Reactions to your pregnancy?

[oceancitymom]

I just wondered what kind of reactions you've gotten to your pregnancies as an older-than-average mom. I'm already dreading even the possibility of hearing negative comments as I feel very sensitive about it. There's this old lady in my church choir who had her daughter at 37 and for years has gone on and on about how it was unplanned, it was a huge deal, she had an amnio because she was so ancient. It was in the news a few weeks back that Janet Jackson is trying to have a baby at 49 and this lady wrinkled her nose and said, "Ugh. 49? That poor child." And I said, "I don't know; could be pretty cool to be Janet Jackson's kid." And the lady didn't humor me at all; she was just like, "I think it's selfish. She'll be dead by the time the kid graduates from college."

Then another guy I work with who I've known for years, who always was remarkable to me because he and his wife had babies in their 20s which doesn't seem to be the norm around here. Now he's mid-40s and his kids are in college. He was telling me about some guy we both know whose wife is expecting their first and he's 45. "FORTY FIVE!?" he said. "Man, I'd kill myself..." I said, "I don't know, I think there's something to be said about having kids later. They won't have financial stress...maybe they have more patience." The guy just shook his head. "Yeah, but FORTY FIVE!?!?!?" I'm thinking, "Watch it buddy. My DH is going to be 44 this year and we're TTC." Of course I didn't say that. But I swear, if anyone says anything to me about being pregnant later in life I may bite their head off!

Incidentally, I did have my second at 35 and never had a comment about it. Even my doctor waved it off when I mentioned something about being "advanced maternal age." It was me, actually, who requested all the intense prenatal screening. My doc was way more casual about everything and didn't seem to think my age was a big deal. I'll be 39 later this year.

[dreams529]

Had my last DS at 37 & while not much was said about my age during pregnancy(those comments were more about me continuing to increase the worlds population, blah, blah,blah). I did get a comment after he was born from some woman that I can't stand asking did I realize how OLD I will be when he is 20. My response was I realize & I also know that you will still be that much older than me!!

Point being people will always have something to say if not to you than behind your back. If no one else is raising your children who are they to comment. If you & DH are on the same page & feeling good about your choice than you just have to tune the others out. Really people will comment on anything I am sure that guy, your coworker had a ton of things said to him when he had kids so young. People are just rude & a lot of the things they say are out of their own insecurities.

My Grandma had my youngest Uncle at 45 & she was around till he was in his 40's & they had an amazing relationship. I will be 40 in October so before I have this next one. My Dr. isnt concerned either & I have talked to him many times & I feel good about my choice. Fingers crossed people only have nice things to say but in the event they don't just remember it is only you & DH that have to be OK with adding to your family.

[Jany1025]

As you might know I have my last two babies in the past 2 years at 41 and 43. I will tell you that I heard absolutely no negative comments at all (at least not to my face anyway) and in fact I had friends and mutual friends stalking me to find out who my RE was. I was shocked over how many women in their early 40s wanted to be pregnant, and a few that had tubal ligation after their last pregnancy.

I think its all good if you want another go for it. People will have a reason to gossip/bitch whatever no matter what. Follow your heart and be happy.

I wish you all the luck!

[ever hopeful]

I had NO negative comments whatsoever and I didn't start having my children until I was 38, and three of them in my 40s, with DD born just before I was 46 and DH is 5 years older than me! Admitedly, I don't think I look my age, so lots of my newish Mummy friends think that I'm the same age as them - in their early 40s. Maybe it's more of a UK thing, but from erxperience I've found that the most of the women I know and at my children's schools, didn't start having their kids until mid 30's with lots late 30s/early 40s as most had serious careers beforehand. I'm not sure I know anyone who had them in their 20s. My OB (same for all 4) wasn't at all bothered either about my age .....My Mum had me when she was 45 and was around and very active until a month before she died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 38 and throughout my childhood much more involved and fun than other parents who were almost two decades younger than her! Good luck and go for it. x

[Pbn3]

Personally, when I got my bfp last December (age 37) I was very worried about my families reaction. When I had an early mc it no longer mattered. I told them all what had happened after awhile as I couldn't take the 'everything's great' phone calls anymore and explained how worried I was intially about how they would react but when I lost the pregnancy that I no longer cared. They all (two sisters and one brother) were very supportive and all expressed they would have welcomed a 3rd niece/nephew and would never have said otherwise. I think we assume too much sometimes what other people will think and put far too much stock in it. Go for it while you can, embrace the positive feedback and shrug off/disregard the negative (if any). Life is too short to worry about what the naysayers 'might' say. Bugger em' I say! :)

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[MrsGoodies]

Everhopeful,

You had your last baby before turning 46? How totally awesome!

Did you have any losses in your 40's? I have had 3 mc since 40 and very discouraging Drs so your story has given me hope! :)

[oceancitymom]

I had NO negative comments whatsoever and I didn't start having my children until I was 38, and three of them in my 40s, with DD born just before I was 46 and DH is 5 years older than me! Admitedly, I don't think I look my age, so lots of my newish Mummy friends think that I'm the same age as them - in their early 40s. Maybe it's more of a UK thing, but from erxperience I've found that the most of the women I know and at my children's schools, didn't start having their kids until mid 30's with lots late 30s/early 40s as most had serious careers beforehand. I'm not sure I know anyone who had them in their 20s. My OB (same for all 4) wasn't at all bothered either about my age .....My Mum had me when she was 45 and was around and very active until a month before she died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 38 and throughout my childhood much more involved and fun than other parents who were almost two decades younger than her! Good luck and go for it. x

I loved this post. Thank you!

[atomic sagebrush]

I also didn't have any negative comments at 39 and 41/42 (with the exception of my father in law who was in the early stages of dementia and had just found out he was dying at only 67). I know people had their doubts and probably still do, but no one said anything per se. The doctors were really nice and supportive.

Sounds like Janet may have pulled it off too!

The thing that is so silly about it is that lifespan and (more importantly) quality of life has improved drastically. It wasn't uncommon for people to die younger and be infirm for much longer than they are nowadays. And even nowadays people do just pass away even in their 20's and 30's, there's no getting around that. It does happen, unfortunately.

I think it's all part and parcel of this modern trend where somehow if children aren't brought into this absolutely magical ideal perfectly perfect scenario in life that means you shouldn't have them. It's nonsensical when you stop to think about it because the ideal seems to get more and more out of reach and impossible to achieve until we're having 1000 dollar birthday parties with bouncy castles for one year olds LOL.

[atomic sagebrush]

I had NO negative comments whatsoever and I didn't start having my children until I was 38, and three of them in my 40s, with DD born just before I was 46 and DH is 5 years older than me! Admitedly, I don't think I look my age, so lots of my newish Mummy friends think that I'm the same age as them - in their early 40s. Maybe it's more of a UK thing, but from erxperience I've found that the most of the women I know and at my children's schools, didn't start having their kids until mid 30's with lots late 30s/early 40s as most had serious careers beforehand. I'm not sure I know anyone who had them in their 20s. My OB (same for all 4) wasn't at all bothered either about my age .....My Mum had me when she was 45 and was around and very active until a month before she died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 38 and throughout my childhood much more involved and fun than other parents who were almost two decades younger than her! Good luck and go for it. x

There is really something to this because I found that my mom, who had me at 25, and then had my brother and sister in her late 30's, was too busy working and raising younger kids to really even be there for me when I was raising my older kids (that I also had when I was 21 and 25). She is much more present now at around 70 than she was then. I could BE her really and have a grandbaby now, and I have to admit I"d be hard pressed to be that helpful because I'm still working and raising MY younger kids. It may be even BETTER depending on the stage of life you're in, to have kids at older ages.

[atomic sagebrush]

Had my last DS at 37 & while not much was said about my age during pregnancy(those comments were more about me continuing to increase the worlds population, blah, blah,blah). I did get a comment after he was born from some woman that I can't stand asking did I realize how OLD I will be when he is 20. My response was I realize & I also know that you will still be that much older than me!!

Point being people will always have something to say if not to you than behind your back. If no one else is raising your children who are they to comment. If you & DH are on the same page & feeling good about your choice than you just have to tune the others out. Really people will comment on anything I am sure that guy, your coworker had a ton of things said to him when he had kids so young. People are just rude & a lot of the things they say are out of their own insecurities.

My Grandma had my youngest Uncle at 45 & she was around till he was in his 40's & they had an amazing relationship. I will be 40 in October so before I have this next one. My Dr. isnt concerned either & I have talked to him many times & I feel good about my choice. Fingers crossed people only have nice things to say but in the event they don't just remember it is only you & DH that have to be OK with adding to your family.

Yeah I also felt way more pressure about being a "breeder" than I ever had over my age!

I had tons of comments being a young mom too. I was blessed/cursed with a baby face and EVERYONE and their dog had something to say about teen moms (which I wasn't) and this and that and how they couldn't possibly handle a baby at 21 or 25. That was a jillion times worse.

[girliedreamz]

I agree 100% with atomic! I had my first son at 23, and I also was very young looking at that time. I got comments all the time from people who thought I as the nanny. lol! They'd have a horrified look on their face when I told them he was actually mine.

I'm preg with my 4th now at 39, and I haven't gotten a single comment. It may also have to do with where I live. I'm in the Silicon Valley, and a lot of women my age have put off family and kids in favor of career and are having kids later in life. Even more so for the men! A lot of the fathers in my son's kindergarten class are old enough to be grandfathers. Men waiting until their 40s at to have kids around here is the norm.

I'm probably still a bit on the older side, even in this area, but I know at least 3 other women from my high school graduating class who are either pregnant or have young babies/toddlers right now. So it's not that uncommon!

[BunnyGirl19]

I've gotten comments about my age, but mostly as it relates to number of kids. I'm 35 now, but look 25. I'll have 6 kids when I'm done with this pregnancy. People comment I'm too young to have so many kids. For the most part though, I just get comments solely over how many I have, the irresponsibility of being a breeder, etc. There is also the assumption that we receive public assistance because of it, which couldn't be farther from the truth as we're somewhere in the top 10% for income (not that we're wealthy considering how darned expensive everything is).

[atomic sagebrush]

I agree 100% with atomic! I had my first son at 23, and I also was very young looking at that time. I got comments all the time from people who thought I as the nanny. lol! They'd have a horrified look on their face when I told them he was actually mine.

I'm preg with my 4th now at 39, and I haven't gotten a single comment. It may also have to do with where I live. I'm in the Silicon Valley, and a lot of women my age have put off family and kids in favor of career and are having kids later in life. Even more so for the men! A lot of the fathers in my son's kindergarten class are old enough to be grandfathers. Men waiting until their 40s at to have kids around here is the norm.

I'm probably still a bit on the older side, even in this area, but I know at least 3 other women from my high school graduating class who are either pregnant or have young babies/toddlers right now. So it's not that uncommon!

Yeah I would have people walk right up to me and say "I hope you're that baby's sister!" and then when I'd say no people actually demanded to see my driver's license, not once, not twice, but thrice LOL. I'm like WTF really??? Yeah I'll just whip that right out and show you, total stranger. And then a lot of snooty remarks from doctor's offices and stuff like that along the lines of "well, I certainly wasn't ready to have a child when I was 21". Well, I was. Sorry you were so terribly immature LOL.

It prepared me well for gender related rude remarks which even at their worst could never hold a candle to any of those things.

[atomic sagebrush]

I've gotten comments about my age, but mostly as it relates to number of kids. I'm 35 now, but look 25. I'll have 6 kids when I'm done with this pregnancy. People comment I'm too young to have so many kids. For the most part though, I just get comments solely over how many I have, the irresponsibility of being a breeder, etc. There is also the assumption that we receive public assistance because of it, which couldn't be farther from the truth as we're somewhere in the top 10% for income (not that we're wealthy considering how darned expensive everything is).

People are so f#ing rude!!

You know what really ticks me off about the "breeder" angle is that in my family, tons of my and my husband's relatives are childless by choice/circumstance or only had one or two kid(s) per couple. Even if we had had 20 kids, our family overall would still have lost population significantly. Our 5 kids are like a drop in the bucket, at the turn of the century our family was way huge compared to the size of our kids' generation. And more so in my family (DH had a lot of cousins and stuff so even tho his sister is childless by choice, he does have cousins) I have barely any genetic relatives - my sister is childless by choice, there is only me to keep that part of the family alive. People think they are seeing this entire vision of your family but it's just a tiny snapshot.

[Shannshaff]

People are so f#ing rude!!

You know what really ticks me off about the "breeder" angle is that in my family, tons of my and my husband's relatives are childless by choice/circumstance or only had one or two kid(s) per couple. Even if we had had 20 kids, our family overall would still have lost population significantly. Our 5 kids are like a drop in the bucket, at the turn of the century our family was way huge compared to the size of our kids' generation. And more so in my family (DH had a lot of cousins and stuff so even tho his sister is childless by choice, he does have cousins) I have barely any genetic relatives - my sister is childless by choice, there is only me to keep that part of the family alive. People think they are seeing this entire vision of your family but it's just a tiny snapshot.

Oh man do I agree with this! The breeder comments are just RUDE! The funny thing is, at work, they keep asking me if I am going to have anymore! I am 40 now - so if we are lucky enough to have another child, I know it will be the last one. But I also know my family will make the rude comments about another child. They have already made comments that the 10mo should be our last one. Well, really, I am the only one in my family to have kids. My one brother has none by choice and the other was not able to have any with his wife after many years of trying. So I really don't have that many children for the family. So out of the 6 siblings (including the spouses) - there are only 4 in the next generation.
I do not count the child that I gave up for adoption, but he is an only child, so that family is also smaller in the next generation.

[atomic sagebrush]

It does get to me sometimes, the family angle of it. Certain elements of my family are SO unsupportive and negative. They get peeved at us for being financially not able to do things like fly across the country and visit, not having fancy house or cars, not sending the kids to fabulous lessons and camps and opportunities (which I'd love to do of course but they cost too much for ONE kid let alone 5) etc etc etc but we're the only ones raising the kids for the whole lot of them!! WHY would we be able to have the lifestyle and free time of a childless couple? Why should this be held against us when really we are doing the heavy lifting for the entire family while the rest of them fly off to Jamaica or Thailand or wherever they're going this week. I feel like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men lamenting how anyone dare criticize the job I'm doing standing alone on the wall of childrearing when I'm doing it for everyone. :/ I'm not asking for help, just not being judgemental and critical.

[bigbump]

I have had some very negative reactions to my pregnancies on lots of levels. I've never had any negative reactions about my age though. I was 36 and 39 when I had my boys.

I've had negative reactions bc my husband had 3 children before we married. Mainly from his family. His parents have said some awful things. 'We don't want any more grandchildren' 'he can't have any more children, it's ridiculous!' and various other comments that completely dismissed my feelings on motherhood. Those both particularly stung.

The worst was my step daughter. She was 17 at the time. 'I don't want my dad to have any more children. He's too old and it's disgusting....' That really hurt. When we got pregnant she cried and wouldn't even look at me. I treated her kindly bc she was only 17 and had had a lot to deal with, but I was hurt too. I'd taken on so much, and willingly and happily done so. I felt as though despite this my children wouldn't be welcomed into the family. It was a bit of a slap in the face.

Now we get all the digs about large families. My husband has 5, although 2 are grown up. I laugh it off but it's a bit harsh really, I only have 2 of my own! I don't feel it's excessive to want 2 kids of my own. 3 however...there's a lead balloon waiting to go down...




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[oceancitymom]

I have had some very negative reactions to my pregnancies on lots of levels. I've never had any negative reactions about my age though. I was 36 and 39 when I had my boys.

I've had negative reactions bc my husband had 3 children before we married. Mainly from his family. His parents have said some awful things. 'We don't want any more grandchildren' 'he can't have any more children, it's ridiculous!' and various other comments that completely dismissed my feelings on motherhood. Those both particularly stung.

The worst was my step daughter. She was 17 at the time. 'I don't want my dad to have any more children. He's too old and it's disgusting....' That really hurt. When we got pregnant she cried and wouldn't even look at me. I treated her kindly bc she was only 17 and had had a lot to deal with, but I was hurt too. I'd taken on so much, and willingly and happily done so. I felt as though despite this my children wouldn't be welcomed into the family. It was a bit of a slap in the face.

Now we get all the digs about large families. My husband has 5, although 2 are grown up. I laugh it off but it's a bit harsh really, I only have 2 of my own! I don't feel it's excessive to want 2 kids of my own. 3 however...there's a lead balloon waiting to go down...




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Wow, that sounds really tough. Bless you for continuing to be kind to the 17-year-old - that must have taken the patience of Job. I'm glad your husband was able to ignore his family's rude comments. He must adore you.

[bigbump]

Thank you. He is a keeper! And an amazing dad. In fairness his family are lovely too in the main, just people are thoughtless sometimes. If I'd met him earlier is have had more children for sure. I love the whole big family thing. 2 was what we planned in light of the 3 he already had and our ages. At the end of the day it's no one else's business what you decide as a couple for your family unit. Do what is right for you and don't look back oceancitymom.

P.s. My husband is 52 and our youngest is 10 months old. So 44/45 sounds quite young to me!


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[atomic sagebrush]

I just want to thank you BB for being kind to your stepdaughter. My stepmom has always been very kind to me and it really, really has meant a lot over my life - I really admire those of you who treat their stepchildren with compassion. :heart:

[bigbump]

I was a stepchild too Atomic. It makes me a more understanding stepmum. I love my stepkids. It's not their fault they have a complex family.

Thanks though, that was nice to hear.


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