IF + GD = special form of hell

[LacePrincess]

So now that we've had our initial consult with our RE, the reality that we're 'officially' infertile has hit home. And on top of that is still this godawful horrible GD that just WILL NOT GO AWAY.

No matter what I've tried in self-talk, reasoning, trying to change my thoughts and viewpoints, no matter how many of my blessings I count, no matter what bonding activities I do with my boys, I finally admit I cannot banish this damned monster. The GD bitterness is something I just can't rid myself of. It is this horrible yearning that is with me every damned day and only grows worse as we struggle to conceive again at all. I hate it so much.

Oh sure I say all the right things. Heck I could search my old posts here on GD and find lots of posts I wrote about how wonderful having 3 boys is. And it is! But it hasn't done a thing to abate the longing for a girl I have that seems to just eat me up inside. The fertility troubles we're having now is just making it so much worse. Because before I could say, well we'll just keep having kids till we get a girl is all....but now I have to face reality that having ANY more at all is going to be hard and probably expensive, if it's possible at all. So we also face having to compromise much of my sway to get preggo at all. It feels like giving up and it SUCKS.

And this week is especially hellish because my neighbour is due any day now. Everyday I get to see her and be bitterly jealous that she's preggo. And every day I'm just waiting for her to have the baby and it'll probably be another girl. I already HATED her so frigging much that she got her PP, and just watch she'll have another girl and it'll feel absolutely devastating when we can't get preggo at all.

I will be seeing an infertility counsellor next week, and I'll have to deal with not just my issues with my IF but also my GD. I'm terrified of being judged though. But I do need help because I don't know how to make peace with my feelings, and everyday it's just hurting so damned much. :(

[Summerstown]

Oh Lace, I am so so sorry. It is especially hard having someone so close to you being pregnant. You have had such a tough year. Would you consider adoption? Xxx

[nuthinbutpink]

I would just be an open book at this point. What do you have to lose?? What if you get pregnant with another boy? Is that going to be ok? Do you have insurance that would cover IVF for infertility purposes?

[atomic sagebrush]

I"m so sorry Lace. I wish I knew how to fix this for you.

[LacePrincess]

pink_bean - thank you for the support. :) It does mean a lot already to know when I'm crying and posting on the anonymous interwebs, that there are kind people out there actually listening. It helps just to feel less alone, so thank you!!


Summerstown - thank you for listening! For us no, adoption really isn't something for us. I do believe that adoption is a wonderful and very special thing, but it has to 'speak' to your heart, and for us it's just not something we yearn for ourselves. Our final final line would be IVF until it's useless, and we wouldn't do donor anything either because if we can't make another baby with our own genes, then we're done. We're a long way from having to close that door of course, but that would be it for us if it came down to that.


NBP - oh believe me at this point I don't care what gender we have! LOL I want desperately to have another child. But no matter what I do to try to convince myself, I'd be a lying liar liar if I didn't admit that deep down in the very bottom of my heart if I never have a girl I will always, always feel like a piece of my soul is missing. I've tried to kill that stupid desire since my very first pregnancy and it hasn't gone away. I don't think it ever will. I really hope counselling will help me deal with that.

When I see baby boys now, I feel nostalgic and a sweet longing to have another baby boy. So of course I'd adore the heck out of a boy! When I see baby girls or toddler girls though, omg the pain just makes it so I can't even breathe. I can barely look at them at all because it hurts SO damned much and all I can feel is jealousy so intense it borders on hatred. It's the ugliest thing ever. And it's nothing I can bring up at IF peer groups of course, so it's so danged isolating to have these horrible feelings too.

Unfortunately for us, no ivf is covered at all. :( IUI is pretty much fully covered by my provincial insurance, and I'm fortunate I have an excellent drug plan so all drugs would be covered at 90% with no cap, but the IVF procedure itself isn't covered at all. :( My plan, if low intervention fails us and we have to go HT again, is to look into clinics all over again and probably check out US ones again, maybe in the NY area. Maybe GS can come back onto the table but with a big caveat that just getting preggo, period, is the main priority. I have a lot to research and think about though.

[Adia]

Lace, big big hug to you. I am so sorry.

Infertility after having had 3 kids is insane. No one cares because "you already have 3 kids" and you KNOW your body can do it...but who the hell knows why it won't???

Can you seek some support from a counselor? It might help just take the edge off. You could bitch about your neighbor to a real person and get some empathy. That may be just enough to help you refocus.

Hang in there. Things will change with time, thank goodness!

[LacePrincess]

I"m so sorry Lace. I wish I knew how to fix this for you.

Oh gosh I wish too! Thank you though, so much, I really am so appreciative that you don't mind listening. :) I've always been subfertile so worrying about my fertility isn't new, but I've never felt quite so broken before. It really sucks. I'm just grateful that we did decide to start having kids young, because if I'd waited till my 30's who knows if we'd ever have had any at all.

[LacePrincess]

Lace, big big hug to you. I am so sorry.

