Moms of 4 of a kind - how bad was GD with #4?

[LacePrincess]

I'd love to hear from both boy moms and girls moms. :)

I want to know how bad your GD was with DC#4. Was it as bad as #3? Better? Worse?

My GD was the worst with DS3. It just felt like I was (am?) fated to always have sons. I really am wrestling with whether we should keep trying naturally or move heaven and earth to make HT happen again.

We have a lot on our plate. DH is off on his military posting in August, and it's not just any old job either....it's one of those career dealbreaker jobs where the rest of his future might very well rest on it. He's under a lot of pressure, and so am I, to keep the homefires burning and to take care of the household and kids so he can concentrate on his job.

I have an insanely crazy schedule to juggle with the boys next year, by myself. DS2's pro ballet schedule already means 1.5 hours of driving him to his class multiple times a week. Plus rehearsals, plus auditions, plus shows.

It is insanely complicated to try to do HT. If I'm unlucky and my local clinic is unwilling to help, then it means every monitoring appt would be driving hours to another city, plus travelling to the clinic to do the actual ER/ET. Even if my local clinic would agree to let us PGS/GS, their ivf reputation is not very good and I'm not confident in their lab freezing skills at ALL. So it might be tens of thousands of dollars for absolutely nothing.

I have a pretty good sway going, I'm on Femara, and DH is on OLE. I'm really feeling like sanest thing to do is just to have a one-attempt at +OPK try on the Femara. But of course, an opposite is always possible too. I'd like to hear from anyone who had an opposite for #4 - how did it feel? Was it totally devastating? Or were you able to make peace with your GD?

Our final, FINAL max of children would be 5. So the door is open to have one more if we have an opposite. Of course there's no guarantees after that either, but we are on a donor embryo waiting list as well.


ETA: Also, my very preggo neighbour? Well she just had her baby like yesterday and it's a BOY. I am crying with relief because the jealousy would've killed me otherwise. (She's the one with the PP). It is a little sad how emotionally involved I have been with someone ELSE'S pregnancy, I hate that but I am SO DAMNED HAPPY right now. I'm sure a lot of you can understand!!

[atomic sagebrush]

Way less than with DS 3 for me.

[ThreeLittleStars]

Worse than dd3 for me, but I was also 95% sure she'd be a boy for a variety of (stupid) reasons :). I think your plan of trying naturally is a good one and if you end up with a boy take it from there, especially as you're open to having a fifth. Good luck!

[ImmiNAddi]

For my first 3 boys I didn't mind what gender they were and was fine and happy when they told me #3 was a boy. I never had 'girl fever' like I do now. We were done at 3, but in the back of my mind somewhere I was always wondering what it would of been like to have another baby.
Anyways, a few years later and 'surprise' - here came baby #4 out of the 'blue' (terrible pun I know... lol). I immediately started to think - this one could be a girl and got my hopes up. Had a gender scan at 16weeks and straight away the tech told me 'It's a boy' - I just said 'Really'???? and then I thought... well darn it - he is cute! I was later on of course a bit annoyed/upset etc but at the time when I could see him on the tv screen (tech came to my house and set up the ultrasound to show on the 60inch tv, so that was awesome!) I was fine and was coo-ing and ahh-ing at him.

The one thing that made it worse for me, was when my sister in law, who was due 3 weeks after us told us she was having a boy after having 3 girls.... I was happy for her, of course... but I was so upset at the same time.... It really got me down, not that I let anyone see that.... Then to top things off the other sister in law was pregnant (due 10wks after me) and down the track found out she was having a girl (her first baby).....
So I guess in my case, had I not had those 'other triggers' I'm not sure how disappointed I would of been with finding out I had a fourth boy on the way.
Sounds like the easiest thing for you to do would be to just enjoy 'BDing' and get on with the job, but you also have to be willing to have another little boy... It's hard hey.... I hope which ever way you go it all happens for you quickly and happily xxx

[True Blue]

So sorry Immi I disliked by accident (second time this week) I'm not very good scrolling on my phone!!

