Infertility blues - need support

[LacePrincess]

I probably should be posting in the infertility section instead but that board seems to have no activity so I'm posting here instead, hope y'all will bear with me. :)

I'm having a bad day today. :( Yesterday was our first appointment with the RE here, not for HT for GS, but for straight up infertility help. My cycles are simply shot to hell and I'm not ovulating properly at all, might not have been going back a few years.

Secondary infertility IS a thing and it hurts like hell. It took us 14 months to conceive DS3 so I can't deny that there are issues that stretch back a good 5-6 years for us. The appt with the RE went well, we liked him and he's the director at our fertility center, and a PCOS expert so we trust he knows his stuff! He thinks our issues are twofold - questionable morphology for DH, and I'm not ovulating properly on top of that. We have to redo all our testing before he has a clearer picture, but for now I get to start Femara with my next cycle and we'll go from there. He's also not a fan of IUI's at all if morphology is an issue. Frankly it scares the piss out of me that we might have to jump straight to IVF, considering the cost issue. IUI's are partially covered by OHIP so it's only a few hundred per month, but IVF isn't covered at all so it's an enormous sum of money if we had to go there. I'm scared. :(

I'm just feeling really really blue today. I think it's just hitting home that yesterday we went to an INfertility clinic for INFERTILITY. Not for HT with GS as a fertile couple, but for actual freaking INFERTILITY. Though I wouldn't say we are truly infertile, we are at the very least subfertile, and that is a hard pill to swallow. Yesterday we were hearing things about potential ovarian reserve issues, morphology issues, ovulation issues, and well....it's all just depressing and makes me feel defective.

It's doubly hard since with 3 kids, well, it's hard to bitch about having infertility issues. My bff is supportive but I don't feel right complaining to her when she's struggling with primary infertility. I can't really join infertility boards - secondary infertility IS a thing but usually most people have 1 or maybe 2 kids, I've never seen anyone post on secondary infertility boards who already has 3 kids. But the pain of fertility issues, no matter how many kids you already have, seems to be the same.....it's having that choice taken away from you that hurts the worst, I think.

All of this has really struck home to me too, how much we just want to have another child. Girl or not. I don't care. I'm just feeling devastated right now at the thought of never being preggo again. And tonight I have to go to DS2's school talent show and see my very very preggo neighbour and be all bitter and nasty and jealous. :( And then feel like sh!t about myself being a lousy person for being such a shrew.

Well if anyone actually read all this, thank you, lol. And thank you in advance for any support too. I just feel so lonely and sad today. :(

[djmommy]

Lace, I just want to give you a big hug! I DO totally understand exactly what you are going through. I have two beautiful and healthy boys and have been struggling for over a year!!! I would have NEVER thought I would need to see an RE! My boys were conceived very quickly and my youngest isn't even 3 yet. This is so very draining, emotionally and physically. I have very low AMH. My DH has never even had a professional SA, only an at home one and it has been a struggle to try to get him to have one just for peace of mind. On top of that my RE has the worst bedside manner and told me at least I have a better chance of getting pregnant that winning the lotto and I am not a candidate for IVF. This is SO HARD!!! I have friends who were not even trying to get pregnant who have already gone on to have their baby and I am still struggling. The thought of not being pregnant again and not having another baby is totally devastating to me. I wish I had advice for you, I just want you to know I understand and I am so very sorry that you are struggling as well. I think it is great that you are seeing an RE and being proactive. It will happen for you. I need to keep reminding myself that it WILL happen and it will be so worth all of this "stuff" we are going through.
I am on femera this cycle so hopefully I will have luck and you will too!!
Please know that it is ok to feel this way, how ever many kids you have. Infertility in any way hurts!

Hugs to you!! XXOO

[LacePrincess]

*BIG HUGS* Djmommy. This sucks SO DAMNED HARD. Thank you for listening and thank you SO MUCH for your support.

I'm so sorry you're struggling too. It really hurts like a bitch. It really isn't about how many you already have but the loss of the future dreams that you had for your future. I'm sorry your hubby is dragging his heels on the SA! That's so annoying! I'm grateful that my DH at least will do anything I ask - bd on schedule, SA's, vits, LOL. So that's something. Except he's SO in denial. To him since we've had 3 well obviously we can have more it's just a matter of time. Sigh.

So why did your RE not think IVF was an option for you? That really sucks!!

[Adia]

So sorry honey. I totally relate. I struggled for a while to conceive DD2 and I struggled for over 2 years to conceive this baby.

Secondary fertility is such a horrid mind game. You KNOW your body can make a baby, but it just can't for the time being for some unknown bizarre reason.

I wish I had some good advice, I can only pray that you can hang in there and cope the best you can taking it one day at a time.

I think one of the hardest parts is not really having any way of getting the frustration out. Like you said, we don't really qualify for the infertility boards, or sympathy from those struggling with primary infertility. DH was a champ listening to all my frustration with swaying and secondary infertility, but after a while, their was nothing new to say so I didn't feel right complaining or venting to DH. Men just want to move on after a while and not dwell on things they can't fix, which is understandable.

After two years of TTC, acupuncture seemed to make a difference and natural thyroid medication did it for me. I did a round of 10 sessions of acupuncture several months before I conceived so it wasn't an instant fix, but I think it made a difference.

Hang in there honey. Try and maintain a balance and don't be hard on yourself.
Big hugs mama.

[LacePrincess]

Thanks Adia. :) It really helps to hear from those who understand! It is really hard feeling like you don't 'belong' anywhere though.... not with the infertility boards, and not with the regular fertile ttc boards, and especially since we already have a 'big' family no one wants to hear that we're having trouble with #4. Too many just think that's being 'greedy' so it makes me not want to post at all on those secondary infertility boards yk? I'm already feeling so emotionally vulnerable I can't take board drama. :(

I'm glad at least I can post here!!

[XXforhubby]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Lace! It simply SUCKS! No matter how many kids you have, infertility is hard. I sure hope you get answers and know that you have every right to feel the way you do, regardless!

Hugs!! I'm hoping and praying you get a healthy, hopefully pink, sticky bean very soon!!


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[Pink rose 76]

I'm so sorry to hear this laceprincess. I can understand it must be such a shock to the system to hear you need IVF to get pregnant let alone for pgd.

I do think acupuncture wud be worth a shot using chinese medicine. As you say your pretesting wasn't too bad so a tweak here and there naturally may be worth a shot whilst you're doing the 'normal' medicine.
I know one of my sonographers and nurse taking bloods was questioning me why I was doing IVF if I already had 2 kids and they weren't very sympathetic and it hurts. Just cos you have kids it is a personal choice whether you have more or not people shudnt judge.

Know we are always here for you to talk to and please don't worry remind yourself you will get your dream keep positive. And also think you might not have your new baby yet but the three children you do have are fabulous and handsome, and you've made them that way. I know that's hard it's what I do sometimes. I just remind myself my boys are the best!

Take care hun and know we are thinking of you xxxx

[LacePrincess]

Thanks Pinkrose. :) I'm trying not to presume the worst and just wait and see what the new round of pretesting comes up with.

I am quite thankful indeed that I didn't get blown off by the RE. I must admit going into the appt I was very worried since I've read about a lot of people who get dismissed by the RE when they're having infertility issues after having a few kids. My RE has 5 kids himself so he doesn't think we're insane for wanting more!

I do love my boys to death but it doesn't fill the gaping hole that ttc and failing leaves..... if someday I had to close the door without having any more babies I'm sure I'll come to terms with it, but for now it's a painful reality. I think that so much of my self identity is wrapped up in being a mom that losing the ability to have anymore children feels like a heckuva existential crisis, if that makes sense. I don't think that this is a healthy state of mind either, and I will be going to see an infertility counsellor soon since I do think I need change my state of mind and perspectives.

I must say that I'm not a believer in TCM like, at all, LOL. Ironic considering I'm ethnically Chinese. I'd have to read a whole lot of scientific research proving the effectiveness of acupuncture beyond a placebo affect before I'd put money into trying it.

[atomic sagebrush]

No Chinese Medicine. That has caused more trouble for more women than any single thing I know of. They hand out some dangerous herbs and also things that really muck up cycles. For everyone who it seemed to work for, there are 10 other people who had trouble with it.

Acupuncture I think may help simply to lay down and relax for a few minutes and it does get some blood flowing, you may get the same benefits from a massage. :)

[djmommy]

*BIG HUGS* Djmommy. This sucks SO DAMNED HARD. Thank you for listening and thank you SO MUCH for your support.

I'm so sorry you're struggling too. It really hurts like a bitch. It really isn't about how many you already have but the loss of the future dreams that you had for your future. I'm sorry your hubby is dragging his heels on the SA! That's so annoying! I'm grateful that my DH at least will do anything I ask - bd on schedule, SA's, vits, LOL. So that's something. Except he's SO in denial. To him since we've had 3 well obviously we can have more it's just a matter of time. Sigh.

So why did your RE not think IVF was an option for you? That really sucks!!

Thank you Lace. Honestly I think my DH is in denial as well. I know it does not affect them in the same way it does for us. He doesn't really know I am swaying much per se but is pretty much always there to BD when I tell him and I know he would take whatever I asked. We were talking about doing a SA and of course as every man does, he thinks he is totally fine, but agreed to do an at home one and that came out normal but it does not test all of the factors, just the sperm count. SO if this cycle doesn't work, I am going to make him get one. I can't continue without him getting one. My ovarian reserve is very low so I am not a candidate for IVF and we could never afford it either.
I am thankful that we both have a place to vent because the pain of this is very real.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

[LacePrincess]

No Chinese Medicine. That has caused more trouble for more women than any single thing I know of. They hand out some dangerous herbs and also things that really muck up cycles. For everyone who it seemed to work for, there are 10 other people who had trouble with it.

Acupuncture I think may help simply to lay down and relax for a few minutes and it does get some blood flowing, you may get the same benefits from a massage. :)

Glad you agree! :) I think too that most of it is a placebo/relaxation thing. I am SUPER SUPER SUPER phobic about being infected with icky needles at places that don't practice proper needle hygiene, so the whole idea of acupuncture is like OMG NO. LOL. Plus $$$!!

Besides, hubby gives an excellent massage. For free! ;)

[LacePrincess]

Thank you Lace. Honestly I think my DH is in denial as well. I know it does not affect them in the same way it does for us. He doesn't really know I am swaying much per se but is pretty much always there to BD when I tell him and I know he would take whatever I asked. We were talking about doing a SA and of course as every man does, he thinks he is totally fine, but agreed to do an at home one and that came out normal but it does not test all of the factors, just the sperm count. SO if this cycle doesn't work, I am going to make him get one. I can't continue without him getting one. My ovarian reserve is very low so I am not a candidate for IVF and we could never afford it either.
I am thankful that we both have a place to vent because the pain of this is very real.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

*giant smooshy hugs* Djmommy. I know how you feel. :(

Men are often in denial, but also because they don't see any use in emotionally being so down about something that they can't 'fix'. I know it's practical and probably smarter, but as a woman I can't help it. It's in the very soul of my being, yk?

My DH knows very well that no matter what limits we set, if it came down to it I'd break it. At this point I refuse to set age limits anymore because with HT tech being what it is, you can keep trying so much later, and my RE even told me that 40 isn't necessarily quitting time! So yeah the only limits I have anymore are a) menopause (obviously!) and b) we simply CAN'T make another with our own DNA. Donor anything isn't an option for us at all.

Otherwise for things like finances, well I'd love to say I'll be fiscally responsible, but he and I both know if it came down to it I'd spend every last cent we could find and run up every credit card we had to keep trying as long as there was realistic hope. My view is, we have the rest of our lives to make money (and with DH's job he's only going to be more financially secure as time goes on) but I only have at most maaaaaybe 7-8 years to have babies. And once I'm too old, that's it for a LIFETIME. I can't for the sake of finances close the door on that, there just are no more second chances once I'm too old. Especially when we already know we're set for income/retirement in the future.

Okay I'll admit that I wouldn't go as far as selling the house, LOL. But a second mortgage? Heck if I had to, I would!

I'm also just swimming in a sea of blues this week because it's hitting me really hard on an existential basis. My LIFE is a mom and military wife. I have no career outside of it, and with hubby's job it calls for it - the whole 1950's housewife thing is kind of my reality. Which is fine but when I'm having infertility issues now, it just really really screws with my identity and my sense of my purpose in life, yk? It's like the thing I was MEANT to do, and loved to do, and now I can't. It's making me feel so damned listless and lost.

I want to find a new purpose, a new job/career, but logistically it's so damned hard. DH will be sent away for his next military posting in Aug, which means I won't have help with the boys, and I'm limited in job hunting since I could only work a few hours mid day while they're in school. I couldn't work after hours/weekends. I'd love to go back to study psychology in uni, but that's $$$$ and all our money needs to go into infertility stuff now. I feel like I'm stuck and so damned lonely.

I'm currently trying to find a local support group - and even that is difficult as hell because I have 3 kids, and well, most infertility groups would have little sympathy for me. :( I'm so lonely right now. I've cried daily this week because I feel so lost and alone right now. I am going to see the counsellor at the fertility centre too, and I hope that'll help.

Btw regarding the SA - it's a good idea to get a full one done, including the Kruger. My DH's count/motility are excellent! But.....morphology isn't. And morphology according to my RE can be a dealbreaker in natural conception. My RE thinks that's why we took so long to conceive naturally, likely a morphology issue. Unfortunately there's no easy fix for that one. I'm praying that Fertilaid has helped because if DH's morphology is still crap with his next SA, my RE is going to advise against IUI's. Which means if the cheaper non intervention methods (like Clomid, Femara, etc) don't work we're looking straight down the barrel of IVF again. :(

[Adia]

No Chinese Medicine. That has caused more trouble for more women than any single thing I know of. They hand out some dangerous herbs and also things that really muck up cycles. For everyone who it seemed to work for, there are 10 other people who had trouble with it.

Acupuncture I think may help simply to lay down and relax for a few minutes and it does get some blood flowing, you may get the same benefits from a massage. :)

I agree with Atomic. I developed an ovarian cyst that burst and I firmly believe it was from the chinese herbs.

HOWEVER, the acupuncture did seem to help. I do think opening energy fields can only help matters of infertility.

The herbs and the acupuncture are two different facets of TCM and one can be done without the other.