always easy. It's been challenging but more fun!

On another note. I completely understand your feelings about not having a boy next. I'm feeling the same way. I wouldn't be mad or sad if I had 4 girls but I think I'd be sad if I never get the boy I want so so bad!!

[Midwest_Complex]

Thanks for the replies!

Nuthinbutpink- I come from a big family and I do love the sense of family feeling. Holidays and get togethers are fun and conversations are always interesting. I do want that so bad, but I am just so afraid for some reason.

Jana- awww!! Seriously, my oldest is a daddys girl and my youngest is pure mama's girl. I am the light of her life and it breaks ny heart thinking about having another girl. I just don't want her to ever feel replaced. The bond I share with her makes me SO sad because i dont share it with DD1. But she has an amazing bond with DH so I cant feel too bad. A boy would just be the easiest solution lol. I hope we both get our little guys.

[Jany1025]

I am the opposite, I am an ONLY child, can be very lonely, though I have AMAZING friends lets face it around the holidays they are doing the "family" thing and yes we have been over to a good friends home for the holidays quite a few times..my family such as grandparents, aunts, cousins live a 7 hour drive away. My DH family, very small and they are a hot mess... So this dynamic fuels our our desire for more children!

To be honest, I found it extremely hard to go from 1 to 2 children it took me practically 18 months to adjust, even almost 4 years to lose the baby weight! Well now I have 3 including a 9 month old, and even though I work full time I feel good, I found that having 3 has forced me to be even more ORGANIZED which makes my life so much easier. We feel like "we've got this" and are cycling for #4!!

Good Luck!

[1+2+3boys]

I can't tell you what it is like to go from 2-3 sorry as I had twins second time around but I am going to have to have more than I wanted (3) to get a girl. I want her so much it hurts and only want another child to have a girl. I don't just want a baby. After thinking I may have gotten pregnant I felt sick having not swayed and the thought of all the extra hard work of a baby and more kids and still not getting my girl. That is why I have decided that I can not take chances and will be doing IVF with PGD overseas in 1-2 years when we have the money to ensure a girl. Goodluck, no matter what you do it is a huge descission to make

[Dreamofpink]

I have three boys and the love just multiplies with each one. The dynamics between the kids is incredible & I totally get how some people get hooked on having babies ;)
Don't get me wrong I'm scared that I'll never have my DD, but if it means having a big family full of boys and love - well that in itself is a huge blessing. :D
It is hard work having 3 but I often wonder if the elderly ladies that so often stop to coo at ds3 miss their baby days. That is enough to make me enjoy this time as much as possible through my matchstick-propped eyelids! ;)

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[jmomof3girls]

Midwest, I'm glad to have you on this site! We think alike in many ways! And YES! A boy would be a great solution! :happy:

[jmomof3girls]

1+2+3boys- good luck!! HT is a great choice!
DreamingPink- I hope you have a daughter. And I agree, having 3 of 1 gender is amazing!

[mommymachine]

Going from 2-3 was my easiest transition. It was wonderful and natural and just all fell into place. I have 5 and am planning on having another one. Most of the comments above have echoed my thoughts on why I want a "big" family. To be surrounded by life and love and yes a little bit of chaos.

[kitkat18]

What a lovely thread!! I am really looking forward to having three and your experiences made me smile!! Xxx
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[oncue]

Hi Midwest, we were the same, we have 2 DDs and we were unsure of whether to try for number 3. Our DDs are close in age and it has been a relatively easy and fun journey for us so far. So when we finally decided to try for 3, we were always hoping for a boy, but had to accept that as far as nature goes, we had to be prepared and happy for a DD3. Once we did that we actually felt really comfortable moving forward with trying. We fell pregnant pretty quickly and found out we are having our DS in Jan. We are pretty excited that he is a boy, but I think that most importantly, we accepted that there was every chance we wld have a girl and wld be happy with that. Both our girls are so different and so wonderful, and I think that each little person that comes along, boy or girl, will bring something special of their own. As soon as we found out we were pregnant we just knew this baby was meant to be part of our family. We are all so excited, even DD2 who is still under 2yo loves chatting away to my belly! X

[ELP]

Just a quick extra note on the over population guilt:) We have 10 so have added one or two extra's ;) but I can honestly say that so far my brood has caused less of a carbon footprint than alot of 1 or 2 child families whose children are showered with everything brand new! My house is almost like the local recycling centre with everybody dropping off there 'old' clothes and toys, regularly with the labels still on! So just make sure that if you do feel bad about adding another one that you say to yourself that you are going to do it all secondhand and maybe even make sure to do things like holiday at home instead of foreign holidays and walk for the extra smaller journeys, your one little extra will most probably not make that much of a difference when compared to the massive damage that happens daily in the industries that are already running to keep us humans in the lazy lifestyles we have become dependant on!!:bigsmile:

[1+2+3boys]

I'm going to use 100% cloth nappies and breast pads if I get my DD and also upcycle old things to make into her clothes which should be alot of fun. I want to make a vegie garden too. I always fancied being an eco Mum but never had time with the twins so would love to go all out next time! I love what is good for the earth but is more about the money will be spending doing HT that I feel I need to make up for

[Mamato3?]

