Stupid comments

[hopper]

Hi ladies, I've taken a break from the boards for a while after finding out we are having our third little man this summer. It was an unintentional break as I was genuinely ok after our scan at 15+2 and was, in my own words, "embracing the blue" this time! We decided not to tell people straight away. Just because I was ok with having a third boy doesn't mean I was ready for inane comments people can make!

We've slowly told my family (that's just my parents, only sister and her OH) and I've dealt with several less-than-sensitive comments (as they knew how much I wanted a girl) like my sister, who's ttc her first at the momen, saying things like "You better hope I don't win the race for the first grand-daughter" or my mother "get a grip and just be happy with what you have been given" (as if I'm unhappy with what I HAVE, I'm unhappy with how I feel and the notion that I quite possibly will never have it but as she had two girls and never had an inclination for a boy she doesn't understand at all)

We've also told my FIL (who was lovely and said nothing at all) and one of my SILs and her DH (who just said "What do you want girls for anyway, they're just a load of trouble" and proceeded to tell us about their DD who is almost 14 and a complete hellion right now - which was them trying to be helpful but just re-enforced the idea in my mind that no one "gets" it. I AM a girl, I KNOW what girls are like and I STILL want one of my own so nothing anyone says to portray daughters negatively will change my feelings - unfortunately!! I wish their words would!!)

I also chose to tell one other person, my friend who has a PP and has claimed in the past to understand my want for a daughter as she has often said she was disappointed her second child was a boy as she wanted two girls, but since I told her this is another boy she has been really insensitive (maybe I'm being overly sensitive, I'll admit I probably am but she's been so understanding and careful with certain words before this and now I feel like she just doesn't care.
Her DS was recently officially diagnosed ASD and I understand that she's grieving and coming to terms as she was in complete denial before so I haven't said anything about her comments but it still doesn't make them any easier. Things like "Oh I told *insert her DDs name here* you were having another boy and she started to cry. She said its just not fair that *DS1* and *DS2* don't have a sister" (I understand a child said these words but was there a real need to relay them to me?!) and other really silly ones like "My cousin is being induced this morning. She's *finally* having her little girl! We are all so excited but *insert cousin's name here* was so worried her DD will be ugly in her newborn photos cause her son was a really ugly baby!" Like WTH?!?! Worried about her DD being ugly? And "finally" having her girl - after only one boy!! Sorry but I'm on my third and no girls, can I get a bit of tact please!! Its just silly stuff like that and I feel its really driving a wedge between us!

The other thing is comments from people that don't even know I'm having another boy. Like last week I had a wedding of an old friend. DH couldn't go as we had no one to mind the boys so I went stag. I still had a great day but at the meal I was sat with some girls I don't see very often but we always get on very well. They were saying that since I haven't had hyperemesis this time, after having it so bad on my first two, this baby has to be a girl. Fair enough, I was thinking similarly myself a few weeks ago despite trying to lie to myself and say I wasn't. But then one of the girls (who has two daughters and no desire for a boy whatsoever) puts her arms around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze before saying "I'm so happy you'll finally have a girl. I've always felt so sorry for you only having had boys!" Are. You. SERIOUS?! For all she knows I could be having another boy - oh wait, I AM! How am I supposed to tell people now after comments like that.

It's something I struggle with every day but the comments are making it SO much harder than it has to be. I'm perfectly ok, more than ok really, with having another son. In all honesty I am probably more suited to rearing boys. I'm a difficult enough woman without adding another to the mix but the heart wants what the heart wants. The struggle I have is the feeling of "losing" my girl. I genuinely had no doubts in my mind that I was having a girl this time until I posted my 13 week nub shot and got boy guesses. I did my grieving then at 13/14 weeks but there are days when it hits me really hard and I feel so sad - and then I feel guilty for feeling this way and then I think well why can't I be honest with how I'm feeling. DH doesn't get it at all. He thinks I'm being selfish wishing for a girl. I'm not wishing this baby away and I'm grateful for him and hope he is as perfect as his big brothers. He will be so loved and slot right into our lives but I am grieving the life I feel I should have had - with a daughter. If that even makes sense?!

We are going to have to tell people its another boy as now that we've told some people it will slowly get around, as news always does in a small community, and I wanted to own it and be ok with it but stupid comments can make it so much harder than it has to be!

Sorry for the long winded rant post. I feel a bit better having written it down!

