Please help me deal with gender disappointment

[dove_love]

I had got pregnant trying for a girl, but really just wanting a baby. The first 13 weeks were spent thinking a girl would be lovely as I have a little man but another little man like mine would be lovely also.
And then my 13 week scan.. The next 3 weeks spent obsessing over gender, convincing myself this was a girl because I THOUGHT i could see a girlie nub, and because I have hypermesis gravidarum which I didn't with my boy, so how could it possibly be another boy right? No matter how hard I had tried not to (which was very hard) I had allowed myself to imagine this girl, look at girls clothes, even hint to people that we would like a girl. Family had all expressed how much they all hoped for a girl.
Well of course after my scan this morning we find out I am having a boy. I saw within moments of her looking and then had to sit there for another 20minutes because baby crossed his legs and she wanted to be sure before she told us. My son and partner were there, my son over the moon about having a baby brother and I spent the whole time fighting back tears, feeling like I was either going to be sick or pass out. I couldn't look at my partner, the sonographer, anyone. I got out, put my sunglasses on and the tears just flowed. My partner turned to me and said why are you crying? I just sobbed because I've let everyone down. He of course said I'd let nobody down, and despite the fact I know he was hoping for a girl, he claimed to be happy with having a boy. I explained I am not upset that this baby is a boy, I am upset I will never have that girl I longed for so much. He seems to understand and gently said even if we kept trying we may just be one of those people who keep having boys.
He is being lovely and every time I think I have calmed myself, I feel a tear trickle down my cheek again. Now he has gone to work and I am left with my son, trying to be brave and feeling awful.
I feel so ungrateful!! So many people around me are struggling to have babies and I am crying over this!! I know I will love this baby, but how do I get past not having the girl? Sorry for writing so much, I always thought I would be ok, I want to be ok!
Please help me ladies.

[Mulberry Smurf]

I remember this feeling well, and whilst it absolutely sucks, it does get better. But the only thing that improves it is time, I am afraid. And also meeting the little man who will steal your heart! Big hugs. Let yourself mourn the loss of your 'baby girl' and in time you will heal. Is this definitely final baby? xx

[dove_love]

Thank you Mulberry, it's nice just knowing I'm not alone. I think we could have another, but I don't think I would be able to put myself through the hope of having a girl to have to deal with losing that dream again, if that makes sense. X

[BrightSky]

Dove_love I spent the early part of my pregnancy wishing and hoping for a girl and when I found out he was a he I was upset, seems like a lifetime ago.. now I can't imagine it any other way. I don't think two of a kind means you are set for only boys if you do decide to go for another. There is always ht if you want a guarantee? Either way you will have a beautiful new baby soon and you never know what's going to happen in the future xx

[covered in blue]

Big hugs xxxxxx

[Adia]

Hang in there, for those of us who have weathered that storm we can PROMISE it gets better with time.
Once that baby is here you will be able to separate your love for that little man with your desire for a girl. Being pregnant makes the disappointment multiply a lot!

[pink_bean]

Your story mirrors my own to a T and let me tell you it does get better. But it will take time. Pregnancy and post partum are the hardest, I believe. My advice would be mourn the loss and then go through the motions of getting excited for a new baby and you will become excited as time goes on. Everyone is different but a lot of the work is trying to control our thoughts and what we are exposed to. It's hard but try to avoid baby girl clothes, buy your baby all new things if that makes you feel better. I did that and it helped me get excited. Also preparing for the birth and just anything I wanted to do differently the second time regarding all things baby.

I will not lie to you and say your desire for a daughter will go away but you will fall in love with your baby and your disappointment will fade in time. I still want a girl but I am in a much better place than I was after that 20 week scan. Take good care of yourself and try to enjoy your pregnancy. Especially if you think it may be your last.

[atomic sagebrush]

I remember that moment only too well, also got pg with my 3rd without any strong gender preference and let symptoms and OWT talk me into believing I was having a girl and when I heard boy at the ultrasound, it felt as if he had "killed" her. (sorry for strong wording but that was exactly how I felt) It took a few weeks but I "faked it until I made it " and did end up feeling a lot better by the time the baby was born and he is my most beautiful child and my husband's favorite. Huge ((((hugs)))) and wishing you peace.

