Loss

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I had an ultrasound today after some cramping and bleeding. The baby is only measuring 7weeks 3 days and I am 10 weeks 3 days. There is no heart beat. 💔I am pretty shattered right now and waiting for this Cytotec to kick in is painful. I really hope it works tho so I can avoid a D&C. I have to go back to the ward tomorrow am and see how things have progressed.
I am completely exhausted and just emotionally drained. I received the results of my MaterniT21 screening- they say all was normal and that this baby was a female. I have a hard time believing it tho- with the condition of the baby I doubt there was any fetal DNA present in my blood. Makes me distrust the quality of their lab. I notified them by email about my miscarriage and I wonder what explanation they will give, not like it matters. The baby is no more.

[bluebonnet22]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thanks bluebonnet.

[covered in blue]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. It's just heartbreaking :(. Big hugs xx

[Nahri]

So sorry for your loss hun

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Being in that hospital, hearing this news was devastating although in retrospect I feel like I instinctively knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy. I just had a feeling something was off and I guess I was right.

I couldn't wait to get home and squeeze my boys. My oldest (he is 3) threw his arms around me when I walked in the door and said "I missed you so much mommy". That may be all the therapy I need:)

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Can anybody answer this question- I was 10+3 weeks pregnant and baby was measuring 7+2weeks. Does that mean the baby died at 7+2 weeks?

[covered in blue]

Possibly. Though when something isn't right they can grow really slow or even shrink while there is still a heart beat. (Happened to Oldmama on here).
I'm glad your boys are being good to you. Thinking of you!

[tarasue]

I am so sorry 2boys, it's a gut-wrenching feeling. In my case the baby grew slower than normal, but did have a hb at the first sono, no hb a week later. I should have been 8 weeks, baby was at 6 weeks. It's an awful thing to deal with around the holidays.

I took the cytotec orally, after 48 hours nothing happened and I went ahead with a dnc. I just needed it over with. That was a little over a week ago.

Again so sorry for your loss.

[Mamato3?]

I'm so sorry.Healing thoughts coming your way.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thankyou so much for your support. It's amazing how healing your words are and how I am already feeling like the grieving process is well underway. Thanks for that.

I think I may have passed the baby last night. I am almost certain. I hope so. It will make today so much easier for me- I am anti-hospital for many reasons, but mostly I just want this over with and don't want a D&C or having to spend the day in hospital. I will let you all know how it goes.

[eleena2014]

Sorry for your loss. I had a mmc at 12 weeks scan.baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. I can understand how you are feeling but it will get easier. Hope everything goes Ok for u.x

[maidentomother]

I am so sorry. I hope things resolve quickly. Thinking of you hun.

[mommymachine]

I am so sorry.

[atomic sagebrush]

Can anybody answer this question- I was 10+3 weeks pregnant and baby was measuring 7+2weeks. Does that mean the baby died at 7+2 weeks?

No, it doesn't mean that, it can mean that the baby was just growing very slowly. I had a friend whose baby grew very very slow during her entire pregnancy and was born weighing only 3 lbs at 9 months. (they held out like zero hope for it but somehow a miracle happened).

I know it's so so hard to understand when these things happen, esp. when the baby was normal in DNA, but they know about.001% of how all this works and literally millions of things have to go exactly right for a pregnancy to occur. IT's not surprising when it doesn't work out, it's actually surprising that it works out as often as it does. There are DNA things that don't show up on tests (and/or that they don't even know about yet) and things tht can go wrong that have nothing to do with DNA.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I received confirmation from the lab- the materniT21 screening contained loads of fetal DNA. I only had testing for 3 genetic diseases done to save $ and that included gender. The testing showed a slightly elevated chromosome 22 but because the panel I paid for wasn't checking it they didn't report it, I suppose now that the baby is gone they feel obligated to share this. Their genetic counsellor will be contacting my midwife to discuss the case. So truly this little babe just wasn't designed to survive. 💔. And it was my girl. No doubt in the testing about that. 💔

[atomic sagebrush]

Thank you for updating us on this, it makes it much easier to know what to tell others in similar situations when you guys share info with me.

I am so very sorry for your loss. :sadflwr:

[2boysJustOneGirl]

The email further stated the genetics counsellor was suspicious of mosaicism of chromosome 22.

http://mosaicism.cfri.ca/specific/trisomy22.htm

[Linzshine32]

I am so very sorry.

[girliedreamz]

So sorry, 2boys!