[sweetdream]

Maybe just maybe just throw it in there faces!
Say with you greatest fake smile thank you but there is a suprise! I'm getting An amazing another Son!!! Well we do make very beautiful boys!

I can write a book About those stupid comments!
And we do understand. You are not alone. You can be super proud at yourself!
And you will be just fine.
Ppl will stop with the comments evantually but you will never stop loving them.

[XXforhubby]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Hopper! I honestly believe that people don't think before they speak sometimes.

I dreaded the comments too, not because I wanted a DD, but because I felt I had to defend me wanting a third boy. I think people expected we would have a DD after two boys, and assumed I wanted a DD. I actually had anxiety when TTCing a DD for my DH, because I wanted a third boy and I didn't want to upset him.

When announcing our third boy, I always said it with a huge smile on my face and followed by saying we are super excited. That always shut them up. Everyone always congratulated me and said how lucky we were.

It will get easier. My DH is so happy with our boys now and is ok with not having anymore kids.


[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602] completes our family![emoji170]

[Babygirlquest]

People are idiots! Trust me it gets easier when baby is here. I actually pretended to go team green with my third boy even tho we did find out because I didn't want the comments. When I announced his birth with his beautiful face no one dared say anything!

With my fourth son we actually went team green and everyone was genuinely thrilled when he arrived!

[Beau82]

I definitely got loads of awful comments, especially with DS4. We found out at 20 weeks and while I wasn't ready for the comments, I wanted to get it out there so I could get all the stupid comments out of the way well before he arrived. Just to make you feel a little better about people, I got some really lovely comments too. Like my friend who said "wow! A house full of boys sounds so charming". And my aunt who simply said "you are so very blessed to be surrounded by sweet, handsome boys".

My SIL is pregnant with her first child now and just found out it's a girl. So this will be the first granddaughter for my husband's side of the family. MIL had 3 boys so first girl for a while. SIL has always been very sweet but when she sent me her little announcement video, she also made the comment that she couldn't stop crying all day since she found out she's having a girl. Made me wonder if she would have reacted like that if she heard boy, guessing not at all. That comment just really irked me since she knows how badly I want a girl. It was almost like she was rubbing salt in the wound by proclaiming how extremely happy she was not to be having a boy.

[familymatters]

Can I just say, that the majority of people as so incredibly stupid. And not very emotionally intelligent. That woman at the wedding, omg what a daft twit. The thing is, is that you're very happy you're having a boy, but you also wish you were having a girl. These emotions are complex enough without the general public muddying the waters. If you lived in China or India, you would be told a million times over how lucky/blessed/fabulous/clever you were for having three boys. And the truth is, you are! You will be surrounded by love and loyalty in the shape of three little boys that will grow up into three delightful men. And they will marry and you'll can have close relationships with their wives and they will have children and you will have a mixture of beautiful grandsons and granddaughters who you adore and spoil etc. You're life is full of love and happiness, don't let the insensitive comments of people dampen that for you xx

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[oceancitymom]

Seriously I feel so pissed off just reading this. I'll never forget running into a friend of my mom's at the mall shortly after finding out we were having DS2, and she said, "Oooh...a girl???" And I said, "No, a boy." And she WINCED and turned to my mom and said, "Sorry." And followed up with a question to me about how in the world was I going to continue to work and have two kids. It might be petty, but I still feel contempt for this woman and don't feel sorry that she has no children and her husband recently left her. There. That's my contribution to this rant thread! :)

[atomic sagebrush]

I have occasionally been in the situation where I said something undeniably stupid and it was largely nervousness and lack of thought (blurting out something I heard once upon a time said by some nitwit and then somehow it's coming out of my mouth.) It is one of those situations where you have to embrace your inner superhero and realize "this is one of those times where I have superior social skills" and just know that living well is the best revenge.

[atomic sagebrush]

Can I just say, that the majority of people as so incredibly stupid. And not very emotionally intelligent. That woman at the wedding, omg what a daft twit. The thing is, is that you're very happy you're having a boy, but you also wish you were having a girl. These emotions are complex enough without the general public muddying the waters. If you lived in China or India, you would be told a million times over how lucky/blessed/fabulous/clever you were for having three boys. And the truth is, you are! You will be surrounded by love and loyalty in the shape of three little boys that will grow up into three delightful men. And they will marry and you'll can have close relationships with their wives and they will have children and you will have a mixture of beautiful grandsons and granddaughters who you adore and spoil etc. You're life is full of love and happiness, don't let the insensitive comments of people dampen that for you xx

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:agree: my husband said, "In China, I'd be a God!" LOL. We are really blessed many times over and if others can't see it, that's their problem. :)

[atomic sagebrush]

Much of this gets better when you're out of the baby stage and into the "look at my awesome family" stage. :)

[hopper]

Oh ladies I am just so touched by your comments and shared experiences. Thank you all so much!!

