Why do you want a boy or a girl?

[hanseer]

As I've started TTC, I'm finding myself thinking more and more about a baby girl and how I'd feel if I got an opposite. I really don't want to be plagued with GD and have been trying to rationalize why it is that I want a girl.

I think it comes down to our expectations or fantasies of what that gender (girl, in my case) will bring.

I feel that with a daughter, we (DH and I) will have someone who will remain close to us as I'm super close to my parents. Everyone tells me that boys grow up and become closer to their wife and won't visit or care for their own families. I've seen adult men do that! I'm so scared my DS won't visit us or be close to us when he grows up. It makes me sad even thinking about it. This is actually my biggest fear. That my son will grow up and grow apart from us.

I also want to play dress up and have girly conversations with a DD. Which is quite ironic as I had a very contentious relationship with my mom growing up, it wasn't until my mid-20's that we understood each other better.

I know, I know. There are no guarantees that a girl will be close to us or DS will not be close. Or that DD will want to wear girly clothes. That's what I keep telling myself in case we don't have our DD. Actually, I should probably convince myself of this even if I do have DD.

How about you? Why do you want to have a girl or a boy?

[odd]

For me it was as simple as having a desire to raise one of each gender. I already had a boy so naturally, swayed for a girl

[Nahri]

Raising one of each and that they will be a playmate for one another when I cant be that active with each of them. Im definitely not a girly girl so I don't want a girl for the shopping and dress up etc etc

[covered in blue]

For me it's incredibly complex and I'm not sure I understand it myself most of the time. Stems from childhood abuse issues, and lack of any positive male relationships. My father was around but he is a very practical person. He was never there emotionally. I went to all girls schools. I didn't have anything but female relationships. I even thought I was a lesbian for a while. I want my own little girl so I can create some positive childhood memories with her and the relationship when she is an adult. That said I always wanted a son as well. Probably not for myself as much but definitely for DH so I'd be here swaying for a boy most probably if I had all girls.

[bunnywabbit]

My case is more family balancing. There have been no baby girls born on DH's side of the family (immediate) for over 60 years!

[jmomof3girls]

I would really like to experience raising both genders :happy:

[dakota5176]

It's what you said in the first post. I really want to dress up a baby girl and play dolls. But more importantly Im afraid I won't be able to connect with a boy long term. I'm afraid we won't have anything to bond over when he becomes a young adult and we won't have a relationship when he becomes an adult

[Adia]

For me it is as simple as others have said, their are two possible experiences when it comes to raising children, boys & girls, most of us just want the chance to see both sides.

[Mamato3?]

I would like to have a son so that I can experience the special bond between a mom and her son.
Almost every friend of mine that has a son share a very special relationship with their sons and they adore their moms.
My DDs of course love me very much, but are nuts about their father, so I would like to have the chance to experience what my friends talk about when they describe their relationship with their sons.
I would also like for my DH to have the chance to raise a son cause I admire the man he is and I think his string must continue.

[maidentomother]

My reasoning is complicated. I don't have children yet but having children has always been my biggest life dream. When I was really young I fantasized about having 12 kids (equally split between boys and girls, all were named!) living on a self-sufficient farm in Vermont. I grew up in the US but my parents ars German and Australian and bc they were both the youngest children in their families, and my grandmothers had them in their 40s, I grew up without any extended family on my continent. So I longed for a big family and many cousins, huge thanksgiving meals, etc.

Now I have a farm, in Germany, but my husband (who kept putting off having kids even though I told him I wanted them young) is dead. It's been over 7 years now but I actually feel worse now than I did then, as I realize how well matched we were and how great a thing I lost. And I'm no longer in my 20s, so I feel my youth is gone, too. My dreams are dying and I only hope for 4 children now at most. And since I know so well that life doesn't always turn out how you want, I realize that I can't be sure I will have both girls and boys. And now I desperately want a girl first. The eldest child tends to be most like the dominant parent (I am an oldest child, my only brother is 7 years younger), and I want a daughter like me. I would like another one not like me, too.

