DH is saying no to another child

[Quinn31]

Has anyone successfully convinced their dh to try for another? I'm really torn on this because I don't want to bring a child into the world under these circumstances. I guess this is just my selfish desire to have another child. I have always pictured wanting three and I really want to try for a boy. We swayed with our second but it took nine months and I dropped all my swaying strategies. I'm really sad today because this has been my dream and I feel like I'm not ready to be done. My dh is 43 and thinks he's too old. He also likes to have financial freedom and he is worried about the cost of another child plus college and all that. Those are not really issues I think about so I guess it's good he does. Anyone have any advice?

[covered in blue]

I'm sorry Quinn. It's hard isn't it. All you can really do is let him know how important it is to you and then just leave it for a while. Also maybe come up with a plan on how you can ease the financial burden.
I had to talk DH into having kids. He kept putting it off which was highly frustrating. It was a long negotiation.

Good luck. I hope you get your hearts desire.

[angielorna]

My Dh was set against it...for years. Finally I agreed to stop at 2. But because he knew how much it meant to me, he finally caved. I had stopped talking about it and accepted the fact I would never have another baby and *poof*, out of nowhere he started talking about when we had another. Now pregnant.
I thought I had no chance of ever having another...
Good luck :)
Angie

[kitkat18]

My DH is 43 too and likewise thought he was too old he was also worried about babies health and us pushing our luck! I pleaded, moaned, cried and finally accepted that it was not going to happen when out of the blue he too started saying he would be open to another fast forward a bit over a year we are having a girl after two boys, icing on the cake!! My advice is don't include him in the swaying if you can get him to agree you want it to be as stress free as possibleXxxx

[Junie]

If you look at my past posts you'll see that I spent months dealing with just this issue. I was so depressed thinking that my husband would never come around, and I tried so hard to just accept what I had. Finally though after months of bringing it up occasionally and sometimes fighting about it he agreed. He even said he thought I would forget about it??!! And that as long as we agreed to some stuff ahead of time that he was 100% on board. Now I'm pregnant and he is just as excited as I am. So I feel that if you feel really strongly about it, then don't give up. Think of all his fears and try to come up with ideas that will help deal with those fears. I also never brought up swaying and swayed secretly for months and even when TTC he only knew vaguely about it. We both wanted another child though not just a boy or just a girl. Otherwise I would have been trying to convince him to go HT. I also think that there is no reason to pay for college or at least not all of it and you can support your children in other ways, so maybe find ways to help him feel more secure with the financial stuff? Good luck!

[Nahri]

Finances stress everyone out even where a new baby is not concerned. Before we decided to try for our second we sat down and budgeted everything out for the future. In less than a year we wont have a car payment anymore because it will be paid off, our house payment is getting lowered etc etc. So we made a spreadsheet of what he brings in, what I bring in and the total of our monthly expenses with our DS's care seperated out and then we doubled it like we were paying for an additional child and compared out what our finances would be for the next few years if everything remained the same. Of course DS will be out of diapers soon so that cost goes down or replaced by baby 2 depending on how you want to look at it. If your finances line up including the college etc that you mentioned then show it to him and show him you've really thought about it and this is what you can afford. That way he knows you've looked at the logic and not just the emotional.

[Grace]

A short while after I met my DH he told me that he doesn't want to have kids. I said that he should have mentioned it earlier and if I had known I wouldn't have dated him cause kids are important to me. While we were debating the issue, I got pregnant with DS1 !!! Now, 7 years later, we have 3 boys. Ofcourse I had to convince him to have another baby every time but it wasn't very difficult. A few months ago I told him I'd like to try for a girl one last time. He put up quite a fight, but after a few months of begging and pleading to his heart he caved in and we had our attempt 10 days ago!!
Never lose hope. If he sees how important it is to you he might change his mind.

[atomic sagebrush]

bumping.

I was in this situation and we ended up not trying, not preventing as a compromise My husband wasn't real happy that I ended up pregnant, to be honest.

[atomic sagebrush]

Not to completely go off on a tangent here but honestly, this annoys the H--- out of me. Because we women have to have the child, do most of the care for the child, etc and also our fertility is on a timeline. Whereas men can and DO wake up one day out of the blue and leave their families to go off with some other woman and start a whole 'nother family (not saying any of our DH's would do this, but they COULD) even at 50-60 years of age. So I really really thing we women ought to be the ones in charge of having X number of children as long as it's relatively reasonable. This whole thing with husbands refusing to have kids, while we're left crying and begging and pleading while our biological clocks count down to zero especially when they AGREED to having a certain number earlier in the relationship like my husband did - I"m sorry but I think it totally sucks and is a totally bull--- thing for guys to do. (humbly putting soapbox away)

[maidentomother]

^Amen to THAT, x1000, sister!

