How easily do you accept things as they are?

[trifecta]

Do you generally find you have a hard time accepting things as they are? I do and it's something I've noticed in my oldest son. He really got me thinking about it the other day because he damaged a favorite toy and continued to be upset about it hours later, even after I fixed it. (If you're wondering it was his little brother's digibird and he "fed" it a bead, which made it rattle. I turned it over and shook it until the bead fell out. Voila! The little robot bird is fine.) It's just one example but if he makes a mistake he sometimes has a very hard time letting it go.

It reminded me so much of myself. If I make a bad decision or even just have a pure accident or injury I berate myself about it for an unreasonable length of time. When I say "I can't believe I did that" I really mean it! There's a part of me that can't believe it. For me GD has the same feeling about it: I didn't get the family composition I thought I would get and on some level it's like my brain just can't accept it, even years later, and even though I have deeply bonded with my lovely and adored second son since birth.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[BrightSky]

Totally can relate to this. I'll mull over things and just won't let them go. GD is a strange thing. I always assumed before I had kids that at the end of the day u really wouldn't care and be happy with whatever plan was out there for u. In my head I just assumed I would have a girl first though (I have no idea why!) when I had my little boy I was overwhelmed by the love I felt, but part of me struggled to accept that it wasn't the girl I had pictured. Sometimes I think that if I didn't think about things so much (?!) I would be much happier and enjoy life more instead of this niggling guilt I have over these feelings. Does that make sense??

[atomic sagebrush]

Yes me too and have been known to mull over things and feel very strong embarrassment over things that happened back when I was a child. I'm 45 years old!!!!

[True Blue]

I totally relate!! Another here who still beats themselves up for things that happened YEARS ago.
I over think, over analyze and when something small goes wrong Im left with horrible feelings of dread for a long time.
I hate this part of myself.

[atomic sagebrush]

I suspect it's not a boy mom or girl mom thing - but a female thing! :)

[True Blue]

I have always felt it stemmed from childhood for me. I was first born and my Moms left hand woman - I got a LOT of responsibility, and at times blame, so I think I took on that personality and carried it with me to adulthood.

[Dreamofpink]

Absolutely! 8 years after the birth of ds1 & I still struggle with the idea of being a 'boy mum'. Perhaps it's because I don't feel done yet & I still have hope, but I just can't believe that that's me - a mum of three boys.

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[XXforhubby]

Absolutely! 8 years after the birth of ds1 & I still struggle with the idea of being a 'boy mum'. Perhaps it's because I don't feel done yet & I still have hope, but I just can't believe that that's me - a mum of three boys.

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This is something I've always wanted and am glad to have- being an all boy mom! The funny thing for me is even though I have feared having a girl, I always thought I would have a mixed gendered family. I wouldn't change a thing, but am a little...can't find the right word here....surprised we don't have at least one girl. While I can't imagine having four kids, especially since they would have to be 18 months apart (yikes [emoji16]!!), a part of me feels like we should try. I think this desire is driven by me feeling like I've let my DH down by not giving him his longed for DD. I do love being pregnant and having children. I just don't know if having another child when one is still so little the best for our family, since the gender isn't guaranteed without going HT.

I too have trouble of letting things go, even when they are clearly out of my control- like this.


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[maidentomother]

Me too. I have always been an over-thinker and control freak. I'm always thinking of the past or future, I can't seem to live in the present.

[atomic sagebrush]

I have always felt it stemmed from childhood for me. I was first born and my Moms left hand woman - I got a LOT of responsibility, and at times blame, so I think I took on that personality and carried it with me to adulthood.

:agree: me too. Absolutely.

My parents were also very wrapped up in their own lives when they had me and not what I would call nurturing so I was left on my own to figure out how to get along in the world. So I would do things incorrectly because I had no help/knowledge, and then be blamed for them constantly because neither of them wanted to take any blame for it (and really, who loves taking blame for things LOL) - it leaves its mark.

[atomic sagebrush]

Me too. I have always been an over-thinker and control freak. I'm always thinking of the past or future, I can't seem to live in the present.

Well put and I totally agree. Either mulling over things that happen or planning for something that will happen, and never able to just enjoy the moment. :/

[maidentomother]

:agree: me too. Absolutely.

My parents were also very wrapped up in their own lives when they had me and not what I would call nurturing so I was left on my own to figure out how to get along in the world. So I would do things incorrectly because I had no help/knowledge, and then be blamed for them constantly because neither of them wanted to take any blame for it (and really, who loves taking blame for things LOL) - it leaves its mark.

Same here. I was an only child until 7, always left to amuse myself (homeschooled myself completely grades 3-5), then was shipped off to boarding school in Switzerland at age 12, with no knowledge of any language beyond English. I had to be very independent and self reliant. I received mostly criticism despite very good behaviour, perfect grades etc. I was never good enough and constantly reminded ofany slight failures. Bc I lied for the first time at age 7 about bending back a sticker I was often told I was lying, up until I broke contact with my mom in my late 20s! Even 100 good actions couldn't compensate for a single bad one. And my mother never, EVER admitted to being wrong. I don't think she believed it possible in her mind.

[maidentomother]

Well put and I totally agree. Either mulling over things that happen or planning for something that will happen, and never able to just enjoy the moment. :/

Yes exactly! And what's worse is I KNOW it makes me unhappy but I can't seem to change. Maybe bc of my OCD? I have long hoped having kids will help with this, but maybe that's unrealistic?

[atomic sagebrush]

We are so much alike it makes me laugh sometimes. (ironically with great sadness.)

My parents were both only children of the "doted on" variety. I was an only child till 11, always, always alone, and yes, very much of the criticism was of the 'bending a sticker' variety. Very minor things that I would NEVER even mention to my children. If toys were left on my floor they were put into a garbage sack to be thrown away. I wasn't homeschooled but taught myself to read by age 3 and most of the things that matter, that I know I taught myself.

Last year I VERY POLITELY told my dad that I wanted him to talk to me respectfully and without criticizing and he was like "Fine then, I'll never talk to you again!" For realz. It was like the only options were him getting to say whatever he wanted to me, or no contact. I wish I was making this up. The sad thing is that it is only now after all these years I can realize that I wasn't the one in the wrong about all these ridiculous things and that it isn't normal to get angry at a child for things that all children do.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. :/ I wish it could be easier on all of us.

[atomic sagebrush]

Yes exactly! And what's worse is I KNOW it makes me unhappy but I can't seem to change. Maybe bc of my OCD? I have long hoped having kids will help with this, but maybe that's unrealistic?

oh, the kids beat it out of you, eventually. I sometimes feel badly for my first son who I had while still in the grips of the madness but he seems to have come through it relatively ok, although not terribly ambitious (if that is a flaw, which I'm not sure it is.) Doesn't do drugs, doesn't take advantage of girls, very respectful and law abiding. Plays a lot of video games but that seems to be the norm for that generation of kids.

[Dana-Alicia]

Oh my, I thought I was the only one that felt like this! I can seriously lie awake at night for something I did as a kid!! My parents and older sister love to rub my (past) mistakes in my face, turning them into amazingly fun stories at the dinner table just to embarras me. My older sister is a bit behind, always has been, has loads of learning issues and emotional sh*t and when I was growing up my parents noticed this. And in order to get me under her level, they would put me down and raise her up. Still do so today. I was never motivated to study and my parents were appearently so surprised when I graduated from university, they just didn't show up at my graduation :( I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, it's never good enough and all the bad things happen I deserve and the good things are a fluke. No wonder I struggle. I want to do better for my kids, but it never feels like it's enough. I don't think I would feel different if I had two girls. It's just the way I was brought up and has lodged itself in my life and personality now. It's very hard to break away from that.

[XXforhubby]

I've spent years in therapy to deal with these issues. I vowed that I wouldn't have children until I had dealt with my past, because I never wanted to remotely treat my children the way I was treated as a child. I too was raised by a controlling mother who has untreated paranoid schizophrenia. Yeah, one minute she was Dr. Jekyl and the next minute Mr. Hyde would come out and try and kill me for something trivial.

I would mull things over as a child thinking that if only I could do better...but I learned quickly that it never made a difference. I thank God for my elementary school teachers who had me see the school psychologist after school without my mother's knowledge. I'm sure today they could get fired for that, but I'm forever grateful for them! I continued to get help off and on, and I feel that I am free from those chains.

I can have trouble letting things go, even now. I do eventually when I realize that I'm not living in the present and I can ONLY control my behavior and how I respond to things. I forgive myself if some situations take me longer to let go- I'm human! I never allow myself to go to far though because I know my children are always watching.


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