I can totally relate with you Midwest.
Pretty soon after I had DD2 I decided I'm fine with my family as it is and didn't think of a 3rd child until recently.
I know that it will be hard, especially now that my DDs are older and I have a more relaxed lifestyle then when they were toddlers.
Having a baby is a blessing, but also hard because it needs everything we have in us for the first years of its life. And I also stress over the possibility that it will be another girl. I wish I could convince my DH to go HT, but he is against it :sigh:
But I know that if I don't at least try one last time I will always think back and regret it, whereas I will never regret a new baby even if it is my 3rd DD :heart:

[atomic sagebrush]

That's difficult to answer for someone I think. I always wanted 3 kids. I never wanted just two. Would things be easier with just 2? Absolutely! Lots of things change when you go from 2 to 3 because you become a family of 5. If you travel, a typical hotel room may not work for you anymore. If you go out to eat, you have to wait for the "big table". You will also have a "middle child".

I come from a large family and ALL of my childhood memories circle around the fact that there were always lots of people around and I loved it. I love family. It has made me who I am today.

A friend of mine that is married to a man that has one brother and no other siblings once told me that although she loved his parents, when they went over to their home or got together for a birthday or holiday, if his brother could not come, it was very boring because it was just them and she came from a family of 4 kids and they preferred to go to her parents for holidays, etc. That has always stuck with me!

I have done some flying over the middle section of the US and if you look down, there sure is a lot of open land! I am not really concerned about overpopulation. I added 4 to it!

:agree: LOVE! I have looked into the "overpopulation" issue extensively (since we get tons of criticism because of our 5) and research is indicating that in many countries (the ones that most of us are from) the real issue within our children's lifetimes is going to be UNDERpopulation, not overpopulation. Lots of people aren't having the replacement level of children and in countries like Germany and Japan this is getting to critical levels.

Have you taken a look at the rest of your family to see if you really even are contributing to overpopulation?? I know that in my family, since the turn of the century, the number of people on the planet that are related to my husband and I either by marriage or genetics, has plummeted to practically nothing. So everyone looks at us and is all like, "ew, 5 kids" but it's like our family size overall is about 1/5 of what it was even a generation ago. His sister, my sister and her husband, his aunt and her spouse and his uncle, my stepmom's brother, and several of my great-aunts had/have NO kids (there were also several others I'll omit LOL because this is getting overly complicated) My grandpa adopted my dad as a baby when he married my grandma and they were unable to have kids together. Then my uncles, my brother, my grandma, my stepmom and several of our aunts/uncles, great aunts/uncles, cousins, etc only had one, as have several of our friends. So I am sorry I am just not buying that my family size has any bearing whatsoever on the world's population!!! We are a drop in the bucket of what we were 40 years ago!

[atomic sagebrush]

Just a quick extra note on the over population guilt:) We have 10 so have added one or two extra's ;) but I can honestly say that so far my brood has caused less of a carbon footprint than alot of 1 or 2 child families whose children are showered with everything brand new! My house is almost like the local recycling centre with everybody dropping off there 'old' clothes and toys, regularly with the labels still on! So just make sure that if you do feel bad about adding another one that you say to yourself that you are going to do it all secondhand and maybe even make sure to do things like holiday at home instead of foreign holidays and walk for the extra smaller journeys, your one little extra will most probably not make that much of a difference when compared to the massive damage that happens daily in the industries that are already running to keep us humans in the lazy lifestyles we have become dependant on!!:bigsmile:

:agree: The ones who are the most critical of family size are often the ones driving their SUV to Starbucks for a latte 2x a day!

[Midwest_Complex]

Thanks for replies ladies! We're a pretty crunchy family, we BF, CD, & I obviously reuse all my kids stuff since my girls are only 2.5 yrs apart.

I feel this extreme guilt for wanting more kids. It's weird :/

A lot of these replies really has DH & I talking though. I don't think i want just 2 kids. I just need some CLEAR sign that having a 3rd is the right thing. Hoping i get it soon lol!

[Junie]

Well I think the main thing you have to ask yourself is how would you feel if you couldn't have a third? Could you live with that? Would you be happy? For me what it came down to is I absolutely can't see our family being complete with 2. I love the two we have so much and watching them together, interacting as a family, etc and I really want to add another child to the mix. Honestly I wouldn't mind adding two more to the mix but I'm having trouble enough convincing DH for #3 :D.

While I would prefer a girl I absolutely would love a boy just as much. I don't mind waiting a bit longer even though it isn't my "ideal spacing". Basically I just have a deep desire and feel in my heart that three would be beneficial for our family (for everyone not just me). Plus I live in Germany where the population is shrinking so that doesn't affect my choice.