Because I have a bad back (severely so), it is possible I will not be able to bear as many children as I'd like. I think having an only child is cruel, and I would prefer 2 daughters if I can only have 2 children, as I never had a sister. I'm not anti-male, but I've always been very pro-female. I also had a very difficult relationship with my mother once I hit puberty, and it became so bad (mostly bc she became psychotic - our whole family avoids her now, too) that we haven't spoken in over 3 years and I have no plans to ever see her again. I would very much like to have a good relationship with daughters of my own, so I can at least enjoy that bond from one side.

So my reasons are definitely selfish, based on fantasy (or on grasping remnants of my former dreams), and also inexplicable. I don't know why I feel SO strongly, especially since I know I will love sons too, but I very much prefer daughters, at least now. I know that may change aftef my first.

[atomic sagebrush]

I have a different take on this because I was happy with my two boys for quite a while and they were adults by the time my daughter came to me so I have really had the experience of raising a boy from start to finish, whereas many of you ladies I know are still "in it" with small boys (who can def. be rambunctious at times) I personally have TONS in common with my sons and we get along great. We like the same books, movies, music, tv, and so on and I really do not imagine how I could possibly BE closer with a daughter than I am to my adult sons.

Re, sons growing up and moving away - first of all, in my family, my husband's family, and our extended family this has NEVER been true. 9 times out of 10 it is the daughters that move away for their or their husband's careers. My dad, my uncle, my husbands dad and uncle, and my stepmother's brother, were all the caretakers for elderly parents while the daughters lived thousands of miles away. And in most Asian countries it is the case that the son is the one who cares for the parents anyway. This is in no way set in stone and does not reflect reality.

Beyond that, as you get older you may find that you are really ok with that anyway. When your kids are small they are your whole world but you may find, as you get older, that you may want more space from your kids anyway. You may not even WANT them to be super close to you. I know my MIL loves us to come visit but she's glad to see us go, too LOL. IT is hard to envision when you're younger, but as you get older it's actually nice to have time to follow your own dreams and pursuits - it is fun to fantasize about shopping trips and going out to lunch and babysitting every day but you may not even want to do those things.

And just like you say, it may very well be that your daughter doesn't get along with you, etc and as we all know that happens in many families. WE hope it won't be ours, but it happens. It would be too bad to get so focused on an imaginary relationship with an imaginary daughter that you could end up missing out on what could be an amazing and close relationship with sons (not saying you are doing that, but I do see so many women think "oh my son only likes Thomas and I hate Thomas so I have to have a daughter". Well, he's 4. When he's 14 or 24 you may find you have much more in common with him!!!)

OK so all that having been said, I did indeed want a daughter. I felt that even though my sons are great and I really enjoy them, there was like 10% of my life experiences that I wanted to share/pass down to a female that they really couldn't relate to. Interestingly, I found that I was actually able to do that through friendships and through my "atomic" moniker. But, I was still lucky enough to get a daughter and maybe someday she might listen to about .0001% of that LOL. ;)

[jmomof3girls]

I very much long for a mother-son relationship :)

[maidentomother]

It's great to hear your perspective atomic! My closest friend here in Germany had one boy then 3 girls, they are now 24, 22, 20 and 17. When my brother was 12 their family fostered him since as with me, once my brother started to become an adult my mother couldn't handle him and sent him away. They are a lower middle class family and live from month to month, and my mother never sent enough money to cover the costs of caring for him. He was 2 years older than their eldest, the boy. Despite their finances they are an extremely close-knit family and all the children, including my brother, absolutely dote on their mother. My brother runs errands for her all the time and talks to her on the phone daily, and her own son moved next door just a year ago, but still spends a great deal of time at home. They are JUST as close to her as their sisters. Oh, and my brother does still talk to my mother; their relationship, while never good, was never as bad as mine with her.

I think my friend actually spoiled and still spoils my brother, and her children, including my brother, can do no wrong in her eyes, which is a bit biased IMO but definitely better than being so critical and judgemental that you drive your children away like my own mother! So I really think it comes down to personality and maybe mothering technique, but not gender. Of course how we feel is usually not rational so I also understand fearing something even if it isn't based on logic.

[hanseer]

Really enjoy all the replies!