My late husband agreed to have children, YOUNG - it was a very explicit part of our pre-marital negotiations. And then after we were married he kept putting it off. Then he died at age 27 and so did my dreams of having kids young. I so immensely regret not having pushed. I was definitely the dominant partner but we had a very harmonious, respectful relationship (never fought or screamed at each other, we were just very in tune in most all regards), I didn't want to take advantage of his more easy going nature, but honestly I think if we'd had kids he would have been just fine. Many decent young men fear having kids but almost all of them turn into great dads. But I was young and stupid. :(

[Dana-Alicia]

Oh maidentomother, that is just heartbreaking to read... Big hugs to you.

And atomic, I'm just in awe. You are so freaking right!!! And those men go off, have more babies with another woman and the first wife is left with less kids than she wanted and it's so horribly unfair! Now of course most men don't do this, but honestly, most men work all day, come home, get their dinner, play with the kids a bit and then they are off to bed. After we've been slaving around after the kids 24/7! So... I already told my husband I want two more. I want two boys (check) and two girls and he will deal with it (she said bravely haha wish me luck) and I'm also going to get pregnant as soon as I'm ready. I'm not going to wait for him. As you can see Quinn, you're not alone. Of course we need to bring it in a way our men don't run out the door screaming. But he must really understand this is so much more important to you then it is to him. My DH keeps saying he is fine with two. I'm not, I hurt every day. He would not hurt every day if we had another one (or two). So he's gonna deal with it. This is affecting my life in so many ways and so does it his, as I'm unhappy because of it. A happy wife is a happy life.

[The Anchor]

I have a girlfriend with a PP and she wants one more (so do I! LOL). Her DH is dead set against it, but she has taken it upon herself to keep up the ruse that she's on BC, and she will LIE to him if she gets pg, and say that the pill must have failed. SERIOSLY, the lengths we will go to!

My DH would have 10 kids if I were up to it (it's MY old body that's failing). We never even talked about kids before we got married, I know you're supposed to...I think we just both assumed. I always chuckle a bit when I talk to ladies who have "The Discussion". I guess my DH is so laid back, I'd never really considered that he might want to limit the number of kids. Actually, I think that's why I married him!

[LilithWiser1979]

I convinced DH. He wanted to stop at 2, didn't care about gender. I wanted up to 4, but needed at least one of each. I thought (you know, because I can do MATH) that the natural compromise between 2 and 4 was 3, but over a year of couples' counseling proved that was not the case. I'm not going to lie, it was a hard year. I cried a lot, it took some serious concessions on my part, and he seriously guilt tripped me when I got pregnant for "forcing him to have more kids than he wanted."

In the end, I think it was worth it. I'm due with my daughter tomorrow (although, she's showing no signs of coming!) and DH seems to have warmed up to the idea of having a little girl.

Good luck with your decision!

[Dana-Alicia]

Lilith, how exciting!! Wishing you a lovely birthing experience, finally meeting your daughter!

The Anchor, women who have to lie about that must feel so desperate. I know a lot of people will judge her, but I understand... It's sad we have to go to extremes sometimes. And for what?

When I just found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was so worried about money, my studies, our tiny house, just everything. I was scared I couldn't do it. Then one day I was on the bus and a really old lady got on. As I looked at her, it hit me. When I'm old I'm going to look back at my life and think about the things that really matter. I will not be thinking of what grade I had for the exams, I will not think of all the money I made in my succesful career, I'm not going to think about living in a small house when I was younger. I'm going to look back and think: I did it. I made it work under difficult circumstances. Well... as you all can see in my signature it didn't work out that way. But I still want to look back at my life and think I've raised my beautiful kids. All of them. And if I can't pay for them to have the fanciest clothes, so be it. They don't need to go to college or have me paid for it. Both my husband and I went to university and we did not get any financial support from our own parents. It's been rough and we are in dept because of it, but we didn't die. I want to look back and know that I did everything possible to make my dreams come true. I am a good mother. Yes, I make mistakes and sometimes I want to take a break from all this insanity that comes with kids. But I am a good mother and I have plenty of room in my heart for more children. If my DH wasn't so dead against us having more, I would not even worry about ht. But now I'm forced to, because it would be my only chance. And that's sad. We should be a team on this and we're not. He is happy and I'm not. That is just unfair. I know there are more women who feel the same way. Don't give up hope girls, we have every right to be happy as well.

[True Blue]

Not to completely go off on a tangent here but honestly, this annoys the H--- out of me. Because we women have to have the child, do most of the care for the child, etc and also our fertility is on a timeline. Whereas men can and DO wake up one day out of the blue and leave their families to go off with some other woman and start a whole 'nother family (not saying any of our DH's would do this, but they COULD) even at 50-60 years of age. So I really really thing we women ought to be the ones in charge of having X number of children as long as it's relatively reasonable. This whole thing with husbands refusing to have kids, while we're left crying and begging and pleading while our biological clocks count down to zero especially when they AGREED to having a certain number earlier in the relationship like my husband did - I"m sorry but I think it totally sucks and is a totally bull--- thing for guys to do. (humbly putting soapbox away)

Word for word :bowdown: