You have a son until he has a wife

[Francine]

Hi- it's been a while since I've been here. Due really soon with our final (a boy) and excited to meet him. Some women are starting to get depressed that they're having a boy so I came back to find the study Atomic posted a while ago. I have searched and can't find it, the one that contradicts the phrase "you have a son until he has a wife..." I'm hearing a lot of that with this crowd and I thought- where is this study, they need to take a look at this. :suprise:
Thanks so much and I do enjoy seeing the reasoning here, you ladies made me excited for our third boy!

[BunnyGirl19]

I don't know about the study, but I've seen the saying to be mostly true in my circle of friends and acquaintances. In my opinion, that's a good thing though. He puts his wife above and before his mother, as it should be. That doesn't mean he ignores his mother as if she no longer exists. Or maybe I'm interpreting what is meant by the saying incorrectly?

[oceancitymom]

NBP has a stickied post in the gender disappointment section on this topic.

[nuthinbutpink]

That saying is simply an OWT. It's garbage. Link- http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gender-disappointment/36991-son-son-until-he-takes-wife-maybe-not-so-true.html

[rubyroo83]

Well my little boy is a mama's boy. And my husband calls him mum twice a week. They are very close.

However as a nurse I see it's mainly the daughters who take care of their parents (attend appointments with them, take them out etc) but this could be a generational thing and when our feminist husbands have elderly parents it will change.

[Francine]

Thank you ladies. Apologies Nuthinbutpink, looks like it was yours :)

A couple of the ladies are concerned about how they treat/talk about their MIL now that they are having boys (That could be a pro) but most are worried that they will be forgotten/ignored the moment their sons find a significant other. My personal belief is that it's on a case by case basis. My dh and his brother will respond and help their families when needed... His sisters, not quite. I've noticed the same with my father and his sister. Who knows how it will turn out with these little ones but I think I'm slightly more optimistic that certainly you'll get moved but not abandoned.

[XXforhubby]

My dad refuses to move away from his dilapidated, small town that he grew up in because of my grandma. My dad is one of three brothers and they all care for my grandma. My dad is going through his second divorce and rented a house until it's finalized. My uncles had approached my dad and said they were becoming concerned about my grandma's behavior and wanted his opinion. My dad decided to spend more time with her than just doing the odds and ends she likes him to do for her. While there he too noticed a few odd things so he stayed the night. He became aware that she cannot remember things, has mood swings, and repeats what she says over and over. He made an appointment with her doctor that next day, and she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease. My dad is staying with her until the medication has set in and she is functioning well. He's already cleared it with my uncles to move her in with him when he moves closer to me (my dad and I are best friends and he too is best friends with my grandma).

That saying is a load of crap! My dad grew up in the 50's and he and my uncle's rotate caring for her. It's all about the relationship you create, foster and maintain with your children regardless of gender.


DS1[emoji125]🏼, DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family [emoji170]!

[dalmad]

I think it is true for a while (while the marriage is fresh) however what I see amongst my family and friends that when the mum gets older,most of the time it is the son who visits more often, or looks after the mum. I think it is simply down to the fact that women have their own children to look after and manage their own family, it is easier for a man to pop around and visit their mum. In families where there are mixed gender I often see the boy caring for their mother more, visiting, shopping for them etc.

[trifecta]

I personally agree that it's better for our kids to focus on their own families. I hope I have a good relationship with my sons when they are adults but I don't expect them to take care of me or anything. And I hope they put their families before me. It's kind of selfish to expect the opposite.

This is exactly how I think of it. I fully want and expect my kids to go on and live their own independent lives. It's really not anything I worry about at all. I want to continue to have a warm, supportive relationship with them throughout our lives but where they go after I launch them is up to them.

[atomic sagebrush]

I think it is true for a while (while the marriage is fresh) however what I see amongst my family and friends that when the mum gets older,most of the time it is the son who visits more often, or looks after the mum. I think it is simply down to the fact that women have their own children to look after and manage their own family, it is easier for a man to pop around and visit their mum. In families where there are mixed gender I often see the boy caring for their mother more, visiting, shopping for them etc.