Adding on to my story at bit - before I had my DS, I REALLY wanted a son. It was my sister and I growing up and I wanted to experience raising a boy. I also adore my dad and DH (both of whom are the "responsible" ones taking care of their parents). I also wanted a mamma's boy.

This whole fear of being abandoned by my son comes from other's actually. It started when I was 5 mos prego at a party and a random lady asked me what gender I was having. I happily answered "boy!" and she gave me a look of pity. And then went out to tell me how her sons were just awful. I remember being completely freaked out and even going into a bit of depression (combined with prego hormones!) afterwards. But my son is totally awesome.

Whatever God grants me as our 2nd LO, I will welcome with open arms. It would be wonderful to experience one of each though.

[Midwest_Complex]

I grew up with 3 brothers & ironically, 2 out 3 are closer to my mother than I am. They are like BFFs. So don't base it only on that!

I have 2 girls & I am so thankful i do. I love having daughters. Like someone mentioned above, my daughters too are very much so "daddy's girls". I want a son because i do think biologically we are drawn more to the opposite gendered parent. Even growing up, getting praised from my mom was NOTHING like getting praised from my dad to me.

I also am just sick of buying dresses & ruffles. Lol the boy clothes, little monster outfits & vests & knitted striped sweaters...I want that now! Lol

[1+2+3boys]

I always wanted a mixed gender family but on the more boy heavy side. If I could only have one gender then I would have chosen boys but I just want one girl so badly. It is hard for me to understand my painful desire because I was a tomboy growing up and got along better with boys and beat them all at tag and hide and go seek like games and never wore pink or dresses.
I know there have to be some all boys Mums and I feel selfish sometimes that I should accept myself as one of the chosen ones because I am a really good candadite and have a blast with my boys and DPs boys too when they stay over. I wish I could just own it. I could if I really tried but everytime life gets hard I start feeling sad over my not having a daughter and I don't want that feeling for the rest of my life.
I can't let go of the dream of a daughter. It hurts so much knowing I may never have one. I made a big list of why I thought I wanted one and I managed to tick alot of the things off already as being fulfilled by my sons and many more I know I can fulfil in other ways. But I just want a child who is female too to feel like I have passed on a part of myself I suppose. I realise in hindsight that I never was truely one of the boys as much as I thought I was. From teen years on they did treat me differently and I get along better with Women now. I don't believe in gender stereotypes ( I love frilly things now though and poo poo that I can't use them in my sewing) but believe that gender is still a huge part of who you are and effects the relationships you have in life. I want the chance to raise a strong girl to Woman and have what I don't with my Mums. I am not close to my Mum and neither is my Sister, her biological child. She just aint that maternal. And my birth Mum is so lovely and we are super close but she didn't raise me and can not support me now as she lives far away and has three boys like me too so I feel like I have two half Mother Daughter relationships and I'd love the chance to just have my own one with my daughter. Not to set things right but to get rid of the wondering and sadness I feel over not having a person in my life that I always assumed I would. I'll take her in any shape or form, as long as she is a girl and she is mine and my partners.

[1+2+3boys]

In short, I thought for a long time that I had to justify my reasons for wanting a girl but really it is something I can not fully understand and just a deep desire within my heart and it is hard to fight the heart

[maidentomother]

1+2+3 I know how you feel. It is strange desire to put into words. Like you I'm not a girly girl and my personality and many of my interests are 'masculine'. I think there is a biological component that drives at least some of us. I also value strength in females and emvision that for any daughters I have, though I know strength takes many forms.

hanseer, I am so sorry that others have disturbed you so with their own unfortunate misery. Do you think you would never have suffered GD otherwise?

[Kittybear]

I have spent a long time thinking about this, and as pp said, it is hard to put into words and justify my desire, but my heart yearns so badly for a daughter.

I am an only child. I have had, at times, a very tempestuous relationship with my mum, but for the most part now it is good. I had only female friends growing up, who only had sisters (I only met my first friend who had a brother when I was 11) and I went to an all girls secondary school.