I'm in almost the same situation. At 9 weeks I went in for my first appointment and they told me there was no heartbeat and the baby measured 7 weeks. It took two heart wrenching weeks before I actually started bleeding and passed everything. Just finally stopped bleeding now, so I totally understand your relief at everything being passed and not having to go for the D&C. (That was my biggest worry once I got over the sad news that baby was no more.) I'm so glad you got some answers at least about the reason, and I sending healthy, sticky baby vibes your way if you decide to try again!

[True Blue]

So sorry for your loss 2boysjustonegirl :( wishing you all the best for the future.

[XXforhubby]

I am so sorry 2boysjustonegirl. I am praying for strength and healing to be sent your way. 😢


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[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thankyou ladies. I ended up having a D&C, after 48 hours there was still remains so I chose to just get it done and stop the drama of repeated ultrasounds and hospital visits. I couldn't take it anymore. I won't ever forget what the remains I passed looked like. 💔

Today has been very difficult so far. I am so weepy and just empty. I feel like my chance to have a daughter came and went. It's unbelievable how much this hurts right now and how angry I feel.

[atomic sagebrush]

Just to play "Bonnie Brightside" try to keep in mind, there are ladies on here with 3,4,5 girls in a row and Michelle Duggar had something like 6 boys in a row, then turned around and conceived 5 girls in a row. It does happen. Huge (((Hugs)))

[Blue-Blue-Pink?]

I am so so sorry for your loss, it's so unfair!
But you did conceive a girl so you are capable and you will again I'm sure
I hope you will heal

[1+2+3boys]

So sorry to hear of your loss and that it was confirmed to be your girl. How heart wrenching and unfair. Hopefully the MC can play a greater part in your pink sway as you have done it once so can do it again. Stay strong xo Some say pregnancies after a loss can be extra sticky due to just being pregnant before. I got two healthy ones just 4 months after my loss but I decided not to sway. I do sometimes regret that but I would never give back my twins of coarse. For me it helped being pregnant again so soon to heal the pain. I think if I had two and was going for number three I would not have stopped swaying. Goodluck and wishing you a nice Christmas surrounded by caring people. I hope the future holds a healthy daughter for you xoxo

[essnce629]

I'm so sorry for your loss. What an incredibly difficult thing to go through during the holidays. I had my loss in October and was a mess for weeks after. Sending you lots of healing vibes your way during this difficult time. (((HUGS)))

[Grace]

I'm so sorry your going through this 2boys! I'm sure you have a fair chance to get a healthy girl soon. Sending you healing vibes xx

[foxymrsg]

I'm so very sorry for your loss!

[aidansmum]

oh hun, been there, it's an awful feeling and a huge heartbreak, and the worst thing is that society expects you to 'move on' as early M/C are not usually 'mourned for', at least that's how I felt when I had mine at 9 weeks (baby measuring 6 and a half). I heard lots of 'it wasn't meant to be' and hurt in silence. If you feel like that just come here and tell us how you feel, many ladies here will understand and sympathize. And allow yourself to grieve. Hugs.

[Kittybear]

I am only just catching up on your news. I am so, so sorry for your loss Hun. It is so unfair. Give yourself time. Your little one will live on in your heart. Xxx

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thankyou so much for all your kind words. I am feeling like the healing has really begun- or at least I am not weeping every 20 minutes. Only three times all day today!

My Christmas was crap. Christmas Eve we had friends over and I drank too much wine and beer. Christmas Day I tried to focus on the joy of my babes but it was tough to do. My husband had been wonderfully supportive and I am so grateful for him and his ability to lift me up.

Today I shared my loss with my mom, sister and brother. It's felt so good for them to know what I had been going through- they were all supportive and sorry and it just helps to recognize and acknowledge the baby that left me way too early.

[tarasue]

Once I shared with my parents that I was pregnant and chances were I was going to loose the baby I felt a huge wave of relief. It was only two weeks ago, but I feel like I am emotionally doing better with each day. My husband and I did get asked, by a family friend, on Christmas Eve when we were going to have another baby... I broke down in the middle of dinner. My husband has been great! It is like your mourning by yourself though, it was so early no one but me had a real attachment to this baby yet. Take care of yourself! I have been taking too good of care of myself and letting myself eat what and when ever I want..... We are on a family vacation now and won't get back to normal until the first of the year . Then I must crack down in the LE, and hopefully drop some of the 10 pounds I've put on in this last two months:/.

