grettasurfergirl
July 29th, 2015, 06:47 PM
i wanted to share some things I've learned about coping with GD in the hopes that I can help even one person feel better when they are struggling. I found out I was having another boy (even though we didn't want to know until delivery!) and was so distraught I told everyone we didn't know the gender. When he was born we bonded quickly and of course I fell madly in love with my baby. He's amazing. But I still felt sad. And the chorus of "I can't believe I had another boy" rang through my head a million times a day. To really make it worse, the comments from ignorant people just kept coming and coming, at least once a day. Little things, but they still stung. And I would cry and vent at my husband and finally he just made me an appointment with a post-partum therapist and told me to go.
After a few sessions with her and 8-months later, I'm in a really good place. When people make annoying comments I feel like now I know how to react and they really don't bother me much. I wanted to share what tips and tools she taught me in case you don't have time or money for therapy but always wondered how it could help!
1. A key part of this was figuring out why I was so upset. What was I truly feeling? In my particular case I was really blaming myself and feeling completely inadequate for having another boy. Like I wasn't good enough or I didn't try hard enough and I let people down. Try to figure out your reason, then ask yourself "is it true?" Are you really inadequate? Is it really my fault? No! It's not. Even with the best possible sway the outcome will never be 100%. It is not my fault. It is FATE and was meant to be. Everyone's baby is born and is the way they are for a particular reason and at a particular time and that's just the way it is. Accepting that (and having people close to me tell me that as well) really helped me to lift the self-hatred, blame and guilt for something totally beyond my control.
2. Learn how to respond to people's obnoxious comments. If people say something negative about boys (I get a sneering "oh he's such a boy" all the time when my toddler is running around or barefoot etc) respond in a positive way with a smile! Say "yes isn't it wonderful!" Or "they are so much fun!" Or anything else positive that makes it very clear to the other person (and reminds yourself) that you are happy your child is who they are! Remind them that your child is wonderful and don't take any sh$&@ from anyone! If someone is particularly annoying or aggressive with their comments, call them out! Say "what do you mean by that?" Or "what do you mean when you say that?" In the nicest way possible. Make it a point that you will not take their crap and that your kids (and family) are perfect as they are. Don't spend time with people who bring you down. Sometimes we have to (like family) but learn how to defend yourself in the most positive, nicest way possible. Nobody deserves any BS about this. The fake it till you make it tip is also great. (Read "the happiness project" book for more about that)
3. Develop a way to express gratitude for what you have. Try a journal. Use it to write down how you feel, things you are grateful for, and also reasons why you are happy you don't have the opposite gender. My friend complained that her 3-year-old girl is nagging her all the time about getting her ears pierced. What?! That is not a battle that I have to fight. I'm glad I don't! Write it in the journal. Or another friend said getting her daughter dressed in the morning takes at least 45 minutes because of all the disagreements. Wow. I'm glad my boys will wear whatever I put on them in less than 3 minutes. These are examples of things we don't think about when fantasizing about the opposite gender. Things I never thought about. It won't be perfect with either gender and it's good to rememeber the things we have easy and recording what we don't have to deal with in a journal. When you are low, look back at this list and remind yourself why you are lucky to have what you have.
4. Slow things down when you are struggling with GD. Take deep breaths. Practice mindfulness meditation where you set a timer on your phone for a few times a day and when it goes off, just notice everything about that moment you are experiencing. Try and let go of what will happen in the future. There are no guarantees and anything is possible (so don't assume your son will be a certain way when you just don't know what your adult relationship will be like). Be kind to yourself. If you soothe your body, you will also soothe your internal landscape and start to heal. Notice any physical responses to your GD (my jaw aches when I'm angry and my stomach hurts with dread or disappointment) and treat them with kindness as if you were sick.
5. Lastly, and this is not from the therapist, but blur the (gender) lines a bit. If you always wanted a girl and fantasize about getting pedis together, do it with your son! I know, I'm nuts right? But my toddler son and I get a polish change pedi (quickie version) every other week together. He picks the colors and sits on my lap and we both love it. Why should I be excluded from "girly" things? Yes this won't last forever, not much longer probably, but it's just an example. You love those cute bow headbands for girls? Check out a super cute bow-tie for your little man. Don't feel like you are restricted from doing something with your kid because of their gender. This helped me feel like I wasn't being "left-out" of things I had hoped to do with a daughter. For the time being anyway!
