My story.

[Serenity]

I will never have a daughter.

These are the words that keep echoing through my mind.

I can't quite believe it, I can't quite adjust to it. It's like I don't even really understand the concept.

I hate myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be happy with my boys? They are beautiful, sweet, smart, caring boys. They love their mommy and I love them. Why can't I just take them to Disneyland and be done with it?

MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T EXIST. She never did. Why can't I get this through my thick skull?

I'm so angry at myself for allowing this to take me over. For allowing hope to take me over. I've never been the lucky one, why would it be any different this time? Why am I putting myself through this, when it will probably end in miscarriage or another lovely boy who I will bond with fiercely and tenderly, but who still won't be my daughter?

I miss her so much. I've been waiting for her all of my life. She was my hope in dark places, when I was just a child growing up in hell. She's what got me through and made me survive. She's always been my rainbow, my light at the end of a very long and scary tunnel.

My father was a very sick man. He did things to me and my siblings that I don't talk about with anyone but my therapist, because I don't want to traumatize people with the knowledge of what I went through. My mom left us for awhile when I was 11 years old, so at that time it was just us and him. I wanted to die for most of my childhood, but I encouraged myself to survive for the hope of a better future.

I had a friend when I was a child who had a beautiful home and kind and loving parents. I slept over at her house one night and couldn't believe how lovely everything was. She slept in an upstairs bedroom with a cathedral ceiling. She had nice clothes and ate pancakes for breakfast. Her mom laughed and joked with her, and her dad was gentle. It was really all too good to be true, except that it was true, for her. She had such a beautiful life.

I didn't consciously envy her much at the time, just a bit, kind of wistfully, but what I did do was make an internal blueprint of her life. I saved it all for my daughter. I decided that my daughter's name would be Sara, just like my friend, and that she would have everything my princess friend had. So I grew up and found a gentle man to love and to marry, I bought a house on an acreage, with upstairs bedrooms with cathedral ceilings, and I got an education and made money so there would be enough for nice clothes and nice things. And then I waited for her.

And she hasn't arrived.

I'm so tired of waiting for her. She seems less and less real as time goes on, like she's fading out of the picture, never to be replaced.

I don't know why I can't just adjust to the reality of my life. I have had princes instead of my princess. They sleep in upstairs rooms with cathedral ceilings. They have nice clothes, and on the weekends they have pancakes or cinnamon buns with icing for breakfast. Their father is gentle and kind, and their mother laughs and jokes with them.

I hate that I didn't get to have a childhood like that, and that I don't get to give that to a little girl, either. I think that was my ultimate plan for healing. I'm not like my father, taking power over others to feel triumphant, so I had to find another way to overcome everything that happened to me. I wanted to turn the past on its head, and watch as my daughter lived out the beautiful life I would have so loved to experience. I truly had no other expectations of her - just that she would be happy, safe, and free, and do with that gift whatever she wished.

Although the past rears its ugly head inside me quite often as I raise my children, I think I have been largely successful at giving them a life I would have wished to have as a child. Why isn't that enough for me?

My daughter would be so loved, so treasured, and so protected. She would have all the space she needs to fly, and a soft, warm place to land. I have so much to give her. She would truly be the luckiest little girl in the whole world. Everything that was in my power to do for her, I would do.

My DH tells me to give this gift to my sons. I am trying. It is harder, somehow...it's like it gets lost in translation. It's like a beautiful room full of pink clothes that I have saved forever inside of me, and now I have to paint them all blue, piece by piece. It hurts to have to do this. I don't want to give it up.

I feel like I need her in my life, to be my happy ending, and to prove to me that I'm not cursed, that I'm not unlucky. That it all really wasn't my fault. That I am good, and capable of being a good mother to a little girl that looks like me. To prove to me that at the end of the day, love wins.

I know I need to be strong enough to believe this no matter what. Even if I never have a daughter, even if someone abuses my boys, even if someone in my lovely new family dies. I need to choose to believe that LOVE WINS. I need to hold on to the strength I have always had, the strength that is only my own and that brought me through the worst things anyone could imagine. I survived all that. Love already won in me, and it wins in me again every day as I mother my children.

Maybe I can be grateful to my daughter for helping me survive, even if I never actually get to meet her. But what I wouldn't give to touch her skin one time. To stroke her hair. To see her eyes. To hold her in my arms, just once. To feel all the evil of the past melt away for good. To tell myself, see, it was worth it. It was worth every second of it. Every horror you survived, all the pain, all the heartbreak, it is truly gone, and IT WAS WORTH IT. Because, look, you made it...here she is. :HH:

[XXforhubby]

Huge hugs! I wish I could tell you it will be ok, but I honestly don't know. I think it's a work in progress. I too had a horrific childhood, except it was my mother that did and allowed unspeakable things happen to me. I've healed from my past and have forgiven her. I have a relationship with her, but I don't allow my kids to have alone time with her. I've seen subtle glimpses of the woman she used to be, and I will never allow them to be alone with her for that very reason.

I never thought I wanted children. I wanted to make sure that I dealt with everything, because they didn't deserve to come into the world with a mom who had hellacious baggage. I had my first child with a leap of faith that I could handle it, because I had done the unspeakable- forgive my mother and allowed the little girl I used to be heal. I prayed to God to give me little boys because I was so afraid I would somehow damage a little girl. While I knew that I would never be the kind of mother my mother was to me, I couldn't bear to let her down, to even raise my voice in fear I would ever go too far, that I would be insensitive her her feelings. Sometimes as mothers life happens. We don't mean to be dismissive but we have to prioritize at times. See, I'm afraid of crossing the line. My mom crossed it and then some. I cannot mention what occurred because it's too horrific. I knew what not to do as a parent, but I lived with someone who wasn't always a monster. I lived with someone who could be nice and appear to have my best interest at heart. Then something would happen and it would end up like a horror movie all of a sudden. I thought that the stress of having little ones at times would be easier somehow if they were little boys. While it has been true to the extent my sons are all I know, I've learned that it didn't matter if I raised boys or girls, children have similar needs and go through similar things. I am proud to say I'm the kind of mother that I always wanted to have. While I make my share of mistakes, I will never be the monster I experienced with my children.

I believe if you want to try again for another baby, I would go for it. It's hard putting yourself out there- it's vulnerable. I can't guarantee you'll get your daughter, but you'll never know if you don't try. Having another little person to love and nurture will hopefully get you through should it be another little boy that joins your family.