The picture in my head growing up was very similar to my own experience; one little girl. I never really considered having a son, let alone 2... I didn't not want a boy, I just didn't think it would happen (twice) :)

I have a very small family (no siblings, no cousins) so I now acutely feel that my only close female relative is my mum... After her there is no one else :( I miss those other blood related female relations (and I wonder if I had a niece or sister if I would feel so strongly). Also my mum only has the grand kids I produce and I know she would adore a granddaughter as well as her grandsons. I also want to look into the eyes of my husband's daughter :)

I worry I will not be able to contribute my life experiences with my sons when they are older and they will (justifiably) seek their dad's opinion and guidance rather than mine.

There is that part of me that wants to buy pretty pink, frilly, kitty covered clothes, but it is more intrinsic than that. As well as what I previously wrote, Mostly I don't want to live in the shadow of GD for the rest of my life; the jealousy of finding out people have their pp, looking in prams to see if there is a pink blanket, seeing other mixed gender families and wondering how they did it. I've carried this damn b*tch with me for 3 years and it has robbed me of enjoying 2 pregnancies and the early bonding with my beautiful boys. I'm done with it and just want it gone. I think/hope that if I do have a daughter 1 day I will appreciate my boys more.

Good luck with your sway Hun xx

[atomic sagebrush]

In short, I thought for a long time that I had to justify my reasons for wanting a girl but really it is something I can not fully understand and just a deep desire within my heart and it is hard to fight the heart

THIS. I really think that quite a lot of this is innate and while we look hard for some deep-seated psychological reason why we feel the way we do, a lot of the times it's the desire that comes first and then all the justification is only jsut because we are taught we have to have something "wrong" with us if we have any gender desire. There is no pattern to it - I have talked to thousands of women over the years now and there is no pattern to it - some want daughters because they were close to their moms, others because they weren't close to their moms, some of us are girly girls, some are tomboys, some want a daughter from the very beginning and others it starts slowly and builds over time.

In short - sometimes the heart wants what it wants and all the analyzing in the world doesn't shed any more light on it than that. :)

[atomic sagebrush]

I very much long for a mother-son relationship :)

:agree: let's not forget that too!! I had very strong gender desire for a boy with my first, and was very happy when I got him! I was just greedy and also wanted a DD.

[blueeyedguys]

I never even considered I might have a boy. From the time I was 12 (or even younger, but definitely by that point), I was going to have 2 daughters. Twins, of course. And that was it.

Then my first was a son. I wasn't really surprised & I didn't have GD. I just knew I was going to have another at some point and it would be a girl.

Then I had an unplanned pregnancy & early miscarriage of twins. We decided to wait a few months and try again. With swaying. However, that was about 10 years ago. And I ended up having miscarriage after miscarriage. I thought the douching might be causing it (it wasn't) & all I wanted by that point was a baby who would stick. So, no more swaying.

I was a bit upset he was a boy, but figured I could talk dh into just one more try, which I did. And repeat of before, swaying, miscarriages, give up swaying, boy.

Had GD pretty badly. Was sure that was my last chance, especially since dh & I were having issues & then he spent 3 mths in hospital after nearly dying when ds3 was about 18mths. He was told he was probably infertile. And that's how ds4 happened. lol

My little miracle baby. But still a boy, although I never gave up hope he might be a girl the entire time I was pregnant (got told both at the ultrasound, but I'm pretty much against them & wasn't having another just to confirm which).

So here I am, at least 28 years of wanting a daughter and I have 4 sons instead. I'm not sure it matters after so many years why I want one. I just do. I'm sure there's stuff in there about passing on womanly wisdom & re-parenting myself through parenting her, but in the end, I just want a daughter.

[Midwest_Complex]

Blueyedguys- things have a way of working themselves out..4 handsome boys, surely one of them will give grandma a granddaughter one day. :)

I tell myself that, if I never get a boy, I'm sure one of my daughters will eventually.

[trying4twins]

So many of these replies resonate with me, though I am not swaying for gender, but for twins.

Twins have always been part of my life. I always thought as a child that I had a twin somewhere, or was a twin before I was born, but I have no way of knowing if there was a vanishing twin.

Two of my best friends in college were identical twin sisters, one of my best friends now is an identical twin (and I'm friends with her twin as well). One of my husband's best friends had identical twin girls a few years ago... and one of my good friends is expecting twin boys.

I've wanted twins since before I was married. I don't know why. I have read so much about twin pregnancies, twin births, nursing twins... etc. over the years.

