What next?

[MushyMind]

Dh and I always agreed that as long as we tried everything possible we could move on but I'm struggling although we have closed the door.

How do you cope? What do you do? Where i'm from there is girl after girl being born! most recently to a 2 boy mum... All so easy for her.

I feel sick. I don't want their babies I wanted my own.

I love my 2 boys dearly, I couldn't imagine life without them but I wanted just one more, my daughter.

I am now 45 time has run out. I don't want to be an older mum and start all over again.

We went HT, in total I had 9 separate embryo transfers (4 frozen) we travelled abroad, we used 2 different clinics, tried different protocols, paid thousands for extra tests (HSG etc) even tried donor eggs took gazillions of supplements but nothing.... In between cycle 3 and 4 we tried the a-gender diet for 6 months again nothing then more HT then we then closed the door. We had to it was financially, emotionally & physically draining.

I was so sad. I was 42. At a whim I applied to adopt and we got accepted, we were thrilled, but then it all went wrong... We fought them for another year only to finally withdraw last year as the social worker clearly did not like us. We didn't want a baby, we would have had a 4-5 year old. By then it was a lot about changing a life, we were so angry with the system. Going abroad and private adoption was and isn't an option.

Anyway, I lurk on here now and again as it doesn't make me feel so alone with my thoughts, but today I joined (again) and wanted to share my story.

I should be so happy with my life but inside I feel such sorrow, no one knows about our HT journey, my gender desire other than my DH. So writing this all out is strange..

I hope that time will take the pain away, that as I get older it will be less obvious. I don't want to be that old woman who is bitter and twisted. I just want to be content & happy.

Anyway, life deals us all different cards, I have to somehow accept that I've had mine, no queen of hearts maybe I am the queen, but with a cracked heart...

We did everything but my time ran out.

I now need to emotionally move on, now how do I do that?

Thanks for reading.

[Luvmyboys]

I don't have a ton of words of wisdom for you, but as a lady who was also on an incredibly long journey as well - I completely understand how you are feeling. We had so many unexpected turns on our journey which has made for an interesting story.

In all honesty, the things that helped me were planning my next steps and then counseling. I was a hot mess of emotion 2 years ago. But counseling was what really helped me! I'm a totally different person than I was!

Have you thought about trying to work with a different social worker for adoption or possibly fostering a little girl? We were actually at that point not too long ago where we were considering becoming foster parents. Just the desire to raise and love on a girl was going to be enough for me!

If you look at my signature you will see my crazy journey and it might help you to at least feel like someone else was on a similar path. I would heavily consider adoption and if so, I would hire a consultant so you can expedite the process. Many promise a placement in a year so it could very well be over for you soon enough! That was going to be our next step if this last transfer had failed! Hang in there!

[MrsGoodies]

((Hugs))

I could have written your story. I've been on a quest for a dd for over a decade and after tens of thousands of $$ spent, multiple failed Ht cycles, serial miscarriages (the last one actually a GIRL conceived on our own without Dr help) i was sooooooooooo close.....she was conceived in me and when I think of how it "could have been an alternate ending" where i am actually HAPPY & AT PEACE.... I choke back the tears. Instead i also feel so lost and alone.

I am not a quitter.

I always assumed that if I tried, tried, tried, tried and tried and just kept on trying, trying, trying, trying (even when we ran out of money and my DH was ready to quit)....i begged, pleaded, and pressed on....anything for one more chance.....and that eventually all of my perseverance would be rewarded. That's how it happens in the movies, right?

Well I guess i should stop watching so many movies.

I'm at a point where a new baby wouldn't even have a sibling close in age. I jept hoping for a 1 -2 year gap....which stretched to 3-4....and then 5....and 6.... Now 7 or 8....

I wish I could go back in time and tell younger me to save her money because its not going to work anyways.

I feel like i have been cursed even though i have everything to be thankful for. I just don't feel complete without "her"....

Why was this desire put on me in the first place? I've tried to reason it out, pray it away, mysticise that it must be because my dd spirit "just wasnt ready" and "she'll come in her own time" when she's ready.... Ugh!

Most of all i lie awake wondering if this is still going to haunt me when I'm 60?

Will i be resentful of a daughter in law who will have a baby girl so easily? Will it hurt to be around my own granddaughter as it pains me to be around my friends dd?

Is there a lesson to be learned in all of this? (Maybe .... if the universe keeps slamming the door shut its doing it for a reason? Stop trying to ram the door and pick the lock! It's closed stupid!)

My heart is breaking all the time.

I pray we can both heal very soon.

[MushyMind]

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It seems you tried everything. I understand. I can't go HT or adoption. I'm 40 and hubby says he is willing to have one more but we have to want another baby, not just a girl. I'm not there yet, don't think I ever will be. All I want is a daughter. I am sad everyday and don't know how to let go.

I hear it gets better with time. I hope that's true for you. I wish I had something more comforting to say but you are not alone.