Huge hugs and great job at overcoming such adversity! [emoji8]




[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2 [emoji602], & DS3 [emoji577][emoji170]
[emoji166]One last pink sway 2016[emoji166]
My Ovulation Chart (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/579920)

[A Mad Swayentist]

Wow. Beautifully written, Serenity. I can't really say anything because I'm not there (having 0 children right now) but I do know the feeling of a connection to a daughter who doesn't exist.

There may be someone out there who may meet you someday and you will realize she is partly there: a girlfriend of one of your sons. A clear-eyed daughter-in-law blessed with a gentle man for a husband - a man you couldn't have raised without the help of a gentle, loving father. A bubbly, delightful granddaughter. A young friend from church or work struggling with parallels to the ones you struggled with in your own childhood. These are not your daughter who may never exist - and yet these are women to whom you will have a profound and deeper connection to than an imagined daughter, whose existence will always be framed in a way that a real person never could.

Since I know we will only have one or two kids myself, I try and reassure myself that these are the ones we are seeking, even if we end up with two sons: the real women out there who will benefit from our kindness and wisdom and comfort, and who will benefit from our raising strong, good, gentle men who will make the world a better place.

[pink_bean]

I can relate to so much. I wonder if for many of us, that little girl was the inner child who so desperately needed to be loved in the way that we were not as children. We held on to her as a hopeful dream for our whole lives, so of course we grieve never having her. Big hugs.

[signingmommyfor3]

Wow Serenity, you sound just like me. I had a very sick father as well and when my mother did something to protect us we were taken away and given to his parents who were just as bad as him and allowed him to be around. I grew up hating myself and my mother for not being in my life. I want a daughter to be able to give her a life I didn't have. My boys have had it rough with their bio dad, my abusive husband, and I am just now finally being able to protect them legally, but they have had it hard and my husband is different. I wanted a daughter to give a good life and God is giving me another son. I wanted a daughter to have that bond and relationship I didn't have. I even have a spiritual medium that insists I will have 3 boys and a girl, where is she?

[Heart desires pink LP]

Sorry to hear Serenity! That's such a moving story. Hugs to you for being such a great mom! You can be proud of the fact that your boys have 'Sara's magical life'. Have you considered HT/IVF?

[Serenity]

Thanks to all for your replies, and hugs to anyone who feels like I do. It's really tough.

Heart desires, I have considered HT. Right now it's definitely not an option for us, as my husband is not even sure he wants to have another child at all. If I do manage to have another child, it will probably only be with considerable sacrifice on my part - I've told my husband he can have pretty much anything he wants in life if he will go ahead with this for me. If I'm being honest with myself, I think he really doesn't want to have any more kids. He's an excellent father, but it's not the be all and end all for him the way it kind of is for me. He likes fishing and quadding and outdoor stuff, and wants time for all of this. He also finds dealing with the kids pretty stressful. He doesn't like the noise and the fighting and whining that often happens, and there's no way for me to stop the kids from being kids. Things are pretty heartbreaking between us right now. I'm getting sadder and sadder as I come to understand how he feels about things, and he's getting sad, too, as he comes to realize how deeply I feel about this. I love and respect him very much, and I'm not sure how to find a good solution.

signingmommy, xxforhubby, and pinkbean, I'm so sorry you feel this way as well. I'm sorry we all didn't get what we needed as kids. It's not fair, and there's really no replacing what we lost. I'm trying to grieve it as best I can, but it's just so big. I know I need to let it go when I'm able to.

xxforhubby, I think the fact that you are aware that there is a line, and not lying to yourself about that, is the difference between you and your mother. You can't cross a line if you totally, deep down know it's there, YKWIM? I think that's the gift that Sara's family and other positive people in my life gave me...I know what my kids deserve, and I'm determined that they will have it. I'm definitely not a perfect mom, and my kids have been impacted by my history (because of my fears), but they aren't living anything remotely like the life I had to go through, and that's something I am grateful for every day. We are not in contact with my father at all, and actually managed to get him put away for a while because of the things he did.

Swayentist, thank you. I try to tell myself this as well. I think this cuts so deep for me because I've already lost so much...I moved away from my family of origin when I was very young to try to start a new life, so I don't have my mother or sister around, and I'm a very shy, introverted, sensitive person who prefers the company of family over friends, so connecting with female friends is hard for me. I'm working from home right now and have literally no females in my life at all, and it's lonely in a way I didn't bargain for. When I moved away from home, I think I was just thinking about getting away from my father, and didn't realize that I was leaving everyone else at the same time. I'm very sad about all of this, and I'm tired of overcoming. I'm not sure I have much left in me.

[Serenity]

I hope it's OK if I use this thread as my place to process everything that's coming up for me. Maybe it will be of help to someone someday, and it's definitely helping me to get what I feel out into words instead of leaving it trapped inside of me.

So today I was at the grocery store, starving because I'm skipping breakfast for swaying and I hadn't eaten anything yet. I was in line loading up my groceries, and this lady and her daughter got in line behind me. They were really cute, and what was cuter was that they didn't seem to have any idea how TOTALLY FREAKIN' CUTE they were. The girl was maybe 11 or 12, and she looked EXACTLY like her mom. They both had glasses and blond hair, and they were both looking at their cell phones in just the same way as they waited in line. I forgot something I had meant to buy, so I ran back to get it, and when I got back to the line the girl stepped very politely out of my way and smiled at me with a lot of kindness in her face.

Part of me wanted to beat them both to a pulp. Seriously. I wanted to smash their faces in, just for existing, and even more so for daring to get into the same lineup as me when that was the last thing I wanted to see right now.

I'm realizing that I have always been deeply envious and bitter because of the way my childhood played out. I am an envious, bitter, angry person. I am full of hatred and rage towards my father and myself. I want desperately to fix everything that has been broken in my life, but it's all unfixable. I've always felt that living a good life would be the best revenge against everyone who ever harmed me when I was little, but the problem is that I have that now, and it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't change one thing that happened to me. Giving this good life I have built to my children is a profound blessing, but it doesn't satisfy. There is no satisfaction to be had. If I got to hurt my father as much as he hurt me, it would not change anything. It's nothing he hasn't already suffered, of course.

There is nothing that can give me back what I have lost: my innocence, my right to grow up free from harm, my entire childhood that was so dark and twisted and insane, and that should have been what Sara had. Isn't that every child's birthright? Not the clothes, not the fancy house, but just the right to grow up loved, and free from harm? I know it is.

What's ironic about all of this is how lovely my family is being to me right now. I had a long, sobbing talk with my DH the other night about all of this. I told him the story of Sara, and how my dream of a daughter helped get me through my childhood. I talked about all the moments I feel I am losing by not getting to have a mother-daughter relationship with a child of mine. I told him how much I wish to hold my daughter's tiny hand and paint her nails for the first time, and put flowers in her hair. I told him how jealous I am of him, that he has got to have two perfect sons, both of whom share some of his interests, and how hard it is for me to know what to do when they all sit at the beach, digging in the sand together, when I don't like the outdoors much and hate getting my hands dirty. He told me gently that I do need to come dig in the dirt with them ("join the pack" is how he put it), and I know he is right. But IT HURTS.

So the next day we were playing outside in the backyard, and I was trying very hard to participate more. I stood with them as they all played soccer together (I meant to play too, but DS2 kept hogging the ball :happy:). I helped DS2 collect rocks to put into a bucket with sand and water. Then we went for a ride around the yard on the ATV together (we all fit on it, for now). We went past some wildflowers and each of my sons picked me one and handed it to me. DH picked one and put it in my hair. I wept for quite some time.

...

I was in the middle of writing this post and my best friend/sister by choice from childhood called. I haven't mentioned her here, but she was another person who helped me survive, by being a true, loyal friend to me and showing me what real love looks like and feels like. She didn't know until later what was happening to me all those years, but she was still there helping me through every step of the way. She just called to tell me that she is pregnant with her first child. If it is a girl, she is going to name it after me, because she feels that I am "so strong to survive everything you went through, and I want her to be surrounded by your strength." The baby's name (very similar to my own, but not exactly the same), will mean "spiritual warrior."

I am truly humbled before God at this moment. Obviously my own plans mean nothing in front of the beauty he wishes to give me. If the child is a girl, she will be deeply loved and honored by me. I would honor and celebrate a boy as well.

[Kittybear]

Whatever happens serenity, I truly hope that one day your heart is whole, and you feel free and safe. Xxx

[Serenity]

Thank you, Kittybear. :tissue: I really hope so too.

[Babygirlquest]

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[pink_bean]

I agree with babygirlquest, you are an amazing writer. I am so sorry for all you have suffered. But I would like to thank you for your honesty as I have felt similar feelings of anger about my own upbringing. Your post gave me a lot of clarity. I completely relate to feeling anger and jealousy towards people who either had a loving upbringing and/ or are able to have the mother/daughter relationship we missed out on.
I remember reading on another forum a thread were someone boasted about being raised by loving parents who was treated equally to her brother and how amazing is was that she could now do the same for her daughter. And how there was "nothing like raising a girl to be a confident woman." I was so angry after reading this, how some people just take for granted what others go though and will never experience. I don't know which made me angrier, her loving parents or the fact that she gets to repeat it with her own daughter.
I also married a gentle man and wished with all my heart to see him love, cherish and protect a daughter in the way that I was not. He does this for our boys but it's different because my brother was favored for being a boy, I have seen the father and son bond, I know boys are special to their fathers. I know girls are too but that was not my experience. although I am so glad to have my boys. One thing I realized is I need to seek therapy to help me deal with my issues and that this would be the case even if I had a daughter. I need to do this for the children that I do have, so they don't suffer because of it.

Sorry if I am rambling. I am just really grateful to hear someone articulate so well all my deeply internalized feelings. Wishing you all the best.

[ksmom]

Pinkbean, I can relate to what you're saying. My own father wanted nothing to do with me from the start. He told my mom he wanted her to miscarry and since I was very young, I've never felt an ounce of love from him. I still don't have a relationship with him and I never will because I don't think he deserves to see his grandsons, let alone even know about them. I always felt like he favored my brothers and never wanted me simply because I'm female. Even my father's parents never wanted to have a relationship with me and they made sure of that. Growing up I always wanted to find a man that would be the best possible dad to our children and that's what I did. I found him. Ever since we first got married, I kept envisioning my husband with our little girl and it just felt right. My husband is the kindest, gentlest, most sensitive man I've ever had the privilege of knowing. It always made my heart happy to picture him with a daughter but instead we're having our third boy. Fortunately my husband is open to going HT but I have no idea if we will actually end up going for it or not or if it will even work. Hope is all I have at this point.

[Serenity]

Babygirlquest, first of all, congratulations on your girls. My wish for you is that every time you are able to build strength and confidence into them, and every time you see the knowledge of their own beauty and worth reflected in their eyes, the child in you that did not get to have this heals a bit, more and more every time, and comes to find deep and lasting satisfaction in being able to give this gift to them, and to share in it. :hug2:

I have thought about HT, but even if I could convince DH, I'm not sure it's the right choice for our family. My sons (especially my eldest) are very sensitive and intuitive, and uniquely tuned in to me. I know most parents are able to hide things from their kids, but I can't hide anything from mine. This might sound strange, but my kids, at least my eldest, would definitely know/figure out what was going on if I went the HT route. I believe that knowing that I would go to those lengths to have a girl would give my boys the message that they are not good enough as they are, and I'm not willing to do that. I also think that given our particular financial circumstances (we are doing reasonably well, but don't have a lot of extra put away), going HT would not be fair to them. It would mean a lot of unchosen financial sacrifice on their part, and this is my issue, not theirs. My oldest son recently asked me why I was drinking diet coke, and did it have something to do with wanting to have a girl baby. I had not ever mentioned wanting to have a girl before that; that is just how tuned in he is to people, and especially to me. (For the record, I told him that yes it did, that I already have two wonderful boys and thought it might be nice to have a girl, too, and that maybe I am being silly but some people think diet coke might help to make a bigger chance of having a girl so I thought I would try it out. I made sure to tell him that if we do have a baby, it could also be a boy, and that would be really great too).

Thank you for complimenting my writing. I have actually thought about working as writer somehow, but just haven't really got into it yet. :happy:

pinkbean, I'm so sorry that you are hurting too. I highly recommend therapy if you are struggling with similar issues to myself. I've been in therapy for a few years now, and although I'm obviously not fully healed, I credit therapy with allowing me to be a generally positive parent to my boys. I know that without it, all of my positive intentions about parenting them well would likely have been massively overshadowed by my pain. As it is, they sense the shadow of my pain close by, and that has some impact on them, but they never live in it, if that makes sense.

ksmom, I'm sorry you are having to experience GD all over again. I am preparing for this myself as well. The thing that is most helping me is remembering that my eldest is getting older more quickly than I would like, and will probably start bringing home girls for us to meet in the not too far off future. Until then, there is always my niece to buy clothes for, and more cute little nieces might well arrive soon, too. If I have three boys, I plan to dress them to the nines in the most awesome clothes we can afford, to give them all the skills they need to overcome and be successful in life, and to teach them how to be kind, respectful gentlemen so they will have no trouble eventually finding amazing wives. I'm also really curious about what kind of people sway opposites are: as a survivor and a fighter myself, I think I could find a lot of kinship with a baby that beat the odds in this way. There is actually a part of me that really likes the idea of three boys, because then you're the queen of the castle forever, and having three of a kind is very lucky in its own way...I keep having this vision of Katniss Everdeen surrounded by three strong, protective sons, crowing triumphantly. Obviously there is a personality based reason why I keep having boys, and it's this part of me that is totally, perfectly fine with more of them. I think that at that point I would have to put my foot down and make them take turns going shopping with me, though. I could always promise them ice cream. :p

So there's another reason not to go HT...part of me is really interested in meeting baby Alexander, if that's who's coming. DS2 wants to have a little brother, and has already named him this. :happy:

I think that there is more than one way to resolve these kinds of issues. One way is to have your girl and give her everything you didn't get. Maybe another way is to allow that terrified, hurt, hungry part of you to accept and bond with the healthy, kind males in your life. I know that this part of me doesn't trust men, but that is slowly changing over time. Just as Babygirlquest will heal a bit every time her daughters receive the gift of security and confidence from her and her DH, maybe I could heal a bit every time I see and experience the inherent kindness of my husband and sons. Perhaps by taking the risk of fully opening my heart to these boys and this man, I will come to understand that my father is not the norm, and that I really am safe and free now. If it is actually possible to have a healthy relationship with a male human being, that in itself would probably be more healing for me than anything else I can imagine.

I'll always remember the time we took DS1 to the fair, and there was a petting zoo there. In the corner of the petting zoo was a lady with baby bunnies that the kids could pet and hold. DS1 was three years old, and I wasn't sure that he should be allowed to pet the bunnies, because I didn't want him to be rough with them. He really wanted to, so I decided to give it a try, and just stand nearby. DS1 sat down in a little chair and the lady carefully passed him a baby bunny. I was completely on edge, ready to snatch the bunny out of his hands right away if he was rough with it. And do you know what happened? DS1 held that baby bunny more carefully than I've ever seen anyone hold anything before or since. He held it firmly enough so that it didn't jump out and hurt itself, even though it was scared and wanted to run away, and with indescribable gentleness. His beautiful, tiny hands were trembling from the effort of being kind to this scared little bunny. And just like that, something inside me healed. That's who he is, and he loves me.

I think that if I allow myself to look at and reach out to my family with open eyes and an open heart, they will heal me more every day. I think it's the bravest thing I could do, and I do think that I am ready to try to do it.

I think that scared, tortured, lonely little girl has not really missed her chance. I think she is still here inside me, wanting desperately to be loved, and at the same time desperately scared of being hurt or left again. I'm telling her to take a chance now, maybe she'll get lucky this time...maybe she already did, and she just hasn't fully realized it yet. :happy:

[Babygirlquest]

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[1+2+3boys]

Thanks for sharing your story. It was amazing to read. I really hope you continue to heal whatever happens

[Throwaway_panther]

I relate deeply to your post -- but interestingly, with a girl.

I had an identical childhood, and having kids period was what got me through it -- I worked with kids from a very early age because I so desperately wanted to care for kids in a way I wasn't cared for.

When I really started working through in therapy what my father did to me, shortly before I conceived, I had a very opposite reaction to you: I was terrified of having a girl. I was terrified of her experiencing anything I did, because being a woman is hard and is dangerous in my experience. I was desperate for a boy, someone not born inherently a victim, someone who could be raised to fight for what's right for women as an ally on the other side. Every misogynist comment online, every political attack against women, every publicized rape only grew more fear in me -- if I couldn't protect myself, how could I protect my daughter? And frankly, little boys have always loved me, and I wanted my own little boy to give me that love.

When I see moms with all boys, or even pigeon pairs, I'd get the similar bitterness. The envy. The asking of the universe, "Why me?"

My DH is also not a fan of swaying, and would be fine if we had a million girls, so I often feel my pursuit for a boy could destroy our marriage if I'm not careful :(

Overall, I just want to say I truly relate, despite having a girl. My feelings have changed dramatically since she was born, but I know myself: I won't ever feel complete until I have a son, too. You talking about finally feeling free really resonated with me, too -- I'm glad you're getting there, and I hope one day I get there too.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Serenity]

1+2+3 boys, thank you. :hug2: My sense is that these issues will likely continue to be a part of me my entire life, but that they will indeed also continue to heal. I can't choose what happened to me as my brain and my sense of myself and the world was forming, but I can choose what I will do with that. There are so many ways to look at my situation; in one way, I feel I have been really lucky. I worked as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital for a while and was surprised to discover my compatriots there. For the first time, I heard some stories that were quite similar to my own. I have come to believe that many people who experience extreme things like I did end up in long-term mental health care. How lucky am I, then, to have an education, my own business, a nice place to live, and most of all, my sanity somehow generally intact? I do have ADHD and partial PTSD, and depression sometimes visits me a bit, but the people I met who had similar experiences to mine had all decided that life was too painful to endure, and had escaped into psychosis. I created a beautiful place in my mind to visit during trauma, but these people moved there permanently. I'm grateful for my ongoing connection to reality.

Throwaway_panther, I'm sorry to discover another one of my compatriots here. I'm very sorry for all you endured, and for everything you lost.

I can absolutely understand your perspective about having a girl, but I can also immediately see where you are mistaken, and the core beliefs that might be keeping you a bit stuck. You write: "someone not born inherently a victim" and "if I couldn't protect myself, how can I protect my daughter?"

You were not born inherently a victim. In fact, you had nothing at all to do with being victimized. That happened simply because just like sometimes people accidentally fall to their deaths, sometimes fathers abuse their kids. It's like getting struck by lightning. Sometimes bad things just happen. You were simply in the wrong place, with the wrong person, at the wrong time. You didn't choose it and you didn't have ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT, and it definitely didn't happen just because you were a girl. My dad abused all of my siblings, boys and girls, and many abusers do this. It happened because of him, not because of you. I was also revictimized later as a teenager, many times, and this happened to me so much because some jerks made bad choices, and because I had been taught by my struck by lightning father to get along with psychos, to expect attacks, and to submit to attackers. I learned to do this in order to survive, but when I used this life-preserving strategy out in the world, it made me into psycho bait...I had also been taught that I would never be safe, and so I walked around alone a lot and put myself in a lot of very unsafe situations, had no boundaries at all, and then just accepted and was unsurprised when bad things happened. I never learned the first thing about protecting myself. What happened was still on the assholes that took advantage of me, because seriously, WHO DOES THAT, and I couldn't have done anything else at the time because I didn't know how, but it really didn't have to go the way it went.

