Another two boy Mom gets a girl

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I am a two boy mom. At least I will be till July 16 when our third baby will greet us! For now I am in a constant state of anxiety, we won't know the results of the MaterniT test until around Christmas time and I am a mess. Anyway my midwifes assistant is a two boy mom- well will be until late December when she will get to meet here daughter. So where does that leave me?!? Beyond jealous and afraid that she got it! She got her girl and I am doomed to be a three boy mom!!

I choose to make light of this in this post but truly ladies, I hate her and I also hate anybody who was blessed with a mixed family after two tries. What a blessing that would have been, I am so resentful at all the fun and happiness I could have had instead of suffering with GD.

I am sure by the new year I will be a complete nervous wreck. I truly hope that I will get lucky and this little bean is my baby girl. Can I be so lucky? Do a anybody know how lucky they are to get one of each?!?

[1+2+3boys]

OMG I SO know how you feel about the 2 boys getting a girl. It makes me so mad. It is the one thing I hate seeing out and about or when it happens with someone I know which it did to three in one short space of time. I'm so happy to hear that you are pregnant and I hope so much that this is your girl. It must be hard to see your assistant MW with what you hoped so much for and the hormones must be messing with you. But remember she is she and you are you and what children you have has nothing to do with each other. Good luck, you so deserve a girl xo

[Sarah4girl]

I'm in the same boat. Preggo with never three after having 2 boys. I also don't feel I'd be so lucky to get a girl. And of coarse everyone I know is having girls at the moment. There has to be a boy amongst this somewhere, and I truly feel it'll be me. Great you get to find out so soon! Fingers crossed for you xx


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[nuthinbutpink]

I wonder how many people will hate you if you have a girl too. I can only imagine how much disdain you have for me. I do not like reading about others hating someone because of the gender of their kids. I understand where you are coming from but I'll pray you will find the grace to be happy for her some day. It's so much lighter on the soul. I'm sure you will hope family and friends are happy for you if your third happens to be a girl. I'm sure you don't want anyone to hate you!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Honestly hate is a strong word for what I feel. A small part of me is happy for her bc I know how badly she wanted this. I just wonder statistically how many women of two boys will be "allowed" to have a girl? If she was, does that mean I am not? I can't help but feel jealous rage.

I think it is easier for women with mixed gender families to feel happy for others because they aren't in it, they got what they wanted and can now move past GD and see things more positively. I know you didn't get an easy hand nuthinbutpink, you must have had some extreme of GD to decide on HT. So I don't hate you! I love everybody on this site for giving me somebody to relate to without judgement.

And truly I don't care if ppl hate me. I have endured a mountain of insensitive comments about my boys and maybe I will enjoy having somebody look at my family with desire instead of pity.

[nuthinbutpink]

I understand the jealousy. It's the hate I cannot relate too. That is never an emotion I had towards others at any point in my journey and I hope you are able to see your way past that one day.

I know you think I should not comment because I have both genders now but if you are finding yourself hating people that have both genders, you'll run out of friends pretty quickly.

Hate is a big word.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I just said "hate is a strong word for what I feel" and I said that based on your feelings about the word. The word hate comes out of a child's mouth to their mother...Does it hold the same degree of power as the word hate coming from say a racist to a minority? I don't think so. My version of hate is clearly different than yours in this context. I feel more like a child "hating" their mommy because I didn't get my way rather than the latter. Actually my hormones right now allow me about as much control over my emotions as a toddler so I choose not to be too hard on myself at this point, and I can only hope (falsely I see) that others could be easy on me too.

I have no idea why you feel like I don't want you to comment. I don't feel that way at all and I am sorry you assume that.

[LilithWiser1979]

Even before I knew I was having my girl, I wanted everyone who wanted one gender over the other to get what they desired. Happy people make the world a happier place. I also know the depths of Gender Disappointment, although, I'll freely admit that I didn't have it as bad as some. I never attempted suicide or actually went through with some of my darker "cause a miscarriage" thoughts.

I guess I just feel like someone else getting a baby girl doesn't mean I won't get one, or that my chance is gone. Their baby is theirs. I want mine. Their reality, their lives, don't have any bearing on mine. And them having a third boy (or whatever gender they don't want however far down the line) doesn't give me what I want or make me happy. It just makes them unhappy.

Don't get me wrong, I burned with jealousy all the time over PPs (my ideal family!) I wished I had them, but I never wished for someone to get their non-DG... unless they claimed it didn't matter and shrugged off my GD as something that was no big deal or something I'd just "get over!" Then, I totally wanted them to get a single gender family just because they refused to understand the way people with single gender families are treated and I hoped that might bring them sympathy instead of complete apathy for those of us in GD hell.

All I'm saying, I guess, is that focusing on your own family and reality is the best and healthiest way to deal with it. Believe me, I know how much it sucks to hear about someone getting your dream family, or to get an invite for a baby shower for your DG. I wanted a girl first and second, and both times I shared my baby shower with my sister who was having a girl while I was stuck with the boring boy clothes while she opened gift after pink-wrapped gift of heart-breakingly adorable dresses and cute baby Mary Janes. For my own sanity, I had to recognize that her getting a boy wouldn't make my baby a girl, and wouldn't make me any happier. I also realized that she was jealous of my relationship with my DH (she has now had three different baby daddies) and that my life, overall, is WAY easier than hers, despite the GD.

I will not be a "count your blessings" person, since I hated hearing that in the throes of my worst GD. I will say that it's okay to mourn and avoid dealing with other people having your GD. I had to block about half a dozen women on my Facebook feed who kept posting the most gorgeous pictures of their daughters and stop hanging out with a couple of friends with baby girls who were very well-meaning, but always made me feel worse. Your midwife situtation is unfortunate, but maybe you could talk privately to your midwife about how this is effecting you and meet with her alone for your appointments?

Breathe, and remember that you don't even know if your dream has already come true!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thankyou lilithwiser! I appreciate your advice so much and I am so happy you get it and don't judge me too harshly. I will hold your words close to me. Thanks again:) The fact is what you said ,no amount of hate, anger or jealousy will bring me my girl so I am going to try very hard to let it go. Everyday.