Thank you pink_bean, time is certainly helping me as I get older! I totally understand what you are saying, at the beginning my DH didn't want to risk another boy as it would be our last baby so we went straight to HT. I then convinced him to try naturally with the diet but nothing happened so we went back to HT. Maybe that was meant to be, majority of our embryos were male so perhaps going natural would have been another boy and horrible to say but given the choice I'm not sure I could cope with 3 boys. I'm sure i'd love him but he would always be my reminder iykwim... Acceptance takes time and I'm sure we will get there.. Take care X

[MushyMind]

((Hugs))

I could have written your story. I've been on a quest for a dd for over a decade and after tens of thousands of $$ spent, multiple failed Ht cycles, serial miscarriages (the last one actually a GIRL conceived on our own without Dr help) i was sooooooooooo close.....she was conceived in me and when I think of how it "could have been an alternate ending" where i am actually HAPPY & AT PEACE.... I choke back the tears. Instead i also feel so lost and alone.

I am not a quitter.

I always assumed that if I tried, tried, tried, tried and tried and just kept on trying, trying, trying, trying (even when we ran out of money and my DH was ready to quit)....i begged, pleaded, and pressed on....anything for one more chance.....and that eventually all of my perseverance would be rewarded. That's how it happens in the movies, right?

Well I guess i should stop watching so many movies.

I'm at a point where a new baby wouldn't even have a sibling close in age. I jept hoping for a 1 -2 year gap....which stretched to 3-4....and then 5....and 6.... Now 7 or 8....

I wish I could go back in time and tell younger me to save her money because its not going to work anyways.

I feel like i have been cursed even though i have everything to be thankful for. I just don't feel complete without "her"....

Why was this desire put on me in the first place? I've tried to reason it out, pray it away, mysticise that it must be because my dd spirit "just wasnt ready" and "she'll come in her own time" when she's ready.... Ugh!

Most of all i lie awake wondering if this is still going to haunt me when I'm 60?

Will i be resentful of a daughter in law who will have a baby girl so easily? Will it hurt to be around my own granddaughter as it pains me to be around my friends dd?

Is there a lesson to be learned in all of this? (Maybe .... if the universe keeps slamming the door shut its doing it for a reason? Stop trying to ram the door and pick the lock! It's closed stupid!)

My heart is breaking all the time.

I pray we can both heal very soon.

Hi MrsGoodie
Thank you for sharing and your kind words, sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I too have had 4 and wonder if any of them was my dd.

I so understand what you are saying, my age gap now would be over 8 years. I am 45, DH will be 48 this year so we needed to call it quits even though I am not a quitter either, please don't regret the trying, you would only regret not trying had you not. For us we just had to be practical and think of ourselves and our boys, our future. I had to stop the obsessing, it wasn't fair on our family it was getting unhealthy and tough on my emotional state. On a positive note, now the boys are older we have more freedom on what we do and where we go... We've done things we couldn't have with a younger child.

I too wonder how I will feel at 60, my ds1 will be 25 then so unlikely I will be a young grandmother or even get to meet grandchildren, so that whole having a dd being there for her during her milestones and even childbirth is a disjointed vision as I will be an old woman... It's my reality check.

I feel envious of women who are under 40 who can still keep going.

You will not be resentful of your DiL if she has a dd, she will be your gdd very different from friends dd's.

I agree, I think there is a lesson to be learnt and I hope the universe has something better in store for us. I like your door analogy, we had to stop, let's hope another door opens easily for us.

Take care X

[MushyMind]

I don't have a ton of words of wisdom for you, but as a lady who was also on an incredibly long journey as well - I completely understand how you are feeling. We had so many unexpected turns on our journey which has made for an interesting story.

In all honesty, the things that helped me were planning my next steps and then counseling. I was a hot mess of emotion 2 years ago. But counseling was what really helped me! I'm a totally different person than I was!

Have you thought about trying to work with a different social worker for adoption or possibly fostering a little girl? We were actually at that point not too long ago where we were considering becoming foster parents. Just the desire to raise and love on a girl was going to be enough for me!

If you look at my signature you will see my crazy journey and it might help you to at least feel like someone else was on a similar path. I would heavily consider adoption and if so, I would hire a consultant so you can expedite the process. Many promise a placement in a year so it could very well be over for you soon enough! That was going to be our next step if this last transfer had failed! Hang in there!

Congrats luvmyboys on your forthcoming dd. Thank you for your words. Private adoption isn't an option for us, we would have to travel far and it would not only take us into debt, we are unable up and leave for months on end, boys have school, we have work... Fostering is an option, but I would find it tough letting go, maybe in a few years an older child but will see. Right now it's about moving on...

I did have counselling between Cycle 2 and 3, she tried to convince me I didn't need a dd, delved into my past relationship with my mother etc actually made me want to keep going, I guess I wasn't ready then to give up but I was thinking about seeing someone recently, perhaps I do need counselling now. Someone to talk to. I will look into it, thank you.
Wishing you all the best X

[Luvmyboys]

Congrats luvmyboys on your forthcoming dd. Thank you for your words. Private adoption isn't an option for us, we would have to travel far and it would not only take us into debt, we are unable up and leave for months on end, boys have school, we have work... Fostering is an option, but I would find it tough letting go, maybe in a few years an older child but will see. Right now it's about moving on...

