So so so angry

[CdinGA]

Haven't posted on here in about 6 months. My 3rd baby girl will be 6 months in about 2 weeks. Some of you may remember me but if not I struggled with GD from the minute I realized I was having another girl. All signs symptoms and old wives tales pointed to girl and I knew all along even though we stayed team green during my pregnancy. I love my new daughter. She is so so cute. She was a colicky baby and for the first three months I found myself wondering why I ever wanted another baby. It took me a while to bond with her and I haven't wanted to talk about it at all. Now I find myself obsessed with having a son. She was absolutely my last chance. I had to force my husband into having her and I still feel guilty even asking him for help with her. I don't even think I want another baby and all the work that comes with it. I feel that I am sick. A sick sick person. I have been contemplating therapy because I really feel like I need help to not feel this way.
On top of that, BOTH Of MY NEIGHBORS.... Both of them, who are in their later baby making days, and who just so happened to get pregnant, are having boys.
I am so angry. So damn angry. I don't get it.
I find myself fantasizing about having another baby even though I know I can't. IVe been thinking about high tech and how I could afford it. It's CRAZINESS. Bananas. Ugh I don't have anyone else to Vent to. I feel like if I tell my husband he would freak out. I'm sure someone knows how I feel! Lol

[pink_bean]

I can understand how you feel. I have two boys and always wanted a girl. You are not sick you are just grieving the loss of a dream and anger is one of the stages. Therapy may help you sort things out. I think you are also probably exhausted and probably still hormonal, which can exacerbate GD.

I understand how you feel, I'm in no way in a position to have another baby and my husband does not want anymore but I fantasize about having a baby girl all the time. My youngest is only 9 months old. And I am head over heels in love with him and yet I still grieve that baby girl I never got to have.

I just want you to know you are not alone, all of us here understand.

[Adia]

First of all, everything you are experiencing is something many of us have experienced and can totally relate with.

At this point time will help with a lot of things. Letting that baby get a little older before any major, final decisions are made is probably best.

And therapy can only HELP, it can't hurt. Make sure you screen potential therapists to help you deal with GD specific issues...if you start working with someone and you aren't feeling better, find someone else. Simple as that.

The third of the same gender seems to be the hardest. I have seen it many times, and experienced it myself.
That baby was supposed to be a boy, but she isn't....its hard.
Hang in there.
Big hugs mama, it gets better with time, I promise!

[CdinGA]

Thanks ladies! I have to talk it out. And yes obviously it's way too soon for any decisions. Worst is the neighbors situation and How you feel jipped. Interestingly the neighbor who I'm friends with had 3 girls then a boy and now is pregnant with another boy. So it is possible without even trying or swaying. BUT I don't have the opportunity to duggar it out like she does. She's content with staying home and having used everything (please I mean no offense I am not snobby or wealthy) but my husband isn't ok with it. Her husband would be on board with whatever she wanted because he's never around and she does all the work. And their religion is part of it too.
It's nice to have people that understand the jealousy. I want to be happy for her but I'm just jealous and spiteful. That's why I think I need therapy I'm just not a nice person. But I am feeling better today and trying to think "maybe one day" because that's easier to take than never.

[pink_bean]

Jealousy and comparison seem to go hand in hand with GD. Especially that first year post-partum those feelings can be brutal. You are not a bad person for your feelings! Obviously if you could control your feelings you would not have GD and there would be no need for these forums.
You need to be able to vent in a safe place and trust me, you are not alone in your jealousy. Believe me, I have had many thoughts and feelings I am not proud of that stemmed from GD. I also think the planning on what to do next in order to get your Dream Gender is a coping method. Vent as much as you need to here!

[CdinGA]

Thank you pinkbean. You can have all my pink swagger. It makes us feel awful to be jealous. I'm feeling like I know what I want out of life and dag-nabbit (lol) I should have it!

[Adia]

I heard a celebrity say that she tells her kids, "Your feelings are neither fact, nor forever." I think she's a great mom and I use that line myself now.

I TOTALLY relate to the jealousy and anger towards those whose life/religion give them the 'license' to crank out the kids regardless of a lot of other things. BELIEVE me I understand this VERY WELL. PM is you want to chat more.

You aren't a mean person and their is nothing wrong with you. You are disappointed and sad and those are two totally acceptable feelings as a human being. So long as you do what you need to do to work through those feelings and not make others responsible for them, you are on the right track to better days. I promise!

[CdinGA]

Thank you Adia. I have all these feelings and thoughts and they are all in my head and I don't have any one to talk to except you all here. I know what i feel isn't right. I asked my husband tonight what his dreams are for his life and he wants a hot tub and to retire with money. Lol I'm like all I want is to be a boys mom. Can we spend 20k ? Lol I'm crazy I think. I luv you all for your non judgement and compassion


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[pink_bean]

I would take some of your pink swagger in a heartbeat! �� and I also understand feeling jealous towards people who's religions or other lifestyle aspects allow them to have large families. I have posted before how I feel angry that other people have decided I should be done at 2, including my husband, in laws and my own family . But I also know deep down that our circumstances would make it really tough for us to have any more children.

I'm glad you are finding some comfort in sharing your feelings here. I think it can be crucial to healing to be able to talk about your GD and often times our loved ones do not allow us to do that in "real" life and in fact sometimes make us feel like bad people for our very valid feelings. I know for myself I can no longer even attempt to get my husband to understand how I feel and it's very isolating. So, I come here.
If you ever want to talk you can pm me too, if you want.

[pink_bean]

Thank you Adia. I have all these feelings and thoughts and they are all in my head and I don't have any one to talk to except you all here. I know what i feel isn't right. I asked my husband tonight what his dreams are for his life and he wants a hot tub and to retire with money. Lol I'm like all I want is to be a boys mom. Can we spend 20k ? Lol I'm crazy I think. I luv you all for your non judgement and compassion


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You are not crazy and I can tell you have a sense of humor about it which is a good thing! I am there with you because my husband makes plans for the future, in the next year we are hoping to get a bigger car and a larger house and I'm like good more room for another baby! Lol he just laughs this off

[CdinGA]

Thank you much for the friendship. Why do others
get to tell us what is best for us? Can't they mind their own business? And why does he who holds the checkbook make the decisions, hold the power? New paver patio (his idea) no problem. New living room furniture (my idea) issue. ?? :/
I get it. And I like our lifestyle , having a big house and new cars. But people do it without that and they are happy right? For now I just am not ready to let go.


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[Claire33]

Sorry you're dealing with this :( GD sucks sucks sucks, and at times a lonely journey.

Is there no way to convince your DH to go HT? Just throwing it out there. I explained to my DH that I would rather live with a lot less for a few years and get my DG than live in a nice house, make nice trips, get a new car etc. I'd rather take the bus for a few years than not get my DG. Luckily he understood my desperation and said ok to spending money on HT (when we ended up not needing, but that's another story). HT is expensive, so I don't know if you can ever afford it and if your DH will ever say yes. Good luck dealing with this and I hope you get peace one way or the other.

:bighug: to you!