@familymatters you have me in tears here with your wonderful comment. I actually can barely re-read it through the tears to form an apt reply! You've just hit the nail firmly on the head. I already feel so all over the place about everything I could do without people further colouring my feelings! And yes, in China we would be Gods lol!! DH often says that if we were short on cash he could rent himself out as a proven boy producer! But knowing my luck he'd have daughters with another woman lol!!

The girl at the wedding is actually family unfortunately, I've mentioned her here before I think, and she has been known to say stupid stuff before this - like the morning DS1 was born she openly asked me was I disappointed as both of us wanted girls. She had her girl 3 months later (a baby girl I held in my arms at about 3 hours old while I cried like a woman possessed) and has since had a second girl rubbing more salt in the wound (though her DD2 is clinically blind). She claims changing a baby boys nappy makes her feel "ill". I do think such comments are made in ignorance, and the bigger part of me, the more developed part of me, feels quite sorry for her that she must have such a negative view of the male sex.

@XX have you decided if you guys will try once more or do you feel "done"? I know I feel like this now, desperate for a daughter while carrying a son but you never know - I might feel complete when he gets here! I'm holding onto that thought. I was going to start looking into starting LE from January (BFing dependent) and ttc from March 2017 but I'm just being optimistic that I won't even need to sway or have any more babies. DH doesn't like the idea of swaying. He thinks our 3 conceptions have been "military" and since all of them resulted in boys we should have a "go with flow" time of ttc. A big part of me agrees with him but then I see the script I have for Clomid that I got the day before I got my BFP this time and I think it'd be a shame to let it go to waste when its such a good pink tactic lol!!

Its funny cause before I got pregnant this time I wanted DH to have a 4th child. I always wanted 4 children but I just assumed, like a lot of women here I'm sure, that at least one of them and perhaps two of them would be girls. But part of me actually hoped that our third child be a boy as I genuinely love the idea of 3 boys (the photos of Colleen Rooney and her three boys when her third son was born were just so gorgeous!!) - and then finishing off with a girl (cause having kids is just like ordering takeout from a Chinese menu, right!!) but now that I'm actually in the situation and there's a possibility of a 4th child, and a 4th boy at that, I don't know how I feel about it. A lot of our family have expressed the opinion that we needed to be done at 2 and then announcing this child didn't get a wonderful reaction. I know that financially we are better off sticking with 3 and DH would be happier sticking with 3, he kinda didn't want to have a third and I know he's only saying we can have a 4th cause he can sense how sad I am right now - and I think he's hoping the sadness will just go away over time. Maybe it will.

@oceancitymom I'm sorry you got such a reaction! What a complete idiot!! I totally get that wincing though, I'm just waiting for it when more people know. A girl I used to be friends with and only connect with on FB now commented on our FB announcement for this child. She has 2 girls and a boy and she didn't even say congrats she just wrote "Maybe this time you'll be lucky!" As if my boys being here and healthy and happy isn't lucky?!?! What can you say to that like!! I don't know why other peoples comments affect me so much, I'm blaming the preggo hormones!! I normally couldn't give two hoots though I'm sure my own feelings on the subject are making stupid comments a little harder to take.

@atomic lol I too have been known to make "foot in mouth" questions or statements. I can really be such an airhead at times. As mentioned above this particular girl has been known to make inane comments in the past so I really shouldn't be fazed by her at this point!! I'm just so sensitive as part of me feels like she's giving voice to whats already hidden in my head so it's just a little too close to the bone for my liking. I can't WAIT to get to the "look at my wonderful family" stage. My SIL who is mad for a girl having grown up in a house of 5 daughters and no sons, has 3 boys (9,5,1) and has yet to get to it, I think if there's one thing I can learn from her experience thus far is to embrace it more as she is very removed from her boys since the birth of her third son. She cares for them etc but she just doesn't seem as involved as she once was. The more I embrace being a mother of boys the happier we will all be. I just want to hit the FF button now and get to the point where we are a family of 5 so maybe the healing can begin!