Infertility after having had 3 kids is insane. No one cares because "you already have 3 kids" and you KNOW your body can do it...but who the hell knows why it won't???

Can you seek some support from a counselor? It might help just take the edge off. You could bitch about your neighbor to a real person and get some empathy. That may be just enough to help you refocus.

Hang in there. Things will change with time, thank goodness!

Adia - thank you!! That's it exactly - infertility after 3 kids really IS insane. And well, to like 99.99% of the people I know, 3 kids is already 'too many'. After that it's Duggarville so no one wants to hear about it and no one is sympathetic. They all just think I'm insane for wanting more.

I am seeing a counsellor on Tues - I realized too that I needed help! DH isn't much help since he has GD himself.

I am very very grateful that my RE has been VERY kind. He has 5 kids himself, lol, so he obviously likes piles of children too! And as my RE describes it, essentially we've always been subfertile. He suspects DH has always had iffy morphology, and our history for TTC is:

DS1 - 2 cycles
DS2 - 9 cycles
DS3 - 14 cycles

So it's been getting worse and worse over time anyways so really, it's not a huge shocker that at this point we're having infertility issues. My RE thinks that our fertility problems (DH's morphology plus my ovulation issues) made it harder and harder to get preggo and now they've worsened just enough that we can't get preggo on our own anymore. I'm really glad he's not sugarcoating it and because of my age he seems to want to go pretty aggressive, which works for me!

[Adia]

So glad you are seeing a counselor next week. Can't hurt, might help.

What a gem your RE is! I finally found a random family practitioner who helped me figure out my thyroid problem and them BAM! I got prego. He made a huge difference and when he said "we'll help you get prego" it made my heart sing!

Having a sympathetic medical support person can make all the difference.

Hang in there honey, this is so hard. Try and put it all on the back burner throughout the day when you can. Much easier said than done.

Big hugs!

[LacePrincess]

(((Adia)))) Thanks for the hugs. :)

I do feel happy with our RE. Mind you we've only seen him once, lol, but our initial impressions are very good. He spent over an hour with us at our consult and even empathized with our disastrous IVF experience last year, which I didn't expect. I've read his reviews and most complaints are things like him being very straightforward/no bullshit, and also he tends to assume you're knowledgeable and not explain basic things very well. Both of which I like! I don't want to be reassured and patronized, I need to know the reality and I LOVE medical practitioners that treat me like I know my body and am knowledgeable. I also appreciate that he didn't reassure us for the sake of reassuring us either. And being the head RE at our clinic I definitely think he's knowledgeable!

I'm looking forward to the counsellor too, I'm just scared about talking about GD since she's an infertility counselor and I always feel so 'greedy' complaining about GD. :(

[Adia]

If that counselor is worth a snitch, she'll listen and be sympathetic no matter what her stance is. Infertility is infertility and if she is going to make money from helping others through it, she should empathize with your plight. Sure, she has seen much worse cases, but that is not your reality.

Respect that what you are going through is HARD, no matter what others go through. You are you, and not them. Hard concept but one I have had to work on over the years. My mom is the most UNsympathetic mother around and it has taken some serious focus to validate myself and my struggles after being told for years "you don't have the corner on pain and suffering". Maybe I don't, but my heartache is still heartache and that alone is valid!!!

And awesome doctor! I had one like that years ago. A lot of people complained about her but I loved her. In the end, the guy everyone loved over her was convicted of many sexual crimes against women using his position as a doctor to get away with them. Totally unrelated to your story, but just because common opinion doesn't make a doctor shine doesn't mean anything. You know what you are dealing with and you have found a gem! Count that as a blessing!!

[LacePrincess]

Very wise words Adia, from someone who has clearly been through the trenches. :) Thank you so so much.

I've started to spot and I just canNOT believe how broken my body is. Today will be lots of wine, sushi, and tears. :(( Shit. Though I am excited about getting going with the Femara.

I feel really great about our new RE but one thing that worries me is that if we go IVF, I feel like Cdn clinics just don't measure up to the US ones in terms of aggressive protocols and new technology. So while I really like our RE if we had to move onto IVF I'm worried we'll have to leave our clinic to have a better chance in the States, and also to have a shot at PGS/GS again....which means having to shop for a new RE in the US all over again and that makes me want to hurl. :( One step at a time I know.

I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing about the counselor. :) Everyone seems to think she's wonderful so I'm sure it'll be fine. I can't deny my GD being a huge part of my issues anymore, it's been there since DS1 and over the last decade has only gotten worse and worse. I have to deal with it so it's not like a cancer just destroying me for the rest of my life.

[Kittybear]

Oh Hun, I wish I had some magic words of wisdom to share, but there are none :( just know that I too hate that GD bitch and wish more than anything that it would leave me the frack alone! I'm really so sorry to hear about your infertility problems too; I can only image how much worse that must make things :( sending you (((hugs))) from over the pond xxx

[LacePrincess]

Oh Hun, I wish I had some magic words of wisdom to share, but there are none :( just know that I too hate that GD bitch and wish more than anything that it would leave me the frack alone! I'm really so sorry to hear about your infertility problems too; I can only image how much worse that must make things :( sending you (((hugs))) from over the pond xxx

Thank you so much Kittybear. :) Actually you've already said exactly what helps, that you're listening to my rants and that already helps so much.

