Wantanother2017
January 30th, 2016, 03:20 PM
I'll start off by saying I have 1 son who I adore and we plan to start TTC in a few months. I had GD for sure when I learned of the gender the first pregnancy and we only plan to have 2 children and I'm very anxious about how I'll feel if the next is also a boy. I grew up with several sisters and I have dreamed of my daughter my entire life. I know I'm very blessed to have a healthy, adorable son, but nothing changes the void I feel of not having a daughter.
I've told my DH about some of these feelings, but not the full extent of emotional loss I experienced early on in my first pregnancy or the desperation I feel for the next to be my long desired daughter. Mostly because of the fear of judgment. Recently I had the courage to try and bring up the topic of gender swaying and even thinking of IVF with PGD, the conversation didn't go as I hoped. Before I even got most of the sentence out my DH began spouting off cliches of "you should be happy with whatever you get" and even more hurtful were his comments "you don't have children so they can be your entertainment pieces to dress up and do the things YOU want to do with.." You get the idea.
I was crushed. My eyes filled with tears and I just left the room. It was a very vulnerable place for me to speak from as I already have mounds of guilt and shame for even having such GD to begin with, and for the intense feelings I have for a daughter. Just speaking out loud about having a daughter makes me tear up. It felt like being kicked when you are down. He apologized later that night at least and said he understands that I have that desire and thats ok, but the damage is done. I do not feel comfortable discussing this issue with him again and I'm angry that I can't even discuss something like this with my partner. It is something that goes through my mind every day and if you can discuss these sorts of emotions with you DH than who?
My other concern is when we start TTC sometime this summer I don't know how we can seriously sway if I can't even discuss this with him.
Just feeling sad and worse then I did before the conversation. Thanks for listening.
I've told my DH about some of these feelings, but not the full extent of emotional loss I experienced early on in my first pregnancy or the desperation I feel for the next to be my long desired daughter. Mostly because of the fear of judgment. Recently I had the courage to try and bring up the topic of gender swaying and even thinking of IVF with PGD, the conversation didn't go as I hoped. Before I even got most of the sentence out my DH began spouting off cliches of "you should be happy with whatever you get" and even more hurtful were his comments "you don't have children so they can be your entertainment pieces to dress up and do the things YOU want to do with.." You get the idea.
I was crushed. My eyes filled with tears and I just left the room. It was a very vulnerable place for me to speak from as I already have mounds of guilt and shame for even having such GD to begin with, and for the intense feelings I have for a daughter. Just speaking out loud about having a daughter makes me tear up. It felt like being kicked when you are down. He apologized later that night at least and said he understands that I have that desire and thats ok, but the damage is done. I do not feel comfortable discussing this issue with him again and I'm angry that I can't even discuss something like this with my partner. It is something that goes through my mind every day and if you can discuss these sorts of emotions with you DH than who?
My other concern is when we start TTC sometime this summer I don't know how we can seriously sway if I can't even discuss this with him.
Just feeling sad and worse then I did before the conversation. Thanks for listening.