Btw my MW assistant is off on maternity leave now so I won't have to see her again. even tho that doesn't mean she is living my dream, at least I won't have her reminding me how jealousy can envelope me.

[Little Lunasa]

I wonder how many people will hate you if you have a girl too. I can only imagine how much disdain you have for me. I do not like reading about others hating someone because of the gender of their kids. I understand where you are coming from but I'll pray you will find the grace to be happy for her some day. It's so much lighter on the soul. I'm sure you will hope family and friends are happy for you if your third happens to be a girl. I'm sure you don't want anyone to hate you!

Surely she should be allowed to express how she feels, I thought this forum was supposed to be somewhere that people could vent without being judged.


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[Adia]

I am a two boy mom. At least I will be till July 16 when our third baby will greet us! For now I am in a constant state of anxiety, we won't know the results of the MaterniT test until around Christmas time and I am a mess. Anyway my midwifes assistant is a two boy mom- well will be until late December when she will get to meet here daughter. So where does that leave me?!? Beyond jealous and afraid that she got it! She got her girl and I am doomed to be a three boy mom!!

I choose to make light of this in this post but truly ladies, I hate her and I also hate anybody who was blessed with a mixed family after two tries. What a blessing that would have been, I am so resentful at all the fun and happiness I could have had instead of suffering with GD.

I am sure by the new year I will be a complete nervous wreck. I truly hope that I will get lucky and this little bean is my baby girl. Can I be so lucky? Do a anybody know how lucky they are to get one of each?!?

I understand. TBH, when my GD was at its worst, during my 3rd pregnancy & a few years after DD3, their were a few people in this world that I did NOT want to get their DG because I found them lousy people in general. Those feelings really translates to a bigger bit of reality that sometimes good things happen to bad people. I just focused on the gender of their children because that was my great heartache at the time.

I heard a celebrity mom say a while ago that she tells her 5 kids, (all adopted), "your feelings are neither fact, nor forever". Oh, so true!

Fast forward to today...I have TTC for over 2 years and I am sitting on the brink of finding out the gender, just like you. I am a nervous wreck too, BUT I am so grateful to have the chance to have one last baby and I KNOW how much DD3 owns my heart and eased my gender disappointment, that I won't let myself get to the point of devastation and darkness again. I just need to know what this little wiggle worm is so I can cope in my own ways & move on.

Was their a time when I 'hated' others who so easily go a boy after 2 girls or a PP, or any mix of genders, absolutely! Those feelings have faded & I have grown up enough to truly understand that I can be happy with another girl, DD3 proved that, and that getting what we want in life doesn't guarantee anything except a check in one little box.

Big hugs mama, we are biting our nails together while we wait!!!

[The Anchor]

I swayed for my second. And I got him. I know what it's like to want something bad, and I know I'm incredibly lucky.

I agree with NBP...I cringed a bit when I saw your first post. So many ladies on this forum, so excited about their success, and you seem to have such strong feelings about it. YES, VENT. But remember who you're venting to!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I swayed for my second. And I got him. I know what it's like to want something bad, and I know I'm incredibly lucky.

I agree with NBP...I cringed a bit when I saw your first post. So many ladies on this forum, so excited about their success, and you seem to have such strong feelings about it. YES, VENT. But remember who you're venting to!

I think my level of emotions are debatable and subjective so please try not to judge me. I am not taking about women on this forum, obviously if you are here you know at some level the pain I feel. I am talking about ppl in my life. I am literally the only boy mom around! How can I not feel isolated and resentful. Why does everybody else get one of each and I do not? Clearly it's because I am a bad person. Right?

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Don't take any of this personally ladies. If you are on this forum you have been disappointed with the gender of your baby. Period. We all have common ground. I see many posts on here that hurt me and seem harsh- so I choose to avoid them because I know that is not the intention.

[The Anchor]

I think my level of emotions are debatable and subjective so please try not to judge me. I am not taking about women on this forum, obviously if you are here you know at some level the pain I feel. I am talking about ppl in my life. I am literally the only boy mom around! How can I not feel isolated and resentful. Why does everybody else get one of each and I do not? Clearly it's because I am a bad person. Right?

I'm so sorry, I feel your pain. My bestie IRL had 4 boys. Each 15-16 months apart. My first was a girl and she confessed in later years that she was furious at me. Maybe what you're feeling is anger and resentment. And I think everyone who is here on this forum are in the same boat.

I truly hope you get your girl one day. :)

[1+2+3boys]

It does sting. I think when you are in the thick of it you can feel a hate in general and it may be easy to direct it at the person who reminds you of those feelings mixed in with the jeolousy feelings. I didn't read the word hate like you actually hated her. This a shame some of your posts get read more negatively than you intend. Clearly you really struggle with GD to quite an exetreme and I hope you can find peace no matter the out come of this pregnancy. If it is another boy it will hit hard and counciling would be a good idea. I really hope it is a girl though. Hugs. I think NBP was trying to defend other ladies and no one is really having personal goes at each other. Everything in this forem is said out of love

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I have good and bad days. I am not always so down but I agree that my GD is probably extreme but I think I am better than I was 6 months ago so that's something!

[Little Lunasa]

I swayed for my second. And I got him. I know what it's like to want something bad, and I know I'm incredibly lucky.

I agree with NBP...I cringed a bit when I saw your first post. So many ladies on this forum, so excited about their success, and you seem to have such strong feelings about it. YES, VENT. But remember who you're venting to!

I believe she was referring to people irl specifically her midwife assistant


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[Boom]

One of my closest friends had a girl after 2 boys and as much as I love my friend and my beautiful goddaughter I wish she wouldn't keep giving me 'advice' on how to finally get my girl!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Oh ya that would be so annoying Boom.

[1+2+3boys]

I have good and bad days. I am not always so down but I agree that my GD is probably extreme but I think I am better than I was 6 months ago so that's something!

That is definitely something. I think I have come a long way too. But not sure if it is something that will bother me for the rest of my life or not so I would rather not have to know and just have my daughter. We have some family friends (friends of my Mum) who have all boys and I would so love to ask them how they feel about not having a girl at this point in their lives as an honest heart to heart but I worry that it may be insensitive of me to ask. I certainly would wait until a quiet momment until my Mum was not there as she is certain that we will NOT be having any more babies. Even number two bothered her so maybe my body made me have twins just to piss her off, ha!

