shouldn't be here, but I am

[needmorepink]

I am sorry to those that may be offended. I shouldn't be here, but I am. I had 3 boys before I got a dd. I had horrible gd for years. We had 2 miscarriages since dd. We are now swaying for another dd. Dh only wants another girl. He already gave me option of what I can do if it's another boy. He wants me to keep going until we get another girl. I am not even pregnant and already depressed, and having anxiety attacks, and a bad pit in my stomach over the gender of the next baby. I just know it's going to be a boy. I been cheating so bad on the diet that I might as well just not do anything. No, we are not happy with the family we already have. Sad as that sounds. Yes, we looked into HT. We can't afford it out of pocket and would need to get a loan, which he would have to work 2 jobs to pay off. Now his credit decreased 9 points for some reason so not even sure if he will qualify for that loan anymore. Even if he was it would only be for the price of one cycle, unless we went with a clinic that had a 3 cycle package, but low success rates. What are the chances of it working though for the sacrifices we would have to take? So depressed just don't know what to do.

[Claire33]

Sorry you are in this situation! I can totally understand. That is why I'm stopping at 4, not my ideal family, but better than it was. If I was younger and had the energy for 5 children I would go HT for a 2nd DD. But I'm getting too old for HT and can hardly handle 3, let alone 4 kids :D So 5 is out of the question, my daughter will remain sister-less.

In your case, trying for a 2nd DD without doing HT, I just wouldn't dare. I gather that your DH is suggesting an abortion if it's a boy and then try again? I really wouldn't be ok with that personally. I mean you are the one who has to live with going through an abortion, not him. I don't think it's his place to suggest aborting a baby in the first place.

I really don't know what else to say other than lots and lots of luck to you in this situation.

:bighug:

[atomic sagebrush]

Some people get terrible GD when they want a second daughter. I don't think anyone on this site judges anybody else over that. GD is not about what you have, it's about not getting the family that you dreamed of.

All that having been said, you aren't a helpless victim either and you can control your thoughts and feelings to some extent. Everyone on the face of the planet does have to learn to live with disappointments and things that you dreamed of that don't go your way. Over time, the feelings will diminish and you may even find that you feel good about stopping where you are eventually, maybe not right this minute but over the course of time.

Once upon a time I would have thought I"d be devastated to have just one DD in a pack of boys because I always desperately wanted a sister my own age, but now I realize that actually helps she and I to have our little "girls club" and also that she is even more special because she's "the girl". (I share that not to be offensive or hurt any feelings but just that that is my personal coping mechanism to make me feel better about what would have once really bothered me). She doesn't seem to care, she may over time but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[needmorepink]

I wrote a whole reply but it got eaten somehow. I told dh to get a vasectomy after dd, but he would not do it. He said he is not happy right now, and will never become happy with it the way it is. He wants 2-3 more girls. I promised him ONE more. That is it! I would be happy with just one more, and that is the truth. He is fine with my promise as long as he can at least get ONE more. Not what he wanted, but said he would be happy with that. Our boys were born with genetic medical issues. The chance of another born with it goes up with each one that has it. We have two, so our chances are good that if we were to have another he would have it too. And yes, he did give "that" as a choice for me. The others were give them up for adoption or take the boys, leave and take care of them myself. We can not afford high tech out of pocket. We would have to get a loan, and would have to make huge sacrifices to pay it off. It would only give us one chance at a good clinic or 3 at a poor clinic. Most people don't have success with only one cycle. If I take the 3 cycle my chances would go down again because of their low statistics the way it is. Not sure it would be worth making everyone suffer for nothing. If it succeeded of course it would be worth it! Just found out his credit score dropped 9 points, so might not qualify anymore since we were already on the boarderline for credit score. Weird thing is nothing on his credit changed other than he paid off a loan in full and it closed. Thought that would bring credit up not down! I had 2 miscarriages since dd and feel like one of them had to be a dd. Now I feel like I am starting over and have to go through another few boys before I get an opposite again. Doesn't matter how much I sway. I know it sounds silly, but its the way I feel and how my mind is thinking at the moment. I am so depressed and been cheating more and more on the diet due to it which makes me feel even more doomed. Not sure which route or how much I can take to keep this family together!

[Jany1025]

I feel very bad for you. How much mentally can you take? He is not happy with only one daughter so the pressure is on you to conceive another daughter or terminate a male fetus?(not judging). I think I would be losing it too if these were my options to keep "the family together"! Do you even want another child??

I know you said you can only afford only one cycle or 3 at a "bad" clinic? What is your quote for a 3 cycle package for this no so good clinic?

I just think you need more of a guarantee at this point, don't know what aborting multiple male fetuses will do to you physically and mentally in the long run??

[Babygirlquest]

Honestly this sounds horrendous. Can you really face those options? Aborting a male child? Giving him up at birth? Raising five kids alone? I'm not trying to be rude but how will another daughter magically make your family complete in his eyes? I can understand he wanted girls but so do lots of us. I have four boys and may never get a girl but if I don't I will make my peace with it. You have one daughter and I can so get wanting to give her sister but not at the expense of your family and marriage.

Personally I would refuse to go along with any of this. If you can't afford high tech then in my opinion it is not worth the risk of trying naturally, especially if you have three boys already. I think what he is asking you to do is absolutely awful.

I hope it doesn't seem I'm judging you. You just seem so unhappy with all of this that I don't see how you can continue. I think you either put your foot down to no more, unless he agrees to accept another baby boy, or you do high tech. If it doesn't work maybe he will agree you are done.

[needmorepink]

That is what I don't know. I don't know how much I can take mentally or physically doing any of them. I know I couldn't raise 4 kids myself. We lost the third boy in the second trimester. Ironic thing is the report came back as normal male and prolly a fluke occurrence. The one disorder however wouldn't be determined until after birth since it is a blood disorder. We both were the happiest in our life when I was pregnant with dd and that year after. I wanted him to get a vasectomy right than and there so I would never loose my happiness, but he wouldn't. The older she is getting and the more he pesters me about getting another and falliing pregnant twice already, I'm falling back into that gd hole again. I don't feel I can get out of it now, until I get that happy ending. I know I will never get that happy ending with him until we get that second. If I don't he says he will leave and find someone who will.

[Babygirlquest]

Honestly if he is being like this about it maybe you have to assess whether you want to be married to someone like this. Without high tech there is nothing you can do to guarantee the baby is a girl. It sounds like he will blame and resent you if the baby is a boy. I feel very sad for you and your children. I hope you can find a way to get through to him xxx

[trifecta]

He is putting so very much pressure on you to achieve something over which you don't have control. I really think he needs to see a psychologist and you should probably both see a marriage counselor. I'm so sorry he's putting you in this position. It's completely unfair. It sounds like the underlying problem is that he's still having a hard time adapting to your sons' conditions.

[Claire33]

What is the reason for him wanting more girls? Is it because they will be healthy, no blood disorders? Or does he prefer girls over boys for other reasons? Why 2-3 more girls? Why not just one more girl? Is he ok with aborting boys because they will likely have a condition? How is he as a dad to your sons? Sorry for all the questions.

Sorry you are going through this sweetheart, it sounds so hard.

[needmorepink]

Other than us arguing over how many children to have, and sometimes money, he is great. He always wanted a big family. Like 6-8 kids. He always wanted girls, but didn't mind a boy or two as long as the majority of them were girls. From the beginning he didn't want boys because he feels he can't be a good father to a boy/s. But he knew with wanting that many kids it was unrealistic that all would be girls. Than yes, the genetic issues just makes him all the more only want girls. It's my fault I can't give him the amount of kids he wants because I fear of having more boys with genetic issues, Which again is my fault. I always wanted a big family too, until I found out I was going to have kids with genetic issues. Even before this I didn't want boys either, but I learned to accept it, until our second son was born in such bad condition. That is why I wanted to end after dd was born. I wanted to stay happy and not have to go through the depression and gd that I am going through now. I feel like the least I can do is give him one last dd since I couldn't give him 1.) healthy boys and 2.) the amount of kids he wanted. As far as how he is with the boys..He is good, but no where near like with our daughter. He actually enjoys doing things with her. He does things with the boys too, but you can tell he doesn't get into it and doesn't look like he is actually having fun like he does with her. He hates sports, action figures, etc. So when they want to play baseball you can see the look on his face like i hate this do i really have to? but does it anyway. Now with our dd he smiles and enjoys playing with her dolls, painting her nails, playing kitchen, dressing up, watching princess movies, etc. He will put one on and say he put it on for her, but she would be in a different room getting toys to throw at him. Sometimes I wonder if he is a little gay? lol I know he isn't or wouldn't be with me, but everything he is into is girly. Another reason I love him. We don't fight over what to watch because he loves watching all the chick flicks and shows. lol Never sports on tv in this house!

[Claire33]

I think your husband is being very optimistic thinking in advance that most of your kids would be girls, or that your next babies will likely be girls. You say that he is a nice person, but he is threatening to force you to adopt away any next boys or else leave you to take care of them by yourself. Could he really just give up a son after birth, just like that? Could he really leave a newborn, 4 older kids and his wife, just because the newborn was a boy? I'm confused....

My husband isn't the typical macho man (not into sports and cars etc). But he loves to spend time with his boys and takes them for walks and does other activities with them. He would have been completely fine with no girls, even though he is happy to have one daughter now soon. I would be slightly weirded out if my DH would want 2 or 3 more girls after this, and threaten to leave or cooerce me into having an abortion if I had any more boys. This is not normal, but it seems to me that this has become your normal, and he seems to think that this is an absolutely fine and reasonable demand.

[Babygirlquest]

I totally agree with Claire. You are justifying frankly unjustifiable behaviour, even putting the blame of this on your shoulders. It's not your fault your sons have a genetic condition. It's both sets of genes that have caused that, so if he is blaming you for that he would be equally responsible. You cannot guarantee a girl for him. I'm sorry he wanted a big family of girls and won't get it but that is life. We all adjust our expectations and learn to live with what we are given. I never expected to have four boys but I do and I love them dearly.

He needs to find common ground with his sons. That doesn't mean he has to do all macho stuff, I am very girly and have plenty in common with my sons. They are his children and it is his job to nurture them with as much enthusiasm as he would a daughter.

My honest opinion is not to have anymore. Unless you can go high tech, which doesn't seem like a possibility financially. I do not think even one more girl would placate him and the risk of another boy and what that could do to your family is too much!

[JJ66]

Just chiming in here. I agree with the ladies' feedback. This is a bad situation, to put it lightly. But plans for more children aside for one moment: he's not treating you like a man should treat his wife. Your happiness should be his priority. Your SANITY should be an even bigger priority. You're tormented, and he's the root of it. Does he recognize this?

He'd rather you leave with your children (or just your boys), than not get another daughter. So you and your sons being out of his life isn't a threat to him, but a very plausible option. How does that make you feel, and why would you try granting him another wish, when he's doing nothing to help you?

I'm really, really not trying to make you feel worse about this. I come from a family whose mother had to make the decision to leave our father and raise six of us kids on her own, get her education while working, etc. So I hate seeing a woman in a desperate situation. My hope would be for you to take charge of the situation and your life, for the sake of your kids and your own sanity. He's made it clear where you stand in his eyes, and he needs to fix it, fast.

[eleena2014]

Sorry had to join in but not sure how to put this without it upsetting you but if that was me I would leave.i have never heard of any man willing to loose his family if he doesn't get another girl. It is so selfish. How old are your boys? They will pick up on the fact that there dad doesn't like doing things with them and favours there sister and you may have problems when they're older.you can not be expected to abort an innocent baby who didn't ask to be brought into this world. Personally it would kill me to see my df favour one of my kids more than the other.each child deserves to be loved individually no matter what.we can only give you advise but I don't think having another is an option. I also think he needs space to figure out what he really wants and why he can't bond with your son's properly.you say your going through depression right now, that's not going to change if you have another regardless of what gender the baby would be.how can you be happy knowing a man who is meant to love and adore you would be so cruel to give you the options he has given you. Hugs to you and I hope you make the right decision

[needmorepink]

He did admit he may be a little bi and doesn't want anymore boys mainly because of the risk of them being sick. I have to admit I am with him on this one I wouldn't be able to handle another boy that is sick either. I would would probably consider one of those options. I would like to have any healthy baby boy or girl though. I just know if it was to be another boy there would be a slim chance of it being healthy. That is my fault, because I am the carrier of the genetic disorder. It looks like it may be to late. I only been on the diet for 5 going on 6 weeks and I am late for my period. I miscarried this past month and they said it should of returned 4-6 weeks afterwards. So if I do end up being pregnant who knows how far along I am and how long I would of been on diet. I know it defiantly wasn't long enough. Just got to hope for the best at this point. If I am not preg I defiantly wanna go high tech. He is happy with the promise of one more. I would like to have just as many as he does, but I just dont want to keep putting myself through whatever needs to be done to get a healthy child. He agrees. So we are happy and content if we can add just one more. I'm still so tired from the week away and can't think straight. If I take a test and it comes back positive I am gonna be skeptical if I am preg again or just hormones lingering from this past miscarriage. I was testing after I lost it and they were coming back positive, but about 2 1/2 weeks it seemed to be negative, but sometimes it wouldn't turn positive till well after the 10 mins and the last test that I thought was negative afterwards I threw out after 5 mins. Guess I have to push myself to go to the store and buy a few and find out once and for all and it is comes back positive take one every week and see if it gets darker indicating a new pregnancy. Than hope for the best.

[Claire33]

I can understand that you don't want any more boys that are sick. I assume there is a 50% chance of a boy having the disease and that it is X-chromosome related? I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your get pregnant with a girl or a healthy boy. Big hugs!

[needmorepink]

Very light positives last 3 days that are not getting any darker. I am so disgusted. I didn't even get my first period since this past miscarriage. I just know it is a boy. I feel this past miscarriage was our girl. I do not feel positive with this one at all. I don't know if I should wait it out and hope it is a girl, or just terminate and go with the original plan of going to the doctor. I just feel so strongly this has to be a boy. How can I get so lucky to get a girl when who knows how long I was on the diet for before I even got pregnant? I have no idea when I even conceived. I didn't get a period between my miscarriage and now. I started the diet as I was miscarrying which was only 5 going on 6 weeks. Got faint test the 31st, 1st and today. He released everyday we didn't bd. Bd protected every time except when I thought I wasn't fertile by cervical positional and cm. I don't know what to think. If it was a girl my tests shouldn't be faint since girls have higher hcg levels. I am extremely tired like with the boys.