[dove_love]

Thank you so much everybody, my lovely partner keeps saying it doesn't have to be our last, which is helping just because it leaves that small glimmer of hope. I told a few people today it was a little man and acted happy and everybody hugged me and was so happy except one person who said "oh...well never mind hey!" and this is someone I don't even know as well. I just thought hold on, how dare you be disappointed for this baby boy when you have no idea if I am even disappointed!!
It's so comforting seeing you ladies who have made it to the other side, and I love the fake it til you make it motto, I will be doing that!
Thank you so much for giving me a safe haven I can come and express my true feelings without fear of judgement and for all your lovely words of support xxx

[pink_bean]

Thank you so much everybody, my lovely partner keeps saying it doesn't have to be our last, which is helping just because it leaves that small glimmer of hope. I told a few people today it was a little man and acted happy and everybody hugged me and was so happy except one person who said "oh...well never mind hey!" and this is someone I don't even know as well. I just thought hold on, how dare you be disappointed for this baby boy when you have no idea if I am even disappointed!!
It's so comforting seeing you ladies who have made it to the other side, and I love the fake it til you make it motto, I will be doing that!
Thank you so much for giving me a safe haven I can come and express my true feelings without fear of judgement and for all your lovely words of support xxx

Unfortunately people can be rude. I think even if we feel disappointed we still love our babies and don't want other people expressing disappointment. You may still have a daughter someday so don't give up hope. I will say the bond my little boys have is a beautiful thing to see. I also am so in love with my baby boy, I believe you will feel that way, too. Vent here whenever you need to! Wishing you all the best.

[fiveboys]

I was pretty devastated after all my 5 boys scans but as soon as I picked a name I felt a bond started... I also found that a 3d scan helped me and by the time I was 20 weeks I was happy n content.. your gonna be just fine hun..relax and enjoy xxx

[applesoup]

I think we make it worse on ourselves when we feel like we aren't allowed to feel a certain way because my best friend just delivered premature babies, my SIL struggles with infertility, etc. Yes, bad things happen in pregnancy--but it doesn't make your pain any less. You are allowed to feel this way--you do feel this way.

The hard part is managing the bitterness and dark cloud that comes with GD. And that is your choice--although, from personal experience, a very hard road.

You're not alone. You don't have to make family planning decisions today or even a few months from now. You will find a way to cope, to have peace, and to move forward. That's the hope in this.

Big hugs.

[Claire33]

Is there any way you could go HT in a few years, to ensure a girl?

I've been there, done that, 3 times. It really does get better in time. I love my boys with all my heart and can't imagine life without them. You are not alone, and you will be ok!

[Shenanigans]

I understand so so well. With my third boy I let them tell me during the ultrasound and after hearing couldn't even look at the screen anymore. It took all I had to hold back the tears until I got outside. I cried for a few days and it got better because I started to plan for number 4. This time though I decided to just let my husband know at the ultrasound and then he could tell me when we got to a baby store and thought picking it something cute would help. Nope, instead I left and cried on a bench alone for about 15 minutes. I know you aren't crying about him being a boy because for me it is about the loss of having a daughter. It will get better though, I promise. My 3rd son is so so special and so funny. I know it is cliche but I can't imagine not having him. He adds so much to our family and makes everyone, including strangers, etc laugh. Just keep faking it till you make it and plan for maybe number 3 to give you hope. Huge hugs.

[netti02]

4 boys later i know that feeling. I feel like im ungrateful and undeserving and so so bitter but ive come to learn that despite what other fertility problems couples out there are experiencing i am more than allowed to feel this way. One thing that helped was talking with DH. It led us on the path of trying to sway this 5th time which we've never done before but even now im confused as i was all for the shettles method. I do love all my boys.and they are a blessing but i one day prey for pink

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[babymamaj]

Oh I am sad for you. I was the same with my DS2. When they told me he was a boy at the ultrasound I smiled but I bawled the moment I got in the truck. I instantly started looking up gender disappointment because I didn't really know anything about it. I hadn't swayed, just assumed I would get a girl like everyone else!! (How silly right?!) I read a lot of good articles and realized it was ok to be sad and that it was normal and you can't help your feelings. Acknowledge them and feel them, cry, write down what you are feeling. It will get better. When they hand that baby boy to you it is just the most amazing thing. A new and different little person. Yes you already have a boy but this one is a different person! When you kiss his soft skin and smell his sweet head you will be in love. Yes you will always mourn the loss of a dream of having a girl but it will get better and you will love that little person so much. What is meant to be wil be.
Wow this made me feel better just writing it. I don't know yet if my 3rd is a boy or girl, I will find out in a few weeks hopefully but right now I am trying to prepare myself for hearing boy.