[girliedreamz]

I feel you on Christmas woes! My sis-in-law has a newborn baby girl, and just being around her was so conflicting. Love her to death...but so sad I'm not getting one. (yet!) And when I was holding her, mom-in-law kept hinting that I should have a baby girl. And by "hinting" I mean she went as far as buying my youngest boy a shirt that reads "I'm being promoted to Big Brother." (Mind you, I NEVER told her I was pregnant.) WTF, woman!? I almost felt like telling her, "Sure, I'll just run down to the baby girl store and pick one up. 'Cause it's that easy, right?" All of my family is well-meaning, but it was hard to take. I'm looking forward to a fresh start in Jan!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I feel you on Christmas woes! My sis-in-law has a newborn baby girl, and just being around her was so conflicting. Love her to death...but so sad I'm not getting one. (yet!) And when I was holding her, mom-in-law kept hinting that I should have a baby girl. And by "hinting" I mean she went as far as buying my youngest boy a shirt that reads "I'm being promoted to Big Brother." (Mind you, I NEVER told her I was pregnant.) WTF, woman!? I almost felt like telling her, "Sure, I'll just run down to the baby girl store and pick one up. 'Cause it's that easy, right?" All of my family is well-meaning, but it was hard to take. I'm looking forward to a fresh start in Jan!

Oh that's sucks. Must have been difficult to be around that. How far along are you now?

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Once I shared with my parents that I was pregnant and chances were I was going to loose the baby I felt a huge wave of relief. It was only two weeks ago, but I feel like I am emotionally doing better with each day. My husband and I did get asked, by a family friend, on Christmas Eve when we were going to have another baby... I broke down in the middle of dinner. My husband has been great! It is like your mourning by yourself though, it was so early no one but me had a real attachment to this baby yet. Take care of yourself! I have been taking too good of care of myself and letting myself eat what and when ever I want..... We are on a family vacation now and won't get back to normal until the first of the year . Then I must crack down in the LE, and hopefully drop some of the 10 pounds I've put on in this last two months:/.

I feel like my coping skills are not great, I wish I had more motivation to do the cardio-I feel like it would likely benefit my spirit more than the wine and beer. I am just so pissed off I am back at square one. Swaying sucks.

If I don't get a BFP in January I am going to postponed TTC. I don't think i can emotionally handle weeks and weeks of swaying then weeks of waiting to know gender. My head is so different going into this now- I am weak and I feel like I don't have the drive to do it.

[tarasue]

Ya I am not excited about swaying now.. having to start over now, I just don't have the same drive and commitment I did back in October.

[Grace]

I feel the same way. I was doing so good on LE for five months, but now after the mc it seems like my will power just flew out the window...I keep promising myself tomorrow I'll pull myself together, but everyday is a struggle. And I feel my body is so weak from the endless bleeding, that sure doesn't help. What I find most difficult is no snacking. I'm hungry all the time. I guess it's a mix of self pity, crazy hormones and the cold weather. I really hope this mc a strong sway factor.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I hear ya Grace. It's just such an emotionally draining experience and then you realize you have to start swaying again and the emotions only go more wild. I am so glad we have each other on this site. Nobody could possibly know how tough this really is for us with GD.

Grace is a beautiful name. That is one of my girl names:)

[QueenB3blue]

I am so sorry ladies:( what you are all feeling is so familiar for me. I found it incredibly difficult to motivate myself after my mc. Especially while I was bleeding. I bled for about 3 weeks then spotted for a week then my bleeding picked back up for another week. Are you guys taking an iron supplement 3x a week? I didn't take it the first 2 weeks, but when I did it seemed to help.

Try not to think of it as starting over but just picking up were you left off. Best wishes for all of you:)

[Grace]

Thanks 2boys, I've always loved that name. It reminds me of Little house on the prairie :)

The thing is, I never got to go back to my normal diet. During my very short pregnancy I wasn't feeling hungry, and I continued to eat pretty much LE style. Ironic huh? Just since the mc everything started getting out of hand. I've gained 3 or 4 pounds this past week!!! Today is a little better diet wise, so I hope I'm on the right track.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

How is the diet now Grace? I also felt like I could have ate better when I was pregnant, I craved carbs like mad but in the 10 weeks I only gained 2 lbs which I have lost in the past week. My appetite has been pretty horrible lately which make the LE diet manageable but I am still cheating- I feel like my soul needs chocolate!