[True Blue]

I found my 4th DD in a row my easiest. I was 'expecting' girl while hoping maybe so when the US tech said Girl I just laughed and it was a laugh from the heart :D
Of course there were little disappointment triggers but overall it was a great experience :)

[fiveboys]

I was so sure my fourth would be a girl..my first three sons are with my first hubby then I re married and my hubby as a daughter n son by his previous wife but I got it into my head that he would for sure be a girl..a big no no... then on my fifth everyone was convinced even my older sons.we all went for the 3d scan and my 8 year old broke his heart when she said its another boy..I was gutted but the 3d scan did help me bond and as soon as I got a name for him I felt better but when he was a few weeks my gs disappointment was terrible thats why we decided to go ht..but not sure thats worked either at the moment :/ if i have another boy we will try ht one more time and then I need to find a way to move on xxx

[LacePrincess]

Thank you all SO much for sharing your stories. It really helps!

We have decided to try naturally and just see what happens. As it is we're needing infertility treatments anyways (yay?!? LOL) so I will be on Femara for the next few cycles legitimately.

We've also already been through the HT thing once, burned a pile of money, and seen for ourselves how you can put in all the effort in the world, the money, the time, the wishing and hoping......and have nothing left at the end. Not even an embryo of either gender to transfer. :(

It's helping us too that we have that donor embryo as a backup plan, and I'm told that the embie we want should only be about a year waiting list. That's not long. :)

As my hubby said......we'll try and see what happens. If it's a boy, well we wait for the donor embie or consider HT when we're ready again. If it's a girl, we see how we feel about calling our family complete. If the worst happens and let's say I have an awful pregnancy where I can never carry a baby again, then it's fate and at least there's closure there if I simply can't get preggo again. Then we close that chapter of our lives and move on.

It's kind of funny how I 'feel' like #4 will be a boy, lol. I guess I'm pretty resigned? I just hope that when we get preggo again the tech DOES NOT tell me 'oh it's a girl!' and then go 'nope, sorry, boy' a few min later again. Seriously, that happened to me TWICE!!

[atomic sagebrush]

Reading all these I wonder if the worst GD comes from when we really are believing the baby is a certain gender. When I TTC my 3rd son I had NO gender preference at all, could envision it being a boy or a girl. I tried to do Shettles but not very hard. It was just all the symptoms and the Chinese Gender Predictor that made me start thinking girl, girl, girl and it was like he usurped her position LOL.

I also know of several people who had HG and everyone said "oh it's a girl" and also people who had incorrect ultrasounds and they also had really severe GD. So it makes me wonder if you're accepting of the possibility going it maybe it's easier???

[LacePrincess]

Reading all these I wonder if the worst GD comes from when we really are believing the baby is a certain gender. When I TTC my 3rd son I had NO gender preference at all, could envision it being a boy or a girl. I tried to do Shettles but not very hard. It was just all the symptoms and the Chinese Gender Predictor that made me start thinking girl, girl, girl and it was like he usurped her position LOL.

I also know of several people who had HG and everyone said "oh it's a girl" and also people who had incorrect ultrasounds and they also had really severe GD. So it makes me wonder if you're accepting of the possibility going it maybe it's easier???

Well there's a bit of confirmation bias too, right? Like if I'm really wanting a girl, then I start looking for 'signs' in things like the Chinese Gender predictor (FTR it's been wrong twice and right once, LOL) and dreams, etc etc. For me I've wanted a girl from my very first pregnancy, so I've never not had GD.

Admittedly the u/s tech screwing with me twice was a helluva mindf%$^#!

I think it's just societal expectations too. Half of my fear of having boy #4 is the nasty comments/looks/attitude we're going to get.

I dunno, if we get preggo naturally, we're gonna assume boy, LOL, just because I really feel kind of 'resigned' to my fate. It does help that we're waiting for our donor embryo match too, and I can't really age out of that anytime soon.