I'm not sure where your guilt comes from- do you live in an area where everyone only has 1-2 children?

[Mamato3?]

In a few decades we will populate Mars, so don't worry about overpopulation :rofl:
Seriously though, don't worry about it, the planet can sustain us all just fine!!!

[Midwest_Complex]

Junie- I had a perfect pregnancy with DD1. With DD2 I had a mild placenta abruption and preterm labor at 33 weeks. I was on bedrest in hospital and at home until 40 weeks. It really messed me up mentally. I feel like I got so lucky to come out healthy and with a healthy baby. I'm scared it will happen again (there's a 1/10 chance my midwife said) & I just get scared thinking about bedrest with 2 kids or worse if I die & my girls have no mother all because I "want" a boy.. :/

[Mamato3?]

Junie- I had a perfect pregnancy with DD1. With DD2 I had a mild placenta abruption and preterm labor at 33 weeks. I was on bedrest in hospital and at home until 40 weeks. It really messed me up mentally. I feel like I got so lucky to come out healthy and with a healthy baby. I'm scared it will happen again (there's a 1/10 chance my midwife said) & I just get scared thinking about bedrest with 2 kids or worse if I die & my girls have no mother all because I "want" a boy.. :/

Midwest I have had 2 c-sections and during the first I had bleeding that barely got away with it before blood transfusion.
We share the same thoughts and fears as far as labour is concerned.
But everybody, everyday faces lifethreatening dangers or have accidents out of the blue, we cannot let our fears dictate our lives.
If it is our time something will happen anyway, I don't mean to be macabre, I just want to say that personally I have chosen to live everyday to the max, one never knows what tomorrow holds..
Also regarding bedrest, the first couple of weeks after a c-section are very difficult. I could not get up from the bed without holding on somewhere.
But you know, we didn't make the children alone, our DHs helped and they should help also after birth, especially when physically we are facing problems.
I wish you the best whatever you decide!!!

[Dana-Alicia]

OMG girls!! Now I want more kids too lol! I come from a family with 4 kids and my dad has a massive (catholic ;)) family and I loved growing up in a big family. On holidays and birthdays our house is always cramped with loved ones and I find that such a blessing (and such a nuisance at times with all the drama that tends to go around every now and then ugh). I want the same for my kids... So hoping my sisters will make lots of babies as well, but I doubt it to be honest. DH only ever wanted two kids, I always wanted 3: 2 girls and one boy. Now my ideal family would be my two boys and two girls to add to that. But DH says NO :( I can only have one more and that is a stretch for him already. But one step at a time, he will come around I'm sure ;) How to handle 3 (or 4) kids at once, I don't know lol it seems hard. But I do believe your heart expands with every child and you just make it work.

[Junie]

Midwest I understand your fears now! In your position I guess I would do more research. How often is placenta abruption fatal for the mom or baby. Is there anything they can do to monitor or prevent it? If those numbers or odds weren't totally against you I would just consider it a normal risk of pregnancy and life. What does your doctor think?

[Midwest_Complex]

Full on placenta abruption is usually almost always fatal for baby. It can cause major hemorrhage complications for mom & her risk of death is higher. Thankfully i only had a MILD PA, but it could have went to full at any given time so I was SO scared nonstop. There's a 1/1000 chance for regular women I think* & 1/10 chance for a repeat placenta abruption. I didn't have any of the risk (I dont smoke or do drugs) so it was just totally randon which my dr says sadly does happen :/

[Junie]

Then if I were you, I guess I would look at it as a very unlucky thing which happened to you but not something which you are going to allow to change the way you want to live your life. But that is just me you have to make the choices which you will feel comfortable with and can live with. Good luck and big hugs!:heart:

[1+2+3boys]

Well I think the main thing you have to ask yourself is how would you feel if you couldn't have a third? Could you live with that? Would you be happy? For me what it came down to is I absolutely can't see our family being complete with 2. I love the two we have so much and watching them together, interacting as a family, etc and I really want to add another child to the mix. Honestly I wouldn't mind adding two more to the mix but I'm having trouble enough convincing DH for #3 :D.

While I would prefer a girl I absolutely would love a boy just as much. I don't mind waiting a bit longer even though it isn't my "ideal spacing". Basically I just have a deep desire and feel in my heart that three would be beneficial for our family (for everyone not just me). Plus I live in Germany where the population is shrinking so that doesn't affect my choice.

I'm not sure where your guilt comes from- do you live in an area where everyone only has 1-2 children?

I didn't realise German population was shrinking. My partner is German and he has done his best to contribute so far!

[Junie]

I didn't realise German population was shrinking. My partner is German and he has done his best to contribute so far!

That is for sure :) :)

[atomic sagebrush]

Yes, it's quite a serious issue!! http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/14/world/europe/germany-fights-population-drop.html?pagewanted=all