Did you keep it to yourself or tell?

[ImmiNAddi]

I am wondering if those ladies who have been unfortunate and had a miscarriage, if you kept it to yourself (and husband/partner etc) or did you tell your family/close friend/s?
I haven't been able to answer the phone from my best friend as I am not sure if I can tell her or not... I am seeing my mum today for the first time in a couple of months, but I am not sure if I want to tell her either?

Did it make things feel better or worse for you if you told people? I don't want to hear all the usual crap that people say - like 'oh well, better now than later' or 'why on earth are you trying for a 5th baby'!
But I feel very alone, my husband won't really talk about it with me, he just gets uncomfortable or something and changes the topic.

I am currently waiting for a follow up ultrasound tomorrow, after being told at my 8wk scan that the growth was that of a 6wk and also that the heartbeat was very, very slow at 46bpm. I was told that it was not a viable pregnancy, so I am guessing that the scan tomorrow is just to confirm that the heart has stopped.

Ugh, this really sucks, I was so happy with waiting for a March baby and now it's all undone.....

Sorry to go on, hopefully someone will have some words of wisdom for me :broken:

[Ashforblue]

Oh Immi, again, I'm so very sorry.... When I had a miscarriage about 10 years ago, I did tell my best friend & I think it did help! I think having someone to talk it over might be very nice... Someone who won't make mean or thoughtless comments.... Do you have someone going to your Appointment tomorrow? Big hugs Immi!!

[Pbn3]

Immi I'm so very sorry to read this :( I have no advice just hugs and I hope you find someone close to you to talk to and help you through this

[Eneli]

If you can share with very close family /friends maybe can help. Talking about things without hearing nonsenses can be useful. Be sure ypu choose the proper people to share with.

[essnce629]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It really does suck.

Two of my best friends had miscarriages within a year and a half of mine and they only told their closest friends (me) and immediate family members (parents). I on the other hand, was so upset and feeling alone after my miscarriage (because DH wasn't on board with the pregnancy in the first place) that I ended up writing about it on Facebook and another parenting board I am a prominent member of and have been on for over 12 years. In the end, I'm so glad I did. On Facebook I probably had 50 responses and so many were from women who had gone through similar and told their story. Even women who had suffered miscarriages 30 years ago were still pained by it. Women who I had no idea had been through the same thing. I got lots of texts, private messages, and emails as well. I really felt like baring my soul helped me heal. I also posted on the due date of what would have been baby #3 as a remembrance. DH couldn't/wouldn't share my pain and having so many women rallying around me that had been through the same thing really helped. The first 6 weeks I was so sad and depressed that I couldn't talk to a few of my best friends on the phone (the ones with infant and toddler girls) because it was too hard. But I was so grateful to be able to have 2 best friends I could talk to who had recently been through the same thing. In fact, my one best friend has two boys like me and had swayed for a girl with baby #3 so she knew exactly what I was going through and how I felt. I was one of the first ones she told about her 12 week miscarriage and I feel like we helped each other through the hard times after our miscarriages. I'm so glad I had her to talk to. My mom knew, and even though I'm an only child and extremely close to her and I tell her everything, she has never had a miscarriage and didn't understand or know how to support me. She constantly talks about how she only ever wanted a daughter (she had 5 brothers) and therefore was so happy when she found out I was a girl. That's great and all, but didn't help the situation! She did come up and stay with me and support me physically and take care of my boys while I went through the miscarriage and I am grateful for that. But my best friend was there on the phone for emotional support and would have been there physically as well if we lived in the same city (I was also her doula for her DS1's birth so we are VERY close, like sisters).

I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you in your heart.

[ELP]

Sorry for your loss Immi, my advice is to tell the people you feel comfortable telling, people do not need to know yet or ever if you dont want them to. If they knew you were pregnant then maybe let them know but unless you feel talking to someone will help at this stage then maybe keep it to yourself for a little while longer :)

[ImmiNAddi]

Thank you ladies xx
My best friend is wonderful (and even a counsellor) but I think it is the 'saying it out aloud' part that is scaring me....
My mum and I are not that close and she is a little insensitive when it comes to things like this, so I might not let her know just yet....