I think if HT didn't work or we couldn't end up doing it and I swayed and still did not get a girl I really would need counciling and I wouldn't call my GD exetreme even compared to some. I heard a Mum on here in another thread mention hypno therapy to help her bond with DS2. I wonder if it would work to kick your GD for good? I'd love to know. Life with three kids is good for me. I actually don't want another baby, just a daughter and I picture her as a toddler or pre-schooler, never a baby.
My twins are finally starting to sleep through the night at 2.5 and I am not keen to go back any time soon!

[trifecta]

I choose to make light of this in this post but truly ladies, I hate her and I also hate anybody who was blessed with a mixed family after two tries. What a blessing that would have been, I am so resentful at all the fun and happiness I could have had instead of suffering with GD.

I know just what you mean. Nothing makes me as miserable as imaging how happy other people must be or how happy I might have been. Grrrrr. :hair: Anyway I hope you get your girl this time. I know you would really be able to appreciate it. Truly I don't begrudge anyone with GD getting what they want--it's the people who get it without ever having to think about it that make me green with envy. I wish it had never occurred to me to want anything other than what I had.

[1+2+3boys]

I'm jealous of my own Mum. I watch her with my little Bro having her Mummy son time with her adult son and loving it and then enjoying my Sister and I and it makes me feel so sad that I may not get that part in my life. I am so happy to get the son part x 3 though. I love having boys! (no more though) I wish the people who honestly do not care about gender could get the one gender familes but alas, that is not the way life works. Who knows though, some other part of their life may be a huge struggle like bad relationship with partner or lost family member or a history of depression or struggling with money or anything. I know some of us have those things and GD but it helps to remember that there is more to someone than what meets the eye and you never know what they are going through in life. They may have been blessed with what we wanted for ourselves but that does not make their life perfect and ours not.

[trifecta]

I'm jealous of my mother, too. She had my sister and my brother right off the bat. She has no idea about my feelings and I just can't share them with her. She's pleased with my boys but she and my sister also both say things like "you don't need to have any more." I guess that's supposed to be nice but it sure doesn't sound nice.

I definitely agree that everyone has their own struggles, or at least most people have some struggle.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Me too trifecta! My own mother! She has two daughters and a son (just like my sister) and I have a hard time not allowing my gender desire to push us apart.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I'm jealous of my own Mum. I watch her with my little Bro having her Mummy son time with her adult son and loving it and then enjoying my Sister and I and it makes me feel so sad that I may not get that part in my life. I am so happy to get the son part x 3 though. I love having boys! (no more though) I wish the people who honestly do not care about gender could get the one gender familes but alas, that is not the way life works. Who knows though, some other part of their life may be a huge struggle like bad relationship with partner or lost family member or a history of depression or struggling with money or anything. I know some of us have those things and GD but it helps to remember that there is more to someone than what meets the eye and you never know what they are going through in life. They may have been blessed with what we wanted for ourselves but that does not make their life perfect and ours not.

Absolutely. I don't think anybody's life is perfect and I think for the most part my life is pretty good. We have good jobs, nice things we enjoy, two healthy kids and a good marriage. I know that some ppl don't have those things and their life is probably difficult And we can't argue about what hurts more. All I know is my desire for a girl if pretty powerful and it has changed my life forever in ways I never could have saw coming. That's the part I find the most frustrating, this topic is so taboo and we are constantly made to feel guilty about our feelings. It makes this problem so sensitive.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

That is definitely something. I think I have come a long way too. But not sure if it is something that will bother me for the rest of my life or not so I would rather not have to know and just have my daughter. We have some family friends (friends of my Mum) who have all boys and I would so love to ask them how they feel about not having a girl at this point in their lives as an honest heart to heart but I worry that it may be insensitive of me to ask. I certainly would wait until a quiet momment until my Mum was not there as she is certain that we will NOT be having any more babies. Even number two bothered her so maybe my body made me have twins just to piss her off, ha!

I think if HT didn't work or we couldn't end up doing it and I swayed and still did not get a girl I really would need counciling and I wouldn't call my GD exetreme even compared to some. I heard a Mum on here in another thread mention hypno therapy to help her bond with DS2. I wonder if it would work to kick your GD for good? I'd love to know. Life with three kids is good for me. I actually don't want another baby, just a daughter and I picture her as a toddler or pre-schooler, never a baby.
My twins are finally starting to sleep through the night at 2.5 and I am not keen to go back any time soon!

I never had any trouble bonding with my DS2. I was only disappointed with his gender until the day I vbac'd him! From that day on he has been my everything. I feel like what I am going through is gender desire more than anything, I want my boys and I want a girl. Not so much to ask for is it?!? Lol.

[1+2+3boys]

I think the person who wrote that post about the bonding meant before they had the baby as they struggled with it. I was lucky to never have that problem like you. I never wanted one gender over the other, just both. It is funny how GD is so taboo from the general public because they are the ones who also make all the comments like"oh you need a..." so contradictory!

[1+2+3boys]

Oh and I love your VBAC story :)

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I think the person who wrote that post about the bonding meant before they had the baby as they struggled with it. I was lucky to never have that problem like you. I never wanted one gender over the other, just both. It is funny how GD is so taboo from the general public because they are the ones who also make all the comments like"oh you need a..." so contradictory!

I have heard comments about me needing a girl and also comments about how my family is done now so I guess no girl for me. As if it was up to them! I even have a girl at work trying to get all my boy baby stuff because she being the perfect and deserving person, got her PP and now thinks that bc I have two kids I am done so I will just hand over my stuff! Like really!!!!

[atomic sagebrush]

Rereading this I wanted to mention that in some parts of the US we bandy the word "hate" about a bit more freely than perhaps other regions - it's not weird or strange to tell your friend "Oh I hate you so much" and it's a joke, and then we say things like "I hate them, etc" when it's jealousy or dislike, but it's meant more lightly than it means in some areas.