I did have counselling between Cycle 2 and 3, she tried to convince me I didn't need a dd, delved into my past relationship with my mother etc actually made me want to keep going, I guess I wasn't ready then to give up but I was thinking about seeing someone recently, perhaps I do need counselling now. Someone to talk to. I will look into it, thank you.
Wishing you all the best X

As crazy as it sounds - I found a counselor who understood what I was wanting and I was able to fully share it all with her and she has helped! I was nervous telling her my story, but it has helped so much!

I think sometimes these journeys we go on are rough for a reason. Just a few months ago I had really hit a low point of no return. But, if all of the failures hadn't happened I would not have my beautiful 3 month old DS and he is super special. A few years ago, I would have died thinking about having 3 boys! But, he is an angel - the best baby I have ever had! He never cries and is so so happy. He truly is my rainbow and I sort of think that if I hadn't had failures he wouldn't be here and he is very much meant to be here! If we had had success with HT before we would have stopped and would have never had the chance to meet him and knowing him now that seems like such a sad idea!

The one thing that has hurt almost as much as the lost time with HT is the $$. I wish I could have put some of that to my kids college accounts. Instead, I have been running a side business for almost 10 years and have had to work that much harder to put money aside for them like I would have without HT!

I understand your travel concerns and had the same concerns with fostering as well. However, it is still there if you need it. It was definitely our next plan after adoption! I hope you can heal well!

[MrsGoodies]

I so understand what you are saying, my age gap now would be over 8 years. I am 45, DH will be 48 this year so we needed to call it quits even though I am not a quitter either, please don't regret the trying, you would only regret not trying had you not.

Take care X

Thank you for this MushyMind.

Just this morning I woke up and thought about the house we allllllllllmost bought 5 years ago...?but didnt because *I* wanted to keep doing hi-tech! My DH was ready to quit then but I thought "there will always be more houses later...i need to try for my DD NOW!"

I rationalized better to live in a small house with a little girl than a big house without her. Of course it never crossed my mind that I would be living in a small house.....without her. I feel so foolish now that I see my sons growing up....we could desperately have used the space if I only let it go then instead of clinging to a fantasy!

But you are right! At least I tried and i dont have to wonder in that regard.

Who knows? If i had chosen the big house I could be writing how I shouldnt have given up my dream for 4 walls and a huge yard being resentful for listening to my DH to quit.

(Sigh)

I just wish it had worked out for both of us instead of gong through this pain.

[MushyMind]

Thank you for this MushyMind.

Just this morning I woke up and thought about the house we allllllllllmost bought 5 years ago...?but didnt because *I* wanted to keep doing hi-tech! My DH was ready to quit then but I thought "there will always be more houses later...i need to try for my DD NOW!"

I rationalized better to live in a small house with a little girl than a big house without her. Of course it never crossed my mind that I would be living in a small house.....without her. I feel so foolish now that I see my sons growing up....we could desperately have used the space if I only let it go then instead of clinging to a fantasy!

But you are right! At least I tried and i dont have to wonder in that regard.

Who knows? If i had chosen the big house I could be writing how I shouldnt have given up my dream for 4 walls and a huge yard being resentful for listening to my DH to quit.

(Sigh)

I just wish it had worked out for both of us instead of gong through this pain.

We think so alike, oh the power of hindsight, but remember worse things could happen, I often feel so guilty for being so selfish when others can't even conceive or have illnesses.
ever since I started this journey I find myself second guessing any decision I make and as soon as I make the wrong one I feel shit about myself and it (the journey) all comes flooding back. It really has dented my self confidence. Luvmyboys I hope I find a good counsellor that understands.

However from the outside no one would ever guess how I feel... I have lots of all boy mum's but they never let up they'd like a DD, I guess it doesn't bother them. Lots of celebs are boy only mums and get on with life despite the resources to go HT, donor, surrogate so I guess we are a minority so we can heal, we only have this one life, it is unpredictable we must live in the moment not for a future dd. My old counsellor told me a dd may not live up to my expectations, she was so sure, I didn't like her, but maybe she made some sense... Argh!

I unexpectedly fell pregnant last year at 44, it was such a bitter sweet time as we were outwardly happy, we dreaded starting all over, feared another ds and hoped it would be our dd... We miscarried at 11 weeks, it was a boy. ��

Life is unpredictable ...

[MushyMind]

32907Mrsgoodies this popped up on my FB feed tonight! How true...

[MrsGoodies]

Mshymind,

You are so right!

In my heart of hearts i am glad i at least tried because that is easier than never trying at all and wondering "what if"?

The good thing about the small house is: less debt, i wont have to sell it and downsize when we're empty nesters, and i highly doubt i will have any of my adult kids hanging out and living in my basement as there simply isnt the room.

A smaller house will give us the option to travel more too (this would be delayed a decade or longer if i had a newborn right now)

Thank you for putting things in perspective for me.