Ash, I am going alone to the scan, which I am ok with, as I find it better to be by myself in situations like this (same as all of my HT cycle scans/appointments etc, I was by myself).

I think when I get some time alone on the phone with my bestie I will let her know, she hasn't been through it herself, but has had sisters and other friends who have.

Thank you again xx

[twointow83]

I can see both sides of the coin I guess. With my angel DS, I was so deep into the preg that everybody knew and I had to deal with a lot of the comments you mentioned. With my angel DD I was only 8 weeks so not everyone knew but several people did (close friends and family) and after her loss I didn't get so many dumb comments and I appreciated the fact that although not everyone knew about her, that some did. Some knew she existed. Some felt sadness for her loss. I don't know that I would have felt very good about her being our little secret. She was a life worthy of mourning. HOWEVER, I am starting to see the flip side of the coin. With our recent Chem preg I only told 2 ppl (other than on this board), my hubby and my best friend. It was very frustrating to, yet again, call and give bad news that things didn't work out. I am kinda getting tired of the "I'm pregnant!!!!.... Oh wait, nevermind, not anymore!" dance. I still haven't decided how I am going to work the next preg... whether I'll tell ppl early on or not.

I can't give you advice on what to do, I can only tell you my experience. The only food for thought I can offer is this: Do you plan to ever tell anyone about this preg if things go sour as you expect? If so, would you rather tell them before you know the verdict, while hope, no matter how small, still exists? Or would you rather tell them after? In other words, would you rather say "I'm pregnant but things look bad" potentially followed by a conversation to share the bad news, or would you rather wait until the verdict is in and share your grief with others who may be able to support you. Only you can decide which you feel you can live with.

(((HUGS))))

[Foxcubblue]

Hi immi, I just found out today that I have lost our baby (7 weeks). I haven't had the strength yet to tell anyone on the phone, but I have sent messages to everyone who knew we were pregnant (family and close friends) and have received some lovely message of support. It helps me not to have it bottled up and also to feel the love and support coming in. A couple of friends have also opened up and told me about past miscarriages which I think has helped both me (not so scary knowing what is to come) and probably also them.

I think for me it also helps that people know I am not ok at the mo, so I don't have to worry about them wondering why I'm not returning calls / cancelling get togethers etc.

Big hugs to you. This is such a horrible time. :hugs:

[Pink Pony]

Hi Immi,

Sending you a massive hug and thinking of you today. I am here if you need to chat. Dealing with a loss of any kind is hard as you never know what you are going to expect from your emotions, sometimes they can take weeks to set in before you begin to actually process how you feel. xx

[ImmiNAddi]

So sorry Foxclub :( It's just not fair.....

Well my scan today showed what we expected - no heartbeat, no growth. It also showed that the other parts (placenta etc) are powering on and giving me high and rising hcg levels, so it is not going to come out by itself. I am in the process of booking a D & C - just wish my 2 Dr's were both not away at the moment!! So I have to choose someone new :/

My FS and her sonographer said that I can ttc straight after and that I don't have to wait (unless there are any complications with the surgery) so that was a relief.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, I think I will tell a friend or two. We were not telling anyone about the pregnancy until after 12 weeks so at least I don't have to call back people with bad news etc, but still, saying it out aloud for the first time is going to be hard! :sadflwr:

[twointow83]

Hugs. I am so sorry.

Word to the wise... clear your schedule for at least a week of you can. I was in so much pain after mine I thought something was wrong. Doc said I was overdoing it and practically put me on bedrest. Your experience may be completely diff but better to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than to not and be sorely mistaken. Also, most of my pain was in my back and a heating pad was a big help. The rest of the pain was cramping (which is what got bad when I overdid it) and just a general raw feeling. Prayers for a quick recovery and peace in this painful time. Hugs!

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[Pbn3]

Hi immi, I just found out today that I have lost our baby (7 weeks). I haven't had the strength yet to tell anyone on the phone, but I have sent messages to everyone who knew we were pregnant (family and close friends) and have received some lovely message of support. It helps me not to have it bottled up and also to feel the love and support coming in. A couple of friends have also opened up and told me about past miscarriages which I think has helped both me (not so scary knowing what is to come) and probably also them.

