How do you know when you are done?

[XXforhubby]

The title says it all. I'm looking for some advice. Those of you that are through with having kids, how did you know? Do you still feel like there is someone you haven't met yet, but you have learned to deal with not having anymore kids? Did you just wake up one day and know?

I'm not sure I feel ready to say I'm done, but I'm feeling pretty comfortable with my family the way it is after having DS3. It just feels right. Yet I also feel like there is someone I haven't met yet. The problem is we would have to add onto our house or buy a bigger one, we would have to buy DH a large vehicle, DH would need a promotion (this is going to happen anyway soon), and I MAY have to go back to work so 1-2 kids in daycare.

I know there may not be a clear answer, but I look forward to hearing any experiences!

Thanks!


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family [emoji170]!

[smarston3]

I'd like to know too..we are struggling with this as well.


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[maidentomother]

I don't have kids, but personally I would never make a choice that would put my kids in day care or mean that neither I nor another adult in the household were providing full time care. But I'm really ant-daycare/pro AP. I know my view is biased though bc I could afford a nanny if needed.

What will make the choice for me will likely be age, unless anti-aging technology hurries up! I don't want to be an old mom, I'm already older than I ever wanted to be having kids.

I personally like even numbers and it makes a variety of things easier, so since you already have 3, why NOT a 4th to round things out?

Good luck whatever you decide!

[smarston3]

Maiden-we are very lucky that I work from home so I get the best of both worlds without childcare costs. And hi!! It's good to see you again!!

My worry is, I can say I'm done. But, what happens 5 years from now when I want another and it's too late..can I live with the disappointment?


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[XXforhubby]

Maiden-we are very lucky that I work from home so I get the best of both worlds without childcare costs. And hi!! It's good to see you again!!

My worry is, I can say I'm done. But, what happens 5 years from now when I want another and it's too late..can I live with the disappointment?


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I feel the same way, yet we have living and vehicle constraints that will make it tough for us to overcome without me going back to work. I won't be able to stay home with him/her until kindergarten like I would want. It's so hard to know what to do!


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family [emoji170]!

[netti02]

I had this dilemma a few years ago. Working shift work wanting more kids, relying on others to help. So I switched jobs to permanent nights. Hubby works mon-fri. We still have someone come over on the weeknights i work but i normally work thurs/fri/sat nights and only need someone over one night.

The 2 little ones have daycare on fridays only so i can sleep. This helps reduce the expense there.

We did purchase a bigger car and then took the chance sold our house and bought a bigger one which was luck really.

If i look over everything i was getting myself in the best possible position to have more kids without increasing childcare needs or reliance on others.

Im due in July with baby no5 and no matter what it is this is my last and it already feels that way. I didn't have those feelings with ds3 or ds4. But now i do. I think its a combination of space, vehicle and managing all that we have now.

Its certainly a combination of finances and how you feel in terms if you have anymore. This last one wasn't an easy decision but we feel we can still manage and are very much looking forward to meeting this new bundle to our family

Mum to 4 Boys awaiting her Princess

[maidentomother]

Thanks smarston! Have you had your baby yet?

[yarranabbe]

We are a 3 child family and have decided to go once more. I didn't feel finished. Our family feels lopsided. And yes we are needing to upsize our house and car but we would have needed to one day as it was

I didn't feel the completeness you have described. So maybe you are done?!

[mommymachine]

If your heart is saying it wants another, and your head is saying "but what about ---(finances, housing, car space, etc)." My advice would be to listen to your heart. <3

[mammacass]

My fave saying in relation to this is "you never regret the children you have... Only the ones you do not"

Going again for number four was a massive decision for us which took quite a while to make, but as others have said I just didn't feel finished and knew I would always be wondering what if. I already know whole heartedly that this will definitely be our last - and I never once felt that with my last child.

Opinions regarding childcare vary greatly, I see nothing wrong with children attending daycare as it can be quite beneficial for them socially. And many women have a desire/need to work just for themselves and their own fulfilment.

