Bfp (but paranoid!) - unhappy update page 3

[LacePrincess]

Well we got our BFP over the weekend. I was sooooo scared of testing I put it off until 15dpo, LOL. Did a bunch of internet cheapie tests that were positive and got a nice dark FRER this morning (17dpo).

My clinic had me come in for a beta and prog test, and they said my RE was happy with the numbers! And yet I can't help but still fret that something's still going to go wrong. I even questioned my beta number, even though my RE was pleased and he's not at all the type to sugarcoat. So really I should be reassured, and yet I'm fretting!

I know why though - 3 years of trying, an early loss, having infertile friends and hearing so many sad endings, and spending time on infertility forums has all made me very cynical. I'm having a hard time being excited this time, I keep expecting things to go south! I guess after our difficulties with our HT try it has made me feel like we're fated to never have it end well.

Well at least I know that I *can* get pregnant again, LOL. I was really starting to wonder after almost 3 years of not even a BFP. So the plumbing still works!

[True Blue]

LacePrincess I think it's natural to worry & fret, I know I do!!

Huge Huge Congratulations on your BFP & on your good numbers ;) I'm so happy for you.

Lots of sticky bean and happy & healthy pregnancy wishes to you!! I hope you start enjoying being pregnant really soon xx

[XXforhubby]

OMG! This is the best news ever!!! I'm SO happy for you!

I understand how nervous you are. Hang in there sweetie! This is meant to be!

I seriously can't stop smiling!!


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[Junie]

Huge congratulations!!

[Traci25]

congratulations! Think happy thoughts!

[bunnywabbit]

Aww, congrats on your BFP! I understand your worry - it took ages for me to conceive then had a couple of chemicals. I decided not to even bother getting my hopes up until I saw the heartbeat for myself. But he's here, 13 months old and fighting fit! FX for a h&h 9 months x

[nuthinbutpink]

Great news! How many follicles did you see on u/s before trigger? Did you use a trigger? Congrats!

[LacePrincess]

LacePrincess I think it's natural to worry & fret, I know I do!!

Huge Huge Congratulations on your BFP & on your good numbers ;) I'm so happy for you.

Lots of sticky bean and happy & healthy pregnancy wishes to you!! I hope you start enjoying being pregnant really soon xx

Congrats to you too! :)

I dunno about 'good' numbers, lol. I keep googling and getting depressed my beta number isn't sky high. Though my RE seemed more pleased with my prog number, they said he looks for a good prog number because if it was a chemical the prog number would be the first to slip. I do realize that bhcg is more about doubling rates, but I turned down the offer to redo a bhcg in a week because, well, if it's not meant to be more tests isn't gonna change that.

Gah I think my problem is I've just been spending FAR too long on infertility boards so now I know far too much about how it can all go wrong! I'm not sure I'm going to be able to enjoy anything until at least the first scan.

[coralsky]

Yay!! Fab news lace!! Sooo happy for you xxx

[ImmiNAddi]

Congrats Lace :) I am kind of 'ignoring' the fact that I am 6wks - not going to get too excited until I have the Harmonie test results in my hand saying everything is healthy etc. So far it's been easy as I am still feeling ok, so I am just getting on with things.
Best of luck to you in the coming weeks and I hope the time flies for you for your first scan.

[Kittybear]

Wow congratulations Hun! Wishing you a v happy & healthy 9 months!!! :) xx

[True Blue]

Congrats to you too! :)

I dunno about 'good' numbers, lol. I keep googling and getting depressed my beta number isn't sky high. Though my RE seemed more pleased with my prog number, they said he looks for a good prog number because if it was a chemical the prog number would be the first to slip. I do realize that bhcg is more about doubling rates, but I turned down the offer to redo a bhcg in a week because, well, if it's not meant to be more tests isn't gonna change that.

Gah I think my problem is I've just been spending FAR too long on infertility boards so now I know far too much about how it can all go wrong! I'm not sure I'm going to be able to enjoy anything until at least the first scan.

Yes I think sometimes we can know too much and it's not always a good thing!