[True Blue]

What's mind boggling to me is that I'm going into my sway with a level of confidence & a lot of hope, a small part of me feels like this time it's going to work. I can almost imagine my baby boy and it's really a dream come true. Yet . . I'm working hard on planning for a girl. In some ways she seems more important - like she needs to have the perfect name & the girliest clothes etc a celebration of its a girl!!!
With my dream baby boy the pressure is off, I feel I can relax :confused:
I discussed with my Mom recently and I wondered do I feel the need to over compensate to the world for my baby girl, YK, to prepare for the battle of disappointment from OTHERS. I don't feel the disappointment comes from me.
I can happily picture another DD with only a little sadness that I didn't get the boy but not sadness that I got another girl.
I'm not making sense :D see mind boggling. Such a confusing mixture of emotions.

I think we need to go in not just prepared but at peace with and accepting of a little opposite :)

[XXforhubby]

What's mind boggling to me is that I'm going into my sway with a level of confidence & a lot of hope, a small part of me feels like this time it's going to work. I can almost imagine my baby boy and it's really a dream come true. Yet . . I'm working hard on planning for a girl. In some ways she seems more important - like she needs to have the perfect name & the girliest clothes etc a celebration of its a girl!!!
With my dream baby boy the pressure is off, I feel I can relax :confused:
I discussed with my Mom recently and I wondered do I feel the need to over compensate to the world for my baby girl, YK, to prepare for the battle of disappointment from OTHERS. I don't feel the disappointment comes from me.
I can happily picture another DD with only a little sadness that I didn't get the boy but not sadness that I got another girl.
I'm not making sense :D see mind boggling. Such a confusing mixture of emotions.

I think we need to go in not just prepared but at peace with and accepting of a little opposite :)

Well said! My DH asked me last night if I was just a little disappointed we didn't hear girl. I told him a small part of me was a little disappointed, but I'm super excited about another snugly baby boy! My excitement for him overshadows any disappointment I may have. I feel my disappointment stems from feeling like I failed my DH. He said that my excitement and happiness helps him tremendously. He said his GD would be very hard if I was sad.

I think that it's easier to handle hearing the opposite of what we tried/hoped for, when other people express support and happiness of the gender announcement. I'm thankful everyone IRL is expressing happiness and excitement on our DS3. Although I know I would have had strong GD if this baby would have been a girl. On one hand I would have been happy and relieved my sway worked for DH, but I would have been sad about not having another boy. This past weekend I was packing up baby boy clothes in DS2's closet and drawers to make room for clothes that fit him, and I started to cry. I was sad that I may not have another sweet little boy to dress in the sharpest clothes. That said a lot to me. I'm thankful I can have another sharp dressed little man [emoji170]!


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[LacePrincess]

Trueblue, ITA!! Very well put!

For us it helps that we haven't had a baby in the house in a very very long time......so I miss all of it, not just the 'not having a girl' part..... I can't wait to nurse again, plus we got rid of all of our baby stuff awhile ago so no matter which gender when we get preggo again we will have the fun of buying ALL NEW STUFF!!

That's the best part, LOL. Plus I'm determined to buy all the cutest things EVAH no matter which gender.

[applesoup]

DS4 was much harder than DS3. Which is weird, because I had DD in between! Looking back, I think I convinced myself that we'd finally crossed out of our boy trend, that my swaying actually caused us to have a girl, and #5 was my last real shot at any balance. It also aligned with some really rude and mean responses from family about just being pregnant, and an unfortunate situation happening at the same time with my SIL.

I find out Monday...know I'm hoping for a girl way more than I should be, but yet hearing boy I will probably just think, "of course! What else would
It be?"

[Boom]

It was harder with DS4 but the worst part was before I even found out the gender as I was living in fear of GD. As it turned out after a few days I was able to be positive about another boy. It helped that DH had already agreed to HT though for number 5

[atomic sagebrush]

DS4 was much harder than DS3. Which is weird, because I had DD in between! Looking back, I think I convinced myself that we'd finally crossed out of our boy trend, that my swaying actually caused us to have a girl, and #5 was my last real shot at any balance. It also aligned with some really rude and mean responses from family about just being pregnant, and an unfortunate situation happening at the same time with my SIL.