I just want to mention something as well about when the marriage is fresh. We have this skewed Hollywood idea that our parents will be like a billion years old when they're getting married but the truth is, many of us will be in our 40's and early 50's when our children marry. This is the prime of life in a lot of ways, you'll have time and money you didn't have when the kiddos were little, and you are going to find as you get to this point that there are a million things that you love doing for yourself and your husband. Our lives are NOT revolving around what our adult kids are up to TRUST ME. Frankly, I have two adult sons who live on their own, and I would LOVE for them to find someone (honestly, sometimes they call me so much they actually kind of bug me, not too different from my littler ones following me into the bathroom haha, some days I am like OMG I just talked to you yesterday!!!). Even though I talk to one or the other of them 4-6 hours a week, that is 23 hours every day that I wish they were spending with a girlfriend or wife because I worry about them being lonely.

If they were girls I would feel the exact same way. I would be HIGHLY concerned if I had a daughter who was 22 years old and she wanted to go on spa days and go out to lunch every day and be my BFF. It would be weird and wrong and dysfunctional!! I would WANT her to be off working or at school and having a life and forgetting to call me. If your kid not calling you is going to destroy you as a person, get a hobby!!!

Even when you get older it doesn't work that way. My mom is 68 years old and she has tons of friends and hobbies. My MIL and stepmother are the exact same way. They read and watch movies and go out to lunch and dinner with their friends (well, my MIL is more of a homebody but she works in the garden instead). Their homes are BEAUTIFUL all in their own way and there is a lot of enjoyment in that. (says atomic, as she chisels yesterday's mac and cheese from the countertop). My stepmom and dad just went to Europe last year and had a great time. Lives change as you get older but it doesn't have to be this lonely horrible existence without having a daughter.

[atomic sagebrush]

I honestly never heard this saying until I started visiting GD forums. My experience has been the opposite as the men in my family are the ones who take care of mom in old age. My mom has two sisters and she was saddled with full responsibility of taking care of her mother who had dementia and was dying. But she is also a nurse.

I think a lot of women who think having a baby girl is a guaranteed best friend, elderly care and consistent access to grandchildren might be bitterly disappointed when that doesn't pan out. It all boils down to how you raise them and their individual personalities. Not to mention the growing number of women opting out of motherhood themselves. grandchildren are not guaranteed.

I personally agree that it's better for our kids to focus on their own families. I hope I have a good relationship with my sons when they are adults but I don't expect them to take care of me or anything. And I hope they put their families before me. It's kind of selfish to expect the opposite.

Totally agree and I know I said this a zillion times but in both my and my husband's family it has always been the men who took care of the elderly parents while the women left to go with their husband or their career.

[Babygirlquest]

My hubby is still such a mummy's boy. He helps her whenever he can.

And I totally agree about wanting our kids to have separate lives. I was barely 21 when I had my first! If he is the same age when he has his kid then I'll only be 42 and still working, definitely not wanting to be looked after by him or anything like that!!!

I think if you love your children and create great bonds with them then they always come back to you, to see you or just because they need you. That has nothing to do with gender. The women in our family are very independent, until I saw this saying I would have assumed everyone would have believed the opposite to be true!

[atomic sagebrush]

EXACTLY!! I was 21 years old when I had my first son!!! I still have a lot of life left in me, like I'm supposed to be going around with my hair in curlers just waiting for him to call...NOPE!!! He is 24 now and I had a 3 year old when I was his age. I"m not totally sure I'd have been ready to be a granny at 42 - I had a baby myself that age!! :)

[atomic sagebrush]

:agree: this sounds horrible but one of my happiest moments was seeing my mom drive away from my college dorm. :p It's not that I don't love her, of course I do, but I wanted to do my own thing then!

Honestly, none of my parents ever helped me with my family anyway. With my first two they were still busy working and raising their own kids. With my younger ones, they seem old enough now so that I would worry a little when they were babies, like it might be too much for them or something, and then by the time they're old enough so I feel ok having them watch them, the kids are already so old they can practically take care of themselves anyway. :/ Especially my MIL just doesn't seem capable of taking care of a baby on her own, yk?? so there is a very narrow window there anyway and a lot of parents just wouldn't ever be into it anyway. My dad and stepmom aren't the "babysitting" kind even when they were young.