I hope the time until your first scan comes around super fast and you can relax and enjoy even a little bit then :fx:

[essnce629]

WooHoo, congratulations! It's totally normal to feel scared and anxious in your situation. I would too. Sending you lots of sticky vibes and I hope you can start to get excited in a few weeks time!

[LacePrincess]

Congrats Lace :) I am kind of 'ignoring' the fact that I am 6wks - not going to get too excited until I have the Harmonie test results in my hand saying everything is healthy etc. So far it's been easy as I am still feeling ok, so I am just getting on with things.
Best of luck to you in the coming weeks and I hope the time flies for you for your first scan.


I know how you feel!! I have to email the midwife tomorrow as they have pretty limited availability, but I feel like I'm 'jinxing' myself doing it.

I'm simultaneously looking forward to and terrified of that scan. I've just been hearing waaaaaaaay too many sad ending stories in the past year, it's kind of destroyed my 'innocence' when it comes to pregnancy!

[covered in blue]

OMG Lace! Congratulations! I am so happy for you :). And we are pretty much due at the same time. :). I really hope you have a sticky (preferably pink) bean in there. I'm alternating between being very excited, to terrified, to chilled lol.

Every little human you have ever met started out just the same. Yes things go wrong sometimes but a lot of the time they go perfectly and a little miracle occurs. I will keep my fingers tightly crossed that this will be one of those xx

[bestcoast19]

Congrats Lace! Such a nice surprise to stumble across this - I was wondering how you were doing. Fx for a happy and healthy 9 months!

[TaytumJ]

Congrats, Lace!! What a great surprise!

I know what you mean about not having "innocence" when TTC. I feel the same now and have to talk myself out of worrying about infertility.

I'm hoping and praying you have a sticky, healthy pink bean in there! ��

[The Anchor]

:running: Aaaaaaaaaaah! So happy for you!

[twointow83]

Congrats!!!

[mandyp85]

Congratulations :-) Xxx

[djmommy]

I have been off the forums for a bit but I saw this and just wanted to say how very happy I am for you Lace!! Big congratulations and Happy and Healthy 9+months!!

[antur123]

Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you

[LacePrincess]

Thanks everyone!! :) I appreciate all the well wishes!

I'm still so, so scared and worried there won't be anything there at the scan. I guess after all these years of trying it just makes you pretty cynical about anything turning out well after all that!

[XXforhubby]

I'm hoping and praying for a healthy, hopefully pink, sticky bean for you Lace!! I'm sure all will be well! I understand about being cynical. I thought, and still do from time to time, think this baby is too good to be true. His due date is literally perfect, even if he comes early or late, because of my DH's work schedule. I keep pinching myself.

I don't think it's too good to be true for you either and hope you can soon enjoy your pregnancy [emoji4]!!


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[LacePrincess]

Thanks XX. :) I really need to stay away from Google, it's soooo not helping!!

I guess right now until I get to the scan, that I have a hard time believing there's anything there at all, yk? It's been so many years since we've even seen a bfp that I keep assuming the worst. I suppose it's just my heart trying to protect itself, it's a lot easier to assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around. Less heartbreak. ;)

Well I guess I'll just have to hang on until the scan, at least I get an early scan, my worst nightmare would be having a MMC and not even finding out until 12 weeks+.

[XXforhubby]

I know it's hard. Especially this early. Avoiding Google is a great idea! When is your first scan?


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[Beans626]

Congratulations Lace! I am so excited to see your BFP! I know how hard it is thinking about everything being ok. Relaxing and just letting nature progress is something hard! I wish you nothing but the best and a healthy, sticky, pink bundle!

[LacePrincess]

I know it's hard. Especially this early. Avoiding Google is a great idea! When is your first scan?


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Aug 12. Not too long away - it'll be 7.5 weeks or so then. So far enough along the they should definitely be able to tell what's going on.

I was freaking out last week because of some brownish spotting, and they offered to bring me in for another round of bloodwork, but I ended up saying no. I just don't want to know, yk? I mean if my levels were falling I'd probably mc naturally anyways, and if they weren't then they couldn't tell me to do anything but wait and see. If they were borderline then I would've just worried even more. I also told DH to hide all my remaining HPT's, as, I just don't want to know, LOL.

