I wish I could just stay happy...

[lemonade]

I am very happy with my boys. I think it's special to be a boy mom. I used to think I only wanted girls (for some reason I thought I'd have 3 daughters from an early age) but I'm starting to really love just having my cute guys. I was even okay with the idea of a third boy, which is a huge step for me.

My sister, though, is getting married to a guy who comes from a family of 4 sisters, and who already has 2 nephews himself. There is no doubt, with those odds, that she will have the first girl soon. The princess of the family. My own dad didn't want boys, he wanted girls, and got them. If my sister has the girl, I worry the girl might be the automatic favorite. Unfortunately my sister has even said to me, a boy mom, that she hopes she has girls. Ouch. As if I needed that!

I dread this so much.

I want a third kid, and always wanted 3 kids. If I was in a bubble, a third boy would be wonderful. I love my sweet boys. But that feeling of pressure to have just ONE girl is mounting again, even though I don't want another baby for a few years. Really.

Ideally I'd just chill out and keep trying until I get one daughter, but sadly our house as it is now is barely big enough for us now. Sigh.

[Faithinpink]

Hi Lemonade, im sorta in the same boat , we have 6 boys on my side and my only sister has 2 girls. I suffered GD (silently)with my third boy as me and my sister were pregnant at the same time and she had the first girl .. Then i went on to have another and it was another boy. I also went through GD then too when i found out at my 20wk scan �� as my sister was also pregnant again at the same time and she had yet another girl.
But when i saw him it all went away...even though i felt pressure i suppose you could say bcos my sister always said to me ur Boy mum that's all u can have . I have 4 sons and im going to sway this time fingers crossed GIRL... I would still be happy if baby is a boy , but i know more now to try and help get my girl thanks to genderdreaming ..
Boys are sweet , ppl say to me ur nuts boys are easier than girls lol..
Try and stay happy at the end of the day the lord knows best
Hugs xx

[atomic sagebrush]

Just because her husband comes from a family of sisters that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't run in the family that way.

I do totally understand, I also really loved being a boy mom to my first two especially. It's a very very special relationship. You're just getting into the fun stuff now because they're getting out of the difficult phase.

I obviously can't tell you what to do but I will point out that a lot of the gals I got to know when I was suffering GD with my 3rd son, decided not to have more kids. They stuck with 2 or 3 boys and things got better. It wasn't as painful once they truly made up their minds to move on, like any dream it grows less "sharp" over time, and they look like they're having the time of their lives. their sons are getting older, they're out and about doing fun stuff and posting pictures of margaritas on cruises with their husbands, on Facebook, and I have no money and no time and I'd LOVE a vacation LOL. It's more than just the gender stuff, it's the life stuff that can be affected. They miss out on some daughter stuff, true, but at the same time, I have a daughter and I"m missing out on OTHER stuff. There's no right answer where we get to have everything that we want in this life anyway, and just know that even those of us who get what we want...it's not a magic panacea that fixes everything. :/ Wishing you the best of luck in this decision.

[oceancitymom]

Great post, Atomic. I do often feel that if I can just have a daughter I will be the happiest woman on Earth and I will never want for anything again. But if I'm honest with myself, I have always been a "wanting more" kind of person. I remember thinking years ago if we could just make x dollars a year life would be perfect. Well now we make a lot more than x and I have another number in my mind that would make me feel truly relaxed and happy. I remember when I wanted a second baby and had trouble convincing DH, I told him if he gave in, "I will be the happiest woman in the world!" And when he did, I was! And I promised him I didn't care about gender, and I thought that was true. But of course, when the second baby was about 6 months old I began obsessing over another and it being a girl. Now my prayers at night include asking God to give me a daughter or please take away my desire for one. And to help me recognize and feel happiness about the good life and family I already have. Easy to say, not always easy to do.

[atomic sagebrush]

I think it is some kind of "trick" of survival to make us think that way. I really do. If you think about it, back in our caveman days, she who was easily satisfied probably was willing to rest on her laurels and be happy with a bin full of lentils and a bin full of wheat and a goat in the backyard. But then some of us were like, "hmm I wonder what would happen if I had 2 bins of lentils and a sheep too, and maybe a few extra bolts of linen in the attic, and why can't my husband dig a well like the neighbors have" and when times were hard, it was the "greedy" (for lack of a better term) who survived while those people who were happy with what they had, maybe they never quite aspired as hard as the rest of us, if that makes sense.

This just starts to get very complicated in our modern world with limitless choices and much more ability to compare our sitch to lots of other people. To some extent it's like our lizard brains get overwhelmed when the choices aren't between bins of lentils and sheep and are pretty much infinite - there's always more, more, more to be had.

I'm very happy to have my daughter and she does fulfill part of that but it hasn't made me any happier than I was when I only had 2 boys, that's for sure. In many ways I was happier then, than I am now because I don't have the time, money, and energy to enjoy my 2 littler guys and my daughter. Plus there are lots of other things I have missed out on because of this quest that has absorbed me the last 8 years - things that I now feel highly driven and motivated to "catch up on" so it's really quite ironic, I have my daughter and yet sometimes, like all of us are, I"m like OMG will these kids just leave me the heck alone and let me do x,y,z that I want to do for my own personal fulfillment? I mean if I hadn't wanted to have more kids, I"d have all the time in the world for that, you know???

I don't really know what I'm saying here, just that it's always something, and when you achieve even the most strongly held personal goals, it's no panacea and there is always another mountain to climb - so don't get so overly focused on ONE mountain that you lose sight of all the other ones that you could be climbing, that may be just as fulfilling in a different way. None of us ever gets everything we want in this life.

[XXforhubby]

I think it is some kind of "trick" of survival to make us think that way. I really do. If you think about it, back in our caveman days, she who was easily satisfied probably was willing to rest on her laurels and be happy with a bin full of lentils and a bin full of wheat and a goat in the backyard. But then some of us were like, "hmm I wonder what would happen if I had 2 bins of lentils and a sheep too, and maybe a few extra bolts of linen in the attic, and why can't my husband dig a well like the neighbors have" and when times were hard, it was the "greedy" (for lack of a better term) who survived while those people who were happy with what they had, maybe they never quite aspired as hard as the rest of us, if that makes sense.

This just starts to get very complicated in our modern world with limitless choices and much more ability to compare our sitch to lots of other people. To some extent it's like our lizard brains get overwhelmed when the choices aren't between bins of lentils and sheep and are pretty much infinite - there's always more, more, more to be had.

I'm very happy to have my daughter and she does fulfill part of that but it hasn't made me any happier than I was when I only had 2 boys, that's for sure. In many ways I was happier then, than I am now because I don't have the time, money, and energy to enjoy my 2 littler guys and my daughter. Plus there are lots of other things I have missed out on because of this quest that has absorbed me the last 8 years - things that I now feel highly driven and motivated to "catch up on" so it's really quite ironic, I have my daughter and yet sometimes, like all of us are, I"m like OMG will these kids just leave me the heck alone and let me do x,y,z that I want to do for my own personal fulfillment? I mean if I hadn't wanted to have more kids, I"d have all the time in the world for that, you know???

I don't really know what I'm saying here, just that it's always something, and when you achieve even the most strongly held personal goals, it's no panacea and there is always another mountain to climb - so don't get so overly focused on ONE mountain that you lose sight of all the other ones that you could be climbing, that may be just as fulfilling in a different way. None of us ever gets everything we want in this life.

This has really hit home to me. I would like to have a 4th child, but I also want to enjoy them too. I feel that if we have a 4th child, it will only delay being able to do the things we want to do as a family. Plus, we may not be able to do some things because of the cost (some things are more expensive with 4 kids). At the same time, I also don't want to have any regrets by not having a 4th child.

I know I'm talking in circles here, but I'm torn. I have a desire for another child, yet I also want to be able to do things with them that I fear we won't be able to do with a 4th child. My DH and I go back and forth. I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future to know what I chose to settle my mind now [emoji6]! If it only worked that way [emoji38]!


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], DS3[emoji170][emoji577][emoji843][emoji602][emoji170]

[atomic sagebrush]

:agree: just to clarify, it does fill a void, I'm overjoyed to have her, but it was like I was focused overly on ONE void (the Suzy shaped one) that I was ignoring all the OTHER voids which now I am paying a lot more mind to. I just think that a lot of us do that and we kind of forget that there is more to life than all this.

I have a friend who I know from this journey who had 2 boys, extremely bad GD, and then got a girl and I was shocked at how unhappy she seemed to be with it all. Still sits with her butt on FB all day playing Candy Crush Saga, bitching about how the girl won't sleep, so and so is sick, kids are so noisy, messy, etcetcetc all these things she wants to buy (for herself, not the kids) and it's like, she just doesn't even seem to like being a mother. She got the girl and still seems miserable. Now I personally DO like being a mother a lot, but not every minute of every day, LOL. Sometimes I am like, OK I just want to watch Jessica Jones for 3 seconds and pee by myself. :p Would I trade that for my daughter of course not, but in the moment it isn't this pinkglittersparklefestival 24-7 either.

It makes me wonder if sometimes we may be mistaking "motherhood dissatisfaction" for gender disappointment and maybe the cure isn't ALWAYS getting a DD, it may be deciding, ok this part of my life is not doing it for me, it's not living up to the hype, maybe I need to focus on these other goals which are also important to me that may actually be more fulfilling than I realize. Because at the end of the day, while girls are different from boys in some ways, the differences are really kinda puny, girls still take a lot of hard work, need a lot of time and attention, and so on, there are sacrifices to be made and being a mom isn't always EVERYthing, we may actually find a lot of happiness and satisfaction in other arenas if we can quit focusing on that one missing piece and look at the other missing pieces. :) FWIW

[XXforhubby]

I'm getting there. Today I had a good talk with my DH (today is our 12th wedding anniversary). I want a 4th child as much as I am looking forward to doing fun things with the boys. While we certainly can still do those things with a 4th child, some things will be taken off of the table due to the cost or not being able to do some things at all.

I think I have such a strong desire to be a mother that maybe I need to focus on mothering the children I already have. I love having a baby and raising children, but I don't want to miss some things my DS1 will be going through because I'm nursing and caring for a little one and don't have as much time for him, yk? We are finally super close (I swear he was born joined at the hip with my DH [emoji57]), and I would like to keep building on that. I know I could with a 4th child, but at some point all of my kids have to take a back seat when caring for such a small baby.

Right now I'm leaning toward being done. Let's see how I feel when I have to make a decision to keep DS3's clothes or begin to give them away [emoji6].


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], DS3[emoji170][emoji577][emoji843][emoji602][emoji170]

[maidentomother]

SUPERB posts atomic, especially your 2nd one regarding the evolutionary roots of dissatisfaction. I couldn't agree more. I also agree GD can be a mask for women who just aren't very maternal. Furthermore, there are an unfortunately large percentage of people/parents who seem to want/have children for poor reasons, and view children as objects, accomplishments, and/or doll-like mini-mes whom they wish to live through vicariously. Or even just people who have kids bc it's the accepted social lifestyle, the thing to do bc everyone else does.

XX, I so strongly identify with your mothering instinct-wish-desire. It's always been what I've wanted and anticipated most, and what I enjoyed doing most from as early as I remember (I was always babysitting newborns through preteens due to my mother's courses which she taught at our home, and later for extra pocket money or friends' kids). I understand a bit of your internal struggle as I feel quite torn between wanting many children before I'm much older, so born close together but also wanting to have enough time between each child to be able to BF for longer and give them more individualized attention early on. I'd welcome any of your wisdom as an experienced mother with children fairly close in age. And anyone else who cares to chime in. Though I'm sure my perspective will change once I'm actually a mother.

[XXforhubby]

SUPERB posts atomic, especially your 2nd one regarding the evolutionary roots of dissatisfaction. I couldn't agree more. I also agree GD can be a mask for women who just aren't very maternal. Furthermore, there are an unfortunately large percentage of people/parents who seem to want/have children for poor reasons, and view children as objects, accomplishments, and/or doll-like mini-mes whom they wish to live through vicariously. Or even just people who have kids bc it's the accepted social lifestyle, the thing to do bc everyone else does.

XX, I so strongly identify with your mothering instinct-wish-desire. It's always been what I've wanted and anticipated most, and what I enjoyed doing most from as early as I remember (I was always babysitting newborns through preteens due to my mother's courses which she taught at our home, and later for extra pocket money or friends' kids). I understand a bit of your internal struggle as I feel quite torn between wanting many children before I'm much older, so born close together but also wanting to have enough time between each child to be able to BF for longer and give them more individualized attention early on. I'd welcome any of your wisdom as an experienced mother with children fairly close in age. And anyone else who cares to chime in. Though I'm sure my perspective will change once I'm actually a mother.

My DS1 and DS2 are 2yrs 9mo apart and DS2 and DS3 are 2yrs 6mo apart. This is what I consider to be great spacing. My boys are very close! I was able to nurse them both until they weaned on their own at 20mo. I was hoping for slightly closer spacing this last time, but we know how that worked out [emoji6]!

Ideally 16-18mo would be my preference , especially if you want more children and had a later start. I wouldn't want them to be any closer as I feel that would be too hard to juggle schedules- feeding and napping.

I'm Xing everything that you get your sticky BFP soon! Even if we don't go for #4, I'm still going to be around for you!


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], DS3[emoji170][emoji577][emoji843][emoji602][emoji170]

[Claire33]

Of course I am super happy with my daughter, but with every baby I do feel that I'm starting from scratch all over again, another 2-3 years before we can do fun things. In the mean while I feel that my oldest has had his entire childhood filled with us having babies, and I feel that he can never really start his proper childhood with fun trips and activities until he is actually a teenager. So I'm a bit sad about that. I really do sometimes wish I'd stopped at 2 or 3, life would be soooo much easier now. The thought of raising 4 kids is so daunting at the moment, I try not to think about it too much. It's such hard work and so much responsibility, and the smallest ones decide the pace and activity levels of the family. So I do look forward to being done with babies and get on with my life, and have a bit more freedom as a family.
I think all in all, I probably would have been equally happy with 3 boys, but now that I have a girl I at least won't have to wonder about what that's like anymore. But life is definitely hard work at the moment, and the girl is not the key to all happiness, my life is just much more hectic and I'm trying not to let the magnitude of it get me down.

[maidentomother]

I seriously LOLed at pinkglittersparklefest 24-7. Great band name! Or rave name, lol.

[XXforhubby]

I seriously LOLed at pinkglittersparklefest 24-7. Great band name! Or rave name, lol.

I did too! I agree- it would be a great rave name!!


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], DS3[emoji170][emoji577][emoji843][emoji602][emoji170]

[sweetdream]

I just wanna pitch in.
I agree with a lot.
It's hard work. And i'm so happy the what if i had a daughter is gone. I do feel that I would be just as happy with my sons.
I do think sometimes i'm sorry my eldest Son has to deal with baby's.
I think every situation had its down sides.
But i love them all to peaces wouldn't wanna miss it in the world. I am so happy that i can enjoy this fase one more time (would have loved it again but i think iTS done)
My sons would have had a different life. On the other hand i don't think they turn out bad because of it. They don't miss anything. They learn and experience other things. Even more sharing and compassion. They learn to deal with girls.
And they are just amazing big brothers.

About age difference. There is no right way. Positives and negatives. I've got it all.
Just try to enjoy whatever you do whenever you can.

I

[Beau82]

I feel the exact same way sometimes. I'm doing fine and thinking I'm ok with being an all boy mom, and then I see my husband interact with our niece and I fall apart inside. I do love that things are getting easier bit by bit but I've always had a wonderful relationship with my mom whereas my husband (as well as his brothers) has never been close to his mom. I know it means nothing but I worry sometimes that that will be my future. We always wanted 4 children so I feel like having one more won't make much of a difference but it's still a hard decision to make.
My sister-in-law is pregnant now and I find myself hoping that she'll have a boy because I don't want to deal with the jealousy I know I'll feel if she has a girl. I feel awful for admitting that because she's been trying for a year and only wants to make it through the entire pregnancy and get a healthy baby at the end.

[Throwaway_panther]

I think this is perhaps the most poignant, and helpful, thread I've seen on this forum. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, ladies. I found this post even after having a dream last night of having a boy immediately after my daughter and feeling such immense satisfaction. I woke up almost instantly depressed at, "But that was just a dream -- that might not end up being my reality, but do I really feel this yearning so strongly that my mind has to try and

But, then I also realize, I had a trigger to some old trauma the day before which had been solely responsible for my anxieties over having a daughter (and why I wanted a son so bad), so maybe it was just coping.

I wonder if, at the core, our GDs really are rooted in some sort of coping -- if only we'd get that, we'd feel happy or "complete," but in reality, aren't we responsible for getting that on our own?

This is why I see a therapist :lol:

[atomic sagebrush]

The question that I think it's valuable to ask is, if I HAD gotten what I wanted easily and without thinking about it (like so many people do - just get handed whatever kid combo they want or a PP without even thinking about it) what would have consumed me THEN? Because it WOULD BE something. I know people who have the kids and then immediately go back to school or start after some other goal (and not saying there is anything wrong with that at all) and then it's like the kids were just this box on their to-do list. I suspect that we would all be right there beside them if we had gotten what we wanted. It's only the "not having it" that makes it so poignant.

I know these people who were having 2 kids and that was that. They had a boy first, and then she was pregnant and they were like, "this baby's name is Jordan, girl or boy, and then we're done". The name Jordan was more important to them than if it was a boy or a girl. Their life plan was more important. I think that because this is a gender selection site we simply have this one thing in common but there are tons of other sites that are made up of as an example people who are failed writers and sad about that, people who are looking for a spouse, people who want to climb Mount Everest, or people who are trying to achieve some other goal of which there are a kazillion and at least some of them have a PP and it wasn't what turned their crank. They have that and still feel incomplete without (x,y,z) and are willing to turn their lives upsidedown to get it.

Now I strongly suspect that at least SOME of those people, if they were in our shoes, would feel the exact same way as we do. I do not think this desire is necessarily borne out of trauma but may be innate to some greater or lesser extent, and like all innate desires, some people "need" it and others are more like "eh". But because it's not talked about or understood really, we are led to believe it must be some kind of psychological thing that isn't normal, and then we go back to our lives and look for reasons. And the reasons are always there. They may flavor the desire, make it cut more deep perhaps, but they aren't the root of the desire. The desire is just THERE. The heart wants what it wants, and when the heart gets what it wants, a lot of the times, the heart then goes on to want something ELSE.

I saw Matt Damon interviewed on the Graham Norton show a few weeks ago and he was reminiscing about when he won his first Oscar (for Good Will Hunting) and he just sat there and looked at it and thought "This is no big deal at all, I'm so thankful I didn't screw anyone over to get this" and he claimed it was a very profound realization. He went on to mention that there are people in Hollywood who have stressed and obsessed and hoped and prayed their whole lives to get one and then he got it relatively easily, and it was just a stupid gold statue. He said that he was really thankful that he wasn't like 80 years old and finally getting one only to look at it and realize "OMG I just threw away my whole life chasing this." (and keep in the back of your mind, he has 4 daughters himself LOL and may himself have some GD going on by the sounds of it.) On the other hand I saw Angela Landsbury interviewed once and she seemed shockingly bitter to me over her lack of stupid gold statue and she felt like she'd missed out on all these parts that went to "sexier" actresses - but seriously she has had one of the most amazing careers in acting ever, won tons of other awards had a long and very happy marriage (and her husband was really good looking too) and a pigeon pair but she's still sitting there ungrateful over this one little thing. It was like she couldn't even SEE it because all she saw was the thing she didn't have. Don't be Angela Landsbury, ladies.

[trifecta]

I'm not a huge Oprah fan but what you wrote reminds me of a helpful quote of hers: "If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." I find this to be very true.

[honeybee37]

I saw Angela Lansbury at a play in London and everyone in the audience was so excited to be there. She is an amazing actress and 'on paper', has it all. I think this is the heart of so many of us. My husband says I am only happy when I am planing something - whether that is holiday, a wedding, a house move, (a gendered child...)... the rest of the time my mind wanders and turns to depression... That is not great!!!

[Babygirlquest]

I totally agree about the longing for more. For me, I'm honest about the fact that a girl is my biggest dream right now. I'm about to go high tech after four boys so naturally it does consume me. But there are days where I'm more interested in having a hot bod and nice hair and pushing myself in my career and enjoying my baby getting a little bit more independent...

I'm honest in knowing that if I'm lucky enough to get a daughter, I will want something more. And I totally agree with atomic, with me it's a perfectionist and ambitious nature. I'm always pushing myself to get more and do more. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

Not everyone gets their desired gender. But you know what, happiness is a choice and I truly believe that anyone can be happy. My friend has three boys and if she has a hint of gd, it isn't apparent. Her life is freaking awesome!

[atomic sagebrush]

Not a bad thing at all! I think a lot of us are right there with ya. :)

[Blueplease]

Just because her husband comes from a family of sisters that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't run in the family that way.

I do totally understand, I also really loved being a boy mom to my first two especially. It's a very very special relationship. You're just getting into the fun stuff now because they're getting out of the difficult phase.

I obviously can't tell you what to do but I will point out that a lot of the gals I got to know when I was suffering GD with my 3rd son, decided not to have more kids. They stuck with 2 or 3 boys and things got better. It wasn't as painful once they truly made up their minds to move on, like any dream it grows less "sharp" over time, and they look like they're having the time of their lives. their sons are getting older, they're out and about doing fun stuff and posting pictures of margaritas on cruises with their husbands, on Facebook, and I have no money and no time and I'd LOVE a vacation LOL. It's more than just the gender stuff, it's the life stuff that can be affected. They miss out on some daughter stuff, true, but at the same time, I have a daughter and I"m missing out on OTHER stuff. There's no right answer where we get to have everything that we want in this life anyway, and just know that even those of us who get what we want...it's not a magic panacea that fixes everything. :/ Wishing you the best of luck in this decision.

Love this post

Can I just say my husband had two brothers. His dad is one of two brothers and a sister. My husband and both brothers have all had girls. There is no rule passing down from what I can make out.

Get kuck with whatever you decide


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