So I have this feeling that if I never at least tried to sway for twins, I'd regret it.

If I get twins, that's awesome. If I don't, so be it. But the desire has been here for a long time...

[maidentomother]

^ I also wanted twins my whole life (I am a surviving identical twin and my mom is a twin), but since I miscarried BG twins almost 3 years ago I am now just happy for a singleton. Plus I am scared of what twins will do to my body.

Many people are surviving twins and if you have been obsessed with twins your whole life like I have, I bet you are too.

[yogi&booboo]

My Dh and Dh's husband highly desire a ds. My dh is one of two children one boy and one girl. His sister-in-law has 4 girls and we have three. My family there is a little of everything but its mainly my dh side that needs it.

[1+2+3boys]

^ I also wanted twins my whole life (I am a surviving identical twin and my mom is a twin), but since I miscarried BG twins almost 3 years ago I am now just happy for a singleton. Plus I am scared of what twins will do to my body.

Many people are surviving twins and if you have been obsessed with twins your whole life like I have, I bet you are too.

I totally agree with the last part of this post! I was always fasinated with twins and wished I had one but having twins certainly is the next best thing. It is tryuely magical watching the bond between my boys who are 2.5. It helps alot with my GD. If I can't have a daughter I at least get identical twins. Less people get to experience that than those who get to experience having a girl. I still want that girl though!

Having twins really did mess up my body. I'm one of the few lucky ladies who manage to bounce back without much effort to a fit body after a baby and it seems so unfair that twins is the only reason I can't now. Puts things into perspective for me at least with how so many Women struggle getting back into shape. I have two terms because 'post baby body' really can not describe how I was after my first son so I use that term for after him and now 'post twin body.' I will need surgery if I want to get completely back into shape now but of coarse it is all worth it, a small sacrafice for the most perfect gift ever

[Hitmebabyonemoretime]

I had a daughter. Step daughter from a previous marriage. She was so sweet, and smart... Then we had some problems with inlaw interference, normal defiance and just some bad times and I mistreated her. I was angry and took things personally and I was not a good person. I won't make excuses, or say I was young bc I had been given a gift and I took it for granted.... She is sometimes a part of my life but not like it could have been. My ex and I had 2 boys... I assumed #2 would be a girl....like mom had a boy/girl. Everyone had a boy/girl. I didn't find out until he was born as we weren't allowed to find out. I had fleetingly GD... More miffed than anything.
Fast forward 10 yrs... New husband, new baby. I assumed it would be a girl. Idk why... All dhs family is boys. 3D US showed boy. I got out of the room before I bawled but when I did it was for days and days... Then guilt for feeling bad.... #4 I just came to terms with being a boy and I found out at emergency at 12.5 wk that he in fact was. I was by myself and it was a just a little lump I swallowed. No tears.
Then soon after ds4 was born I found this site.... Idk but this buried hope came alive and as atomic said earlier - the heart wants what the heart wants.
I'm a different person than I was when my life fell apart and I wasn't a good mother at all to my sd - but I feel God is punishing me sometimes... I am really hoping he lets up and sees I would be a wonderful mother to a little girl, but I knew after all this if is another boy I will be ecstatic by the time he arrives but upon finding out I'll be pretty down.



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[atomic sagebrush]

My stepmother is very very dear to me, Hitme - don't give up because it can be a very positive relationship!!!

[maidentomother]

I am also very close to my stepmum, she's amazing and puts my bio mom to shame.

[blueeyedguys]

^ I also wanted twins my whole life (I am a surviving identical twin and my mom is a twin), but since I miscarried BG twins almost 3 years ago I am now just happy for a singleton. Plus I am scared of what twins will do to my body.

Many people are surviving twins and if you have been obsessed with twins your whole life like I have, I bet you are too.

I always felt like someone was missing. When I first heard about vanishing twins, I knew that was the answer. I decided when I was around 11 I was having twin girls. Even finding out I was adopted didn't answer that feeling of someone missing. My mother swears I was a full-term singleton (& my original birth registration agrees), but I weighed under 4lbs. I had no issues except being small, which just makes me more suspicious I had a twin for at least a few months.