Waiting is hard, but waiting with baited dread is that much harder. The spotting has stopped, thankfully, but I'm not hurling up a storm yet, so worried again, LOL. As I said, I'm really trying just to distract myself and not Google!

[XXforhubby]

I'll be checking back for updates then on or after August 12th! Il praying for a nice sticky bean with a strong heartbeat!!


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[LacePrincess]

Well I guess I was right to be paranoid. I'm starting to miscarry this bean, today is 6w4d. Sh!t.

Was spotting a bit of brown over the weekend, but didn't worry too much. This morning started to spot pink and checking internally had slightly blood tinged ewcm. Did a HPT and the line is fading out, so that's that.

The timing is just rotten (not that there's ever a good time to m/c!) as DH is leaving for new city for new posting today, so I get to have the 'fun' of miscarrying by myself too. The 4lbs I managed to put on in the last two weeks is also rather depressing to me. This sucks so damned hard.

[True Blue]

Lace I am so so sorry - this is so unfair :( sending you lots of love & hugs :sadflwr:

[Alias83]

Oh I'm sorry to read this lace :( thinking of you, xx

[LacePrincess]

Thanks TrueBlue and Alias. :) I'll be okay. It's a lot easier emotionally this time then last time - last time I felt homefree with a BFP, and this time I knew different.

The timing just really, really sucks. I did end up telling my older two so they know why mommy is going to be crying a lot the next few days. I'm kind of pissy about the weight gain too, all for nothing, argh.

I assume that there's nothing to worry about yet in terms of anything wrong with me, probably a chromosomal abnormality. My prog levels were really great so it's not that, and my thyroid was checked only a few months ago. It still sucks though and it REALLY sucks being alone this week. I must say that our failed IVF attempts hurt worse, at least we didn't spend tens of thousands to get to this point. :(

[bunnywabbit]

How terrible! I'm so sorry, laceprincess. You're in my thoughts. Please know we're all here for you xx

[mandyp85]

So sorry to hear that lace, thinking of you ❤ Xxx

[ImmiNAddi]

So sorry to hear Lace :(
I am also going through the same sort of thing (but booked to have a D & C next Tues).
Hugs to you xox

[LacePrincess]

Thanks everyone. :) It helps to have all your support!


So sorry to hear Lace :(
I am also going through the same sort of thing (but booked to have a D & C next Tues).
Hugs to you xox

Oh gosh Immi, I'm so damned sorry. :( I'm really sorry you have to have a D&C too, ugh! The one thing I'm glad of is that my body is starting the process on its own, or at least I think it is, I really don't want to have to do a D&C with DH out of town.

Big hugs to you Immi. This is so unfair. :(

[Alias83]

It's always bound to be a shitty time I guess.. I remember following your HT cycle. It does make you think about the chromosomal abnormalities doesn't it, there is nothing we can do about it either, that's just it sometimes, bad luck, and it's so unfair! Hope you are ok with DH out of town, can you get some support from family/ friends locally? x

[LacePrincess]

It's always bound to be a shitty time I guess.. I remember following your HT cycle. It does make you think about the chromosomal abnormalities doesn't it, there is nothing we can do about it either, that's just it sometimes, bad luck, and it's so unfair! Hope you are ok with DH out of town, can you get some support from family/ friends locally? x

Yes for sure. I'm not *shocked* yk, since I know based on my age and what we saw with our HT attempt that 2/3 of embies are probably going to be abnormal. It's best for everyone in the end that the bean not stick if it has an anomaly like that. I know that I would never do another IVF without PGS testing!

Right now I don't really want to talk to anyone today, but I do have friends and my MIL if I need to. :) So yes I do have local support if I want to talk. I just kind of want to mope and wallow for now though. My kids are a great comfort right now, I'm very thankful I have them around at least. This sure makes me appreciate even more the miracles they are.

[XXforhubby]

I'm so sorry this is happening! Ugh, why does stuff like this have to happen at the worst times?! I'm glad you do have support if you need it, and we will be here for you too! Hugs! I'm sending you lots of strength and healing [emoji8].


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[Kittybear]

I'm so sorry lace. Sending gentle hugs. (((()))) xxx

[Junie]

I'm so so sorry. Big hugs to you. Miscarriages are awful. I wish this wasn't happening to you.

[Summerstown]

Oh Lace I am so sorry. Its been such a hard year. Thinking of you and sending lots of love xxx

[Beans626]

I am so sorry Lace. I was so excited to see you got a BFP - I so hoped for a wonderful turnout for you. Many hugs going out to you lady - you are a strong woman and you will figure out game plan #2 I just know it!

[Mulberry Smurf]

So sorry Lace :( hugs, hope that you have some company or help with the boys? xx

[LacePrincess]

Thanks again everyone for the support. I'm really touched!


So sorry Lace :( hugs, hope that you have some company or help with the boys? xx

Well DH is home for today, but gone till the w/e after that...my MIL does live only minutes away so I'm sure she wouldn't mind coming over if I needed it. I just hope I start bleeding properly soon, waiting to m/c sucks so hard.

[djmommy]

Lace, I am so incredibly sorry. So not fair. I am praying for you.

[twointow83]

Well I guess I was right to be paranoid. I'm starting to miscarry this bean, today is 6w4d. Sh!t.

Was spotting a bit of brown over the weekend, but didn't worry too much. This morning started to spot pink and checking internally had slightly blood tinged ewcm. Did a HPT and the line is fading out, so that's that.

The timing is just rotten (not that there's ever a good time to m/c!) as DH is leaving for new city for new posting today, so I get to have the 'fun' of miscarrying by myself too. The 4lbs I managed to put on in the last two weeks is also rather depressing to me. This sucks so damned hard.

So many HUGS :hug2: and prayers for you and your family. I am beyond sorry for your loss.

[WannaGirl]

I'm so sorry to hear this Lace, I was watching your last HT cycle too. Hope you get lots of cuddles from your family to help you through. i bled for over 2 weeks before I finally felt the embryo come out ��

[LacePrincess]

I'm so sorry to hear this Lace, I was watching your last HT cycle too. Hope you get lots of cuddles from your family to help you through. i bled for over 2 weeks before I finally felt the embryo come out ��

Oh wow, 2 weeks? That's horrible. :( This sounds gruesome but I'm kind of hoping I will pass something recognizable, so we can bury it and have some closure. My first loss back in 2013 was so early it was just a late AF, really, so too small to see anything. Emotionally it was so tough because it just felt like there wasn't enough closure.

I am kind of freaked that I might have RPL issues though, but I guess I will let the RE do his job and figure it out.

Today I've just been cramping a lot and just a bit of bleeding but a LOT of bloody ewcm, yuck. I hope it doesn't take too long for things to get going.

[WannaGirl]

Cramping is a good sign, it was all over for me the day of cramping, take care hun

[antur123]

I'm so so sorry Lace. Hugs

[essnce629]

I'm so sorry to hear this Lace. Miscarriages suck so bad. I just wanted to wallow and be depressed. How are things going now? I hope you have support around. Take care of yourself.

[LacePrincess]

I'm so sorry to hear this Lace. Miscarriages suck so bad. I just wanted to wallow and be depressed. How are things going now? I hope you have support around. Take care of yourself.

Well things....kind of suck. :( My husband left late last night for his new posting. So I'm literally alone, and feeling pretty darned emotionally lonely too.

I'm just SO ANGRY at him for abandoning me right now, even though I *know* he doesn't want it of course and it's not his fault, I'm still really really resentful. I will probably make a separate thread about this later since I have to get it off my chest.