Which brings me to point two, your feeling that you cannot protect your daughter. You are so, so wrong about this! You're right that you can't ever be with her all the time, and you can't ever control the people around her. But first of all, you probably don't have to, because lightning doesn't often strike twice, YKWIM? She probably has a nice father...so confession time, it's taken a long time for all the parts of myself to believe that my DH is not secretly hurting my kids. It's my worst fear. He seems to be a wonderful father, they look up to and trust their dad in the loveliest of ways, they show no signs of being abused, but part of me just always assumes that it never ended, that one day I'll find out that this life, too, is all a lie. That I will find out that just like my mom, I, too, failed to protect my kids, and that my heart will break all over again, just as it shattered when I couldn't protect myself or my dearly loved siblings when we were young. So I left my phone at home a few times when I went to work, with a background voice recorder running, and taped what happened. I had to, just to feel secure in my house. I was terrified to listen to that recording, seriously, shaking all over. And guess what happened? I heard my DH caring gently and kindly for my kids. I heard my youngest, DS2, saying, with a voice full of pure love, "Daddy!" and my DH saying lovingly back, "Mr. Boo!" (his nickname). I heard my DH being his usual kind, wonderful, goofball self. I heard DS1 fighting with his dad because he wanted to play a video game that he wasn't allowed to. I would never, ever fight with my dad, especially when we were alone - it wouldn't make sense to provoke him like that.

I'm slowly starting to believe that I actually made it, and that this is a different life. And with that comes a lot of efforts to protect my kids. Here's what I've done so far: I've read them age-appropriate books teaching them about their anatomy and about sexual abuse, so they have the language to tell if anything ever happens to them. I've taught them through my words and my actions that their birthright is to be safe and loved, and to stay far away from anything or anyone that doesn't make them feel that way. I've built relationships with them that are full of trust and closeness, so they can tell me about anything that worries or scares them. I've been very clear with them that they come first with me, and that I'll always protect them from anything. And most importantly: I refuse to believe that I should ever, for one second, accept any of this kind of treatment directed at myself or my children again. I am ready to fight for my kids. No one is allowed to harm them. Not ever. I've stood up (kindly and respectfully) to DS1's teachers when they don't understand him, and I'll stand up to anyone or anything that ever even remotely threatens their well being in any way. I pity the fool who tries to go up against my little angels...I'll be there right away to send him or her packing. :superhero: I find deep, immense satisfaction in standing up for my little guys. I can't stop someone from attacking my little ones, but I sure as hell can teach them to avoid psychos, and if they do get hurt, I can find out right away and stop it from going on and on. I can be the protector I never had. If you come to really understand and believe that what happened to you wasn't your fault, and you also come to understand the difference between now and then: then, of course you couldn't protect yourself or anyone else, but now, you're big and strong, you have a phone, you know about the police, if you're me then you have pepper spray and spiky key rings in your purse in case things ever do go sideways again, you have a strong relationship with your kid - EVERYTHING is really different now, and you can keep making it different every day. Besides, not everyone gets raped, you know. Apparently most people don't. :happy:

I figure that if I do have a daughter, and she does get raped sometime, it'll hurt like hell, but it's a pain I already know how to endure, and a pain I know how to help her heal from. And even if that piece of her story is the same as mine, the rest of it sure won't be. Imagine how your story would have been different if you had had someone in it who was completely determined, and able, to do everything in their power to love and protect you. No matter what happens, that's still a completely different story, isn't it? You just have to make sure that you're as healthy and healed as possible, and OK with fully facing your own pain again if you have to in order to keep her safe or help her through something. If you can do that, then you'll definitely always be able to protect your daughter. :happy:

[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you Serenity ♡ I have more to say when I have a chance, but truly thank you. And knowing someone like you is out there raising boys into men really warms my heart.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[1+2+3boys]

I apologise in advance for not having time to proof read which I need to do to all bits of long writing to make them make sense! I'll do it later as I have to go now:

ADD sure makes us obsess over things more. I have it and it makes life harder which intensified my longing for a daughter many a time. Depression also runs in my family and I really have to look after myself or I feeling it coming back and I know I have to get back on track so it doesn't take me over.
Part of my longing for a daughter was to create my own Mother-Daughter relationship that was better than mine with my own Mother. I think the whole inner child thing is very real and will always be there in our mind. And of coarse for us as Women it is a little girl who we want to protect. I worked through alot of my issues through counciling and it helped so much. I now know that having a daughter would have made some things better but would not have fixed everything. My issues with my Mum are nothing compared to what you went through though. I also think GD can mask other things that are wrong. After I figured all that out and the going through the other reasons for wanting a daughter I found none of it mattered anymore and I still couldn't let go of wanting a girl, like it was an un-explainable desire of my heart.
But then I went through a really hard time in my life and coming out the other side I think I was lucky because all in all I think it healed my GD.

There is a housing shortage where I live right now and almost 10 months ago we had to move rental properties. We had three months to move but we couldn't find anywhere. I seriously thought we would end up homeless or having to move to a different town and leave our whole lives behind. I had never been so depressed in my whole life and everything as too much, especially being a parent. In the end we got somewhere on our very last day left and only by paying so much more than what we were. I couldn't shake all those feeling after we got into our new house for quite some time as I was quite traumatised. I realised though that the whole time I had not being thinking of 'my daughter'. There were other things that were so much more important at the momment in time and combine it with how much of a hard out attachment parent I have been plus doing it with three highly spirited boy including the younger being twins I needed some time for me. I mean serious time for a long time to make up for it all and to be me and not just a parent. I was upset over not having a daughter as much as any Woman on this site and reading what I am about to write as if it were written by someone else whilst I was in the midst of my worst GD I'd have thought "She can't have wanted a daughter all that much. Anyway I don't want any more children. I didn't before but I was willing to have one more if it meant I could get my daughter. Well now if magic were real and I could garantee getting pregnant with a daughter I still wouldn't do it.
Perhaps I will change my mind again one day if HT becomes available in Australia and money is more plentiful but if that's not the case I'm pretty sure I'll be O.K.

btw, how do you write so eloquantly with ADD!? Things sound amazing in my head but when it comes to getting the words down they get all scrambled or I forget.

[Serenity]

I have to say that I'm really flattered by all the compliments about my writing! :o Maybe I should be taking it more seriously than I have been. In addition to ADHD I have some perfectionistic tendencies, and these are actually quite useful when it comes to writing, because I am constantly editing what I write.

1+2+3 boys, thank you for sharing your story of healing from GD. That is really why I am on this site: because I want to heal this. I'm aware that it has the potential to do harm to my wonderful boys, by making them feel like they are not good enough for me. Of course as mothers we shield our kids from this as much as possible, but my kids pick up on everything...I want to be able to see and feel clearly, so I can clearly communicate to my boys how I actually feel about them, with nothing in the way.

I do think that my wanting a daughter is the most natural thing in the world. It's just so obvious and intuitive, you know? OF COURSE mothers want to have daughters. I also think that I may have taken this natural desire to an unhealthy place by allowing myself to become so focused on it. I'm not entitled to a daughter. No one ever promised me a daughter. Not everyone has daughters. I do think that a lot of moms of boys are able to feel this loss and move past it more gracefully than I am currently doing, and while I value this site so much for the support and understanding that is here, I also think that it is a bit of a one-sided conversation: those of us who have gotten a bit mired in this longing for a certain gender are here talking to and supporting each other, but maybe we are missing the perspective of those who have not felt this, and also, to some extent, the perspective of those who have felt this and found ways to move on. I think some of those other ladies have things to share with us that could heal us, as could fully allowing our own grieving. I think the trickiest thing about this is that it's not over until it's over, so it's a complicated grieving process. If you want to heal, you pretty much have to grieve something that you might conceivably still be able to have. It's the same kind of grieving you would have to do if a loved one inexplicably disappeared...maybe they'll come back, and maybe they won't, but you have to find a way to resolve your grief and live with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe it's worth it to go through this painful process, though, just to find peace. I think my solution will be to have one more child, if DH agrees, and then to be kind but firm with myself that THAT'S IT. No more waiting, no more trying. It's over, she's gone, and it's time to grieve her as much as I need and then to turn my face back to my children.

When I look at your picture, 1+2+3 boys, it looks GOOD. It looks GREAT. It is adorable, and I should be so lucky. Somewhere on this site I read the story of a lady who recovered from GD without having a girl. She writes, "I am a rich woman with many children, and the future will be bright." When I think about what a future with three boys looks like, it is bright. All that love, all those grandchildren! :awe:

If I am totally honest with myself, this problem I have cannot be solved by having a daughter. I lost my childhood, and it is not coming back. There is no fixing that. This is what I need to grieve first. The fact that I am terrified of people, and especially men, also cannot be solved by having a daughter. If I want to heal that, it means that I have to take the risk of trusting others, and trusting life again, the way I did before I was born. The way I did when I was wrapped in the love of God, and knew in every cell of my body that no matter what happened next, I was and will always be perfectly, wonderfully safe. Because there is so much more everywhere than can be seen or felt, and part of me knows this.

If I do have a daughter, is it right for me to meet her with the broken parts of myself held out to her in my hands? No, these are my broken children, and it is my job to love and heal them. Maybe I am my own lost daughter. I will take these broken children into my arms and into my heart. They will be safe with me.

My beautiful firstborn son, who is so connected to me and to God, lifted his shining angel face to me yesterday and said, "We are all rare, aren't we Mom? Every one of us is rare." And again, he healed me. I have not been unlucky to have my two boys. They are infinitely rare, and infinitely precious, and exactly right for me. My first son's name means 'Gift from God', and my second son's name means 'God saves'...I am ready to let God save me, and I refuse to any longer deny or devalue the gifts I have been given. My boys are not going to hurt me. They love me. I do not have to wait for a safe daughter to love me. I am home with my family, here and now.

I'm letting go. I was thinking of taking Femara or Clomid for my sway, and I'm going to do something brave. I'm not going to look for it or take it. I'm still going to go ahead with the rest of my sway as best as I can, to honor the part of me that wishes for a daughter, but I won't do anything that crosses any of my personal lines. If I'm lucky enough to have another baby, I'm going to celebrate him or her with all my heart. I'm choosing to trust that God knows what he's doing, no matter what.

Maybe my pain is a gift, too.

[momamia4]

Serenity, I am so very sorry for everything that you have been through. Know that I am thinking of you and hoping you get your Sara. <3

[Serenity]

And I hope all your dreams come true as well, momamia. :awe:

[Wantanother2017]

Serenity, I gasped as I read your post as it was like reading an entry into my own journal. We have very similar histories and very similar responses in our present lives. I too struggle with such anger and heartbrokenness to this day about the past. I also become very angry about what my sisters and I were forced to endure and the after effects that continue to pervade our lives as we search for normalcy after abuse.
It's so maddening to feel like your still drowning in a swirling ocean while others are parasailing in the same waters right next to you; totally unaffected. Never will they have to comprehend what you do, much less try to overcome it. Meanwhile they are spitting out my dream daughters left and right without a care in the world. And all I want is just one.
And after years of counseling I know that a huge part of my extreme desire is to partially correct the wrongs. To see her have the opportunities that were never imaginable for me as that little girl. To feel safe and loved. Spoiled even.
I do realize there is a very real possibility that even if I by some miracle did have a daughter one day that I would not be fixed. The mess of our histories would not be wiped away. But I can't let it go. I want it so badly.
Just know you're not alone. [emoji175]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[atomic sagebrush]

I just wanted to let you guys know that I have read this and will be back to answer at some point in time when I can do it justice. :heart:

[Serenity]

Hi Complex Emotions,

Thank you so much for sharing those statistics. They actually make me feel much better, I think because so much of this issue is tied in with my feelings of being cursed or particularly unlucky because of my childhood. Not getting the gender of baby I would prefer has felt, to me, like a continuation of very bad luck, whereas other women in the same circumstance would likely have a more realistic view of the situation.

I've been reading a lot of posts all over the internet written by mothers who have been able to let go of the idea of having a daughter - many of whom appear to have felt as strongly as most of us on this site still do. There is a lot of wisdom in these posts. One that particularly helped me was written by a mother who realized over time that what she most wanted and needed was someone to fill the role of 'daughter' in her life. She talked with an older, wiser woman with several sons who assured her that if that role was not filled by a female child, one or more of her sons would step in to fill it. It startled me to realize that this is already true in my family: my DS1 has formed a close, warm, nurturing relationship with me. We share many of the same likes and dislikes, and although of course as the adult, I am the main protector and nurturer, there is a particular type of healthy, bonded mutuality in our interactions that is very similar to what I would wish for a mother-daughter relationship to be like. We often go to the mall to watch movies together, and we "speak the same language" in many ways. I think that's why I've written about him so much in my posts here - despite being very male and boylike, he really IS my daughter in a lot of ways (now don't ever tell him I wrote that). :giggle: I don't see him as feminine, and I would never try to put that on him, but in terms of the role itself? Yeah, he is that person to me.