I agree that it's a strong word definitely, but just wondering if it may be a colloquialism more than an actual feeling.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

That's exactly what I tried to say earlier in this thread. My version of hate isn't what people think it is. I say the word a lot and perhaps the meaning of it has lost its power for me. I don't feel like I even really know what hate means to me and perhaps that's because I don't hate but rather have other emotions that I call hate. On that note, I regularly say "I hate cold coffee, I hate winter blah, blah". My feelings about mixed gender moms fall into that category! I am not a hateful person.

[1+2+3boys]

I'm jealous of my mother, too. She had my sister and my brother right off the bat. She has no idea about my feelings and I just can't share them with her. She's pleased with my boys but she and my sister also both say things like "you don't need to have any more." I guess that's supposed to be nice but it sure doesn't sound nice.

I definitely agree that everyone has their own struggles, or at least most people have some struggle.

My Mum and Dad adopted me then had Sis then Bro naturally. SHe is so blissfully unaware, I just can not talk to her at all about my desire for a daughter because she can not begin to understand and says things like but you have beautiful boys, which is true but like I said, she just does not get it

[2boysJustOneGirl]

My mom doesn't get it either. She is always says " you have two beautiful healthy boys be grateful" and " be glad you don't have the drama of teenage girls to deal with". Those comments just don't help!

I also have a brother and sister and if anybody is glad I have two boys it's my brother. He is close with them and I think it's bc he missed that brother bond. It's brought him and I closer too and I am grateful for that

[maidentomother]

I dont have kids yet but reading your posts I can so imagine feeling how you do were I in your shoes. I also have very extreme feelings & opinions and abuse the word hate. Even though I can't possibly understand your situation fully I really empathize with you. And I really hope you have your girl in there. Big hugs!

[1+2+3boys]

My mom doesn't get it either. She is always says " you have two beautiful healthy boys be grateful" and " be glad you don't have the drama of teenage girls to deal with". Those comments just don't help!

I also have a brother and sister and if anybody is glad I have two boys it's my brother. He is close with them and I think it's bc he missed that brother bond. It's brought him and I closer too and I am grateful for that


My Brother is so good with my boys and it is so lovely to see. He was the only boy out of 9 grand daughters (youngest too so much anticipated) and all the family friends were girls pretty much. He grew up surrounded by girls and is now really great with Women. When I was pregnant with DS1 he said "It better be a boy in there so I can teach him rugby." Well now he has three nephews but he will be fighting with my DP who is European because he will want to do football :)

[1+2+3boys]

Grr, something annoyed me that my Mum said not so long ago. Some close family friends son was due with baby number three. They have two girls and the baby was a boy. My Mum was delighted for them. "Oh it is so nice for _____ to get a boy!" How could she not see that in reverse for me, Can anyone actually admit that they would have been a bit less excited if it had been a third girl. It is like they play the caring about gender thing where it suits them. I am still debating whther or not to tell my parents about our HT plans. They want us having no more and know I just want another so I can have a girl. I think she will not understand but at least if it works I wont be trying for a 5th. She will def be our last

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I think ppl don't have a clue when it comes to this and won't ever say the right thing because there is truly nothing to say! It is what it is. Some are lucky, others are not. And the lucky ones won't ever have the ability to get it let alone say the "right" thing.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

OMG and facebook just updated me that ANOTHER two boy mom had a girl😭😭😭. I feel doomed.

[1+2+3boys]

Bugger. Remember it has nothing to do with you. Hard to be rational though I know. Or if you are all from the same area maybe there is something int he water making girls ;) When my twins were due in that same year 10 boys were born from other ladies at my Playcentre. So there can be big boy and girl spurts.

I quit FB not so long ago, maybe it will be forever. I only miss it a tiny bit. It is SOOOO liberating

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thanks for making me feel better. You are right, it has nothing to do with me. My baby is mine. I have been contemplating giving up FB too, I feel like it only brings me down. Ppl use it to post fake stuff about their perfect life and to me, that is the devils advocate.

[foxymrsg]

I think I can see where you're coming from. It's not hate you feel towards the person it's more of a severe jealousy!
One of my school friends announced on FB in the week she's having a daughter so come May she'll have a pp! It was like being stabbed in the heart and i was so shocked I felt that way as 1) I havent seen her since leaving school and 2) I was so excited to see her update, so I was so surprised how I felt upon finding out.
I wouldn't say I hate her I just fell very jealous that she got my dream if that makes sense? It's hard to explain on here in the tone you want to use.
I think my jealousy is that I've decided to hold out on swaying until this time next year as we are moving and I'm setting up a new business and I just don't want added stresses to my sway! I also feel it gives me a long time to be on the sway so it becomes second nature iykwim?
Anyway sorry I'm rambling sometimes these feelings come like a bolt out of the blue but hold out you may be getting your princess yet. Just because the other lady is having a daughter doesn't take that away from you :)

[2boysJustOneGirl]

The more I see others getting a girl the more I worry that I will be a mom to three boys. I suppose that is why I have a hard time being happy for them although it helps to know that it is very likely that a two boy mom went through gender desire/disappoint so I keep that in mind and it makes it easier to have heart for those around me getting my dream. Who knows? Maybe they are on this forum!

[1+2+3boys]

Another thing is the jolly new baby page in the news paper. I try my best not to read the captions but I can't help myself. This morning one of the photos was of a smitten proud Dad with his baby girl. Nice but then I went on to read that she was a Sister for blah and blah (insert two boys names here)
Gosh it made me get a sad sting of jealousy and feel bad for the next 20 mins for what I missed out on. Not only do I not get to have a daughter my my Partner does not get that special Father Daughter bond too.

Sometimes seeing PPs get to me but not always.(It always did on FB even with people I did not know well). I actually wanted my second to be a boy until I found out it was twins who were most likely identical. But I was still going to sway for a girl for number 2 because I believed it would take the stress off. You know, if you get that PP then you have the luxury to stop or go on to have as many children as you like without having to compromise over one of the parents not getting their same gendered offspring. You can have another one without so much stress and fear about the gender and just enjoy having another baby. I know some people have GD a second time around or people with PPs but I feel like the majority of people who got a PP could never have any idea of what it is like to never get your DG unless they only wanted two and were desperate for their second to be GD and be lucky top get it.

[maidentomother]

Totally agree about PPs and swaying for your second. That's why I'm swaying for my first, bc I think otherwise I'd just have endless boys and I KNOW I need a daughter. If it works then I can just leave it up to God/fate/nature for number 2 (out of up to 4 kids, potentially).

