How to cope when one by one your friends are getting their girl

[GlitterMouse]

Hi ladies,

Just looking for some support/advice. Can anyone suggest some ways to cope when your friends get their DD? I have three pregnant friends. 1 has a girl confirmed, 1 just looks like she's having a girl (I know I'm crazy, but she really, really does) and the third just showed her scan pictures and I have been 'nubsessing' ever since. TBH her 12 week scan looked soooooooo girly, exactly like every pic online where a girl has been confirmed.

I have shocked myself at how upset this has made me. I went into full panic mode last night and had a good cry. I feel like this boy mum crew are leaving me behind and soon we will have nothing in common. The stupidest thing is that I haven't even started to TTC yet. I've been swaying hard since January and its going well but I feel like I may give up. I have this silly logic whereby because its happened for them, it won't for me. Even sillier, two of the three are not even confirmed yet???!!

Gosh just read this back and realise how crazy I sound. I hope some of you can understand me?! I'm really in need of some kind supportive words if anyone can spare the time x

[atomic sagebrush]

I don't know if this helps at all but what made the difference to me was that I didn't want any of their babies. I wanted MY baby. I just felt like there was this little girl out there somewhere counting on me to bring her into the world. It wasn't any random girl, it was HER. So I didn't really have any feelings of jealousy when people I knew had a daugther - it really wasn't any more relevant to me than a person having a boy was.

I DO understand though that it hurts when it feels like everyone else gets it easily and you don't. That is one thing that still eats at me to this day even though I ended up having a DD. It's like why does it have to just get handed to all these other people when I had to wait so long and work so hard for it. :/ That one I don't have the answer to.

[oceancitymom]

I feel you. I always *tell* people I feel the way Atomic does. When I found out I was having a boy I guess I couldn't hide my disappointment, and my assistant at work who has two girls said, "You can take my girls for mani/pedis anytime." And my brother had a girl last year - he said something similar. And my best friend, who sympathized with me through my failed IVFs, texted me a picture of her little girl and then immediately called me to apologize saying she was sorry to be so insensitive about sending that when I was suffering over not having a daughter, and I said to her, "It's okay, really, I don't want YOUR daughter, I want MY daughter." But the truth is, actually, I *am* jealous. And it *does* give me a pit in my stomach when I hear someone is having a girl - especially after having a boy. I don't get jealous if it's someone who has only girls, because I figure they're not any more complete than I am - having a boy is great too! But when someone gets pink after blue...yep, my green eyed monster rears its ugly head. :(

[Beautifulrainbow]

I'm feeling you too, a few months back there were a few pregnant mothers down my boys school and one after another they all gave birth to baby girls. I felt like I had missed my chance to get pregnant in the girl season and that those people were using up my chances of a baby girl.
last March my sister had a girl after sleeping with her new boyfriend just once, and in that case I'm not so much as envous at her I'm more annoyed, because she couldn't even cope with the two boys she had. she handed custody of one of them to me for a few months because she couldn't cope. Annoyed that she got a girl after doing that.

My brothers girlfriend is finding out what she is having ag her scan tomorrow, and while I am really happy for them, I can't help worry how I'm going to feel if they say it's a girl. Maybe I won't feel envous of her either because from what she has had a moan about I think she is hoping for a boy.

[GlitterMouse]

This site is truly wonderful. I am so grateful to you ladies for taking the time to try to help me and explain your own feelings. It's great to know that I'm not alone. The empathy you all have is so comforting. Thank you x

Atomic, I really need to channel your way of thinking. I see exactly what you mean about it being YOUR baby that you wanted, nobody elses. I feel this way about my lovely sons and don't wish them to be anything other than themselves and don't want to have other people's girls, just my own.

Ladies, I appreciate your honesty. We are brought up to believe jealousy is a bad emotion and it is crippling, but it is something we feel now and again. I don't want THEIR daughter but I DO want to be in their shoes, expecting my own daughter. That feeling must be amazing!! oceancitymom, thank you for your complete honesty. Everything you said rang true for me.

Yes, yes, beautifulrainbow, what you said about using up all the chances of a baby girl. Exactly that. How dare they!!

Empathy is a difficult thing to come by IRL...this site has it in spades. You've made me feel better already, thank you for your kindness xx

[Beautifulrainbow]

((((Hugs))))

[sweetdream]

I thought the same!
When i was pg with my boys. All girls were born. So ofcourse i wouldn't get any.
Later on there was a boy streak. And in that period i wasn't pg. Then i thought when i got pg its my girl. Everyone had boys. But then the neigbhour got pg. And one street away and then the mother in school who lives on the block. We were supposed to stay team green. But then i heard. All of them got girls!!! All!! I thought! Ofcourse. And that friend of mine. Who has it all except a girl. Pg with third after 2 sons. She will get the girl ofc!! And not me! Like there aren't any left!

What was i wrong!
I couldn't stay team green. And we got our girl too! And that friend who has it all? She got a beautiful baby boy! (And she is so in love and she is so sweet! She was trully happy for me! And i would have loved for her to get one too.)


The point? Nature doesn't keep count. They don't run out of boys or girls! You have always just as much a chance of a gender as everybody else. But sometimes you can try and give nature a little push in the right direction by swaying.

[atomic sagebrush]

:agree: that is a fact - nature doesn't keep count and there are huge runs of boys sometimes and girls sometimes but it's random chance. The year I got my daughter we had tons of girls conceived around us. The year I got my 4th son we also had tons of girls conceived around us.

[Inforthree]

I can totally relate too. I am uncommonly interested in the composition of other people's kids. And I am jealous of people who have gotten what I'm hoping for, now a girl after two boys, even though I don't want someone else's daughter, I want my own. I told a friend about this site, she swayed before me, and got her DD after two DS. I was with her when she found out it was a girl and was so happy for her, but it was surreal in some ways because she was experiencing everything I hope to experience and she was so happy and excited that the sway had worked. And having witnessed the moment it seems really hard to know that I might not have that awesome moment myself. I have actually come around a lot to having three boys, the more time passes and the more I know my sons as individuals the less the gender matters. But I still have a desire for a DD and if I find out I'm having my 3 DS, which I will be alright with, the moment will not be as joyous as a successful sway. But I am getting ahead of myself since I not TTC yet. Anyway, this is all to say I think lots of us can relate to all of these feelings of envy and crazy notions about other people getting your girl!

[GlitterMouse]

I can totally relate too. I am uncommonly interested in the composition of other people's kids. And I am jealous of people who have gotten what I'm hoping for, now a girl after two boys, even though I don't want someone else's daughter, I want my own. I told a friend about this site, she swayed before me, and got her DD after two DS. I was with her when she found out it was a girl and was so happy for her, but it was surreal in some ways because she was experiencing everything I hope to experience and she was so happy and excited that the sway had worked. And having witnessed the moment it seems really hard to know that I might not have that awesome moment myself. I have actually come around a lot to having three boys, the more time passes and the more I know my sons as individuals the less the gender matters. But I still have a desire for a DD and if I find out I'm having my 3 DS, which I will be alright with, the moment will not be as joyous as a successful sway. But I am getting ahead of myself since I not TTC yet. Anyway, this is all to say I think lots of us can relate to all of these feelings of envy and crazy notions about other people getting your girl!

Inforthree, I'm with you...

The longer I have my lovely boys and watch them develop and grow, I too am coming round to the idea of three boys. In fact, I even find myself thinking it would work really well for us as a family and my boys would love it! I know I am a product of conditioning by my family, upbringing and the area I live in where a huge importance is placed on having a daughter. When I'm with DH and our boys in our own little bubble, my world is amazing. Another son would be amazing and only enrich us.(as too would a daughter of course, although I can't imagine this ever happening). However, if I dip one toe into the outside, all the old feelings rush back.

It's a confusing conundrum! I've decided I must see this thing through. I've been lurking here since 2012 and have been swaying hard since January. I feel I owe it to myself to try although I am worried that I will hit rock bottom if I don't hear girl and maybe the moment won't be as wonderful as your friend experienced? Stick with what I have or twist??? It's a tricky one!

[Inforthree]

Yep I can relate to that conundrum too. I have moments where I think I could just be happy with what I have. My husband would be happy to be done too. But I think it would always wonder what if. I've been slowly easing into my sway for months and thinking about it for years so I feel like I owe it to myself too. 3 is definitely our limit so I think I'll be happier knowing I tried regardless of the outcome. I told my husband if we don't try now I can see myself bringing this up again in a few years. We'd both rather keep our kids closer together.

I think my rock bottom was finding out DS2 was a boy. I thought that was our last shot, I didn't realize how upset I'd be, and only then understood I was assuming it would be a girl. Now I understand what I'm getting into what I'll gain and what I'll lose either way I won't be so taken off guard. I just was reeling from the thought of never having a daughter and realizing I never really thought it was a possibility (stupid as that sounds, obviously it was a possibility) but I guess I didn't think it was for me for whatever reason. It was hard to come to grips with. #3 would be a bonus, I never thought it would happen at all and I've given it a lot of thought so I doubt it will be as bad as being blindsided by GD. I hope...

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[GlitterMouse]

Yep I can relate to that conundrum too. I have moments where I think I could just be happy with what I have. My husband would be happy to be done too. But I think it would always wonder what if. I've been slowly easing into my sway for months and thinking about it for years so I feel like I owe it to myself too. 3 is definitely our limit so I think I'll be happier knowing I tried regardless of the outcome. I told my husband if we don't try now I can see myself bringing this up again in a few years. We'd both rather keep our kids closer together.

I think my rock bottom was finding out DS2 was a boy. I thought that was our last shot, I didn't realize how upset I'd be, and only then understood I was assuming it would be a girl. Now I understand what I'm getting into what I'll gain and what I'll lose either way I won't be so taken off guard. I just was reeling from the thought of never having a daughter and realizing I never really thought it was a possibility (stupid as that sounds, obviously it was a possibility) but I guess I didn't think it was for me for whatever reason. It was hard to come to grips with. #3 would be a bonus, I never thought it would happen at all and I've given it a lot of thought so I doubt it will be as bad as being blindsided by GD. I hope...

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Are you actually me inforthree??? Seriously, your post was exactly my feelings and experiences...exactly... If I had written it down, that is how it would have read. I LOVE the empathy you can find on this site. Thanks for putting it all into words.

In actual fact, I have just had a text from a friend, asking how I am, how are my lovely boys, how are they getting on etc etc She was my partner in crime, fellow boy mum. We always discussed the nasty comments made by others, how lucky we are to have boys and how we never appreciated it before but how lucky we are to have experienced boys... She has baby number three in her tummy. A girl. We haven't had much contact for a while, busy lives, work, kids etc. I've been very gracious, I'm very, very pleased for her to be having a girl. But wow! I could feel the vomit rising and the tears welling when I read that text. I'm very envious that she is through this and is moving on to more contented times where she can be at peace with herself and her family.

Too scared to TTC, too scared not to.

Just when I thought I was getting over this...

[jennypenny]

Too scared to TTC, too scared not to.

TOTALLY relate too this!!!

[trifecta]

At this point I cannot allow myself to imagine how happy other people must be when they get one of each, which is my particular trigger. It just hurts to much.

Now when it comes up I try to remind myself that getting what you want isn't the only way of getting a happy ending. Getting what you thought you wanted isn't even necessarily for the better, in the long run. Sour grapes maybe but it's also the truth.

[GlitterMouse]

You're SO right trifecta. Its definitely about the long game. Having a daughter does not guarantee a life-long, wonderful relationship that you could not have with sons. Life throws up things all the time. I don't think that's sour grapes at all, its actually a really good coping mechanism and a way of getting things into perspective. I would say that I feel like this 90% of the time. However, there are just those arresting triggers that grab you sometimes. A cliche I know but life is definitely an emotional rollercoaster!