I like what you said, how you "feel like there is someone you haven't met yet"



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[mandyp85]

From reading your post you do not sound to me like you are done, if you were I don't think you would be questioning things. I already know I want another even tho it will cause difficulties vehicle wise, I would rather have to overcome those than live with masses of regret over not having another child further down the line. the only decision I now need to make is when to have my next, not sure whether to have a smaller age gap again (so that I can "be done" with nappies etc) or to go for a bigger gap again. I said I wasn't going to have anymore after my 3rd but have not yet reached the state of feeling complete, I think I said it because of pressures from family really. Good luck with whatever you decide hun. Xxx

[Beautifulrainbow]

After my 2nd boy I always knew I would have another, and I don't know why !silly I expected it would have been a girl 3rd time around but turns out that 3rd baby was a boy too, and instead of the longing going away after having 3 children it's got worse, but I know if we can ever make this forth one it will be our last.

[XXforhubby]

From reading your post you do not sound to me like you are done, if you were I don't think you would be questioning things. I already know I want another even tho it will cause difficulties vehicle wise, I would rather have to overcome those than live with masses of regret over not having another child further down the line. the only decision I now need to make is when to have my next, not sure whether to have a smaller age gap again (so that I can "be done" with nappies etc) or to go for a bigger gap again. I said I wasn't going to have anymore after my 3rd but have not yet reached the state of feeling complete, I think I said it because of pressures from family really. Good luck with whatever you decide hun. Xxx

Well we feel the same way- wondering to have a shorter age gap or a longer one. If we do try again, we will try for a 16mo+ age gap and see what happens. We both don't want the stress of TTCing so we will probably shoot for well timed BDing and see what happens.

I could very well be done though too. I just can't shake the feeling though of there being someone we haven't met yet. My DH feels it too....time will tell!



DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family [emoji170]!

[mandyp85]

Its hard isn't it, I feel same as you, that there is someone else out there for our family, I could stop at baby number 5 and may well do yet, I could feel completely differently when he is born and be happy to stop but I think in people who are just naturally maternal, its hard to be happy to stop. I will have a 15/16 month gap so will let you know how I find it, if it goes well ill probably have another small gap.

[XXforhubby]

Its hard isn't it, I feel same as you, that there is someone else out there for our family, I could stop at baby number 5 and may well do yet, I could feel completely differently when he is born and be happy to stop but I think in people who are just naturally maternal, its hard to be happy to stop. I will have a 15/16 month gap so will let you know how I find it, if it goes well ill probably have another small gap.

Ooh, I didn't realize you were going to have a smaller age gap this time around! I'll definitely be in touch and may pm you to see how things go. I'll want your perspective for sure!


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family [emoji170]!

[XXforhubby]

Mandy, were you nursing when you got pregnant this time? I'll be nursing if we decide to go for #4.


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family [emoji170]!

[mandyp85]

No hun I wasn't nursing, is that something you would want to incorporate into your sway? If you decide to go again. Yes my smallest gap yet, I've heard lovely things about smaller gaps so wanted to have that experience, I think having a big family anyway that subsequent babies will just fit into the family dynamics. Feel free to pm me anytime, will be happy to help if I can :-)

[netti02]

I have a small gap between my 3rd and 4th of 15 months. They are so close and almost in the same size 😂

There will be a 17month gap between my 4th and 5th and im hoping just as good as my last 2.

My eldest are 3 years apart but still get on well most of the time.

Mum to 4 Boys awaiting her Princess

[XXforhubby]

Well my DH told me that he couldn't bear going through getting his hopes up for a DD again. He said that he's ready to put it past him and focus on our boys. While he won't get to do some of the things he's wanted to by having a DD, he feels raising boys to become great men is an honor.

I'm beginning to get used to the idea of no more babies. This makes snuggling with my DS3 all the more special [emoji4].