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I never imagined I WOULDN'T have a daughter. After DS2 it hit me from out of nowhere that I really may not have one and the depression started. I had a vague idea about swaying (shettles) when we conceived DS2 but I wished I had known more. I would have swayed harder.

I totally get what you mean! I wish I had the luxury of being able to enjoy getting pregnant and not have to worry about gender like many pp moms, including my sister! Oh I cannot stand her sometimes! She got a girl first and went on to have a boy and another girl. Sickening.

[1+2+3boys]

From the time I was old enough to imagine my own family as a little girl, I never comprehended or imagined a single gendered family. At the time we conceived the twins I only know about shettles too. I found this website when the boys were 9 months old. I was going to sway but then I saw there are ladies on here with 4,5 and 6 boys and as much as I thought I would never not have a girl I then clicked. OMG I might actually have another boy and never have a girl. It does happen, people getting one of the same again and again and again and we really could be one of those, especially with DPs track record. I'm still so scared about this whole thing because money is something we only just have enough of and we don't have many extras. I hope so bad we can afford to do HT cos I don't want more than 4. If we had another boy I would have to accept not having a girl.
Will this be your last 2 boys?

[1+2+3boys]

Totally agree about PPs and swaying for your second. That's why I'm swaying for my first, bc I think otherwise I'd just have endless boys and I KNOW I need a daughter. If it works then I can just leave it up to God/fate/nature for number 2 (out of up to 4 kids, potentially).

I must admit that I used to think it was strange to be swaying for your first but lately I totally understand more and more. Goodlcuk and I look forward to seeing a BFP from you.


I am so chatty lately! Must be the stopping facebook. I am on here way more often thinking "C'mon people, reply faster!" Sometimes I just need to chat about my GD feelings more. It is always harder when I am finding life harder in general. I am so busy with the kids and desperately want more time for myself which is unlikely to happen and here I am planning how to get another child!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

From the time I was old enough to imagine my own family as a little girl, I never comprehended or imagined a single gendered family. At the time we conceived the twins I only know about shettles too. I found this website when the boys were 9 months old. I was going to sway but then I saw there are ladies on here with 4,5 and 6 boys and as much as I thought I would never not have a girl I then clicked. OMG I might actually have another boy and never have a girl. It does happen, people getting one of the same again and again and again and we really could be one of those, especially with DPs track record. I'm still so scared about this whole thing because money is something we only just have enough of and we don't have many extras. I hope so bad we can afford to do HT cos I don't want more than 4. If we had another boy I would have to accept not having a girl.
Will this be your last 2 boys?

I don't know if this is our last. I hope so, either way I hope I get closure. I always said three but I think if my second had been a girl we would have stopped.

What do you mean DP's track record?

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Totally agree about PPs and swaying for your second. That's why I'm swaying for my first, bc I think otherwise I'd just have endless boys and I KNOW I need a daughter. If it works then I can just leave it up to God/fate/nature for number 2 (out of up to 4 kids, potentially).

I applaud you! I wish I had taken this more seriously when we started our family. I guess I just put my faith in my dreams which was so stupid.

[maidentomother]

I just got lucky. I can't remember how I stumbled across gender swaying - and I found InGender first - but it was pure luck. I was going to TTC in Dec 2013 no matter what (after like 6 weeks on diet). If I hadn't found GD I might have a little boy by now as my plan was to BD as much as possible and we know how that works out!

Like pretty much everyone on here it never crossed my mind that I would have anything except 50/50 boys and girls. But I do really want a girl first. Yes I am a total control freak.

I would be really upset with your sister, too. My much older half sister has 2 girls. More recently one of my best friend had 2 boys, then a 3rd! I think that's when it hit me that that could happen to me, too - even if just subconsciously. Before I would have had complete faith in my dreams just like you.

[atomic sagebrush]

Grr, something annoyed me that my Mum said not so long ago. Some close family friends son was due with baby number three. They have two girls and the baby was a boy. My Mum was delighted for them. "Oh it is so nice for _____ to get a boy!" How could she not see that in reverse for me, Can anyone actually admit that they would have been a bit less excited if it had been a third girl. It is like they play the caring about gender thing where it suits them. I am still debating whther or not to tell my parents about our HT plans. They want us having no more and know I just want another so I can have a girl. I think she will not understand but at least if it works I wont be trying for a 5th. She will def be our last

:agree: My mom has 2 girls and a boy (who is a real handful) and she was like, I couldn't have handled another boy! And I'm like, you are sitting there unsupportive of me finding out I'm having my 4TH boy!

She's normally totally cool but wasn't good with the gender disappointment.

[1+2+3boys]

With DPs track record I am talking about his three older sons. Our boys' half bros. Though we just call them brothers. My Dp has 6 sons to three different Women! Hence my user name. He had one, then two then three boys. I joke that if we split he would have to have 4 boys with his next partner. lol. We are totally good though and I feel very lucky so I do not see that happening. Anyway, it is time to break the boy streak even if we have to 'cheat' to do it. His Sis had three boys too but a girl first.
I'd love to add one more grand daughter.

[1+2+3boys]

:agree: My mom has 2 girls and a boy (who is a real handful) and she was like, I couldn't have handled another boy! And I'm like, you are sitting there unsupportive of me finding out I'm having my 4TH boy!

She's normally totally cool but wasn't good with the gender disappointment.

Oh my. Maybe she meant a bit that she thought you did such a good job with boys unlike she could have. So I guess it could have been taken as a compliment but even so, very hard to hear while experiencing GD.

[atomic sagebrush]

I don't think she even thought it through that far. It was one of those offhand remarks that people make without even thinking. It wasn't meant as a compliment to me, more that my brother was very difficult.

That was a really, really cruddy day for me because I had just found out about my 4th boy and she was really unsupportive, stopped just short of rolling her eyes, then went on to talk about how she was getting hypnotized to quit smoking and the hypnotist's life story and it just all felt very self-centered. IKYKWIM. She's not a bad person or anything, it was just one of those days where other people just really can't ever get it, I don't think.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

A colleague of mine is pregnant with her third, due in July. She had a boy and a girl already and I am beyond envious that she has the luxury to just "have a third for fun". She just announced her pregnancy and I must admit I was instantly annoyed.