I feel priviledged to be raising such kind and wonderful sons, I REALLY do as I know all you mothers with boys must also feel. It IS a priviledge. I just wish I didn't have such a want for a daughter. I would do anything to not feel like this. It's just not helped by the fact that pretty much every family I know has girls or mixed gender households. My SIL and one other friend are the only people I know with a max of 3 kids that are all sons so I just feel in the minority a lot. If I never had a daughter and I never felt like this again I'd be the happiest woman alive! I HATE GD! Its such a demon!!

Thank you all for reading/commenting on such a rant-y thread! It didn't start out as such, I just wanted to air how I was feeling! I'm freelancing for some blogs at the minute and a lot of my pieces are all about being happy in pregnancy and I just feel like I needed to write something honest. Maybe when I'm less raw about everything I'll write an honest piece on GD but for now I'll save it for here, my safe place xxx

[netti02]

Ikwym hopper. I have told close family but in terms of the fbook world i have kept the gender unknown. Im not sure if any more children are for us down the track but if it was i have already made the decision to tell no one until absolutely necessary that includes inlaws and parents. My inlwas are pretty easy going but id just rather keep it for myself as long as possible.

I was ok at first too then went into abit of a spiral but ive now found my happy place again. I jad some clothes put away for a dd so i will need to sort through that and it will be hard.

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[Fiya]

Sweet hopper, I just wanted to read this because I was wondering what people would probably have to say about gender and I'm shocked. Some people are just so insensitive. You can be proud of yourself to have been able to stay calm despite of these silly comments.

I was mostly shocked by the girl at the wedding. It's mostly the ones having their desired genders who say things like that. That's why this website is such a blessing. Everyone here knows what it feels like to have that desire for a certain gender, so we would never say such mean things to you.

Anyway, before I found out I was getting a girl, what I threaded the most wasn't discovering having a thirth boy, but listening to alllll the pity I would get from everyone. I recently told my hubby no one even bothered to ask me if I didn't want a thirth boy. They all automatically assumed I needed a girl for my family to be complete, so I must be happy.

It's such a strange world, because your MIL tells you to be happy with what you get, but everyone seems to have that picture of a perfect family in mind and tells you things that make you doubt your own happiness. I know it's cliche, but a healthy baby is the most wonderful present you can get. And those babies are blessed with a mom like you.

Enjoy your pregnancy hun, and don't listen to them! :HH:

[familymatters]

@hopper, you're a sweetheart and you sound like a wonderful mother. You are very articulate and intelligent, I could tell you are a writer. Just keep expressing yourself here because the ladies on this site are so supportive and they get it.

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[Babygirlquest]

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[BrightSky]

Hopper, I can't believe people like your wedding guest friend even exist! What awful things to say.. Changing a boys nappy makes her 'ill' why bother even having children then as that's a distinct possibly?! Regardless of gender these are human beings we are talking about and what sort of message is she sending her daughters about their perception of men.. who make up half the human race! I would not want my children anywhere near someone like this.
I'm on to my second now, and while I do believe this to be a boy, I've elected not to find out and I'm even finding the 'hope it's a girl' comments annoying, I try to shut it down quickly and say even if it's not my son will love a little brother (as would we!) I think you'll find once your baby's born the comments will only be lovely, there's no negativity attached to the birth of a new child xx

[ksmom]

I'm so sorry people are being so insensitive Hopper! I remember with DS2, people would ask what I was having and they'd react with "oh another boy" with a less than enthused look. Like really?! As if OUR children's genders have any bearing on their lives!! A friend of mine is expecting her third boy any day now and when she announced the gender she got lots of the "guess you need to try again for a girl" and "were you trying for a girl?" comments. Since when did other people make our reproductive business their business?? I feel like people who say these things are the ones who don't get what it's like to have GD. They're either too old to remember that part of their lives or they had a mix of boys and girls so it was never something they had to deal with. I know often times these people mean well, but they really have no idea how much their words can sting. Like you, I love my boys dearly and sometimes I wish so bad that my desire for a DD would go away...but it won't and so it's something I struggle with. It's so hard when we envision our lives to be a certain way and then it turns out to be something completely different. I'm sure once your new adorable little bundle is here, people won't dare say terrible things to you. In the meantime, try not to let all those party poopers rain on your parade. :HH: