DH not really on board with #3

[Inforthree]

My DH is happy with our two DS and has agreed to try for #3 next year, but he isn't really on board. Whenever it comes up he is not excited about it and makes it clear he would be happy to not to try for another. It's mainly the baby phase, he feels like we're just getting out of it and he doesn't want to start all over again. I really want to try for #3 so I'm willing to do it with a reluctant DH. Anyone else have this experience, did your DH come around? Also, I know he's thinking it will be DS #3, if it was for sure a DD, he'd probably be more excited. I wish he was excited about trying again like I am...

[Mulberry Smurf]

We had our boys in the same years :) good luck with your sway, do you think he will ever get on board - maybe he would like a baby break? We are playing a sway in a few years so we can enjoy baby free time for a bit! xx

[ImmiNAddi]

My hubby didn't really want to go again either. He was happy with 2 kids really! Lol..and here we are with 4 and pregnant with #5. He swayed with me but I must say the last few weeks (since finding out I'm pregnant) things are weird. He won't talk about the baby or anything to do with pregnancy. If I mention something like how tired I am he will say 'well that's your fault' - he is not a bad person, but he is being a bit of a jerk at the moment!
Maybe just go through the 'what ifs' with him so when they happen you will already have some idea of the reactions :) Best of luck xx

[XXforhubby]

My DH is the one who brought up the idea of having a third child and yet he kept flip flopping the whole time! He also brought up having a fourth when I was only 10 weeks pregnant with our DS3, and he STILL flip flops even though he said last week he definitely wants to try for a fourth child!! I'm just going to tune him out, since he loves having children and likes to BD frequently, lol! I'll use that to my advantage!!

My advice would be as long as your DH is willing to BD unprotected, I would keep on TTCing. I would keep all that you may be doing to sway away from him, and if it takes a while to conceive I wouldn't let him know it bothers you. I think that just makes it harder for them and easier for them to say they don't want to try anymore. We will be here for you!

FX and GL to you!


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[Inforthree]

Thanks, ladies. Yea he definitely wants a baby break! But he really doesn't want a big gap, plus we aren't so young. I'd like to just TTC now because I think (hope) he'll get more on board once it's a done deal. But for life/financial reasons we need to wait a bit. He's okay with the swaying stuff, he says if we're going to do it we should give it our best try. It's more that if he had his way we'd be done with two.

Sorry about your DH immi. That's what I'm afraid of is that he'll keep flip flopping after BFP.

I wish my DH had suggested #3, XX. No four though. Three is our max.


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[XXforhubby]

That is what my DH has said too, yet he has decided to wait to get his vasectomy next December so we have 8 months to TTC. Yet in the same breath he says he is done with having kids! I think his heart and his mind are in contrast. I just love having a baby and raising kids. We've been lucky so far our two boys are super easy and hopefully DS3 will be too! Otherwise we will be done at three too, lol!


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[atomic sagebrush]

Please don't expect that your husband will feel the same as you about kiddos. I have talked to so many women around the world and it is a universal thing that we are more baby-crazy than they are. We just can't expect that they will be as happy or excited about it. AT the same time please don't put your feelings on the back burner because men can and do start over again with new families all the time while we have a limited fertile window to work with and thus I think our wishes HAVE to outweigh theirs, because they will stay fertile for a long time and we won't.

if your husband is willing to TTC, that is more than some of us unfortunately. My husband could have stopped at number 1 (or even number zero I think honestly) and I have dragged him along for the rest. He is happy they're all here, especially our last one they really have a special relationship, but he still gets annoyed and wishes we had more freedom and spare time and money than we do because of the children. :/ I have no regrets though.

[Inforthree]

Thanks atomic. That's a good point. I am happy he's agreed try. I guess I'm afraid he'll change his mind. I look forward to it being too late for that!


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[The Anchor]

My DH is one of the few that would happily have had 10 kids if my old body had agreed. He would happily play with children all day long. I keep saying its because his mental age is the equivalent of a child. LOL. Almost 3 years TTC and he is still hopeful. It breaks my heart actually.

Once #3 is in your arms he won't be able to imagine life without him/her. GL!

[atomic sagebrush]

Doesn't it seem like sometime the universe likes to toy with us, Anchor. :(

[gizmo77]

So true atomic. My dh only wanted 2 but could have stopped at one. Later I find out from him that he can't stand the crying or really can't stand not being able to calm the baby himself (like a failure) and why did we have to have them so close together? And how they take up MY time and he wants to hang out without interruption, etc. and that he doesn't have or feel that same instinct or passion as women do with wanting or finding out about a pregnancy. however after dd3, he felt like he won a prize bc she is actually the only one as a baby who would go to him over me. He was just jealous all along ;-)

[The Anchor]

Doesn't it seem like sometime the universe likes to toy with us, Anchor. :(

Right?

[twointow83]

It was actually the other way around with us. I wanted another... someday. I wanted to finish school and do this and that before we TTC'd again but DH has had baby fever for a couple years now. I kept putting it off, saying no, ect. Then one day it all changed for me. Suddenly, it didn't seem so awful to take a term or two off school for preg/first few months PP. I honestly don't know what the trigger was. I often think it was looking at all the cute baby clothes, esp the dresses... but we had looked at them many many times before without it changing my mind.

A reluctant DH is better than one dead set against it. A reluctant DH could come around, or maybe he won't but either way I think once baby is here, or maybe even on the way, he will soften to the idea.

[Francine]

My dh wanted three and he was very pleased when we reached that point, he did not want another one. I was the one who wanted one more. We debated over it for months and finally agreed one more and that's it. Now that we are pregnant he is ecstatic, I was the one who had to tell him to calm down the excitement till we reached the second trimester. Perhaps you're husband is a bit like mine where it's "yeah, yeah, no thanks" but when it's in the making he's definitely on board, kind of like there's no middle ground. Good luck, if we managed to figure it out you guys definitely will :)

[2xblue]

I always wanted 2 or 3 children and DH 1 or max 2. When we had our DS1 DH said he thinks he doesn't want anymore. I was devastated. DS1 was quite difficult baby and I think that put him off. We had many talks about having a second and finally he agreed. We had DS2. I didn't realize how strong desire for a DD I had until I had DS2. I thought DH would never agree having a third child but he saw how much I wanted to try for a girl and he finally agreed. It wasn't easy decision for him and I feel sometimes guilty for that. He really does it for me. He would be happy with our two boys. I started LE 5 weeks ago and we are having first attempt end of September. DH is on board with swaying and is doing things that helps us sway girl. I know he's not really excited having third. He always worries about everything like financies, do we have enough room for three kids, are we going to have any time for ourselves etc.

[essnce629]

My husband is like Atomic's and would probably have zero children at this point if both our boys weren't oopsies! He's an attorney and comes from an upper class family on the east coast and NONE of his friends from back home (also all in high paying, high stress careers) have ANY children yet (he's 33 years old)! Like everyone else here in Los Angeles and back home, he'd wait till he was 40 to have kids (we had DS1 when we were 21 and 22). Every time I've gotten pregnant, including this last time when I ended up miscarrying, he's been extremely angry about it for weeks. After my miscarriage he started using the pull out method, condoms, and even went for a vasectomy consultation since I told him I was not getting back on the pill. So my chances of getting pregnant again are pretty slim. I'd love to have a DH who is one board and willing to TTC, but sadly that is not the case. You are lucky that your DH is at least willing to try even though he's not enthusiastic. My third pregnancy was planned on my part, as I knew DH would eventually come around, but I never in a million years thought I'd have a miscarriage and after that pretty much all chances of getting pregnant again were crushed. DH will never come around no matter how much we talk about it. We can afford it, have a big enough car and house, etc but he just doesn't want any more kids. But here I am, still swaying lightly, hoping that one lone sperm makes it through even with the pull out method. My boys were both oopsies, so I won't stop swaying if there's even a tiny tiny chance. I'm sure your husband will come around eventually, so I'd just go ahead and TTC while he's still willing to go along with it.

[Twobluebuttons]

My husband is like this. He's ok with us TTC but he would be happy to be done.
I now see that in lucky though. My husband loves me enough to have one more kid, just because he knows how much I want it.
He was never around kids growing up, so even with 2 sons, he freaks out, and can't handle ANY whining. It's kind of funny in a way, cause he's so patient with EVERYTHING, but kids drive him insane hahahha

But I agree most guys are not super into having kids. They love their kids once they're here, but most don't go through that intense baby fever and heartbreak over having kids like we do.

I think my husband is also on board only because he is really hopeful we will finally get out baby girl.


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[Boyzmommy]

Same wid me. My dh is happy with two ds but i m getting a baby fever since last yr

[atomic sagebrush]

My husband is like this. He's ok with us TTC but he would be happy to be done.
I now see that in lucky though. My husband loves me enough to have one more kid, just because he knows how much I want it.
He was never around kids growing up, so even with 2 sons, he freaks out, and can't handle ANY whining. It's kind of funny in a way, cause he's so patient with EVERYTHING, but kids drive him insane hahahha

But I agree most guys are not super into having kids. They love their kids once they're here, but most don't go through that intense baby fever and heartbreak over having kids like we do.

I think my husband is also on board only because he is really hopeful we will finally get out baby girl.


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:agree: the sound of children playing is like fingernails on a chalkboard to my husband. He would say it isn't the case but I can tell it bothers him. not anything obnoxious, just laughing and playing. He'll actually get up and shut the window instead of listening to it. :/

He also wasn't around any kids at all growing up. No younger siblings or cousins, his sister and he are only 18 months apart so he never even experienced it in his own family.

[Twobluebuttons]

:agree: the sound of children playing is like fingernails on a chalkboard to my husband. He would say it isn't the case but I can tell it bothers him. not anything obnoxious, just laughing and playing. He'll actually get up and shut the window instead of listening to it. :/

He also wasn't around any kids at all growing up. No younger siblings or cousins, his sister and he are only 18 months apart so he never even experienced it in his own family.

I seriously feel like it's the lack of contact with babies/kids.
My husband had like 3-4 cousins and none lived near him. He's the youngest of his siblings.
First time he held a baby was at like 25 and he looked like he was petrified lol


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[1moregirl]

I can soooo relate to this topic. We have 2 boys and one girl in the middle and I have been desperate for a second girl since before we conceived our third child. My DH probably would've settled at the first two, but our third was an unplanned surprise. We were overseas and I lost track of my cycle and we thought it was safe. Since the third my DH has been giving a definite No every time I hint at the possibility of a 4 th and final child. Our daughter had been begging for a sister and I really wanted to give her that since I myself had grown up with sisters. My DH even laughed at my Mum asking him one day if we were having another and said, "not with me she's not." Like I have plenty of time to go out and find another partner to have a child with when I already have 3 children with him and am turning 44 this month. I recently conceived a 4 th time after a light and albeit sneaky sway on my behalf. I got a BFP yet very sadly I miscarried at the 10 week Mark. I was convinced God was punishing me for getting pregnant without DH's consent. He had been really excited about this 4 th baby and genuinely upset when we lost it. Yet just today he again said to me NO more babies and that I could go out and have one with another man if I wanted one. I could seriously contemplate packing up and leaving him if he leaves things like this and won't even come to some sort of compromise with me. It's ridiculous. It's my body I feel that does most of the work so it should surely be mostly my say.

[atomic sagebrush]

1more, I got pg without Dh's strict consent (he was showing up and DTD, but not actively TTC) and I got my DG and a healthy baby so I can SWEAR this isn't the case.

I thought I had about .0000001% chance of getting pg at 42, but a miracle occured. Praying that you have a similar miracle.