This is why I struggle so much with gender desire. Everybody is having babies right now-it's our time. And all around me ppl are getting PPL! It's maddening.

[Adia]

A colleague of mine is pregnant with her third, due in July. She had a boy and a girl already and I am beyond envious that she has the luxury to just "have a third for fun". She just announced her pregnancy and I must admit I was instantly annoyed.

This is why I struggle so much with gender desire. Everybody is having babies right now-it's our time. And all around me ppl are getting PPL! It's maddening.

Yes, our hackles are up permanently when we are prego. I am lucky this time around & my day-to-day life is mostly around people almost 20years younger than me who can't even fathom having kids anytime soon.

It really helps that no one in my daily circle is prego...but when I was prego with DD3...it was awful. We lived on a small military base overseas and everyone was prego! When the ships came home from long deployments their was always a flock of babies born 9 months later.
One of my best friends got prego just days before me. She had a girl after 2 boys and I had DD3...the list went on. This person had 2 girls and went team green - a boy, of course! This person had a boy after 2 girls, of course, that is what she ordered!!

I could hardly go outside sometimes because it stung so bad. AND that was when the "OMG 3 GIRLS!" comments were at their worst. I would NEVER tolerate such horrid comments now, but I am much wiser this time around.

And because of my age, most of my friends are DONE having kids and have been for a while. I am bracing myself for the "OMG, I can't believe you are having another one when DD1 is almost 16!!!" All I have to say to that is "stuff it!" Its my life and I can do what I want! Sometimes it feels like we just can't win...that is when I intentionally start to check out of certain things like FB, family emails & gatherings, etc! :wink:

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Only those PP people can avoid all this harassment! If you don't have a PP by the time you reach age 30 you fall out the "normal" category and into a place where society has apparently been given the right to make judgements about you and your reproductive choices! Honestly when did we become such a rigid race with such strict ideals and rules?!? No wonder I abuse the word hate!

[1+2+3boys]

I just got home from the boys' Christmas production and there were so many pigeon pairs there. The little girls in angel costumes didn't set me off, it was this;
I saw "the man" and "the woman" walking back to their car with their boy and girl in tow thinking, they got their boy... and they got their girl. Or there's his boy and her girl or vice versa. I saw that scenario so many times tonight. None of those kids were as cute as mine and I am so proud of my boys but the amount of jealousy was enough to slightly taint my enjoyment of the evening and once again bring up the sad feeling of, I don't have my girl. And so many of these people do. Why not me. It all seems so unfair. Truely truely really unfair. Why did it have to be me, but I wouldn't swap my boys for anything. I'm smitten by them and so proud and would die in an instant for any one of them. Gosh I am lucky. But not lucky enough. Why can't I stop being so selfish and wanting the icing on the cake too.

Yesterday DP snapped at me in passing saying "We are not doing that stupid IVF thing," I know it was not a good time to bring it up but I can't help dwelling on it and feeling upset. I feel like he has changed his mind again. I really may never have a daughter ever in my life and that feeling f**ken sucks so bad.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I can't imagine having twins, especially boys, on my second pregnancy. I really feel for you and hope you and your husband pursue HT. I would if was at #3 and hearing how desperately bad you want a girl, only convinced me more.

I know it's expensive and not a guarantee but I wonder what price we are willing to put on our dreams? Can I live the rest of my life without a daughter? I don't think I can and I sense you can't either. Not happily anyway. I don't think it's fair to call yourself selfish either. If you can't change how you feel without that little girl in your life I don't see any other options. Everybody says how it's natural to want bother genders...what you are feeling is a natural response to not getting that. I have chosen to stop beating myself up. We got a shit deal and it's ok to feel bad about it.

[1+2+3boys]

After thinking I was being pregnant and being terrified the answer for me is now much more simple. I'd rather no baby than having another and it not being a girl. HT is still cheaper than raising a whole extra child that I 'didn't want'. It sounds bad to use those words and we would want him and love him more than anything but if I can control the situation then why wouldn't I IYKWIM. Kids are sure starting to get expensive now that DS1 is almost school age and I know it will only get more and mroe expensive. We really can not afford to have 5 kids if we had a failed sway and wanted to try HT then. Even having 4 will be a stretch for us but so worth it to get that girl. If we had another boy I know I would have to get over not having a girl ever. It is 100% the only reason I want another child. I just finished BFing the twins and am now getting baby fever but not enough to want to try naturally. I am still not 100% happy with doing HT due to some ethical reasons but I think what other choice do I have?

[1+2+3boys]

Old ladies who didn't get their GD did have to put up with it for all of their lives but I don't have to if I choose to take control and things work out for us. I think even if it did not work then I would at least know I tried all I could and it really was not meant to be

[atomic sagebrush]

I think most people find that once the option is off the table, the GD mostly goes away. IT's the possibility and the hope and the dream that aggravates it, and once a person accepts that it isn't going to happen, then it becomes a lot easier to bear. YOu may have a bad moment here or there but it's not the way it is when you're in the middle of it. Please no one think that it's going to be this bad when you're 60 years old or anything. Eventually, you will move on and have a great life with your sons or daughters (I see tons of my old friends from IG who decided not to tTC again and they all look like they're having more fun than I am LOL) .

We all know a "horror story" about someone who still supposedly has this soulcrushing GD as an old woman but I think oftentimes those people are mentally ill anyway and its just the "flavor" of their mental illness. IF it wasn't GD, it would be some other thing that didn't work out for them that they've gotten fixated upon.

[True Blue]

That is definitely true for me :)
I think as long as the option to try is there the GD will keep returning.
DH and I have agreed if we conceive again he will have a vasectomy and we will have it done before we know the gender.
We are both happy with the decision and I am happy to have a tubal ligation after baby.

I also don't think GD will haunt me into old age thankfully. It's strange to say I have made peace with it while preparing to sway but I really believe I have :)

[Adia]

I think most people find that once the option is off the table, the GD mostly goes away. IT's the possibility and the hope and the dream that aggravates it, and once a person accepts that it isn't going to happen, then it becomes a lot easier to bear. YOu may have a bad moment here or there but it's not the way it is when you're in the middle of it. Please no one think that it's going to be this bad when you're 60 years old or anything. Eventually, you will move on and have a great life with your sons or daughters (I see tons of my old friends from IG who decided not to tTC again and they all look like they're having more fun than I am LOL) .