[emoji170]DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[XXforhubby]

Well it had been decided for us that we won't be having anymore children for sure. I am being staged for kidney failure. Unbeknownst to me, my Vitamin D level is almost zero, and I have a UTI despite only having kidney pain. We were surprised my level was so low given that I take a prenatal vitamin and take 1000IU of vitamin D three times a week and have been since I was TTCIng DS3 after my miscarriage. I will know what stage I am in before the week is out. This makes me all the more thankful for my sweet DS3 [emoji4]. His snuggles, coos, and laughter are getting me through.


[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[netti02]

Wow so sorry to hear xx. Did u have any idea does it run in the family? Thinking of you and the family. Glad you get to enjoy snuggles with ds3

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[Jany1025]

Well it had been decided for us that we won't be having anymore children for sure. I am being staged for kidney failure. Unbeknownst to me, my Vitamin D level is almost zero, and I have a UTI despite only having kidney pain. We were surprised my level was so low given that I take a prenatal vitamin and take 1000IU of vitamin D three times a week and have been since I was TTCIng DS3 after my miscarriage. I will know what stage I am in before the week is out. This makes me all the more thankful for my sweet DS3 [emoji4]. His snuggles, coos, and laughter are getting me through.


[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear this.. Did you have Gestational Diabetes?? I am assuming they never found protein in your urine during your OB visits??

I am hoping for the best for you, please keep us updated...

[XXforhubby]

Wow so sorry to hear xx. Did u have any idea does it run in the family? Thinking of you and the family. Glad you get to enjoy snuggles with ds3

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Thank you! My DS3 is such a super snuggler! I only know my mother's side of the family, and my grandma has autosomal dominant polycystic kidney disease.


[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[netti02]

Fx its nothing major but totally reversible once your vitamin d increases and uti is treated.

I can't wait for newborn snuggles

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[XXforhubby]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear this.. Did you have Gestational Diabetes?? I am assuming they never found protein in your urine during your OB visits??

I am hoping for the best for you, please keep us updated...

No I did not, but my last urinalysis while pregnant had a trace amount of protein. I did have high blood pressure immediately after I delivered my DS3. It took awhile for it to return to normal.

I'm just hoping that we caught it early. At least then it can be controlled by diet once we get my vitamin d levels back to normal. I was told it could take 6-12 weeks for me to start to feel better. I just thank God that none of this happened when I was pregnant!


[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[EmileeJane]

Oh my gosh XX sorry to hear. I sure hope it's managable. I've been thinking of you and all of the gals in the due date group. Hope your sweet boys are well. Xoxo.

[mandyp85]

Oh bless you, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you get better soon. Xxx

[maidentomother]

XX, how scary. :( I hope there are no lasting effects and you're fully recovered soon. Is this something you'll have to watch the rest of your life? What kind of diet are you on for it? And does it definitely mean you can't have more children? It's one thing to decide for yourself, another to have it decided for you. Hugs hun. I'm glad you have such a sweet little one!

[essnce629]

That's crazy XX! Hope things are figured out soon.

Regarding vitamin D, most people are deficient, including every person I know who only take 1000-2000 IU (like my mom). Before swaying, I took at least 5000 IU of vitamin D a day as my research showed that you should take 1000 IU for every 25 lbs of body weight. At that level, I've always been in the normal range (~58). During pregnancy and breastfeeding studies show that moms need at least 6000 IU daily for your breastmilk to have enough vitamin D so that your baby doesn't need supplements. I took 6800 IU when pregnant and breastfeeding. When I started swaying I stopped taking vitamin D completely and after a year it was slightly low, but not truly deficient, at 38. My endocrinologist likes it to be closer to 100, so I upped my vitamin D to 12,000 IU a day and my levels were at 99 after 4 months. My endo said vitamin D will stay in your system for about 3 weeks and after that will start dropping. I'm currently only taking vitamin D during the TWW and my level had dropped back to 58 as of two weeks ago. The doctor can prescribe you 50,000 IU vitamin D to get your levels up quickly. I took those twice a week and it brought my levels up fast. Otherwise, I take the Carlson brand of vitamin D drops. The ones that are 4000 IU per drop. My boys are around 50 and 100 lbs, so DS2 takes 2000 IU a day and DS1 takes 4000 IU. Being deficient in vitamin D will also make you much more prone to getting sick.

[Bluebooties]

Vitamin d deficiency occurs as a result of kidney disease and the regular vitamin d preparations donot have effect. U will need a precription for "active" vitamin D.


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[XXforhubby]

XX, how scary. :( I hope there are no lasting effects and you're fully recovered soon. Is this something you'll have to watch the rest of your life? What kind of diet are you on for it? And does it definitely mean you can't have more children? It's one thing to decide for yourself, another to have it decided for you. Hugs hun. I'm glad you have such a sweet little one!

My US showed my kidneys look fine, which is great! We are waiting for the UTI to clear up to test my kidney function. Ironically the kidney diet is basically the LE diet! 0.8kg per body weight in kgs., low fat, no red meat, limit lean white meat, vegetarian protein sources are best, limit chocolate, sherbet in place of ice cream, skim milk or non-dairy milks, fruit and veggies, start off with multigrain carbs but may need to switch to white carbs (potatoes, rice, and white pasta) if I get to stage 3. No caffeine and only 1 3-5oz glass of alcohol daily.

My cousin, who is 6mo younger than me, was diagnosed with kidney disease after her second child. While pregnant with her third child, her kidneys failed, she was in a coma for 5 days, and her son was delivered via an emergency C-section at 32 weeks. I could of course have more children but it's hard to say how my kidneys could handle another pregnancy.




[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[XXforhubby]

That's crazy XX! Hope things are figured out soon.

Regarding vitamin D, most people are deficient, including every person I know who only take 1000-2000 IU (like my mom). Before swaying, I took at least 5000 IU of vitamin D a day as my research showed that you should take 1000 IU for every 25 lbs of body weight. At that level, I've always been in the normal range (~58). During pregnancy and breastfeeding studies show that moms need at least 6000 IU daily for your breastmilk to have enough vitamin D so that your baby doesn't need supplements. I took 6800 IU when pregnant and breastfeeding. When I started swaying I stopped taking vitamin D completely and after a year it was slightly low, but not truly deficient, at 38. My endocrinologist likes it to be closer to 100, so I upped my vitamin D to 12,000 IU a day and my levels were at 99 after 4 months. My endo said vitamin D will stay in your system for about 3 weeks and after that will start dropping. I'm currently only taking vitamin D during the TWW and my level had dropped back to 58 as of two weeks ago. The doctor can prescribe you 50,000 IU vitamin D to get your levels up quickly. I took those twice a week and it brought my levels up fast. Otherwise, I take the Carlson brand of vitamin D drops. The ones that are 4000 IU per drop. My boys are around 50 and 100 lbs, so DS2 takes 2000 IU a day and DS1 takes 4000 IU. Being deficient in vitamin D will also make you much more prone to getting sick.

Thank you! Ironically, I've been taking 2000IU since my miscarriage last October and took 5000IU through my pregnancy. Once DS3 was born, I bumped it up to 6,000IU and what is in my prenatal 800IU daily. Since I had been taking the proper amount, they are concerned my kidneys aren't functioning properly. My Vitamin D level was 4! They put me on 50,000IU bio available D3 once a week since I'm nursing. They wanted to do 50,000 2-3 times a week but that is not safe for breastfeeding. They said my UTI is from my vitamin d level being so low. So far my UTI isn't getting better and my kidney pain is still pretty bad. They will check my kidney levels and glomerular filtration rate once my infection clears up.


[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[maidentomother]

Holy crap that's low vitD, and I can see why you are concerned after your cousin's experience. A 5 day coma is major. I'm so glad they caught this now and not later. I wonder if all your time on the LE had a preventative effect?

All this talk off low vitD reminds me I really need to get mine checked.