I find out Monday...know I'm hoping for a girl way more than I should be, but yet hearing boy I will probably just think, "of course! What else would
It be?"

I think that for some people trying to get a sister for a daughter makes for a very severe GD because you aren't just doing it for you. :)

That having been said, there is something quite cool about being the only girl in a bunch of boys so no matter what, your family is super cool and unique as they all are! :)

[SpicyTunaSushi]

Well said! My DH asked me last night if I was just a little disappointed we didn't hear girl. I told him a small part of me was a little disappointed, but I'm super excited about another snugly baby boy! My excitement for him overshadows any disappointment I may have. I feel my disappointment stems from feeling like I failed my DH. He said that my excitement and happiness helps him tremendously. He said his GD would be very hard if I was sad.

I think that it's easier to handle hearing the opposite of what we tried/hoped for, when other people express support and happiness of the gender announcement. I'm thankful everyone IRL is expressing happiness and excitement on our DS3. Although I know I would have had strong GD if this baby would have been a girl. On one hand I would have been happy and relieved my sway worked for DH, but I would have been sad about not having another boy. This past weekend I was packing up baby boy clothes in DS2's closet and drawers to make room for clothes that fit him, and I started to cry. I was sad that I may not have another sweet little boy to dress in the sharpest clothes. That said a lot to me. I'm thankful I can have another sharp dressed little man [emoji170]!


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This! Exactly! I just had DD3 after team green. DH is disappointed slightly, but only because he is trying to envision never raising a son, not that he has a third daughter. I am more suited towards girls, but I wanted him to have that experience. I don't think I feel GD, but just wondering where the feeling of 'I am done" and move on begins.

[iluvmy4sons]

My 4th son was the hardest for me he was supposed to be my last child.


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[netti02]

I think GD is alot more common of mothers with boys than girls. I don't think i would feel as empty so to speak if i had all girls. Part of me wants to try for the 5th and a part of me doesn't. Im just not sure about this swaying part im all over the place.


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[XXforhubby]

I think GD is alot more common of mothers with boys than girls. I don't think i would feel as empty so to speak if i had all girls. Part of me wants to try for the 5th and a part of me doesn't. Im just not sure about this swaying part im all over the place.


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I'm not so sure about this. I think us boy moms are more vocal about our feelings and feel like this is something that we should take control over. Whereas girl moms may feel just as much GD not getting their DS but either excepted things as they are or they are not as vocal about their GD.

My grandma has three daughters and always wanted a DS. She just sort of excepted that just wasn't meant to be for her. Ironically, out of 13 great grandchildren, only 4 are girls and nine are boys!!! Luckily for her she is young (she is a spritely 73) and enjoys rough housing with them [emoji4]!

My other grandma has three sons and STILL dwells on her miscarriage before my Uncle Randy. Even though it was in 1959, she believes it was a girl. She feels that if she wasn't working in a hot factory, she would have had her DD. Silly because she managed to have three healthy boys in the same working conditions. She openly expresses her GD and actually gave me condolences on a third boy! She can't accept that someone would actually desire to have all boys, like me. She dismisses what I say because she thinks every woman wants a girl [emoji53].


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[atomic sagebrush]

I think GD is alot more common of mothers with boys than girls. I don't think i would feel as empty so to speak if i had all girls. Part of me wants to try for the 5th and a part of me doesn't. Im just not sure about this swaying part im all over the place.


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I am not sure that this is true, I had a strong gender desire for a son with my first but was just lucky enough to get him. Was thrilled when DS 2 was a boy too. I always got along better with men than women and I love being a boy mom, I was just greedy and wanted a girl too. :)

[srg09cag11]

I think GD is alot more common of mothers with boys than girls. I don't think i would feel as empty so to speak if i had all girls. Part of me wants to try for the 5th and a part of me doesn't. Im just not sure about this swaying part im all over the place.


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I completely disagree with this. When I was pregnant with DD1, I really hoped for a boy. She wasn't, but I knew we would have 2-3 more kids. When I found out DD2 was a girl, I was disappointed for a week or so, but again, I knew that we'd have another chance. My lost baby, the son I'd always hoped for, was devastating. With currently cooking DD3, the gender disappointment is extreme, even now, two months after I found out. I continue to pray for a miracle surprise at birth, even though the logic part of my brain knows better.