We all know a "horror story" about someone who still supposedly has this soulcrushing GD as an old woman but I think oftentimes those people are mentally ill anyway and its just the "flavor" of their mental illness. IF it wasn't GD, it would be some other thing that didn't work out for them that they've gotten fixated upon.

I have to agree completely. I know in my heart that if this baby is another girl, it will simply be time to move on. I think all the 'anticipatory grieving' (for lack of a better expression) has prepared me to realize that either way this GD needs to end & life goes on. Healthy children are such a miracle in and of themselves.

Atomic: Do you keep in touch with CoochieCoo? I miss her. She was such a sweetheart! She broke my heart but was a prime example of the #3GD baby stealing her heart...I ended up following in her footsteps on that one!
I think she lives near me now that I moved to this crazy state...I am so tempted to track her down and look her up but I am sure she has moved on and we don't have as much in common anymore. She always gave me great hope.

[atomic sagebrush]

Yes i do still talk to her from time to time on FB!! She is doing really well with her guys and she's one of the examples of exactly what I'm talking about - they travel around doing all this fun stuff, she looks great, the kids are adorable and doing all these fun things, and it's like no one's life is all about GD any more. This is a temporary stop and not a life sentence!! :)

[Adia]

Yes i do still talk to her from time to time on FB!! She is doing really well with her guys and she's one of the examples of exactly what I'm talking about - they travel around doing all this fun stuff, she looks great, the kids are adorable and doing all these fun things, and it's like no one's life is all about GD any more. This is a temporary stop and not a life sentence!! :)

So happy to hear that! She was a doll and I am glad her life is past all the GD that haunted us for years! Someday I'll be there too!

[1+2+3boys]

It is so very reassurring to hear this. I really do feel deep down like I could accept not having a girl but only if I choose to and while the option of one more child is there it is hard to move on from. Choosing to get over it now would be like accepting it and I'm not ready for that but if we were done having kids then I would just have to accept it. I am happy with my life and will continue to be happy. My 'cards' are actually quite good I think as I got the three best boys ever who I am smiiten by. THey are healthy, handsome, smart and will probably be athletic too. I also have a loving and supportive partner and I love him heaps.
I worry about never being fully content though. The GD has to end one day though and I am glad to hear the crazy old lady thing is a minority. Either way I don't think that will be me. It is just hard right now. I prob need to take a break from this website since I don't plan to TTC for a while and as much as I love it I do find it can flare up my GD at the same time.

[lemonade]

I too am worried I will never truly get over my lifelong longing for a daughter.

Our neighbor has two sons who are in their 30s, unmarried, and she is still hoping for grandchildren. I thought she was one of those women to whom gender didn't matter, until one day she admitted she was sad she never had a daughter. It was then I knew that could easily be me one day.

My own aunt had two sons, and she and her husband tried for years for "the girl" unsuccessfully, until they finally adopted one. I think it's natural for most women (the ones who actually carry the babies) to want a daughter of their own, someone who will grow up to be a woman like them, and it shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. But society would make you feel like it is.

My own doctor asked me if I was going to "try for the girl".

I know there's a good chance my third could very well be a girl without any interventions, like so many lucky women out there, so to go to the extremes of HT is almost obscene. But I just know we'd have a third boy. DH comes from a family where they tend to have three of a kind then an opposite. I know gender isn't genetic, but there is no question in my mind I'd have three boys. And DH is barely okay with us having three in the first place. If he was okay with more I wouldn't feel this intense pressure.

Usually I'm good at pushing all these thoughts out of my mind, and just enjoying my beautiful family. But there are triggers everywhere that drag the nagging worry that I'll never ever have a daughter back to the forefront.

I don't even give a cr*p about celebrities, but so many have had their first babies recently it seems, and they're all girls. Even Princess Kate is pregnant with a girl. It's not official yet, but it might as well be. She wouldn't NOT have a pigeon pair. Women who are having daughters of their own are just so lucky. They know it too. You can see it in the way they smile. Don't tell me a woman who has an adorable son isn't over the moon when her next one is a sweet tiny princess she can finally dress up in bows and pretty dresses. Stereotypical, but true in most cases. It must be an amazing feeling. I wonder if I will ever experience it. Right now, I'm not even sure I will.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I wish now that we had done HT. Waiting to find out the gender of baby#3 is complete torture and I will never put myself through it again. I literally feel like I am at the fork of "eternal misery" and "everlasting joy". Which road will my life take?

We can't know how we will feel about all of this in a year, or three or 10. What we do know is that we have spent enough time being sad and angry about it and I am sure you can relate when I say I DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS EAY ANYMORE. The thought of living with this depression is truly overwhelming at times which make me feel like a survival mechanism exists in me that will shut all this longing for a daughter off one day and I will be free. I think rock bottom hits and then you have no choice but to get up.

[Boom]

When I was pg with DS 4, I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks before the private gender scan. I felt ok once the news was delivered but I knew that if I could bring myself to have any more babies it would be HT. Thankfully, I have the space, support and finances for the HT journey and another child(or 2!), if not I think my life would have a hole in always. If HT doesn't work, we will try a sway and accept another boy then adopt. By then my broodiness at least will have been satisfied and I won't feel the need for an actual BABY girl, a toddler will do just fine :-)

[atomic sagebrush]

re adoption - depending on where you live and the $$ resources you have, it may behoove you to look into adoption SOONER rather than later. We talked about adoption very seriously and then when we began to look into it, it turned out that the odds that we would be selected by a potential birth mother to be very slim. We didn't have enough money, we were too old, and there is a strong preference for couples that do not have children already. :/

[1+2+3boys]

Wow, so many people say "Why don't you just adopt a ____?" they have no idea

[Adia]

Exactly right 1+2+3...adoption has gotten almost impossible in the USA and it is getting more and more difficult abroad. It is so common for teenage mothers to keep their babies and like Atomic said, birth mothers can be very, very picky.

