grandparent favoritism

[lindi]

Any advice about this? Its between cousins, not siblings, so a little more tricky. Basically DH's brother was favored growing up in very obvious ways, and now that translated to his son, DS's cousin. We are sick of DS not getting the same attention as cousin. DH is very sensitive to it, it kills him and I am worried about how it may affect DS once he started catching on as he gets older. Talking to the grandparents is not possible. It was tried by other siblings before us and met with adamant denial and refusal to even talk about it.

[nuthinbutpink]

Can you not say something to your DH's sister in law if it is that obvious and perhaps she can speak with the grandparents. I would think it would make her uncomfortable as well.

[shouldihope?]

We have that situation. DH mom prefers DS 2. It is obvious to everyone. We have talked to her about it and nothing changed. We eventually drasticly limited our time with, for other issues as well, but that was part of it. It was painful to watch her not even acknowledge our quiet shy oldest DS. Brought tears to my eyes and he was starting to ask. Unless it is a large family event (lots of distraction and other peoople) or a restaurant where we can limit our time we decline.

[lindi]

DH's sister in law has her own gripes with them which are, ironically, that they want to spend too much time with her son. However, she is wonderful, but the type of mom who needs a lot of time to herself, and so her son ends up at their house a LOT so she can have personal time... she doesn't see how she complains about how possessive they are of her son and how in fact she NEEDS them to spend a lot of time with him so she can maintain her sanity. I don't begrudge her spending little time with her son- she works full time and is genuinely someone who I think would not be a good parent if she devoted her nights and weekends to her kids. But I find it weird that she complains about how much they want to see him and what they do with him when he's with them and she doesn't see how she asks for it! So talking with her about the favoritism she would probably complain about it too but not want to do anything about it.
DH and I are contemplating seriously reducing to zero any time that DS spends with cousin, since cousin is starting to treat DS badly and DS, who is 2 1/2, and just IDOLIZES his older cousin, has started to say things that break my heart about how much he loves his cousin so much, but how his cousin is mean to him. I try to step in and stand up for DS but I am uncomfortable telling nephew how to bahve since he's not my kid so the best I can do is remove DS and tell DS things like "that wasn't OK for cousin to push you so I'm taking you somewhere safe" etc.
But its awful because any alone time DS has with grandparents sometimes they'll find a way to include cousin and I'm not around to stick up for DS.

[Hobbermittens]

My grandmother did this to my cousin. She didn't have a good relationship with my aunt, but my dad was her favorite; so she favored me and my siblings over my aunt's daughter. I remember her taking us aside and telling us that our cousin was a "bad seed", and being too young to really understand what my grandma meant by that. As it turned out, my cousin WAS a bad seed--she is now a drug addict, has a criminal record, abandoned her child, etc. Still, I think it was unfair of my grandmother to play favorites. It must have hurt my cousin a lot as a child.

My FIL favors my son, and to some degree, the baby. My oldest gets very little attention from him, and it really makes me angry. My DH hates it too, but he hasn't ever spoken to his father about it. At some point, I think the kids will notice, and it really bothers me.

[jude17]

We have had this problem in our family as well. My DH father very obviously favours his daughters son. It really hurt me when he would come over and all he would go on about was how great B****** was right in front of our older son. He is a nice man so there wasn't any mean intentions but it really annoyed me that he was so obvious about liking this other boy so much. This other boy is a very difficult child, his mother admits it freely. He was a shock to the system after their daughter who is a really easy child. I think her boy and DH father are very similar so he automatically just liked him so much. Once we were at this grandsons birthday party and he picked up a handful of gravel twice and through it straight into our little boys face (I think my boy was around 2 at the time). Our son cried and got gravel all through his eye. My husband told his nephew off and he responded by telling my DH to F*** OFF. When my son came running inside to me DH mum told me he needed to stop being a cry baby and harden up, but nothing was said to the other grandson when my husband told them what he said to him or what he had done to our son. I was so mad that it was put back onto my son and we were told he was cry baby. That nearly made me stop all contact with them. But there is really no way we could get away from them as we all live in the same town. So we just limited the time we spent with them and never let our son go without one of us to DH sisters house.

We now have another boy and I was really worried about having another second class boy but it all seems to have settle down now that the favoured grandson is getting older. This grandson can also be quite mean to other kids and it breaks my heart when the grandparents take our older son to his house and our son comes come saying that B***** was hitting him. It has made us really limited the time that we spend with DH sister and her kids and we would never let the grandparents take our son to DH sisters house without us when he was younger. Man it really annoys me when people play favourites I just don't understand this at all?

[lindi]

I think that grandparents do connect better with some grandchildren, but they really need to understand its not good for the favored one or the unfavored. I am so lost about what to do.

[atomic sagebrush]

DH's sister in law has her own gripes with them which are, ironically, that they want to spend too much time with her son. However, she is wonderful, but the type of mom who needs a lot of time to herself, and so her son ends up at their house a LOT so she can have personal time... she doesn't see how she complains about how possessive they are of her son and how in fact she NEEDS them to spend a lot of time with him so she can maintain her sanity. I don't begrudge her spending little time with her son- she works full time and is genuinely someone who I think would not be a good parent if she devoted her nights and weekends to her kids. But I find it weird that she complains about how much they want to see him and what they do with him when he's with them and she doesn't see how she asks for it! So talking with her about the favoritism she would probably complain about it too but not want to do anything about it.
DH and I are contemplating seriously reducing to zero any time that DS spends with cousin, since cousin is starting to treat DS badly and DS, who is 2 1/2, and just IDOLIZES his older cousin, has started to say things that break my heart about how much he loves his cousin so much, but how his cousin is mean to him. I try to step in and stand up for DS but I am uncomfortable telling nephew how to bahve since he's not my kid so the best I can do is remove DS and tell DS things like "that wasn't OK for cousin to push you so I'm taking you somewhere safe" etc.
But its awful because any alone time DS has with grandparents sometimes they'll find a way to include cousin and I'm not around to stick up for DS.

I have nothing to add regarding the grandparent favortism because we have the same issue in our family too (even amongst just MY kids, which is a whole nother level of awkward.) But I did want to mention that older kids being "mean" to younger kids is really super common and they do tend to work it out over time. My experience has been that intervening too much (barring any physical confrontation, of course) kinda aggravates it. Firstly because it makes it seem to both kids like, "the adults are getting involved, this must be a big deal" which feeds your cousin's sense of power and also your son's sense that his cousin is doing him wrong and encourages him to play up being a victim. And secondly because it takes away the opportunity for both kids to work it out between themselves. By keeping them apart or constantly intervening, you prevent your nephew from practicing empathy and also your son from learning to stick up for himself, both of which are pretty valuable life lessons.

I hope that doesn't offend you, believe me, I never could have stood by without intervening with my DS 1 either, I'm just sharing my personal experience from raising my first set of boys - the less I intervened, the better they got along!!

[shouldihope?]

I think AS may be on to something. My older 2 tend to get into a victim/ perpetrator pattern if we get involved too much. Sometimes you have to get involved obviously other times I tell them to work it out. I have never tried it in non-sibling situations.

[lindi]

Atomic you make a good point. However, cousin is 3 years older than DS (5 vs. 2) so when he pushes him (which he does a lot) it can be a safety issue, and my hunch is that it's best for my son to know I won't put him in an unsafe situation. If they were closer in age, or even both older, I am all for letting them work it out.
I think cousin thinks its OK to boss around DS (I know this happens all the time with older kids to younger kids)...but thinks it's OK because cousin and DH's stepdad kind of gang up on DS together. Not to sound annoying (but who doesn't think their kid is so amazing?) but DS is, and is often noted by friends, other relatives, to be an incredibly unique child- his verbal skills are incredibly advanced and he is very talkative and curious and retains ALOT of information so it can be very amusing/amazing to be having a conversation about pretty complex ideas with him. He is also super outgoing, so it's not hard for him to seem like an impressive kid pretty fast to people, and I think in a way cousin and grandparents know this, (they talk about it a lot) and like to sort of "knock him down" whenever they can. DH's sister also pointed out she thinks they like to knock him down too, because he is different. Ugh. It breaks my heart.
I know I sound like some annoying "my kid is so great and they can't appreciate it!" but I honestly think he is different in some pretty clear ways and this contributes to how they feel it's OK to belittle him when they can and how they probably think it's not harmful to him, because mentally he seems much older than he is.
I never had a close relationship with grandparents, and I was really looking forward to DS having this, but I'm not sure the benefit outweighs the potential stress of being knocked down- literally and figuratively- all the time!

[fresas]

I come from a family where it is very obvious who are the favorite grandchildren AND children. Both sets of my grandparents did not hide who were favorites and my parents did not do a good job of hiding their favorites. My parents are even worse with my two sons.

I think it is good to let kids work things out on their own sometimes. But I don't think it is ever good to encourage kids to hit it out and have a "boys will be boys" attitude with confrontation. My brothers were extremely physically violent towards each other and towards me. My parents encouraged it. They also encourage it with my sons which is COMPLETELY unacceptable to me. However, my parents have no respect for my rules for my kids and whenever we discuss this, it turns into drama and I am the bad guy.

My parents respect my husband more than me so he has talked to them a few times, but they haven't changed. I have limited my contact with my parents, but cannot cut them out completely because we need depend on them for child care once a week. We have disallowed them to come over early, though. For example, if I start my night shift at 10 pm, I do not allow my mother to come earlier than 8pm. This makes her angry, but she does not connect (or possibly does not want to connect) the conversations we have had about how my husband and I want to handle our kids behavior and playing favorites with them when we aren't there, even though we have explicitly explained why we want things this way.

But things are very tense with them and it is pretty unpleasant. They have no issue with having a favorite, praising him more than the other grandson in front of the other grandson, and then allowing conflict to go to extreme levels.

I hope that you and your husband can work something out with your family that will help. I have found in my case though, that because my parents don't want to change and see nothing wrong with their behavior, they will most likely never change no matter how much I beg. I hope your family is more reasonable. :(

[XXdreaming]

I don't know how to fix it, my mil is for gd reason, she has all boys, one son gave her more boys(me) and then one of her other sons gave her all girls, so she got her desired gender in her granddaughters and its very obvious to the entire family who she spends most her time with, who she buys the most for, and which one she always says yes too and no to my boys all the time, the oldest is old enough to see, he was upset at first but now its like its always been that way since birth for him so sadly to say he is used to it, and then the other grandparents favor one cousin and does everything with and nothing with my boys, I think that's the one that really hurts my boys and they still aren't over it, but talking to both doesn't seem to help at all, it just hurts their feelings and they get mad because they don't see they are favortism anybody

[LolaInLove]

Here's my take on grandparents in general: they come from a different time that we do. Growing up when they did, no one cared about how you would psychologically affect your children. That generation, and likely the ones before it, were callous parents. They grew up during depression and war, and their objective was to feed their kids, not nourish their souls. Now, I think OUR parents (the baby boomers, more or less), who were the kids of said callous generation, changed a good bit in their parental temperments, but OUR generation definitely has. I, personally, think this has had both positive and negative effects on society. Negative being the laid back pandering parents who don't push their kids at all and they end up being 35 and living at home playing video games still. The positive, of course, being that our children are protected from a lot of unnecessary injustices and also are overall more intelligent people as they have "emotional" skills thanks to us.

All this to say, I think a lot of g'parents dont' find anything wrong with playing favorites, wheres we, of course, would never dream of doing such a thing to any child, let alone our child.

My advice is to be vocal about it and say what you mean to say to them. I would never want to start a family war if I had to deal with this, but I would certainly (at some point) say something along the lines of "You know what, I don't really like the way you treat my son compared to his cousin. I don't think it's good for his development and psyche, and I now need to decide how much time I want him spending around you because of this. I'm sorry, but it's my job to raise and protect my child, and this is something I can't ignore any more." I don't know if that helps you, Lindi, and maybe you've said you peace already to no avail.....I just have to call a spade a spade when I'm dealing with people and it involves my children. Family is supposed to be the ones to nourish and lift each other up, and when people can't get their shit together and treat their family right, you have every right to say something both diplomatic and to the point.

Sorry for the long tirade, obviously I have some crazy g'parents also, but just my opinion about dealing with them. I know old people are hard to talk to about certain things, but maybe just say what you gotta say and see what happens. I have found in life as I get older that if I lay down the law about how people are to treat me or my kids, it usually happens...and not because I am some force to be reckoned with or anything, but because I simply said it.

[fresas]

It is definitely a good tirade. There is a balance between how some of us were raised and the over-doting parenting method, I think.

LolaInLove, I like your speech to the grandparents. It is very precise, but not rude.

[HopingWishingPraying]

No advice, just hugs. It is really, really hard to see your precious little one not being treated the way they should, especially by those who are meant to love and cherish them.

[lindi]

Thanks ladies... I have thought so many times of just coming out and SAYING things similar to what you suggest, Lola. DH already had pretty much, in a softer way, and he was met with complete denial. His mother just denies things. I often thought if I spoke up too, they might take it seriously, esp. since their other daughter did too...but I'm not sure I want to cut them off or anything and before creating more tension (I am not good at confrontations) I better think what is really going to come of it, and I am pretty sure the answer is nothing.
DH caught grandpa telling DS he could not play with a toy at their house because it was cousin's. It wasn't, it was something grandpa bought to keep at his house, and nothing that could have gotten broken, and cousin was not there so it was total BS. Ugh. When DH stepped in and said "no, you can play with it", then grandpa felt stupid I guess and let him play with it. But seriously, it's so dumb!

[LolaInLove]

I hear you Lindi....I am not great at confrontation either, but I will do it if prompted by a situation that has gone on too long. I think maybe the best thing you guys can do is just what your DH did regarding the toy....stand by and stick up for him when needed. Hopefully grandparents will learn that you won't take that kind of crap regarding your son, and your son will learn that you are sticking up for him. All good things hopefully!

[atomic sagebrush]

lindi, I do totally understand the dynamics (my older son was 3 1/2 years older than my second son.) In my (limited) experience, getting knocked down now and then (literally and figuratively) doesn't do any lasting damage and may even be of some benefit.

Just take what I said and put it in your back pocket and think about it and if it's full of crap, ignore it. :)

[purplepoet20]

Maybe you should keep your kids away for awhile or if you are really tired of your kids being treated the way they are... teach your oldest to ask grandma "why she loves ____ more then him, did he do something wrong". My cousin has 2 girls and treats the oldest like she isn't hers, so I told her what to say to her mom... in the last 6mths their relationship has improved a lot. Mean but it worked.

No matter what you do your kids will only be upset with grandma and the cousin. Your son will always know who loves him and that is what will make him the best man when he grows up.

[atomic sagebrush]

Thanks ladies... I have thought so many times of just coming out and SAYING things similar to what you suggest, Lola. DH already had pretty much, in a softer way, and he was met with complete denial. His mother just denies things. I often thought if I spoke up too, they might take it seriously, esp. since their other daughter did too...but I'm not sure I want to cut them off or anything and before creating more tension (I am not good at confrontations) I better think what is really going to come of it, and I am pretty sure the answer is nothing.
DH caught grandpa telling DS he could not play with a toy at their house because it was cousin's. It wasn't, it was something grandpa bought to keep at his house, and nothing that could have gotten broken, and cousin was not there so it was total BS. Ugh. When DH stepped in and said "no, you can play with it", then grandpa felt stupid I guess and let him play with it. But seriously, it's so dumb!

It is dumb, of course it's dumb. The whole thing is dumb. But it IS Grandpa's toy, right??? I mean, Grandpa bought the toy and so doesn't he really get to decide who plays with it and who doesn't, even if his criteria is totally flawed?? I just think it sends a message that in the long term, you ~might~ not want to be sending to a child, that whenever someone who is in a position of authority, says your son can't do something, that dad is going to step in and "undo" that because the rules don't apply to him. Does that make any kind of sense?? Teachers, bosses, even the police "inflict" rules that are at times unfair and arbitrary and are based on nothing other than stupidity and yet we all have to follow the rules, even when we don't like them.

ALL of us came from families with all level of weirdness going on and politics and playing favorites and we all got our bumps and bruises from it, KWIM?? It just seems like there is a way to express the idea that yeah, what happened there wasn't fair and that sucked but we completely trust that you are talented enough to handle that situation and sometimes things just go that way and you gotta roll with the punches, as opposed to instilling an expectation that a child needs Mom and Dad to fight battles for him, because he never learns either the ability to fight battles for himself OR the ability to deal with it when a battle simply shouldn't be pursued. And in a lot of cases, the exceptional kids are the ones who need that lesson the most.

I'm sorry if I come off wrong here, I am just trying to save some other people some woe that I've had to go through the HARD way!! :/

[lindi]

It is dumb, of course it's dumb. The whole thing is dumb. But it IS Grandpa's toy, right??? I mean, Grandpa bought the toy and so doesn't he really get to decide who plays with it and who doesn't, even if his criteria is totally flawed?? I just think it sends a message that in the long term, you ~might~ not want to be sending to a child, that whenever someone who is in a position of authority, says your son can't do something, that dad is going to step in and "undo" that because the rules don't apply to him. Does that make any kind of sense?? Teachers, bosses, even the police "inflict" rules that are at times unfair and arbitrary and are based on nothing other than stupidity and yet we all have to follow the rules, even when we don't like them.

ALL of us came from families with all level of weirdness going on and politics and playing favorites and we all got our bumps and bruises from it, KWIM?? It just seems like there is a way to express the idea that yeah, what happened there wasn't fair and that sucked but we completely trust that you are talented enough to handle that situation and sometimes things just go that way and you gotta roll with the punches, as opposed to instilling an expectation that a child needs Mom and Dad to fight battles for him, because he never learns either the ability to fight battles for himself OR the ability to deal with it when a battle simply shouldn't be pursued. And in a lot of cases, the exceptional kids are the ones who need that lesson the most.

I'm sorry if I come off wrong here, I am just trying to save some other people some woe that I've had to go through the HARD way!! :/

I totally hear you, Atomic. I had pretty good parents who really let me and my older brother "work" things out when we had squabbles... and my mother told me recently that because I was tall for my age and considered pretty far head in terms of academic kind of smarts, she saw me and my brother more as equals. I was really picked on by my brother who didn't like me (very common), but because I did, as a kid, have a lot going for me that my brother didn't have my parents really never stepped in and figured out a way to have my brother treat me better. It just got worse and worse, and the dynamics of being the younger one, who just idolizes the older one while the older one hates you, eventually becomes very painful and I really got angry at my parents as a child for not seeing how I was treated by him- but that anger fizzled out when nothing ever changed and when they seemed to just ignore it and even become accomplices (chuckling at the demeaning nicknames he gave me if they were funny), or telling me it my fault (my dad said "pulling his chain") when he would be verbally abusive towards me- and my recollection, my point of view as the younger one was just that I wanted to play with him, and have him include me. After lots of therapy..($$!)...realized this was a cornerstone of picking men who treated me VERY badly (until DH of course). I thought it was normal an accepted that I was given demeaning nicknames, ignored in pretty profound ways, made fun of for the "strange" things about me...(like what I see in DS)...and this was a pattern I would repeat because nobody stepped in and said it wasn't OK.
So I struggle with balancing that reality with the wisdom I also *understand* of letting children build their own strength and learn social skills, through having to face all the different kinds of people and situations they will meet. I practice this ALL the time on the playground much to other parents' annoyance when I don't insist on "sharing" and meddlign with every little scuffle. I am sure people look at me like I don't care or something, but I am a big believer in kids learning through figuring it out for themselves.
I just feel, deep down that whatever benefit I got from being treated so poorly as a kid- and I know there is one- but that benefit didn't outweigh the major ramifications of how I repeated that behavior in my own life as a young adult. It was just so normal to me to be belittled and ignored that I couldn't even see there was a problem in several relationships...
ugh. complex.

[atomic sagebrush]

It is complex!!! I wish parenting was easier.

My experience was that I had a very tough childhood and suffered a lot but I DID grow up extremely strong in many ways because of that. Then I tried to protect my kids and right all the wrongs for them only to have that all blow up in my face too and end up with teenagers who had a whole different set of issues and yet despite being very coddled, were STILL unhappy and blaming Mom and Dad for everything that ever went wrong in their universes - though we have worked it out now mostly, at least with my older son, still working on my second.

Just looking for the happy medium between throwing a kid into the deep end of a pool full of sharks without swimming lessons and wrapping em in cotton wool and setting them on the mantelpiece!! Again, I did not mean any offense, sometimes it's helpful to hear another perspective and sometimes, it's NOT. :)

[LolaInLove]

A happy medium is an excellent way to put it, Atomic. Personally, I just hate when family is difficult. The world full of strangers (the teachers, bosses, policeman, etc) are gonna make life tough enough. Why can't grandpa just share the f'ing toy??? But that's just my opinion. That's why I tell my kids that we are to love and support family. I hope you are doing ok with all of this, Lindi!

[Glittergirl]

Atomic I agree with you in many ways....I used to step in when DS1 andDS2 would fight--they are 3 years apart and I would always take DS2 side cause he was a baby and DS1 was much bigger and "should know better" well, DS2 started playing victim. I would catch him being the perpetrator yet he would cry and play victim (for instance he would hit DS1 r walk by and break his legos, then when DS1 would hit him back-- DS2 would cry and be victim...even though he started it!) I have learned to step back now. They never are too physical just enough to annoy each other then they are best friends. Another example--I coddled DS1 a lot....first born etc etc. I remember he was like 3 and we would play games and of course I would always let him win and tell him how smart he was. My dad would always tell me "let him lose, he needs to know he can't be perfect and life is not fair" the first time he began losing, his world turned upside down! He cried and would give up and just get upset that he didn't win! I quickly learned to let him lose and show all 3 boys now that life is not fair...your brother may get compliments for being a great artist or getting an A on his math test, but that doesn't take away from who you are. I tell them just cause one of you gets praised for something doesn't take aways anything from the other...never compare yourselves or your worth with others.

[lindi]

It's really hard... I read in a blog I like and follow that the most important relationship is the one you build with your kids. Period. All decisions stem from that. I have thought about it, and I realize no matter what I am going to be blamed for doing something wrong as a mother, coddle too much, ignore too much...I do see value in just letting DS get sh*t on a little bit, and maybe I'm the one who it hurts the most. Maybe DS is caught as an instrument if my own anger about my own childhood... I look at DH, who was also treated badly by grandpa, ANC he has turned out amazing. The most kind, thoughtful human I think I have ever met. He wasn't ruined by it. It's just so painful for us both to watch.
Thank you all so much for talking this thru!

[gossie]

I would recommend the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" to you, lindi, and anyone else who is dealing with similar family stuff. I found that it applied to so much more than just siblings, and found it a very enlightening read that contained lots of food for thought on many things touched upon in this thread - the way our own experience growing up shapes the way we parent, how sibling (and cousin) relationships have a huge impact on us, and when and how we should (or shouldn't, mostly) intervene.

[lindi]

Gossie- ordering that book. Thanks!