Complex, I'm sorry that you don't think you can trust yourself to bond to another boy. As someone who has wished for and dreamed of a daughter almost my entire life, and now has two sons, I can tell you that if you have another boy, you WILL love him and you WILL bond with him, and you probably won't resent him for not being a girl, mostly because you will know that it's obviously not his fault. Trust me, you can't blame someone for existing when you're the one who brought them into the world, no matter how disappointed or pissed off you are about their gender. :wink:

When I was pregnant with DS2, I protected myself as best I could from GD by assuming right off the bat that he was a boy. I just did not allow myself to get my hopes up much about the possibility of having a girl...but of course I really was hopeful deep inside. When I had my ultrasound with him, I brought DH and DS1 into the room with me, and I thought to myself, it's either a brother or a sister for DS1: both are good, and for him, a brother would be the best news ever. When the tech said, "It's a boy," I turned to DS1 and with complete sincerity said, "You're going to have a brother! You are so lucky!" I did, again, feel some serious GD during the pregnancy, but I was able to resolve this by realizing that even if I hadn't gotten lucky this time, DS1 had, and considering how close we are and how much I love him, that was really almost the same thing. :happy:

I continued to think of DS2 as a gift for his brother for the rest of the pregnancy, but when he finally arrived I was able to start bonding with him for myself, if that makes sense. He was the best, sweetest, MOST CUDDLY baby in the universe. He snuggled right up to me in the most adorable way possible, and he would hold onto my nose sometimes while he nursed. He was such a surprise: DS1 has ADHD and was extremely fussy and difficult when he was a baby, but here was this little one who was so laid back that he didn't even cry when he was born, and he continued to be like that right down the line.

As DS2 gets older, it has become obvious that he is SUCH A BOY. My DH, who is quite athletic and manly, was privately terribly humiliated by DS1's lackluster performance on the soccer field (the one and only time we tried to put DS1 into sports). :giggle: Now he has a little mini-me who loves jumping, climbing, and being outside, and whose favorite activity in the world is kicking a soccer ball with his dad. He's still a cuddler, though, and what I'm noticing about him more lately is how much he looks like me. I keep thinking to myself, "if I had been a boy, like a really masculine boy, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE." :happy:

DS2 brings something completely different to my life. I guess it's what people would think of when they think of a nice mother-son relationship. He is totally in love with me, and he's always giving me rocks and flowers, and big hugs around my neck with his beautiful little arms. He loves babies and animals, and he's teaching me that males can be safe, and that a person can be incredibly strong and incredibly sensitive at the same time. I think my relationship with him is the one completely safe and trusting relationship I've ever had with a male...while parts of me still had trouble trusting males and people in general when I met DH and even DS1, by the time I met DS2 I had been in therapy for a few years, had mostly healed my relationships with DS1 and DH, and was ready to bond fully with him right from the start.

So what I'm telling you, Complex, is not to be too scared to try, if another child is what you want. Because he won't just be a BOY, even if he's a really masculine boy. He'll be a person with something unique and beautiful to give to you, or to teach you. I hate sports with a passion, but you will sometimes find me happily kicking a ball with DS2, because he's totally adorable and that's just what he likes to do. We also talk about babies, though, and play baby dolls together, because he loves that, too. We both do.

If you do get another boy, who knows...maybe he'll even be your daughter. :happy:

Wantanother, I'm very sorry that you have also experienced this kind of pain. You write, "It's so maddening to feel like you're still drowning in a swirling ocean while others are parasailing in the same waters right next to you; totally unaffected. Never will they have to comprehend what you do, much less try to overcome it."

Yes, I have struggled with this feeling my entire life. It has only come to me recently (and I could not have heard or understood this before, so my sincere apologies if I offend you or anyone else with this) that the experiences I have had may actually have been a gift.

My first son has been struggling lately with the idea of death. It's scary for him to think that his parents will die, and that he will die one day. The level of depth, wisdom, and insight I was able to bring to our conversations about this was profoundly meaningful to him, and allowed him to process and resolve one of the most terrifying issues we as humans have to face. My lack of fear of death is a direct result of my childhood. Because I fully expected my father to kill me at some point when I was small, I have come to view every second of my life as an incredible gift. The choices I make every day reflect my priorities: to care, as best I can, for myself and my family, and to give them as much of my heart as is possible while I am still here and breathing. I live my life in full view of the knowledge that it can end at any time. I value every second that beats by. I was able to show DS1 how I have used my knowledge of life's brevity to guide its course: to clarify my priorities and to make sure I am living by them, and to purposefully bring love into all my days.

I never could have taught him this, or understood it myself, if it wasn't for the way my life played out. I have had many moments when I realize fully how much beauty, by contrast, my ugly childhood has given me, and will continue to give me for the rest of my life. When something is sweet, it is sweeter, because I used to be so hungry. When there is light, it is brighter, because there used to be so much darkness. And when there is love, it is heaven, because I used to live in hell. :HH: My children are not just children, they are angels to me. My husband is not just my life partner, he is my savior, my hero, and my protector. The level of gratitude I have for each second of being alive and safe now, makes me lucky for experiencing what I did. :luck:

[Complex Emotions]

...As someone who has wished for and dreamed of a daughter almost my entire life, and now has two sons, I can tell you that if you have another boy, you WILL love him and you WILL bond with him...

So what I'm telling you, Complex, is not to be too scared to try, if another child is what you want. Because he won't just be a BOY, even if he's a really masculine boy. He'll be a person with something unique and beautiful to give to you, or to teach you...

Thank you, Serenity. In my deepest heart I do know I would come to love my second son.

What I don't know, and what I can't imagine, is what the grieving process of never having a daughter would look like with my personal psychological weaknesses/vulnerabilities. I'm afraid I don't have the same level of emotional self-control that most people do. Am I able to still be a loving mom and wife while privately grieving? Would I still be able to get through the pregnancy in a healthy way? Could I hide or minimize this secret grief so that it that won't damage other people's perception of who I am? Would I be able to safely handle any self-hatred/ self-disgust I might experience over my GD feelings?

If I don't pursue having a second child - Can I ever find a way to end this longing for another baby and just move on with my life? Will I always feel the emptiness of the missing person who never got to join our family? Will my husband still love me if I don't fulfill his dream of having two children? Will my son be alone in the world in a way that hurts him when we're all older?