Cost comes into it too. That is why HT and surrogacy have gotten so popular. I think in some ways, the cost is close to equal.

One thing that boggles me is a lot of people adopt kids with special needs or who come from drug mothers, etc. than they get miffed when this child takes up a lot of time and resources. As a mother of 2 kids with special needs, I can promise that they take up A LOT of time and resources and require non-stop sacrifice on my part. I have seen parents resent their adopted child because they didn't just fit right in and behave like the easy child the parent gave birth to first. It makes me very sad and almost an advocate of people NOT adopting unless the stars are lined up perfectly OR you have the training and resources to deal with a special needs child for MANY years to come. Hope that makes sense....just like HT, adoption sounds like a quick fix, but I have learned from this website that it is not what it seems for everyone.

[atomic sagebrush]

Wow, so many people say "Why don't you just adopt a ____?" they have no idea

It is next to impossible for a HUGE percentage of people, at least in the US!!

[atomic sagebrush]

LOL adia I should have read your reply first!!

Adoption overseas is really really $$$$$ and very difficult as well. You literally have to be able to go over to the country and pretty much live there for weeks at a time, plus in addition to all that there is still the expense and so on. I have a friend who did adopt two girls from Ukraine and she had to leave her bio kids at home for months so she could live over there. And I think it's totally amazing that she did all that, but it's not something that ~I personally~ would want to do. Plus a lot of the countries are really closing the loopholes and nolonger allowing Americans to adopt anyway, which is too bad.

[1+2+3boys]

Wow, I can't imagine how hard international adoption must be. I was adopted because my Mum had me at 19 and it was open and I always knew and things have been great for me but having seen it from one point of view, you sure would have to be strong to be able to do it. There are very strong emotions involved no matter what side you are on in the adoption (adopting or adopting out) As for me, I feel like I get the best of both worlds. I love being adopted

[covered in blue]

I don't want to start a new thread to have a rant so I will just hijack this one lol. So there is this lovely little shop down the road from us where they sell little handmade Xmas decorations and I took the boys for a walk down there today to choose a new decoration for the tree each. Well when we went to pay I recognised the lady behind the counter. She's the mother of a couple of kids I went to school with.
So she say "wow your family is .............. (long pause) grown".
I said "haha yeah we have 3 now"
Her "all boys?"
Me "yeah all boys"
Her "well I don't know if you read the paper but Ryan (her son) had a baby girl a few weeks ago"
Me "oh that's lovely"
Her "yeah, and Kate (her daughter) has a little boy. He's really full on. He was nearly given a label but she's pregnant again. She rung me up the other day and was so excited. She said we don't have to get that people mover now Mum as it's a girl". We are all so excited and glad that she doesn't have to have anymore because she was just going to keep going until she got her girl."

All in front of my boys! I was so mad I just about left without saying thank you :(. Darn it why do people have to say things like that to a Mum of 3 boys with them all right there!

[1+2+3boys]

OMG! Sorry you had to go through that. How rude! She may have gotten her girl but her boy will never know the magic of a Brother or two. It is hard to know what to say in such situations though aye cos it just shocks you. Like OMG, did she really just say that

[covered in blue]

Haha yeah that's true. I never say anything at the time. But it makes you wonder what people think when they see a family of 3 boys doesn't it. I wonder how many people think that we just went back for the girl and failed. I can only imagine how it would be if we kept going :(. And I do worry about what the kids think because I never say anything about wanting a girl to them or in front of them yet DS1 still asks me when I'm going to have a girl!

[Boom]

It is next to impossible for a HUGE percentage of people, at least in the US!!

In the UK there are no private adoptions so the bio parent doesn't have a say. It's children who have been taken into care by the local authority and they have a really hard time finding enough adopting parents to go round. We are in very good financial, social, cultural etc positions comparatively in our area. DH has proven that he can accept other children as the big boys are not his. And I studied child development and work with pregnant and new mothers.

We've investigated at length and met with the authorities but we decided to give HT another 9 months before trying naturally. I don't want my eggs to shrivel up before we decide no more of our 'own' children

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I don't want to start a new thread to have a rant so I will just hijack this one lol. So there is this lovely little shop down the road from us where they sell little handmade Xmas decorations and I took the boys for a walk down there today to choose a new decoration for the tree each. Well when we went to pay I recognised the lady behind the counter. She's the mother of a couple of kids I went to school with.
So she say "wow your family is .............. (long pause) grown".
I said "haha yeah we have 3 now"
Her "all boys?"
Me "yeah all boys"
Her "well I don't know if you read the paper but Ryan (her son) had a baby girl a few weeks ago"
Me "oh that's lovely"
Her "yeah, and Kate (her daughter) has a little boy. He's really full on. He was nearly given a label but she's pregnant again. She rung me up the other day and was so excited. She said we don't have to get that people mover now Mum as it's a girl". We are all so excited and glad that she doesn't have to have anymore because she was just going to keep going until she got her girl."

All in front of my boys! I was so mad I just about left without saying thank you :(. Darn it why do people have to say things like that to a Mum of 3 boys with them all right there!

This is just so rude and really hurtful, I imagine. You must have wanted to throat punch her. It amazes me that people even comment in front of your boys, like do they not have any conscience at all?

[Adia]

Covered in blue...some people are just plain dumb. So her daughter is having a girl, yipee for her....why do people feel the need to drag it out in detail JUST BECAUSE you have 3 boys?? Those situations make me so mad.

I was visiting MIL & FIL last Christmas. Super SIL had already had GGB and was prego again. MIL blabbed on and on how she really hoped SIL would have another boy so they had another boy to carry on the family name, (SIL ended up having another boy...she is a god in their world). I could have slapped MIL.

Not only did she give me sh*t about NOT having a boy every time I saw her for 10+ years until DH told her to clam it, but I had to hear about the amazing Super SIL who can produce not only 1 but 2 boys...she should get a throne.

My only consolation is SILs husband, DH brother, is an a$$hole and gave the kid a horrible name, IMO. Wouldn't even consider the name SIL wanted. The kid is going to be haunted by his name FOREVER...I can't believe they did that.

[covered in blue]

Oh Aida that must have been awful :(

[Adia]

Oh Aida that must have been awful :(

Just remember, the gender idiots are everywhere!