[netti02]

Its just my opinion. Is there any info on this site how many are swaying pink or blue?

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[maidentomother]

netti, I do think there are many more women who would prefer all girls to all boys. I believe a majority of women feel a stronger need for a daughter vs a son. But I don't think that GD for one gender vs the other is stronger. You can never truly know how another feels and many mothers of just daughters have had a preference if not intense desire for sons from the beginning. And I definitely think boy moms are more likely to be vocal as XX pointed out.

Still, it's undeniable thst in Western culture, there is a strong preference for girls and has been for a while, basically since feminism started making strides. In other cultures boys remain preferred as they have been for centuries if not millenia. So your cultural background makes all the difference. Though I suspect that in cultures with a strong boy preference, girls would be much more wanted if women had more rights and were more empowered.

[atomic sagebrush]

Its just my opinion. Is there any info on this site how many are swaying pink or blue?

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No one's trying to prevent you from having or sharing your opinion, it's just that it can be very hurtful to moms who do want boys to hear that. :) It also makes me feel protective towards my first two sons who are absolutely amazing, because ~I personally~ would not feel any more fulfilled with all girls, I just wanted to have the experience of raising a daughter. It is fine if you feel that way, but it's fine for others to feel differently too. :) Everyone's feelings are worthy of respect and we all go through GD differently. Some have it with their first and all children, others of us don't, and we're all here to share our experiences and get acceptance and support.

The numbers on the site of who is swaying doesn't tell us about the number of moms who want girls vs. boys. It doesn't matter at all whatsoever if there are precisely 50-50, gender disappointment and desire sucks no matter if you want a boy or a girl. It's not a competition.

[atomic sagebrush]

netti, I do think there are many more women who would prefer all girls to all boys. I believe a majority of women feel a stronger need for a daughter vs a son. But I don't think that GD for one gender vs the other is stronger. You can never truly know how another feels and many mothers of just daughters have had a preference if not intense desire for sons from the beginning. And I definitely think boy moms are more likely to be vocal as XX pointed out.

Still, it's undeniable thst in Western culture, there is a strong preference for girls and has been for a while, basically since feminism started making strides. In other cultures boys remain preferred as they have been for centuries if not millenia. So your cultural background makes all the difference. Though I suspect that in cultures with a strong boy preference, girls would be much more wanted if women had more rights and were more empowered.

I know that's the conventional wisdom but I do want to take the opportunity to mention that ~personally~ I wanted a boy because I didn't get along as well with other women at that point in my life and always felt a lot more of a connection with men until probably the past 10 years or so. Had nothing to do with my culture at all whatsoever. I know that there are quite a few of us out there who want(ed) boys for our own individual reasons and it sort of rubs the wrong way when everyone assumes that there is some sort of sexist brainwashing going on. JMO

I also have about 60-40 boys vs. girls from parents in Middle Eastern/Asian countries and of Asian heritage - there are a lot of these families who want daughters around the world and so the idea that people of certain cultures do not value their daughters and only want boys isn't true really so I always like to mention that whenever the topic comes up.

[maidentomother]

I was just talking about major trends. I have no doubt plenty of moms, and dads too, want girls in boy-preferred cultures.

As for women wanting dsughters...I personally think that there is a biological aspect to it, though definitely a social one too. Brainwashing certainly plays a part but isn't necessarily the biggest factor IMO. And while there are myriad reasons for wanting one gender over another, again I'm speaking generally. And I also think that even though a majority of women in Western cultures prefer/desire a girl, I think it's usually not extreme as so many of the cases here. I'm not sure that most women would sway even if they knew about it.

I definitely didn't intend to imply that wanting a boy/s is weird or unnatural. I have had more male friends, especially close ones, for most of my adult life and had very few friends as a child, other girls were awful to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a gay man in a woman's body. So I understand your perspective. I think my response to our similar histories is just opposite, but our motivations not too different if that makes sense. I want girls bc of the mother/daughter and childhood female relationships I missed out on and want to recreate/do properly. You wanted to maintain the good relationships you'd had with males, from what I understand. Please correct or elaborate if I'm off base!

[netti02]

Thats how i feel now about wanting that mother/daughter relationship. I get along with my mum but i don't feel im close with her. Im the youngest of 4 and i just feel that when i got older she distanced herself. She did go through some things and that is likely the reason but i think its certainly made that feeling alot stronger for me. I do cherish my nieces though so i feel priviledged that i have that connection. I just never envisioned i would have 4 boys 😂

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[maidentomother]

My mum was a full blown psychotic and incapable of close relationships so I understand!

[LacePrincess]

My mum was a full blown psychotic and incapable of close relationships so I understand!

And mine is a narcissistic personality disorder who I've cut off all contact with for 3+ years now.....and I'm pretty sure a big part of my GD is my drive to have a functional mother/daughter relationship in my life.

[maidentomother]

Hugs Lace. I cut off contact with my mom several times but the last time completely, 4 years ago. Even when I heard she dying this January supposedly, I didn't want to make contact. Now she's dead and there's no chance for her to ever change....though I highly doubt she would have done anything except get worse.

Brava for you to breaking the cycle. My mom was abused physically and emotionally by both parents, grandma was a cold, distant woman and grandpa a sexist violent alcoholic. I mostly pitied her these past several years. She was a miserable, lonely, delusional harpy.

[LacePrincess]

Hugs Lace. I cut off contact with my mom several times but the last time completely, 4 years ago. Even when I heard she dying this January supposedly, I didn't want to make contact. Now she's dead and there's no chance for her to ever change....though I highly doubt she would have done anything except get worse.

Brava for you to breaking the cycle. My mom was abused physically and emotionally by both parents, grandma was a cold, distant woman and grandpa a sexist violent alcoholic. I mostly pitied her these past several years. She was a miserable, lonely, delusional harpy.

Thanks maiden. I'm sorry your mom was dysfunctional too. My mom also grew up in an emotionally abusive household, so, definitely a cycle.

For me I'm much angrier at my enabler dad than at my mom - she was and is fundamentally broken and never had normal psychological or emotional responses. My dad, otoh, was just a coward. :(

Anyways I only managed to break things off because I saw her repeating the abusive pattern pitting MY kids against each other, and I did it for the sake of my boys. Otherwise I doubt I would ever have been able to finally put my foot down. Terrifying, but totally worth the freedom!

[hopper]

Reading all these I wonder if the worst GD comes from when we really are believing the baby is a certain gender. When I TTC my 3rd son I had NO gender preference at all, could envision it being a boy or a girl. I tried to do Shettles but not very hard. It was just all the symptoms and the Chinese Gender Predictor that made me start thinking girl, girl, girl and it was like he usurped her position LOL.

I also know of several people who had HG and everyone said "oh it's a girl" and also people who had incorrect ultrasounds and they also had really severe GD. So it makes me wonder if you're accepting of the possibility going it maybe it's easier???

THIS THIS THIS!!! I had no preference on my first but OWTs and gender predictors and the fact I had HG so heard "Its definitely a girl!" a bajillion times throughout the nine months of being on Team Green had me FULL sure I was having a girl. That moment my son was born...I swear it was the biggest shock I ever got in my life. It took me the best part of 3 months to properly bond with him, and I feel I compensate with him still to this day because of that. But he was a stranger to me when he was born, I expected a daughter and had bonded with my imaginary daughter and then out popped a son. It was mind boggling. I didn't go Team Green on my second son and had no issues bonding with him, my PPD has been a lot less severe this time and I am just happier but the GD is still there. I honestly think if I hadn't listened to people guesses on gender when pg with DS1 I might not have GD right now. I wonder what a life without GD would feel like, I hate to live like this and wouldn't wish it on anyone. My friend had her DD this past week and while I was happy both she and the baby were ok I couldn't help feeling smug that she was hollering for pain relief before she hit 2cm dilated....I'm a spiteful witch!!!!!