Is better to not find out sex till birth if wanting specific gender ?

[Nat8625]

So we have three beautiful girls already so I'm truly blessed I'm pregnant with an unexpected 4th pregnancy. We thought we were done I know deep down hubby is praying for a boy this is our last one. We decided to not find out till birth is this a mistake ? I figured the disappointment will be greater if it's an ultrasound rather then seeing and holding the baby for the first time? I'm happy no matter what it is more hubby I'm worried about


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[familymatters]

For me, I'm so glad I found out at the ultrasound with DS2. I was convinced he was a girl and to learn he was a little boy at 20 weeks meant I could have my little sook and get over it. I bought some cute clothes, picked his name and decorated his nursery. By the time he arrived I was so excited to welcome him into our family. I feel like if I hadn't had found out, I would have been a whole jumble of emotions at the birth. Happy and disappointed at the same time, all the while trying to not let it show - then throw in some post birth hormones and it sounds like a nightmare to me! Each to their own, but I was very relieved to have dealt with my emotions before he arrived.

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[Beau82]

This is one of those questions I'm so torn on.
I only found out the sex with two of my boys, first and fourth. I wasn't leaning one way or another with DS1 and was just excited to be having a baby. With 2 & 3, I didn't really care. I was sort of hoping for another boy with DS2 b/c I really wanted to have boys together. With #3, I knew we were planning on a fourth anyway so I didn't care although I was sort of thinking girl. I had no GD when he was born, not even a lick of it. He was my fastest labour and everything happened so fast that when they put him in my arms, I was just in awe of this little guy who couldn't wait to join us (popped my tailbone he came out so fast!). DH admitted to me a year later that he had a bit of GD b/c he really thought we were having a girl.

With my fourth, I had myself convinced that it was finally our girl and I begged DH to do a 3D ultrasound at a private clinic b/c I was so sure it was a girl that I just couldn't wait to announce it to everyone. When the 3D tech said boy I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I fought back tears on the way home b/c my 3 boys were in the car as well and then I went straight upstairs to cry in bed. I then decided that the tech must have been wrong (she looked for a few minutes and didn't get a good potty shot) so I then worked up some hope that I was baking a girl. I had another scan done a few weeks later where I clearly saw his twig and berries and then dealt with GD all over again. It was a total rollercoaster for me. After that I wondered often if I made a mistake by finding out early. I did get over it before he was born but I wonder if his birth would have been more like DS3's and I would have just been so happy that it was done and over with that I wouldn't have cared one iota what was between his legs.

I will say that the births I look back most fondly on are DS2's and DS3's, the two where we decided to be surprised. It was fun to not decide on a name until we were looking at their faces. DS3 ended up being born on his great grandfather's birthday so that is his middle name.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

[tata]

I have 2 boys . I always thought I was going to have 3 kids . When I got preg of my second boy I was a bit disappointed but it was not as bad as right now . This is my last pregnancy and because you know it's your last it's harder to deal with the disappointment . I m having really strong feelings that this baby I have is a boy . I'm still waiting to find out in a couple more days . I think it's better to grieve the dream of having the desired gender and eventually move on . I think the disappointment at the delivery day would be a bigger hit . I don't know but that my opinion .


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[Nat8625]

Thanks guys some good points there


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[mandyp85]

When I was pregnant with my 4th baby I was desperate for a girl, nub theory said boy but I held on to the hope of a girl and we kept it a surprise and I can honestly say, and I hate myself for it, that I found it difficult when he was born, I had all these emotions flying around, I loved him dearly but I was struggling with the "loss" of the girl I hoped I was having. It sounds terrible as I love him dearly, the same as all my other children. I actually swayed girl for my 5th baby, didn't wanna know what we were having but then at our anatomy scan we saw his goods and there was no denying he was a boy and I dealt with all my feelings by the time he was born and I didn't feel any sadness and I think when I get pregnant next time I will find out again. Having the hope of a girl with my 4th kept alive all the way to the end of my pregnancy for me was a bad thing as it just meant that disappointment was felt when he was born, which is actually really sad. I hope all that makes sense but if I get pregnant again that I would definitely want to know again.

[ever hopeful]

I didn't find out with any of my boys (DD is HT) and it's fair to say I was totally devastated when DS3 was born (in my heart of hearts I thought he was a boy, but kept secretly hoping and praying for a girl). My Ob who delivered all 4 said to me when I was pg with DD, that he has never seen anyone quite so upset in theatre....and I thought I held it together really really well until I was back in the room on my own with DH and DS3 when I sobbed and sobbed. I hated being pg, so not sure how I would have coped for the last 24 weeks if I had known he was a boy. Fair to say I loved him to bits and he's the most wonderful little boy, but I was just so so upset that I thought it meant I'd never get my girl as we had decided 3 was our limit (had to perswuade DH to go for 3). Good luck with your choice and hope you get your son. xx

[Throwaway_panther]

My answer should be taken with a grain of salt, since I'm pregnant with my first (who was not my desired sex, but I didn't know about swaying until already pregnant) and about to give birth (so haven't even yet experienced this magical bonding I've heard so much about!).

I'm very glad I found out before I gave birth. I wanted a boy -- desperately. A lot of very complicated emotional and traumatic factors went into me not wanting a girl, and yet we're having a girl.

We decided to keep the sex to ourselves for a variety of reasons (and probably will do so for any subsequent children).

98% of people think I'm having a boy. My mom is convinced I'm having a boy. Random strangers have even opened conversation with me with, "So having a boy, eh?!" People have ARGUED with me when I've said, "Ehh, I think it's a girl though ;)" with, "No. It's definitely a boy. I'm never wrong, etc."

I can't imagine having had all of these outside comments + my own obsessiveness over gender be dashed as soon as the baby was born. I'd have been devastated. And as devastated as I was by the anatomy scan confirming it was a girl, even having an ultrasound yesterday at 39w6d (where yes, confirmed again baby was a girl), I had NO pangs. My GD definitely still flairs something fierce from unrelated things (going until due date, etc. etc.), but not nearly as bad as back then. And to have had all of that worked through before birth has left me more focus on: future sways, being able to care for my daughter when she IS here, NOT have to work through so many of my underlying issues when she is here and I have no time (since I did so much therapy work while pregnant), etc.

So, my thoughts are generally: find out sooner, because as much as it can "ruin" pregnancy to have all those feelings, I'd much rather have a set amount of time of stress/sadness than to have to wrestle with it when the little one is actually here (and things get even HARDER, PPD, etc.)

[carmella_marie]

There is no way I could make it to birth lol. When I found out my second was a boy at the 16 week US I went into some serious depression. I needed time to get over it before he was born. Thankfully I did and was able to enjoy him as a newborn because I had made my peace with it.

[atomic sagebrush]

I think you guys should find out and give him time to adjust. The last thing you need when you've just given birth is having to deal with his emotional state. For we ladies, we have that nice rush of mama hormones to get us over the gender disappointment but hubby is not so lucky and I think he would benefit from the time to wrap his brain around it before he needs to be there at 110% to help you welcome your new little one. :)

Good luck and blue dust.

[atomic sagebrush]

to answer this question for me personally, I had no gender pref. with DS 1 and 2 (actually wanted a boy with DS 1 and just lucky and got him, but would have been happy with a girl too) and I didn't find out with them. I thought DS 3 was a girl. I would have bet a million dollars on it, and I am SO thankful I found out with him because I had the time to adjust. I would have hated to be crying and stuff in the delivery room and I know I would have because I was so convinced I was having a girl. Not only because of GD but also because i would have had another 20 weeks to make an a$$ out of myself telling everyone how I "just knew" it was a girl. With DS 4 it was an accidental pregnancy when I'd taken a month off swaying and I needed to know. With DD, again I just "had a feeling" it was a girl but still wanted to find out esp. after what had happened with DS 3!!

So, long story short, I personally think it's better to find out when you have any very strong gender preference for either partner. I think men often get short shrift with their gender preferences and very little consideration so I'd try to put myself in his place and imagine you may be having your 4th son and desperately wanted a daughter - it really can help to have that down time before the baby arrives.

[trifecta]

I would always rather just rip off the band-aid and find out.

[Navywife620]

I found out with ds1,2,and3. I don't want to go through the holding back tears during an ultrasound again. For our fourth I plan on not finding out. I can't handle what you are having questions and then the apologies after I tell them another boy. I plan on going into my next pregnancy already thinking its a boy and at delivery if I get my long awaited daughter I'll be shocked.

[retialla]

I think this a very good question and I have pondered it myself. For my third pregnancy, after 2 boys, I definitely wanted to find out. But now after having each gender, I am not finding out for my last baby. And I feel pretty ambivalent about the gender, I'd be happy with either at this point. After all we have been through with my DD, we just want a healthy baby. It gave me a new perspective.

I have all the clothes and stuff for either gender, there is really nothing to prepare for. So I think Team Green might work best if you don't have a strong preference or if you already have a mixed family. Like others have said, it would be hard to come to terms with the disappointment once the baby arrives and it's not what you had hoped for. It's such an intense build-up of emotions. And the first few weeks postpartum can be so challenging emotionally (baby blues). But if finding out early would just ruin the whole pregnancy for you, perhaps it'd be best to wait?

I also wouldn't blame a mama for finding out the gender and choosing not to share it with anyone other than their partner. Because the comments can be so obnoxious if it's another of the same gender. But once the baby arrives people seem to be a little more tactful. Same with the name. That's why we haven't shared any of our baby names until they're on the birth cert.

[Roma Rose]

We found out with boy no. 3, and it did mean a roller coaster of emotions during pregnancy that really wasn't very nice. But I didn't want that to happen at the birth, and I knew in my heart that it would happen, despite having a lovely newborn to distract me. I had that to a lesser extent with boy no. 2 - we found out at birth and there was definitely several conflicted weeks of adjusting to the fact that he wasn't my girl. So I'm glad we found out in advance. Go with your gut, if it's telling you it will be easier to find out at birth, do that. If you have the feeling you could do with advance warning, do that.

[momamia4]

I found out with all 4 of my sons. I really thought DS1 was a girl and cried because I knew DH wanted a boy. He got lucky! :) I was happy about DS2 because I wanted DS1 to have a brother. Then with DS3, I was convinced again that I was having a girl because the ultrasound tech could never get a good shot of his parts. I went the whole pregnancy convinced I was having a girl. I had horrible gender disappointment with him and then he died at 15 weeks. I still regret the gender disappointment I had for his whole short life. With DS4, I was convinced that God would not take away my son just to give me another one. When I found out he was a boy at the 20 week ultrasound, I was completely devastated. I really appreciated having the 22 weeks (he was 2 weeks overdue) to adjust to the idea of another son. DS4 is my biggest mamma's boy! He is my most snuggly kiddo. I think God gave him to me to help me through all of my depression/emotions from losing DS3. I highly suggest finding out. It gives you the time you need to accept it.

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm so sorry MM - I know another woman who went through that exact same experience. :heart:

[agmegs02]

This is how I feel about getting pregnant the 3rd go round and not finding out-just too many emotions to deal with if we are disappointed...not sure we would be. But you get it...

[Throwaway_panther]

I wonder what she ended up having...

[ChezIBY]

I wonder what she ended up having...

Me too, but she never said and she never said if she found out the gender in advance!!! arrrrgghhh, the suspense....

[atomic sagebrush]

She never came back to update, unfortunately. She just posted this one time and then that was it.

[Pronoia]

Still a valid question.

With DD1, we were told the wrong sex in a very early US (12 weeks). I'd prepared for a boy throughout the pregnancy and was then crushed to find out that she was in fact a she, even though I'd originally wanted a girl, sort of, whatever. I felt like I'd lost a child I'd been preparing for. Weird.

With DD2, I really wanted that boy. I'm not sure I'd have so much 'gender desire' ever if not for that 'lost' boy brought on by the US mistake. So I obsessed over wanting a boy but never asked for the sex. She was born amazing and big and healthy and beautiful and it was a great birth experience.

With DS, the US was WRONG AGAIN. What are the chances?! I was expecting a third girl, and it didn't matter as much, because it was a high-risk pregnancy and I was down anyway. It ended in an emergency C-section and he was a preemie. It was so urgent it had to be under general anaesthesia. When they woke me up they said it was a boy and that was a shock. A kind of positive one, that was a good little thing in a sea of bad stuff. Like, we're all in for a lot of heartache and pain, but we now have a boy too, which is fun, new, and good. Sounds horrible now, but that's what I felt while shivering and passing out after the C-section.

So, I guess I'd advise against an ultrasound. A child is always a pleasant surprise, whatever's between their legs. They're all unique. And great.

[atomic sagebrush]

Thanks for this, Pronoia. People being told gender too early (12 weeks is too early) I think is a huge contributing factor to gender disappointment and I think it's downright criminal that some ultrasound techs are just tossing that info out there like some kind of guarantee for people.

[ChezIBY]

Still a valid question.

With DD1, we were told the wrong sex in a very early US (12 weeks). I'd prepared for a boy throughout the pregnancy and was then crushed to find out that she was in fact a she, even though I'd originally wanted a girl, sort of, whatever. I felt like I'd lost a child I'd been preparing for. Weird.

With DD2, I really wanted that boy. I'm not sure I'd have so much 'gender desire' ever if not for that 'lost' boy brought on by the US mistake. So I obsessed over wanting a boy but never asked for the sex. She was born amazing and big and healthy and beautiful and it was a great birth experience.

With DS, the US was WRONG AGAIN. What are the chances?! I was expecting a third girl, and it didn't matter as much, because it was a high-risk pregnancy and I was down anyway. It ended in an emergency C-section and he was a preemie. It was so urgent it had to be under general anaesthesia. When they woke me up they said it was a boy and that was a shock. A kind of positive one, that was a good little thing in a sea of bad stuff. Like, we're all in for a lot of heartache and pain, but we now have a boy too, which is fun, new, and good. Sounds horrible now, but that's what I felt while shivering and passing out after the C-section.

So, I guess I'd advise against an ultrasound. A child is always a pleasant surprise, whatever's between their legs. They're all unique. And great.

Agree with you, a hundred percent!! The question is still valid. And oh my gosh, they were wrong TWICE for you? What are the odds indeed! You're quite the champ, soldiering through all of that... Thanks so much for sharing your feedback, because I am wondering about next time around - I do plan to sway, but am actually considering swaying and then not finding out the gender till D-day to avoid feeling disappointed if the sway 'fails' and having to answer everyone's questions. (Cause hopefully one is so happy once D-day rolls round that the 'disappointment' passes one by? Though it depends on the woman apparently, some here have mentioned that they'd always prefer to find out right away, like ripping a band-aid off).

Mind if I ask whether you are still swaying for a future child or just hanging out on the forums? Always appreciate reading stories of women who've been there and done that :)

[laurelw]

Im going to get them to write the gender down at the scan so I can read at home in private and cry and deal with it there if needed


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[Pronoia]

Agree with you, a hundred percent!! The question is still valid. And oh my gosh, they were wrong TWICE for you? What are the odds indeed! You're quite the champ, soldiering through all of that... Thanks so much for sharing your feedback, because I am wondering about next time around - I do plan to sway, but am actually considering swaying and then not finding out the gender till D-day to avoid feeling disappointed if the sway 'fails' and having to answer everyone's questions. (Cause hopefully one is so happy once D-day rolls round that the 'disappointment' passes one by? Though it depends on the woman apparently, some here have mentioned that they'd always prefer to find out right away, like ripping a band-aid off).

Mind if I ask whether you are still swaying for a future child or just hanging out on the forums? Always appreciate reading stories of women who've been there and done that :)

Sorry to only reply now - I was a member of several similar forums during my second and third pregnancies and now just visit very occasionally. It's just amazing how much the perspective can shift and I guess I tend to come back as a reminder of how focused I was on something that I no longer even remember - yes, because I got the boy, not despite not getting one, but still I wonder about the obsession. I now look at all-boy and all-girl families and they all seem just beautiful.

[atomic sagebrush]

Congrats! Hope your little boy is doing well.

[Throwaway_panther]

Sorry to only reply now - I was a member of several similar forums during my second and third pregnancies and now just visit very occasionally. It's just amazing how much the perspective can shift and I guess I tend to come back as a reminder of how focused I was on something that I no longer even remember - yes, because I got the boy, not despite not getting one, but still I wonder about the obsession. I now look at all-boy and all-girl families and they all seem just beautiful.

This is such a lovely statement.

I am so envious of you though. I know exactly what you mean and I can't wait until I'm finally finished with this journey. I can't wait to look at all boy families and not feel bitter and jealous, because I myself will finally have my boy.

[2curlydolls]

With dd3 the hope and praying it had to be a boy kept me going throughout the pregnancy . When she was born I was happy yes she was healthy and all went well , but it was also a sad day and such a blur the next 3-4 months as my disappointment overwhelmed me . Unfortunately it has tanted her birth and given me birth trauma. I feel like a bad mum everyday for feeling like this. It is a very hard decision.

[ChezIBY]

This is such a lovely statement.

I am so envious of you though. I know exactly what you mean and I can't wait until I'm finally finished with this journey. I can't wait to look at all boy families and not feel bitter and jealous, because I myself will finally have my boy.

*Fervently* May we all get to that place eventually, where Pronoia is now!

Though Panther, when I take a good look at your signature I guess I really have nothing to complain about - those flowers in your signature :( You really are the strong one <3

[ChezIBY]

With dd3 the hope and praying it had to be a boy kept me going throughout the pregnancy . When she was born I was happy yes she was healthy and all went well , but it was also a sad day and such a blur the next 3-4 months as my disappointment overwhelmed me . Unfortunately it has tanted her birth and given me birth trauma. I feel like a bad mum everyday for feeling like this. It is a very hard decision.

:( !!! Aw shucks Curly! How old is DD3 now? How are you doing? Take care of yourself!

[Throwaway_panther]

*Fervently* May we all get to that place eventually, where Pronoia is now!

Though Panther, when I take a good look at your signature I guess I really have nothing to complain about - those flowers in your signature :( You really are the strong one <3

Thank you Chez. I wish I could say I was, but I'm not. I've isolated myself from everyone, am planning to skip the holidays because I can't bear to be around pregnant family. I'm a coward, if anything. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and being around them brings so much pain. I was feeling brief peace when we scheduled our IVF consult, but now I feel anxious and sad about that, too, after reading success rates.

It's hard to think how I first came here thinking the world was my fertile oyster. I never thought I'd be in this place.

[atomic sagebrush]

:heart: this WILL happen, I promise.

[2curlydolls]

Hi chez , my GD is stronger as the time goes on now my youngest is 13 months old . I will never get over it unless I do something about it . Hence why I am here! So sorry Panther for all your losses. Stay hopeful , that's what keeps us going through the tough times.

[ChezIBY]

Panther, I can't begin to imagine how you feel, so I am sorry if what I say will be useless. But i'll try: do whatever makes you feel best, or less down at least. If you don't feel like being around family for the holidays don't!! Not wanting to hurt anymore isn't being a coward. For crissake, you've had more than your share!! And, while I can't say anything about ivf, I have one thought that I hope can help you: I wanted a somewhat unusual career for myself once i'd left college but I was scared i'd not succeed so my first question to the school's career advisor was 'what is the percentage of our school's graduates who make it in that field?' she just looked at me all odd and went, 'what do you care about the statistics? You just need the one win.' Panther, you just need to get lucky once, hang the statistics and don't torture yourself reading them!! My thoughts go out to you <3

[ChezIBY]

Hi chez , my GD is stronger as the time goes on now my youngest is 13 months old . I will never get over it unless I do something about it . Hence why I am here! So sorry Panther for all your losses. Stay hopeful , that's what keeps us going through the tough times.

You've got the right attitude Curly :)

[Geek Mama]

I did not find out with both of my kids. I really felt that my second was a girl because everything about my pregnancy was different than the first son. For both, I always had dad announce the gender at birth to me and not anyone else, which made it tender. The second time, in preparation for possible disappointment, the boy name I had picked out was after my favorite (and female) Star Trek character (son’s name is Dax). Also, we didn’t share out names with anyone, and when he was born, I made the announcement of his name to my mom and doula and then posted to the rest of the world. Helped me feel connected to him. When I saw him, I was in love. He was my baby. I would not have taken a girl in exchange for him. I think part of that bonding we did was bonding during pregnancy as Mom and baby-not gender. My DH feels strongly about not finding out because he says he like bonding with the baby as just baby. It’s the only time we really can have a genderless knowing of our kids. Also, he likes the idea of communicating the message to our kids that we didn’t need to know and they all had the same experience on some level. DH teaches me so much about my own feminism. We gave every kid a geeky nickname to bond and be sweet over (first was Stormaggedon from Doctor Who, next was Short Round from Indiana Jones, and this pregnancy is Slimer from Ghostbusters). I did have feelings after birth, but the preparation I did helped nothing be in the way of being a mama. Then, I had to allow myself my feelings about what I didn’t have, and realistically, may never. I learned it was separate from my feelings about what I have because my sons are treasures.

Still, I am nervous as hell this time because I really swayed hard. I do anxious regularly anyway, but I work hard on rolling with my feels. That does not make me broken. Anyway, as far as what anyone else should do...that’s their own answer. We need to explore our hearts, our situations, our partners-all of which are different. Part of that exploration is community and talking to others to clarify our hearts. Then, make your decision in recognition that it is more than likely not possible to avoid difficult feelings. So, prepare, make coping plans, have support, and be with your feelings. Also, PPD was mentioned. Possible for depression to develop during pregnancy or postpartum. Finding out or not doesn’t mean you are or aren’t more likely to have it. It very much depends on the individual. Also, it may occur without gender disappointment. Often does. I think I would have been depressed during pregnancy if I found out rather than bond with Short Round.

Lots of love and luck. I think I will be seeking support from other moms here not finding out this time too.