I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to try and get down as much as I could remember. I wasn't satisfied with just sitting back and letting time go by feeling as upset as I was. Now I feel like I can actually do some things that are more proactive and helpful. And, of course, I don't mean to offend anyone in anyway and I hope that I haven't.
Hugs to anyone out there who is going through a tough time!
After a few sessions with her and 8-months later, I'm in a really good place. When people make annoying comments I feel like now I know how to react and they really don't bother me much. I wanted to share what tips and tools she taught me in case you don't have time or money for therapy but always wondered how it could help!
1. A key part of this was figuring out why I was so upset. What was I truly feeling? In my particular case I was really blaming myself and feeling completely inadequate for having another boy. Like I wasn't good enough or I didn't try hard enough and I let people down. Try to figure out your reason, then ask yourself "is it true?" Are you really inadequate? Is it really my fault? No! It's not. Even with the best possible sway the outcome will never be 100%. It is not my fault. It is FATE and was meant to be. Everyone's baby is born and is the way they are for a particular reason and at a particular time and that's just the way it is. Accepting that (and having people close to me tell me that as well) really helped me to lift the self-hatred, blame and guilt for something totally beyond my control.
2. Learn how to respond to people's obnoxious comments. If people say something negative about boys (I get a sneering "oh he's such a boy" all the time when my toddler is running around or barefoot etc) respond in a positive way with a smile! Say "yes isn't it wonderful!" Or "they are so much fun!" Or anything else positive that makes it very clear to the other person (and reminds yourself) that you are happy your child is who they are! Remind them that your child is wonderful and don't take any sh$&@ from anyone! If someone is particularly annoying or aggressive with their comments, call them out! Say "what do you mean by that?" Or "what do you mean when you say that?" In the nicest way possible. Make it a point that you will not take their crap and that your kids (and family) are perfect as they are. Don't spend time with people who bring you down. Sometimes we have to (like family) but learn how to defend yourself in the most positive, nicest way possible. Nobody deserves any BS about this. The fake it till you make it tip is also great. (Read "the happiness project" book for more about that)
3. Develop a way to express gratitude for what you have. Try a journal. Use it to write down how you feel, things you are grateful for, and also reasons why you are happy you don't have the opposite gender. My friend complained that her 3-year-old girl is nagging her all the time about getting her ears pierced. What?! That is not a battle that I have to fight. I'm glad I don't! Write it in the journal. Or another friend said getting her daughter dressed in the morning takes at least 45 minutes because of all the disagreements. Wow. I'm glad my boys will wear whatever I put on them in less than 3 minutes. These are examples of things we don't think about when fantasizing about the opposite gender. Things I never thought about. It won't be perfect with either gender and it's good to rememeber the things we have easy and recording what we don't have to deal with in a journal. When you are low, look back at this list and remind yourself why you are lucky to have what you have.
4. Slow things down when you are struggling with GD. Take deep breaths. Practice mindfulness meditation where you set a timer on your phone for a few times a day and when it goes off, just notice everything about that moment you are experiencing. Try and let go of what will happen in the future. There are no guarantees and anything is possible (so don't assume your son will be a certain way when you just don't know what your adult relationship will be like). Be kind to yourself. If you soothe your body, you will also soothe your internal landscape and start to heal. Notice any physical responses to your GD (my jaw aches when I'm angry and my stomach hurts with dread or disappointment) and treat them with kindness as if you were sick.
5. Lastly, and this is not from the therapist, but blur the (gender) lines a bit. If you always wanted a girl and fantasize about getting pedis together, do it with your son! I know, I'm nuts right? But my toddler son and I get a polish change pedi (quickie version) every other week together. He picks the colors and sits on my lap and we both love it. Why should I be excluded from "girly" things? Yes this won't last forever, not much longer probably, but it's just an example. You love those cute bow headbands for girls? Check out a super cute bow-tie for your little man. Don't feel like you are restricted from doing something with your kid because of their gender. This helped me feel like I wasn't being "left-out" of things I had hoped to do with a daughter. For the time being anyway!
I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to try and get down as much as I could remember. I wasn't satisfied with just sitting back and letting time go by feeling as upset as I was. Now I feel like I can actually do some things that are more proactive and helpful. And, of course, I don't mean to offend anyone in anyway and I hope that I haven't.
Hugs to anyone out there who is going through a tough time!