[1moregirl]

Thanks soooo much atomic sagebrush. I confessed it on the ingender website and man did I cop a canning. And most of the time it's the women who judge that don't have DH's with the same issue so they just don't get it you know? I'd almost like to do the same thing again if I can't talk him round but he is adamant about wearing a condom now so I don't know how it's going to happen except for like a miracle in the case of the Virign Mary. Lol! You got any ideas for me? Something keeps telling me that the zofran caused my miscarriage. I don't know why. I just have a gut instinct. Also, do you think I should take a prenatal multivitamin this time or wait til I get a BFP? Thank Hun and thanks sooo much for sharing your pregnancy experience with me. It's always sooo comforting and reassuring when you know you're not the only one going through things.

[atomic sagebrush]

Ingender behavior is not allowed on here and is not going to be tolerated. That's not the way we roll around here.

I'm not obviously suggesting that anyone go behind their husband's backs or anything, it's just that a lot of us (not you or me luckily, but a lot of us, I see and hear some pretty screwed up stuff on here as I'm sure you can imagine.) are told one thing by our husbands like "oh sure you can have X number of kids" and "we'll do that after...I finish college, we have a bigger house, we make more money" etc etc and then we end up in our 40's without the family that we wanted and whoops off goes husband with new wife and new family and we get to enjoy our Lean Cuisine in front of the TV phase without the family that we wanted and oftentimes our husband agreed to! :/ Grr.

I think that what you can do is just tell him how you feel and hope for a change of heart, unfortunately. Once they start insisting on condoms or pulling out, the ball is kinda in their court (so to speak LOL). My husband was willing at that time to have unprotected sex now and then, and I just prayed that something would stick, which it did fortunately for me. But if I had known that I would still be able to conceive I wouldn't have gone that route, I really didn't think I would get pregnant at 41 and have a healthy baby with no problem at 42,a t least not without trying very hard. (now I know better, it's still possible girls, fertility doesn't decline as fast as they make it out to!) For me it was like I was indulding myself in a bit of fantasy thinking "oh wouldn't it be fun for me to get accidentally pregnant" and having unprotected sex, and not sneaking around with used condoms and stuff, I can't endorse that of course. Not saying you or anyone was suggesting that, just wanted to be clear for anyone reading this.

[atomic sagebrush]

oh and I know you know this already but age is the main cause of losses for gals in our age group. It wasn't something you did or didn't do, just bad luck.

[1moregirl]

I just hope and pray if I get pregnant again that I don't miscarry again. That's what I'm afraid of. The same thing happening again. Yet I had our 3rd at 40 so surely I can do it one more time?

[atomic sagebrush]

That's what we all hope. The odds are what they are (not fantastic) but they may be better than the experts make it out, esp. for those of us who have already had babies later in life. I woke up every morning 100% convinced that was the day I would lose the baby. Every time I went into the bathroom. I just kept saying "stick with me baby, stick with me" and I had a huge dollop of good luck that I did not deserve. Wishing you the best of luck!

[1moregirl]

Thanks Atomic. I am very lucky in that I am highly fertile - always conceived within a month or two of trying, so I'm very thankful for that. Yet, my main issue now is just being able to maintain a pregnancy and not miscarrying again. If I decide to go through with one more attempt it will be in Jan 16 and I will just have to hope and pray that the last miscarriage was due to a chromosomal thing and not due to my age. I will have to be mentally prepared that it won't be an easy pregnancy, due to always wondering if it will stick.

[atomic sagebrush]

Good luck and sending you all my "omg that old lady is having a baby dust'. :)

[atomic sagebrush]

Oh and my pg and birth was really easy. I had a much harder time with my pregnancies in my 20's and 30's than I did with that one for some reason. It's not always more difficult, over time your body may "learn" what to do at least for the birth part.

Try to always keep in mind, when you look at the odds, that most of them are coming from a time when not that many gals WERE having babies in their 40's and many of them were people who couldn't get pregnant for some reason and/or had never had a baby before. Having babies in your 40's just wasn't that common and so it's not really a random sample size.