Today I am so angry- I keep seeing ppl who are connected to women who have recently had babies and I just want to scream. One In particular is the mom of a women who is a drug addict and she gave birth to an addicted baby girl the day after my D&C. That reality is just harsh and unbelievably cruel. It basically breaks my heart and soul to think about it. I suppose reminders will pop up all the time- I hope I eventually can deflect them instead of letting them in to destroy any joy I have found since my loss. Some days are just better than others and I am very aware that I would be more able to cope if I could stay sad as opposed to angry. Anger is so ugly and painful.

[Grace]

My diet is ok, but could be a lot better. I just want REAL food you know? I am not as strict as I was before the mc, but trying to do my best. I think anger is a way to get rid of negative emotions, so in way it's good you feel angry. I feel rather numb- not too sad, not happy, kind of confused. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I was so fixed on having another baby before this mess, but after going through this mc I can't help wondering whether it's the right decision for my family. Am I making my kids 'pay' for my obssesion with having a girl? Am I devoting more attention to my not even concieved yet baby instead of my real kids? Yet , I'm continuing this horrible diet so maybe deep down I know the answer xoxoxo

[eleena2014]

I'm feeling angry this month.we ttc the second cycle after miscarriage and I think I'm out. I really wanted to see bfp this month,now I have to go back on the diet e.t.c. I am 12 dpo and still bfn :mad:

[2boysJustOneGirl]

The unfortunate thing is we have no control over what our hearts want. I have chosen to go easy on myself and quit the guilt-on some level I believe my boys understand this all and love me anyway, just as I love them in spite of my desire for a daughter. Go easy on yourself Grace❤️

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I'm feeling angry this month.we ttc the second cycle after miscarriage and I think I'm out. I really wanted to see bfp this month,now I have to go back on the diet e.t.c. I am 12 dpo and still bfn :mad:

12dpo is still early! There may still be hope.

[1+2+3boys]

A dream is a wish your heart makes (a sentence in some song I heard today)

I hope all you ladies who have had losses are healing. I promise you it does get easier. xo

[atomic sagebrush]

My diet is ok, but could be a lot better. I just want REAL food you know? I am not as strict as I was before the mc, but trying to do my best. I think anger is a way to get rid of negative emotions, so in way it's good you feel angry. I feel rather numb- not too sad, not happy, kind of confused. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I was so fixed on having another baby before this mess, but after going through this mc I can't help wondering whether it's the right decision for my family. Am I making my kids 'pay' for my obssesion with having a girl? Am I devoting more attention to my not even concieved yet baby instead of my real kids? Yet , I'm continuing this horrible diet so maybe deep down I know the answer xoxoxo

Tons of us feel this way, and even sometimes after getting our desired gender. :/ I think sometimes, wow we probably would have been better off without all this gender disappointment, did I do the right thing, etc. I wouldn't change a thing of course, but - I do wonder sometimes.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Just when I feel like I have a bit of my strength back emotionally, a pregnancy announcement "due in July" comes up and I can't help but be so, so sad. And then I am angry because I never used to be this person. And then I hold my breath and realize oh my god, she will probably have a girl...I was supposed to have a girl in July and I really cannot fathom that blow. Defeated. :(


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[XXforhubby]

Oh honey, I just want to give you a hug! Be kind to yourself right now- you are still healing. Take each day, each moment, as they come. Sit with your feelings, feel them, then just try to breathe. I believe in my heart of hearts you WILL get your DD. 😘


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[essnce629]

Just when I feel like I have a bit of my strength back emotionally, a pregnancy announcement "due in July" comes up and I can't help but be so, so sad. And then I am angry because I never used to be this person. And then I hold my breath and realize oh my god, she will probably have a girl...I was supposed to have a girl in July and I really cannot fathom that blow. Defeated. :(


Totally normal feelings 2boys. (((HUGS))) After my miscarriage in October I was super depressed for weeks (probably like 6 weeks or more). It was the darkest I ever felt ever. I would break down crying almost every time I was in the car alone driving and I cried myself to sleep almost every night and DH wouldn't even notice. I didn't want to do anything but sleep when I was alone. Three of my best friends both have 2 girls each and no boys and it's only been in the last few weeks that I've been able to talk to them on the phone again. My one best friend and I used to talk on the phone almost every day and since my miscarriage I've talked to her a total of 3 times. I couldn't bear to hear her talk about her daughter's ballet classes, girl scouts, and love of American Girl dolls. It just made me so sad. It's now been 3.5 months and I'm finally starting to feel normal again emotionally. I also found out that I had extremely low iron (ferritin) from years of heavy periods and then the miscarriage, and that was causing me to be depressed and tired as well.