Fail, fail, fail and FAIL again

[LacePrincess]

I'm on day 2 of miscarrying this pregnancy. Yesterday was 6w4d.

I feel like my life has been split into two chapters. The first was fertile and blessed with no miscarriages or overwhelming infertility (we were subfertile but always knew we'd eventually catch the egg), successful pregnancies, and healthy births. Three sons with no issues. I always knew we were blessed and so lucky, but the point was never really driven home until the events of the past few years.

In Feb 2013, I had a very early loss. Pretty much a chemical. It broke my heart so completely and I was so devastated that I left the GD forums for almost a year. I think the reason why it was so devastating was it destroyed my illusion that we were immune from 'bad things' happening - that our streak of lucky fertility was done.

We failed to conceive on our own for the rest of 2013 and half of 2014. In the summer of 2014 we went for HT and GS at HRC. We failed spectacularly at that too - a poor (for me) protocol led to a poor retrieval, and eventually two FET attempts which also failed. So much time wasted! After all that HT and all those drugs I just basically didn't ovulate properly at all.

So we went back to my local clinic, where two rounds of Femara did the trick - we got our first BFP after 2.5 years of nothing. And then, only a few weeks later, I'm miscarrying.

The worst part is the timing. DH (military) is posted to a new job in a different city, about 2.5 hours drive away. (He will be home on weekends at least). And he left last night - on the first day of my miscarriage. It was already going to suck being a solo parent to my boys, one of whom has a dance camp in the next two weeks that requires me driving him in and out everyday (and 45 min each way, so 3 hours in the car per day for me). And why not, let's throw a freaking MISCARRIAGE on top of that burden!

I've had to talk to my oldest son about what to do in case I hemmorhage or pass out. The poor kid is only 11 and he looks so stressed out about maybe needing to save my life. It's just not f*cking fair to put that on his young shoulders. But I don't have a choice, he needs to know what to do in a worst-case scenario. Not only am I scared to death about my miscarriage going wrong, but I'm also worried what'll happen to my boys if it happens, and how traumatized they are going to be.

In the meantime I'm also resenting the HELL out of DH for not being here. I *know* it's not his choice, I *know* he hates it as much as I do, and I *know* he will constantly worry about me. I do have emergency help with my inlaws being very close. But it still leaves me to deal with all the emotional fallout by myself. And I hate DH for it. I hate that I can't put that on him, I refuse to burden him with it, I need him to do right by us and ace his new job - which he can't do if he's constantly worrying about me. A military career takes two to tango and I've spent the last 13 years supporting his career- I refuse to threaten that now after all that work! But that doesn't mean I don't resent the hell out of the situation his job has put me in. We might need counselling after all this.

It's just not fair. I'm so scared that my body is just too old to have another baby, that we can't make another healthy embryo, that we'll have to go through more losses to find that good embie. I don't know if my heart can take it but I can't quite just close the book on having another child. I honestly don't give a sh!t about gender anymore. I just want to have another baby and not feel so damned broken, and angry.

Also, I might break my tv if I see that f*cking Pampers commercial again!!!

[ELP]

So sorry to hear about your loss LP:( Everything sounds on top of you atm, I hope life or fate gives you a little help soon xxx

[LacePrincess]

Thanks ELP. I sure hope so too.

Well what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Except it has to NOT kill you first! LOL

[XXforhubby]

Rock bottom SUCKS! My heart goes out to you and all that you have to juggle right now. Keep venting to us until life FINALLY gives you a much needed break! I hope things turn around for you soon [emoji8]! Life can be so unfair sometimes- but I'm hoping and praying that the pendulum is getting ready to upswing for you!

Hugs!


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[twointow83]

I'm so sorry ((((HUGS)))) Everything you are feeling is normal, not that that helps any. I resented DH after we lost our DD. I resented him for not being a blubbering, water logged mess like me... like he was with our first loss. I felt like I was going through it all alone. That he didn't care. Loss is one of those things where you need a target. Something or someone to be mad at. You can't blame the bean, most of the time you can't blame the doctor... you need someone or something to be mad at and DH is an easy target, unfortunately for them. Looking back I know my DH was grieving in his own way, but that didn't keep me from feeling utterly alone. Just like you said you know your DH WANTS to be there for you but just can't.... that doesn't keep you from feeling alone.

I can't say that I "get it" completely about your 11 year old. My boys are autistic and my oldest has no empathy so with my losses he was very matter of fact and had I needed to ask the same of him I know he wouldn't have thought twice about it because, for him, it would just be a logical course of action without any emotional reaction. However, I believe that kids can handle more than we give them credit for. Growing up my Mom was a severe diabetic and I learned very early on what to do if she lost consciousness. Was the idea of that happening scary? Of course! But it felt better to know that if the worst happened that I KNEW what to do. I wouldn't have had to freak out about about not knowing what to do. I knew and for me that gave me a sense that I wouldn't be helplessly waiting for an ambulance to arrive... or worse, not even thinking to call the ambulance due to panic. It's a lot to put on his shoulders, but heaven forbid things get ugly, he will appreciate the fact that he knows what is going on and he knows what to do.

So many ((((HUGS))))

[LacePrincess]

(((twointow))) Thank you so much, everything you said really helps. I'm so sorry for your losses too. :(

I know my DH is like, a typical 'man' in that he feels his duty is to be the strong one. Unfortunately all his reassurances that "it'll all be okay" and "don't worry we'll get pregnant again" is only pissing me off at the moment, since right now IT'S NOT OKAY. But guys just aren't very good at talking about emotions.

And to be honest, LOL, I'd freak out if he cried. I think I do expect him to hold up the fort. And he's military anyways - that's what they're trained to do - be strong, internalize weakness, FIX things. I just hope he does grieve in his own way. In a way it's good that he's away during the week, he has his own apartment in the new city, and he can cry or rage if he needs to without having to put up a front for me. I got mad at him yesterday and he told me as much, that he felt the best way to help me was to be strong and DO things to make it easier on me. So I do appreciate it.

As you say, when we lose something, we do have so much anger and rage we need a target. And there's no one to blame but just bad luck most of the time.

I know DS1 can handle it. :) And you're right, they can handle more than we give them credit for! I did reassure him that it was EXTREMELY unlikely an emergency would happen, but if it did he needed to act swiftly and know exactly what to do. So he seemed to feel better after that.

[twointow83]

Glad I was able to offer help, no matter how small. I hate that so many are going through this right now. I hate that so many go through this at all. ((((More hugs))))

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[WannaGirl]

Well I have failed quite similarly to you, but have quite simply given up and much happier now (I am now going to hold out for Grandchildren I feel that bloody old and past it!) I hope its not much longer for you and you can try again. Stupid tv commercials, they always look so cute too.
Sorry that your DH is not around for support, maybe watch some nice dvds to take your mind off things?

[LacePrincess]

Well I have failed quite similarly to you, but have quite simply given up and much happier now (I am now going to hold out for Grandchildren I feel that bloody old and past it!) I hope its not much longer for you and you can try again. Stupid tv commercials, they always look so cute too.
Sorry that your DH is not around for support, maybe watch some nice dvds to take your mind off things?

Oh Wannagirl, my heart is broken for you too. :( I wish I could let go, but I can't, not yet. It would be easier if I could. :(

I have such a strong feeling that this little bean was a boy. Of course I have no way of confirming that, but I just kind of....know. The same way I had a sense my first loss was a girl. Yesterday when I was walking the dog I was listening to the Les Miz soundtrack, and just bawled at "Bring Him Home".

Then, after, I had a humongous fight with DH (online). I was so hurt he hadn't called or emailed to check on me all day. I made excuses for him all day too, that he was busy with his new job, etc. Then he promised that he'd be online after I got back from walking the dog and he wasn't - for like an HOUR. I was just devastated. It felt like being abandoned and it hurt worse than my m/c. When he finally got online he said he had internet problems, but I was still so damned furious because he had a cell phone and he could have fucking called. I was so hurt and I'm literally (and figuratively) all alone.

Anyways the fight was pretty much me losing my shit on him. I know he's hurting too, he told me already, and we don't usually have communication issues. But I felt like he didn't go that extra length to get in touch with me and he should have. I have soooo much resentment towards the whole situation.... I mean I don't blame him for any of it, but holy shit this military crap couldn't have come at a worst time. I'm also still harbouring resentment that I lost a whole year of my good fertile years in 2012 because he was deployed.

So yeah, I think we could do with some counselling.

[twointow83]

Oh Wannagirl, my heart is broken for you too. :( I wish I could let go, but I can't, not yet. It would be easier if I could. :(

I have such a strong feeling that this little bean was a boy. Of course I have no way of confirming that, but I just kind of....know. The same way I had a sense my first loss was a girl. Yesterday when I was walking the dog I was listening to the Les Miz soundtrack, and just bawled at "Bring Him Home".

Then, after, I had a humongous fight with DH (online). I was so hurt he hadn't called or emailed to check on me all day. I made excuses for him all day too, that he was busy with his new job, etc. Then he promised that he'd be online after I got back from walking the dog and he wasn't - for like an HOUR. I was just devastated. It felt like being abandoned and it hurt worse than my m/c. When he finally got online he said he had internet problems, but I was still so damned furious because he had a cell phone and he could have fucking called. I was so hurt and I'm literally (and figuratively) all alone.

Anyways the fight was pretty much me losing my shit on him. I know he's hurting too, he told me already, and we don't usually have communication issues. But I felt like he didn't go that extra length to get in touch with me and he should have. I have soooo much resentment towards the whole situation.... I mean I don't blame him for any of it, but holy shit this military crap couldn't have come at a worst time. I'm also still harbouring resentment that I lost a whole year of my good fertile years in 2012 because he was deployed.

So yeah, I think we could do with some counselling.
((((Hugs))))

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[WannaGirl]

That's tough on you, men never know the right things to say (roll eyes here) but mine has been pretty supportive through the roller coaster this has been. I am regretting the loss oft fertile years, my AFC count went down heaps in one year but I didn't know that was happening and can't blame him, if I said 3 years ago I wanted HT he would have done it.
maybe tell him how much u need him right now? Even if on the phone

[LacePrincess]

That's tough on you, men never know the right things to say (roll eyes here) but mine has been pretty supportive through the roller coaster this has been. I am regretting the loss oft fertile years, my AFC count went down heaps in one year but I didn't know that was happening and can't blame him, if I said 3 years ago I wanted HT he would have done it.
maybe tell him how much u need him right now? Even if on the phone

Oh I did! In many emails and many, many, many texts, lol. I also linked him to this thread too.

I know it's not intentional, but men do tend to react that way. I know some ladies are very hurt when their guys hide their own grief and won't show them, but I'm okay if he wants to grieve privately alone if that's his preference. But that's not mine. What I need him to do is communicate and be there and listen. And not break his promises when he says he'll be calling or online! I'm frankly not going to be very understanding outside of an emergency about missing a promised chat/call. I told him yesterday that he had no excuses unless somehow all the satellites in that region exploded in space and terrorists had destroyed the landlines too. Snort. The irony is, his trade is in communications and technology!!!

The loss feels so private in a way. Nobody knew about our bfp except my best friend and my inlaws. That's it. And I don't want to tell anyone else, at least not right now. I couldn't handle hearing any of the crap like 'at least it was only 6 weeks' or 'don't worry you can try again' or all the other insensitive things people say that makes you feel like your loss isn't valid enough to grieve. I had enough of that from the first loss. I'm sure you know what I mean!

At the same time though, I kind of want to run through the streets wailing hysterically, yk? I mean I won't, lol, but I don't want to grieve alone. I don't like being alone. :(

I love this vid I found on the Reddit loss forums today. This is pretty much exactly how I feel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyUrfQ-gIyI


I also NEED a way to memorialize the loss this time. I never did with my last one and I feel like that one is still lacking closure. So I need to do something to remember both of my angels this time. I thought of a tattoo....but I'm not a tat person, and I can't find any examples so far online I didn't think were tacky. The only place I would be okay getting a tattoo would be like right above the hip in the very low back (like to the side, so not a tramp stamp), but then it wouldn't really be visible to me.

Maybe jewelry but so far the only stuff I've seen is pretty cheap quality. I might go for a right hand ring from a real jewelry store, but I don't want anything too generic. So I'm still looking.

[LacePrincess]

Oh holy hell does the world hate me this week.

I just got back from getting my blood drawn for a beta check. My clinic has a no-child policy. There was an 8 MONTH OLD BABY GIRL in the waiting room today. Why do I know this? Because people were busy cooing over her and I got the 'fun' of having to sit there and listen to 20 min of baby gurgles and giggles while I waited for my blood test to confirm my miscarriage.

Un. Fucking. Believable. I will be writing a complaint letter to the clinic. Seriously WTF did I ever do to deserve this?!? I did give her a pretty dirty glare coming in, and an even dirtier one when I was leaving, I think she did notice it. Good.

[XXforhubby]

Oh Lace, that is just horrible! Not to mention inconsiderate since the clinic has a no child policy! I'm so incredibly sorry that all of this is happening! My heart aches for you! I would definitely write a complaint letter to the clinic- it might be a good release!

When I had my miscarriage before we conceived DS2, I thoroughly enjoyed playing darts by myself. It was cathartic for me. Maybe find something like that that you can get try and get some of the anger/rage out. Throwing darts solo didn't take it all away but allowed me to purge some of the rage I had to bury to take care of DS1. It still gets to me every May 23rd...what used to send me over the edge and want to punch people was when they said in time you get over it. They clearly either didn't ever have a miscarriage or truly get it! I mean, hello you just don't get over losing a family member!!!!

Huge hugs sweetie!


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[LacePrincess]

Oh Lace, that is just horrible! Not to mention inconsiderate since the clinic has a no child policy! I'm so incredibly sorry that all of this is happening! My heart aches for you! I would definitely write a complaint letter to the clinic- it might be a good release!

When I had my miscarriage before we conceived DS2, I thoroughly enjoyed playing darts by myself. It was cathartic for me. Maybe find something like that that you can get try and get some of the anger/rage out. Throwing darts solo didn't take it all away but allowed me to purge some of the rage I had to bury to take care of DS1. It still gets to me every May 23rd...what used to send me over the edge and want to punch people was when they said in time you get over it. They clearly either didn't ever have a miscarriage or truly get it! I mean, hello you just don't get over losing a family member!!!!

Huge hugs sweetie!


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Thanks XX! I love my clinic usually. There aren't any baby pics on the walls, they're careful about keeping parenting/baby mags out of the waiting room, and the no-child policy is great. But they have to ENFORCE the policy for it to mean anything!!

I just wrote the clinic director. I hope I hear back. At least it felt good to say something though. Just...of all fucking days it has to be TODAY, like seriously?!? And I usually let my guard down at my clinic because of their policy so I was completely blindsided.

I would love to find a hobby to do. I just feel really listless and don't have any desire to DO anything. :( DH is picking up a new DS game for me (the latest Cooking Mama game) but other than that, I'm not in the mood to do something yet. :( I kind of want to paint, lol, but I'm a horrible artist. I might go look for a paint by numbers kit or something this weekend.

[XXforhubby]

Yeah. I remember those days. I felt listless for a while, probably depressed. Give yourself some time and take it day by day. I'm so sorry!!


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[LacePrincess]

Yeah. I remember those days. I felt listless for a while, probably depressed. Give yourself some time and take it day by day. I'm so sorry!!


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Thanks, XX. :) It comes and goes....I only slept 3 hours last night, just woke up at 4am really upset and just couldn't get back to sleep and pretty much spent the hours till daybreak crying.

Then I had to drink like a tonne of coffee to get going when the kids got up, so I'm just exhausted but can't nap with all the caffeine in me. Also I kind of took probably too much Advil + Naproxet to knock down the cramps so I could drive safely. :P

So yeah I feel kind of wrecked right now, LOL, and a bit cried out at the moment. The grief comes in waves though. I actually don't mind when I can cry, it's more cathartic than this empty feeling. :(

[XXforhubby]

Huge hugs, Lace! Know that I'm praying for you and sending you strength and peace. I'll keep checking back often, sweetie!!


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[LacePrincess]

Thank you XX. Your support means so much!!

Okay my bloodwork is back, beta is 59. So it's official. In a way I'm relieved because it would be possibly very bad indeed if my beta was high but I was bleeding so much. At least ectopic or molar isn't a concern now.

I will be seeing my RE for followup next week.

[WannaGirl]

Lol, okay he should know what you want. That sucks about the baby being there.

Paint by numbers sounds therapeutic, and jewellery sounds good - maybe a charm bracelet with 2 special charms for them and one each for your boys? Or could hang something on a necklace (like a small ring charm?)
I think I am going to take up crotcheting or knitting (I was just on the library catalogue writing down some books and going in my lunch break today) think that will be a bit more productive than playing Candy Crush Soda in my spare time. I used to do jigsaw puzzles (mostly Anne Geddes baby ones mind you I have about a dozen gorgeous puzzles which I have done before in my ceiling) and cross-stitching as a teenager/20's. I'm going to keep some of the little baby girl outfits I pull out and play with, one day I might do foster care, if my kids ever get easier to look after - they are too much hard work atm.
Hope you are feeling ok and cramping not too bad. I often do the same thing if I wake at 4, couldn't get back to sleep.

[Summerstown]

Oh love, I am SO sorry you are going through this.

This is the time you need to call on your inlaws to help/spend that extra money and get someone to look after the kids for a few hours or put them in childcare or call a friend to help/ stick a movie on and give the kids popcorn. You can not do it all yourself at this time.

You need to look after yourself and spending time grieving and dealing it emotionally. As well as the physical side effects, dealing with the emotional side is part of looking after yourself. You cant do that if you are looking after anyone else.

I completely understand why you would feel that way towards your DH. I know you know it is not his fault but we need someone to take it out on in times like this and I am sure he understands that.

I am sending you hugest hugs & thinking of you = please take some time to yourself.

BTW - bloody shitty that there was a baby especially when there is a no child policy xx

[LacePrincess]

Lol, okay he should know what you want. That sucks about the baby being there.

Paint by numbers sounds therapeutic, and jewellery sounds good - maybe a charm bracelet with 2 special charms for them and one each for your boys? Or could hang something on a necklace (like a small ring charm?)
I think I am going to take up crotcheting or knitting (I was just on the library catalogue writing down some books and going in my lunch break today) think that will be a bit more productive than playing Candy Crush Soda in my spare time. I used to do jigsaw puzzles (mostly Anne Geddes baby ones mind you I have about a dozen gorgeous puzzles which I have done before in my ceiling) and cross-stitching as a teenager/20's. I'm going to keep some of the little baby girl outfits I pull out and play with, one day I might do foster care, if my kids ever get easier to look after - they are too much hard work atm.
Hope you are feeling ok and cramping not too bad. I often do the same thing if I wake at 4, couldn't get back to sleep.


I actually do knit/crochet and have an entire closet full of supplies! I needlepoint too. But I just can't focus right now on a project, not mentally.

Well looks like more videogames it is. We found a used wii with a pile of games - and my boys will not complain about a new gaming system in the house for sure, LOL. It'll be nice to take my mind off stuff that way too. :)

Your fostering future plans sounds like they will be very fulfilling for you. I hope they come to pass. :) For me, I think when it's time for us to walk away, we will likely just get more kittens or puppies, LOL. I have a habit of adding furbabies to assuage my need for more babies in the house. 2 years ago we got a puppy, and just last month a kitten. I might as well become that crazy cat person. ;)

I love bracelets but I can't seem to wear them without breaking them. Sigh. Or necklaces. I dance and workout all the time and I just never end up wearing either. And it would be a waste to leave it in my jewellery drawer. What I think I want is a right hand ring. I like the idea of something with a number of precious gems on it, lots of colours to represent a rainbow of birthstones of possibilities. And room enough inside to engrave dates of my lost angels.

[LacePrincess]

Oh love, I am SO sorry you are going through this.

This is the time you need to call on your inlaws to help/spend that extra money and get someone to look after the kids for a few hours or put them in childcare or call a friend to help/ stick a movie on and give the kids popcorn. You can not do it all yourself at this time.

You need to look after yourself and spending time grieving and dealing it emotionally. As well as the physical side effects, dealing with the emotional side is part of looking after yourself. You cant do that if you are looking after anyone else.

I completely understand why you would feel that way towards your DH. I know you know it is not his fault but we need someone to take it out on in times like this and I am sure he understands that.

I am sending you hugest hugs & thinking of you = please take some time to yourself.

BTW - bloody shitty that there was a baby especially when there is a no child policy xx


*hugs back* Thank you Summerstown. It does suck so hard. The worst is feeling at the total mercy of this, nothing that succeeded for us in the past successful pregnancies seems to be working anymore.

Oh and I totally wrote a complaint email to the clinic director. I mean they HAVE a written no-child policy! They need to actually enforce it for it to mean a damned thing though.

I do have support. I know I need to ask for help, etc. I promise you I will. Fortunately my DH got his act together, and yesterday we were emailing back and forth all day, and chatted in the evening. I feel so much better now.

I also posted our sad news to Facebook, and lo and behold a big shocker. My neighbour, the one we've known for 4 years now and our kids are best friends, the one that had the new baby earlier this year that I avoided like the plague when she was hugely pregnant. Well anyways, she pm'ed me after our FB announcement and said she has also had 2 m/c's, and had infertility issues conceiving #3. WOW! I never knew. And she never knew I had issues. It's amazing how common infertility is, which is why women need to frigging talk about it!!! The worst part about losses is feeling isolated and alone. There's no need for that!

So anyhow, happily, now I have a huge source of support right next door. Wow! :)

[LacePrincess]

So you guys, today, I am really frustrated. My bleeding is down to spotting, and OMG WTF. So far I've bled less than I would during a period. My betaHCG is definitely not 0, so there is just NO WAY that is it. Crap crap crap crap crap. So much for getting this all over with quickly. I wasn't even crampy at all overnight. This is so frustrating.

I do see my RE on Wed so I will get Cytotec to get things going I guess. OMG this is annoying. I just want it to be done, I totally get why people go for the D&C, but I'm too scared of complications like scarring and possible future fertility problems from a D&C to do it now. BLARGH I hate my body right now.

I'm also depressed about where to go from here. Do we just keep trying till something sticks for good? But I'm not young. I don't have many years left in my fertility. There is IVF, but obviously the only reason would be to do it go get the PGS done, but so much money and I've seen how that can fail too. I would feel that much worse losing a pregnancy after all that cost. Plus we'd have to go long distance to cycle in that Montreal clinic that will help me GS.

It just feels depressing to consider the options, and so exhausting at the very thought. I know, I don't need to make that decision today, but gosh we turn 36 this month and it just feels like there's no frigging time left. :(

[Summerstown]

OH MY GOODNESS!! That is so strange, I am sorry you both have gone through it (I know how shit it is) but really pleased that you have such a support next door - and most importantly, a massive example of how things turn around!

Glad you are feeling better. Im here if you need anything xxx




*hugs back* Thank you Summerstown. It does suck so hard. The worst is feeling at the total mercy of this, nothing that succeeded for us in the past weeks to be working anymore.

I do have support. I know I need to ask for help, etc. I promise you I will. Fortunately my DH got his act together, and yesterday we were emailing back and forth all day, and chatted in the evening. I feel so much better now.

I also posted our sad news to Facebook, and lo and behold a big shocker. My neighbour, the one we've known for 4 years now and our kids are best friends, the one that had the new baby earlier this year that I avoided like the plague when she was hugely pregnant. Well anyways, she pm'ed me after our FB announcement and said she has also had 2 m/c's, and had infertility issues conceiving #3. WOW! I never knew. And she never knew I had issues. It's amazing how common infertility is, which is why women need to frigging talk about it!!! The worst part about losses is feeling isolated and alone. There's no need for that!

So anyhow, happily, now I have a huge source of support right next door. Wow! :)

[Foxcubblue]

Lace, so sorry this is dragging itself out. I thought I was done and then last night had terrible, terrible cramps again and passed loads of big clots and some tissue at 4am (sorry, tmi). Now feeling knackered and really depressed again.

I have tried to start thinking about TTC and swaying again but have decided not to let myself until this m/c is totally over - I have enough to deal with at the moment without making big decisions about the future. Maybe the same for you?

And I totally get what you say about people needing to talk about this more, so many of the friends I have told have also had past issues that I knew nothing about and it helps me hugely to know this, both that I am not alone and that I see these people have gone on to have healthy, happy children.

Big hugs xx

[LacePrincess]

Lace, so sorry this is dragging itself out. I thought I was done and then last night had terrible, terrible cramps again and passed loads of big clots and some tissue at 4am (sorry, tmi). Now feeling knackered and really depressed again.

I have tried to start thinking about TTC and swaying again but have decided not to let myself until this m/c is totally over - I have enough to deal with at the moment without making big decisions about the future. Maybe the same for you?

And I totally get what you say about people needing to talk about this more, so many of the friends I have told have also had past issues that I knew nothing about and it helps me hugely to know this, both that I am not alone and that I see these people have gone on to have healthy, happy children.

Big hugs xx

BIG BIG hugs right back!!

I am so sorry you're going through this shit too, Foxclub. :( It just SUCKS. This morning I felt physically fine, but emotionally starting to get the blues. I'm really depressed that it's all downhill from here.

I guess it's possible maybe I already passed the sac? I don't know. A few days ago I did pass a fairly large blob that just looked like a big blood clot. Not massive, but maybe the size of a peach pit. I did have a brief gush of clear fluid last Sat that I now suspect might have been the sac bursting and that was the amniotic fluid. There's nooooo way I've bled enough to clear the lining though.

I suppose if my hcg levels go negative and I don't bleed, this might be it. However this probably means I will have the period from HELL next time since there has got to be an awful lot of endometrium left. Blargh so frustrating that my clinic is so stingey with scans, they won't even do one for me right now, just bloodwork. Grrrr. I find it weird but I don't have the energy to get outraged about their policies right now.

You're right I shouldn't be thinking too far about the future or what-ifs. It's overwhelming and crushing when it's all out of my control anyways. It really helps to hug my kiddoes, thank God I have them. And I'm SO THANKFUL we had kids so young. If we'd waited like people were warning us to maybe we never would have had any. So I'm even more grateful than I ever was for my boys, even though it's a real bittersweet feeling to look at especially my 'baby', DS3, and think that he might be my last.

I'm really glad I made that FB announcement. It was nothing too over the top, I just posted that Youtube vid I linked upthread, and put the date of the miscarriage and "Goodbye sweet angel". That was it. I'm so glad that I found an 'infertility sister' in my neighbour though! We as a society REALLY need to talk about this stuff. The worst is when people have infertility, or losses, and feel like they're the only ones that are 'broken' and the rest of the world is Fertile Myrtle when that is completely untrue. It's just plain harmful when society only wants us to talk about the good and the success, and never about the bad. So when the crap happens, it just makes it that much more traumatizing to feel like you're the only broken one and all alone.

Well, screw that! LOL!! Oh and also, no such thing as TMI. I've gotten to the point where I'm in such a habit of talking about allllllll my private parts and discharge and gross details it's just part of normal conversation now for me, LOL. I have to remind myself that perhaps normal people really don't want to hear about the consistency of my bloody discharge or the size of the blood clots I just passed!

[WannaGirl]

Hugs! Even after the miscarriage you will have a period like normal, I definitely knew when the baby was expelled from my body, felt like childbirth, God damned horrible- that was 10 weeks, other one was 5 weeks and just felt like a normal period, u are somewhere in between.
Glad you've found support, Hope it's over for you soon and can move on- you tube video sounds like a nice way to acknowledge baby xx

[LacePrincess]

Hugs! Even after the miscarriage you will have a period like normal, I definitely knew when the baby was expelled from my body, felt like childbirth, God damned horrible- that was 10 weeks, other one was 5 weeks and just felt like a normal period, u are somewhere in between.
Glad you've found support, Hope it's over for you soon and can move on- you tube video sounds like a nice way to acknowledge baby xx

Yah our last loss was earlier, so it was just a late really heavy AF.

This time it's hard to tell what to expect since we're not sure when the bean stopped developing. We know from my bhcg levels it's not ectopic or molar, but not sure if it was a blighted ovum possibly or if not, when it died. I am cramping constantly though so it feels like there's more to be expelled, but my flow keeps stopping. It's very irritating.

My clinic did email me back and I will go do another beta on Mon, and I see my RE on Wed. So I guess based on my hcg levels he'll make the call if it's appropriate to try some medical management. We'll see.

At least exercise does relieve the cramping - so no excuse to couch veg and get fat and lazy!! LOL!!! Which is good, because the exercise keeps my mood up too which I need.

Ah, poor hubby too. The apartment he's renting is a basement apartment of a young family. And they have a 1.5 yr old daughter, and apparently her mom likes to have lots of tots over for playdates. :( He had a real tough time seeing that this week, told me he had to go buy headphones so he wouldn't hear the little ones playing. Poor guy. It's hard on him too, for sure.

[LacePrincess]

Hmm....so now I'm thinking perhaps that one bigger clot might've been it.....I POAS on a IC this morning and it's negative. This test has a 20miu sensitivity. I've ordered more that are even more sensitive to track as well.

I guess those cramps the last few days might've been contractions shrinking my uterus? Well it sure would be nice if this was it! Though I still fear my first 'real' AF will be HIDEOUS. :P

[WannaGirl]

Yeah maybe, hope so hun. Hope the beta test and specialist help to determine. Exercise is a great outlet. Poor hubby too.

[The Anchor]

Oh no lace, I'm just reading this now. I'm so so sorry. :(

[cheyne suker]

Can u tell me why IVF attempts failed?

[atomic sagebrush]

Can u tell me why IVF attempts failed?

This is a pretty old thread, Cheyne. If you have questions about IVF I suggest starting a new thread in our high tech forum where there are lots of people who are actively going through the process right now to answer lots of questions. :)

The unfortunate truth is that we only rarely ever find out what ever went wrong. Doctors know about .001% of how this really works and most people who don't succeed with IVF are never given a solid reason as to why, just a lot of guesswork.