I think for me it also helps that people know I am not ok at the mo, so I don't have to worry about them wondering why I'm not returning calls / cancelling get togethers etc.

Big hugs to you. This is such a horrible time. :hugs:
Foxclubblue this just breaks my heart first Immi and now you.... there are no words. I remember you both from the June 2ww and cannot believe you's are going through this :( My sincerest condolences to you both and I just dont know what else to say... so so sorry :(

[ImmiNAddi]

Thank you Pbn xx
I am still not believing that this is happening - I have never even thought of miscarriages....
I am hoping to be back in the game very soon, so maybe I will see you in a 2ww - although I'm hoping this is your BFP month :highfive:

[atomic sagebrush]

I told the barest handful and I found them to be almost universally unsupportive and felt regretful I had mentioned it as I ended up feeling worse.

I don't think husbands are "programmed" to know what to do in this scenario, unfortunately. Mine was also not helpful and told me I hadn't really lost a "baby" because it was too early. :/ It was to me! I still think of that baby.

I wish I did have the wisdom to know what to say - just know you are not alone. Hugest (((((hugs))))))!!!!!!

[atomic sagebrush]

Hugs. I am so sorry.

Word to the wise... clear your schedule for at least a week of you can. I was in so much pain after mine I thought something was wrong. Doc said I was overdoing it and practically put me on bedrest. Your experience may be completely diff but better to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than to not and be sorely mistaken. Also, most of my pain was in my back and a heating pad was a big help. The rest of the pain was cramping (which is what got bad when I overdid it) and just a general raw feeling. Prayers for a quick recovery and peace in this painful time. Hugs!

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:agree: also bled quite a lot after my 2nd one,which was very easy all things considered. Some people breeze thru it and others don't. Praying and hoping that it is as easy as is possible.

[atomic sagebrush]

Thank you ladies xx
My best friend is wonderful (and even a counsellor) but I think it is the 'saying it out aloud' part that is scaring me....
My mum and I are not that close and she is a little insensitive when it comes to things like this, so I might not let her know just yet....

Ash, I am going alone to the scan, which I am ok with, as I find it better to be by myself in situations like this (same as all of my HT cycle scans/appointments etc, I was by myself).

I think when I get some time alone on the phone with my bestie I will let her know, she hasn't been through it herself, but has had sisters and other friends who have.

Thank you again xx

:agree: me too I honestly think I feel better doing it on my own. That way I can process things in absentia of other's opinions and expectations. I am thinking of you though. (((hugs)))

[atomic sagebrush]

Hi immi, I just found out today that I have lost our baby (7 weeks). I haven't had the strength yet to tell anyone on the phone, but I have sent messages to everyone who knew we were pregnant (family and close friends) and have received some lovely message of support. It helps me not to have it bottled up and also to feel the love and support coming in. A couple of friends have also opened up and told me about past miscarriages which I think has helped both me (not so scary knowing what is to come) and probably also them.

I think for me it also helps that people know I am not ok at the mo, so I don't have to worry about them wondering why I'm not returning calls / cancelling get togethers etc.

Big hugs to you. This is such a horrible time. :hugs:

I"m so sorry FCB!! Let me know if I can help.

[WannaGirl]

Oh I am so sorry to hear your loss, I have come on just to see how you are going! I didn't tell my friends for my first one (DH told his boss and friend as left work at lunch and told a few friends so it wasn't a secret as such) but it came out when I lost my second with my besties as we were going out for Xmas drinks and got emotional and drunk! I don't think I told my mum about either actually but did tell her about my HT attempts.
I was looking forward to a Dec baby after US and coming so close, I have had four due dates in my head that never eventuated!
i hope u are ok, you have us forum friends to help u get through as well xx

[Hitmebabyonemoretime]

Im so sorry Immi [emoji174]
Everyone grieves differently, but I truly found sharing that grief with someone to be comforting, even if it was hard and painful to explain and talk about.
My heart goes out to you hun.


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[2xblue]

Immi I am so sorry for your loss :(

[ImmiNAddi]

Just hanging around waiting for my D & C on Tues... I knd of wished this would of happened naturally early on, but my hcg is still rising and the placenta etc is continuing to do its thing thinking I am still pregnant :(

I told my best friend over the phone - cried whilst doing it - which I hadn't done yet - I was right, it is much harder when you have to actually talk and say it out aloud.... I did feel better after telling her so that was a nice little bit of weight off the shoulders.

I also told another close friend, but via txt and told her that I couldn't of told her face to face, but now when I see her next it will be easier for me to talk about it without becoming a big mess (hopefully). She is going to pick me up from the hospital after the surgery as hubby will be at home with all of the kids and we don't want them to wonder why they are picking me up from the hospital.....

Wishing Tuesday had come and gone already....... Big hugs to the other Mumma's dealing with a loss, we are stronger than we know xox

[ImmiNAddi]

I spoke too soon - it has started :(

[Pbn3]

Stay strong Immi hugs and I'm thinking of you :(

[essnce629]

Sending you healing vibes Immi! I hope you have support at home to take over the care of your kids. During my miscarriage, I spent hours in the bath as it helped with the contractions. Both my boys were water births, so the water was comfortable and familiar to me. Please take care of yourself.

[Ashforblue]

Sending you lots of love & hugs Immi... Will be thinking of you today...

[Foxcubblue]

Immi...bigs hugs to you, I'm thinking of you. I'm coming towards the end of my miscarriage I think, so if I can be of any help or support let me know. You are not alone. Make sure you get lots of rest and look after yourself as much as you can.xx

[The Anchor]

Immi I am so sorry for your loss. It is SO hard and I think maybe talking to your bestie will help? You have to go with your heart I think.

Unfortunately when I m/c'd I had JUST told my family and friends as I had hit the 12 week mark. The hardest part was telling them all that there was no h/b at my 12 week scan. The only person that helped me really was my sister. I don't think if I hadn't had her I would have fared so well.

[ImmiNAddi]

Thank you ladies xx
It is done.
Would you believe that as I walked into the admissions centre at the hospital that I started miscarrying heavily! They showed me to the toilet/bathroom and then all hell broke loose, lots of big clots and blood. Somehow I managed to get it on my trousers and the floor so after I had tiedied myself a little I was on the floor cleaning! Oh boy....
The cramps were quite painful too, I would say like the middle of childbirth type pain. At least all of this got me put straight into a bed rather than sitting out in the patient waiting room to be called for surgery.
I felt much better afterwards, hardly and pain at all. It's just the emotional pain now (and I've managed to get sick with a cold so that's not fabulous).

My husband is being no help what so ever although this morning (day after surgery) has managed to ask how I was feeling..... No hugs, no talking about it (a friend took me to hospital and picked me up) so he doesn't even know what went down..... :(

Anyways, sorry for rambling, just needed somewhere to get it out I guess.
For ladies who have been through a d and c - how long did it take to get your period back?

[Pbn3]

Hi Immi just wanted to say I'm sorry dh isn't being very supportive (he may be dealing with it in his own man way) but I'm glad you've got a friend who was able to be there with you. Hope you get some answers re period soon.

[atomic sagebrush]

Oh Immi, i"m so sorry. :(

[mommymachine]

Immi I am so sorry. I am glad the physical part is behind you.

[Hitmebabyonemoretime]

Im so very sorry, I've been in your shoes sister. Right down the Dh being emotionless. They just sometimes don't know how to deal.... Sucks for us though :( big hugs mama


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[LacePrincess]

((((Immi))))) So much hugs, again. I am so damned sorry you're having a loss too. It sucks absolute balls and it's hell. :( I'm going to send you a PM with my gmail info if you ever want to chat, it's so lonely I know, and I know it helps me to be able to talk about it.

To answer your question, this time I did tell people. My first loss no one knew except my hubby, my MIL (we're really close and she was the only one outside of DH that knew we got a BFP), and my doctor. My doctor's office were MORONS but that's a story for another day - they ended up just making me feel worse on an already craptastic day.

I regretted keeping it all to myself. It was so hard, and so lonely. This time around we hadn't told a lot of people about our bfp (just my best friends and MIL again) but when we lost the baby we made a subtle facebook announcement. I realize some people might've thought badly of us, but really? I didn't give a flying f*ck. My baby MATTERED. My RE called it a chemical (I HATE THAT TERM) because we didn't get to our first u/s, but to us, it was a BABY. And the first one, definitely a chemical (I was only 4 days late on AF then) was still a baby to me. Both my angels mattered.

And while nothing will bring them back to me, acknowledging that they existed to the world, even if only for a few days in my womb, was healing to me. It does make me feel better for ME to say yes, they were important! Maybe no one else thinks so, but I do, and I am not afraid to say it to the world. It made me feel worse to keep it secret, like they didn't matter. They do. Your angels do too.

Anyways, after that FB announcement, I got a few pm's from some friends telling us about their own stories of infertility and loss, and now I have more 'IF sisters' that I can lean on. And without that post I would've never known! Women just don't talk about this stuff in our society and it's a real shame. It helps a whole TON to feel like you're not alone.

[WannaGirl]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your hospital experience, sounds like what I went through (at home) thank god the kids weren't home. Good that you got good service from staff too by not waiting.
Glad to hear you don't have to wait 3 months, I was told to do that so waited 4, then miscarried again! I was so cross at waiting for nothing! Hope hubby comes around for you xx

[adnilleinad]

Oh just read this, I'm so so sorry!

[purple]

Sorry you aren't getting much support from your hubby. As others have said, some men just don't know what to do or say. When I was randomly crying after my miscarriage DH would ask me "what's wrong?" which was really annoying as I was obviously upset about losing the baby and also getting over a traumatic experience at the hospital.



Anyways, sorry for rambling, just needed somewhere to get it out I guess.
For ladies who have been through a d and c - how long did it take to get your period back?

Both times I have had a d/c my period returned 6 weeks later.


Once again, I'm really sorry about your loss :( Take care.

[ImmiNAddi]

Thank you ladies xox

My husband is still being a real jerk - so much so that I think it may be over for us :( The only thing keeping me going was the thought that I would try again - but he has said he doesn't want another child (takes up too much of his precious time and he wants 'an easy life' - pfft - should of thought about that before having any kids I say!)

Anyways, today is the first time I have been out of bed since the surgery - mostly because of the bad flu I got at the same time. I am going to start clearing out my gear so if I need to leave I will have minimal things to have to take with me. I have NO idea whether I should take the boys or not.... too much to think about :(

[atomic sagebrush]

oh no I'm so sorry. Let me know if you need to talk - I've been there myself a time or two. :heart:

[twointow83]

Hugs immi so sorry you are going through that.

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[LacePrincess]

(((Immi))) I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. You really don't deserve this on top of the loss. I really hope it's just the stress from the m/c making things bad and that it's just temporary.

Let me know too if you want to chat anymore, yk where to find me.

[Ashforblue]

I'm so sorry Immi! Men can be real asshats! I hope he comes to his senses and becomes the man you need right now....

[WannaGirl]

So sorry you feeling this way, I think about it sometimes when mine is being a prick but don't get far with those thoughts, we usually make up...maybe just the threat of it might get him to pull his socks up?

[ImmiNAddi]

I would hope that he would chose to keep us all together - even if that means adding an extra little one - I'm sure once a new baby was here he wouldn't 'hate it' and we would get on with life (our #4 was an oops and we have managed just fine with him in the picture).
I think I am going to keep on with the LE etc and talk as if it IS happening and see what the response is..... I guess only time will tell.... this really sucks......
Thanks for being around ladies - mwah! xox

[WannaGirl]

Oh good, I hope it all works out for you and he comes around. They're hard work for what 2 years then what's one more??
I got asked today how my HT was going (a girl from work who is going through some ivf for genetic disease) and I said I'd given up and she was surprised, I didn't tell her how much I'd spent on just 2 rounds, maybe if I had she would understand. Anyway, was defending my choice and didn't cry or anything. I hope u get your hope of another baby, maybe even a pink one!

[mandyp85]

So sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time at the moment immi, I hope your dh steps up and becomes the man you need him to be right now, big hugs to you. Xxx