So I'm pretty scared that something might go wrong. My poor oldest son has been tasked with calling 911 and emergency contacts if something happens to me, and that seems such a burden on him. I'm scared not just for myself if I pass out or have an emergency, but what'll happen to the kids and how traumatized they will be. And I'm feeling all the usual rage and grief and loss. Meanwhile I'm googling things like, 'ectopic symptoms' and worrying because I'm not bleeding that much yet and what it could all be, and still having to drive DS2 to his ballet camp and hoping I won't suddenly get dizzy in the car while driving.

Sorry guys, lol, I'm such a wet blanket today, but it all just sucks so damned bad. It's so fucking unfair.

[Foxcubblue]

Hi lace

I'm so sorry to hear this, but hoping I can offer some comfort in terms of the physical side of things.

I have just this morning miscarried at 7wks 3days, so very similar to you. I started bleeding on Sunday (bloody mucous, like you) and cramping on Monday. Had some really bad cramps Monday night (felt a bit like early stages of labour) then settled, more bad cramping yesterday (tuesday) afternoon, then last night when just getting into bed I passed the placenta. It didn't hurt at all, I just felt it plop out into the bowl I was hovering over. First thing this morning, the gestational sack followed - I actually caught it in my hands as was sitting on the loo (sorry, tmi!). Again, no pain on passing this. Today, my cramps are less although bleeding is still quite heavy. We are going to bury the sack and placenta under a tree in the garden.

This is such a horrible time but I hoped to be able to reassure you that the physical aspect wasn't as terrible as I feared. My husband was around at the time as it was evening, but I would have been ok doing it on my own whilst looking after my two girls if I had needed to.

Praying for a swift and pain free resolution for you. This whole thing sucks - losing the baby is bad enough without then having to go through the m/c.

Hugs

[TaytumJ]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lace. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of prayers for you and your family. It's the worst thing in the world; take care of yourself.

[LacePrincess]

Thank you all soooo much for all the support. It means so much to me right now and it's so nice not to feel alone. :)



Hi lace

I'm so sorry to hear this, but hoping I can offer some comfort in terms of the physical side of things.

I have just this morning miscarried at 7wks 3days, so very similar to you. I started bleeding on Sunday (bloody mucous, like you) and cramping on Monday. Had some really bad cramps Monday night (felt a bit like early stages of labour) then settled, more bad cramping yesterday (tuesday) afternoon, then last night when just getting into bed I passed the placenta. It didn't hurt at all, I just felt it plop out into the bowl I was hovering over. First thing this morning, the gestational sack followed - I actually caught it in my hands as was sitting on the loo (sorry, tmi!). Again, no pain on passing this. Today, my cramps are less although bleeding is still quite heavy. We are going to bury the sack and placenta under a tree in the garden.

This is such a horrible time but I hoped to be able to reassure you that the physical aspect wasn't as terrible as I feared. My husband was around at the time as it was evening, but I would have been ok doing it on my own whilst looking after my two girls if I had needed to.

Praying for a swift and pain free resolution for you. This whole thing sucks - losing the baby is bad enough without then having to go through the m/c.

Hugs

Oh Fox, I'm so damned sorry for your loss. :( Big hugs back to you! Thank you very much for sharing though, that is very reassuring to me not to worry about the worst. I just feel really bad at how worried my DS1 looks today, he's genuinely scared to death that I'm gonna bleed to death at any moment. Poor guy has been forced to be 'the man of the house' with daddy gone at the age of 11 and I f'ing HATE doing that to him. :(

I really hope there will be something for us to bury. I have latex gloves stashed all over the house right now, lol, to fish anything I pass out of the toilet if I have to. But I guess if it was a blighted ovum there might be nothing.

Right now I'm still woozy and lightheaded and even a bit nauseous....symptoms I previously cherished and now just despise. The bleeding is wine/red today, no more EWCM, so I hope it'll pick up soon (well not pick up TOO much, lol). Now I'm just praying my body does what it needs to do completely. I see the emotional benefits of a D&C but I'd be too scared of possible scarring to opt for it if it wasn't necessary.

[LacePrincess]

Ok I've just posted in the Pregnancy Loss section if anyone's interested in reading my angry rant! ;)

http://genderdreaming.com/forum/pregnancy-loss/50898-fail-fail-fail-fail-again.html