[Serenity]

Hi Complex,

You know, to me it sounds like you just don't trust yourself, period. Like one way or another, you expect to let yourself and your family down, even though you really don't want to. I have read several of your posts and you seem like a normal human being and a loving parent to me...I'm not sure why you feel like you can't count on yourself. :Flower:

I don't really know what emotional self control is...feelings are feelings, and there's nothing wrong with having them or expressing them. :hug2: I don't think anyone can control how they feel, they can only control how they process their feelings. Of course it's OK to grieve privately, and I only wish that GD was less stigmatized so that you could grieve publicly as well. This is an enormous, very real loss. If you think you will cry in front of others without meaning to, you could always make up a reason why, and, bonus, get their comfort and support. :happy:

If you truly don't want to have another child, then of course you shouldn't. But I think it would be very sad to let GD steal your little one from you, if he or she is meant to be. Only you know. :happy:

Life is messy. It's uncontrollable. It's never going to go as planned, anyway, no matter what you do. :hug2:

[1+2+3boys]

I have to say that I'm really flattered by all the compliments about my writing! :o Maybe I should be taking it more seriously than I have been. In addition to ADHD I have some perfectionistic tendencies, and these are actually quite useful when it comes to writing, because I am constantly editing what I write.

1+2+3 boys, thank you for sharing your story of healing from GD. That is really why I am on this site: because I want to heal this. I'm aware that it has the potential to do harm to my wonderful boys, by making them feel like they are not good enough for me. Of course as mothers we shield our kids from this as much as possible, but my kids pick up on everything...I want to be able to see and feel clearly, so I can clearly communicate to my boys how I actually feel about them, with nothing in the way.

I do think that my wanting a daughter is the most natural thing in the world. It's just so obvious and intuitive, you know? OF COURSE mothers want to have daughters. I also think that I may have taken this natural desire to an unhealthy place by allowing myself to become so focused on it. I'm not entitled to a daughter. No one ever promised me a daughter. Not everyone has daughters. I do think that a lot of moms of boys are able to feel this loss and move past it more gracefully than I am currently doing, and while I value this site so much for the support and understanding that is here, I also think that it is a bit of a one-sided conversation: those of us who have gotten a bit mired in this longing for a certain gender are here talking to and supporting each other, but maybe we are missing the perspective of those who have not felt this, and also, to some extent, the perspective of those who have felt this and found ways to move on. I think some of those other ladies have things to share with us that could heal us, as could fully allowing our own grieving. I think the trickiest thing about this is that it's not over until it's over, so it's a complicated grieving process. If you want to heal, you pretty much have to grieve something that you might conceivably still be able to have. It's the same kind of grieving you would have to do if a loved one inexplicably disappeared...maybe they'll come back, and maybe they won't, but you have to find a way to resolve your grief and live with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe it's worth it to go through this painful process, though, just to find peace. I think my solution will be to have one more child, if DH agrees, and then to be kind but firm with myself that THAT'S IT. No more waiting, no more trying. It's over, she's gone, and it's time to grieve her as much as I need and then to turn my face back to my children.

When I look at your picture, 1+2+3 boys, it looks GOOD. It looks GREAT. It is adorable, and I should be so lucky. Somewhere on this site I read the story of a lady who recovered from GD without having a girl. She writes, "I am a rich woman with many children, and the future will be bright." When I think about what a future with three boys looks like, it is bright. All that love, all those grandchildren! :awe:

If I am totally honest with myself, this problem I have cannot be solved by having a daughter. I lost my childhood, and it is not coming back. There is no fixing that. This is what I need to grieve first. The fact that I am terrified of people, and especially men, also cannot be solved by having a daughter. If I want to heal that, it means that I have to take the risk of trusting others, and trusting life again, the way I did before I was born. The way I did when I was wrapped in the love of God, and knew in every cell of my body that no matter what happened next, I was and will always be perfectly, wonderfully safe. Because there is so much more everywhere than can be seen or felt, and part of me knows this.

If I do have a daughter, is it right for me to meet her with the broken parts of myself held out to her in my hands? No, these are my broken children, and it is my job to love and heal them. Maybe I am my own lost daughter. I will take these broken children into my arms and into my heart. They will be safe with me.

My beautiful firstborn son, who is so connected to me and to God, lifted his shining angel face to me yesterday and said, "We are all rare, aren't we Mom? Every one of us is rare." And again, he healed me. I have not been unlucky to have my two boys. They are infinitely rare, and infinitely precious, and exactly right for me. My first son's name means 'Gift from God', and my second son's name means 'God saves'...I am ready to let God save me, and I refuse to any longer deny or devalue the gifts I have been given. My boys are not going to hurt me. They love me. I do not have to wait for a safe daughter to love me. I am home with my family, here and now.

I'm letting go. I was thinking of taking Femara or Clomid for my sway, and I'm going to do something brave. I'm not going to look for it or take it. I'm still going to go ahead with the rest of my sway as best as I can, to honor the part of me that wishes for a daughter, but I won't do anything that crosses any of my personal lines. If I'm lucky enough to have another baby, I'm going to celebrate him or her with all my heart. I'm choosing to trust that God knows what he's doing, no matter what.

Maybe my pain is a gift, too.

It is great referring to your comment about my photo but the desire for a girl is totally seperate and we all love our boys. I too think it is such a natural desire. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It is hard enough without being hard on ourselves, we need to be nice to ourselves. The way we feel is not wrong and we are not the only ones who feel this way. It shows that you are a loving Mother to your sons that you worry so much about them. I never let on to my boys' about wanting a daughter and if I did go HT for one like I used to want to I would simply say I thought it would be nice to have a girl too and for them to have a Sister.

I was offline for over a year but wanted to reply to you because I really want to share my full story sometime. I am just so busy right now so it may take a while. I remember reading stories of ladies who had gotten over their GD while mine was at it's worst and it was nice to know it was possible. I think getting over it fully has to come from within you but all the comments from others can help you realise things. I was just lucky that I got another desire that was larger than my desire for a daughter and that's an easier life with more time for myself. It makes me a much better Mum too so it's win win!

Good luck to everyone. Time really does change things even though it does not seem like it will and getting over GD can be a long journey but know that it's normal and you are not alone and people care about how things turn out for you :)

[Kittybear]

Serenity, you write so beautifully and eloquantly; simply thank you :heart: :)

Complex emotions, I PROMISE you, if you do have another little boy, you WILL love him, as I love my gorgeous, inquisitive, clever ds2. My GD with him was horrendous. I do not want to give time to all of the horrible things that ran through my head, but suffice to say, they were bad. When I had ds1, the love I felt for him really did hit me like a tonne of bricks instantly. With ds2, the love was always there, it just took longer to fully show itself. Now he is nearly 2 and I am so thankful that he is in our lives. He is wonderful as himself.

I never wanted ds1 to grow up without a sibling (I'm an only child myself, and whilst I had a very good childhood, I keenly feel the space where my 'sibling' should have been) and I'm very happy he is a big brother and has a brother.

My GD is not gone BUT it is COMPLETELY separate for the love I have with for my sons.

Obviously you do what is best for you and your family but also have faith in yourself xxx