It really does feel like having the whole infertility issue in there has just exponentially exacerbated the GD. Before I'd always assumed that, well, even if it took awhile we knew we could always try again.....but now having to think about maybe not ever being able to conceive again at all - I feel just staggering disbelief and shock more than anything else. I never ever thought I'd be a 'real' IF patient. It's a real shock to the system.

It's also hard because I can never talk about any of this in the IF groups in RL. So it always feels like I have to hide my GD and it just feels like a dirty secret festering away inside, which surely can't be healthy!

[Claire33]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I have also always said I would never use an egg donor, but after several of my friends have used an egg donor, I see thing differently now. I would use a donor if that was my only way of having a girl. It would of course be expensive, but you would have a much higher rate of success with PGD. I'm just throwing this out there, as many people have to challenge their own boundaries when they find out that things aren't going their way "naturally". I'm pretty sure than nobody, including the parents, consider their egg donor children any less their children. Good luck!

:bighug:

[LacePrincess]

Yeah I really gotta learn never to say 'never', LMAO. After talking with DH we realized that if it was our only hope, yes we'd go donor. Probably donor embryos because donor eggs are staggeringly expensive, there's no way we could afford $20k+ just for the egg part.

We'd be open to infant adoption too but adoption is a whole 'nother ball of scary!

[Claire33]

I agree, infant/regular adoption is a totally different ball game from embryo adoption. With embryo adoption you get to adopt embryos from most likely parents with some degree success/normailty in life (since they can afford IVF), and you get to determine how healthy your own pregnancy is. If you go for infant adoption, you don't know what kind of parents or pregnancy the baby has had (drugs, alcohol, psychiatric disorders etc). Even though of course adoption is a wonderful thing, but one has to be prepared for potentially a baby with issues, plus that you never know when an infant will be available for adoption or the birth mother changes her mind etc. I don't mean to offend anyone who has adopted, as I think adoption is a great thing!

[Dana-Alicia]

So sorry you are struggling with infertility, I can not imagine how hard that must be :( I really hope you can make your dream come true via a donorembryo. Best of pink luck to you mama!

[LacePrincess]

I agree, infant/regular adoption is a totally different ball game from embryo adoption. With embryo adoption you get to adopt embryos from most likely parents with some degree success/normailty in life (since they can afford IVF), and you get to determine how healthy your own pregnancy is. If you go for infant adoption, you don't know what kind of parents or pregnancy the baby has had (drugs, alcohol, psychiatric disorders etc). Even though of course adoption is a wonderful thing, but one has to be prepared for potentially a baby with issues, plus that you never know when an infant will be available for adoption or the birth mother changes her mind etc. I don't mean to offend anyone who has adopted, as I think adoption is a great thing!

That's it EXACTLY. I am terrified of how much could be wrong but invisible yk? I'm so paranoid myself that I never touched a drop of alcohol, or ate sushi or brie, or heck even had a softboiled egg in my pregnancies. There's so much that could be wrong and I have to be honest, I have limits to what I can handle.

The other thing is in Ont the adoption system is SO broken. People spend years applying, qualifying, etc etc and get stuck in all the red tape. So many horror stories. Apparently in ALL of last year, Ont adopted a grand total of - no kidding - 40 infants. FORTY. That's insane. It's not for lack of need, it's because of the bureaucracy. Truly horrifying.

I haven't read too much into donor embryos but that's probably our only bet if my eggs fail us. Still pretty complicated as we'd have to get them in the US. I'm not sure if it's possible to have them transferred into Canada for the actual ET though, which would be easier. Of course that's really thinking WAY too far ahead, LOL. But that would be something I would be okay with if we could afford it.

[Jany1025]

I agree, infant/regular adoption is a totally different ball game from embryo adoption. With embryo adoption you get to adopt embryos from most likely parents with some degree success/normailty in life (since they can afford IVF), and you get to determine how healthy your own pregnancy is. If you go for infant adoption, you don't know what kind of parents or pregnancy the baby has had (drugs, alcohol, psychiatric disorders etc). Even though of course adoption is a wonderful thing, but one has to be prepared for potentially a baby with issues, plus that you never know when an infant will be available for adoption or the birth mother changes her mind etc. I don't mean to offend anyone who has adopted, as I think adoption is a great thing!

I feel the same exact way.

I absolutely love the idea of embryo adoption. I remember during one of my BFNs 2AM psychotic searches I saw that there was an embryo available at a clinic by a donor sperm and donor egg embryo made by Swedish woman and Japanese man. I thought heck I look Asian and DH is Irish American this would be a great match!

I pray that you get your DD one way or another!