Blaming myself and feeling defective

[Serenity]

I just went through my third early miscarriage. I have now lost more babies than I have managed to bring to this world.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I realized that I didn't really care if it was a boy or a girl. I was just so grateful to finally be carrying my third child.

I'm blaming myself for the loss, like maybe it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been swaying. But I lost two others before, and I wasn't swaying then.

I feel broken somehow, and I'm wondering why this has happened to me so many times. I'm also wondering why, if I don't care if I have a boy or a girl, I still want to sway, which I do. I guess it's because I am ready to love whichever baby I'm meant to have, but if I can have an influence on the process, I'd still like to have a girl. I'm doing a way lighter sway than I was before, though.

I miss my baby. I felt so lucky to have him or her, and I don't feel lucky anymore. :tissue:

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm so sorry. :( Saying that isn't enough to convey.

[MrsSparkles]

Reading this makes my heart just break for you and your loss, and I remember writing almost the same things a few months ago.

Try not to wrack your brain for the reasons, it always comes back to the facts....a huge % of miscarriages are written in the stars from conception, namely there's something not quite 'right' with the embryo.
Let the attempts at reasoning, tests, and further medical investigations, come later.
For now just know that nothing you could have done would have prevented this, you did everything right.


I think a light sway is the best idea for peace of mind, and also to help you get pregnant quicker next time.
Remember that you'll be super fertile after a miscarriage, lots of ladies seem to conceive girls after...not sure why ?

You will feel lucky again, you will get your rainbow baby.
Massive love and hugs to you, wish I could make the hurt stop for you <3

[Pbn3]

I'm so sorry for your loss serenity. I went through my second loss (missed mc) in June/July this year and wasn't swaying. My first mc in January was an early mc and I was midly swaying (after ttc for 8 cycles I just wanted to be pregnant). I have waited 3 months to ttc (only 4 weeks until my attempts start!) as per my obs advice and in that time have been doing a loose version of le as even though I just want a healthy sticky pregnancy I still hold out some small hope for a girl so ypu are not alone in feeling that way. At first I felt guilty and struggled with still having that pink desire, it almost feels like if you've had a loss/es then all gender desire should be gone and you should just be grateful if you don't have another mc. Its like a double edged sword BUT we are only human and just because we have had losses it doesn't mean we still cant have the same gender desires as everyone else. Deep down we all just want a healthy sticky pregnancy and another boy would be as much a blessing as a girl, but that pink desire will still be there just as it was prior to our losses. I hope I'm making some sense as I tend to ramble. I'm basically saying go easy on yourself, if and when you're ready to ttc again its ok to desire pink and to sway as much as or little as you want. Hugest hugs, and even though its cliche, time will heal and your broken pieces will slowly start to come back together. I used to call my second pregnancy my 'miracle baby' because I had given up ttc and conceived from one random bd in a three week period so I totally relate to how you felt so lucky to have conceived him or her, then had them taken away :( It hurts so very much and there will be many ups and downs to come. We are always here for support anytime you need xxoo

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[Pink Pony]

Thinking of you serenity. Sorry for your loss.

[Complex Emotions]

Thinking of you Serenity.

Please don't blame yourself. The time your little one had inside you was their whole experience of life. You both were lucky to share it together, even just for a short time.

I recently read "Avalanche, a Love Story" by Julia Leigh. It's her personal account of trying for a baby as a single 40 something via IVF. In the end she was unable to carry a pregnancy past the initial stages, but she took some comfort when one of her acquaintances makes a comment about how anytime sperm and egg meet it is a magical, sacred thing to have happened. It makes me wonder if any of our sway attempts were even just briefly a little life.

(Also, just so you know, I think it's time to lighten down my own sway too.)

[Serenity]

Complex, I'm sitting here, most likely pregnant again, and terrified of losing this one, too (too scared to even test, because if this one doesn't stick past the chemical stage, I'm hoping it will be easier on me if I don't have it confirmed that it was there). Your post reminded me that my last little one was lucky, because his (or her) whole tiny spark of a life was full of love. I welcomed him unconditionally, and I did everything I could to nurture him. If swaying was the cause of the loss (which I'll never know for sure - DH is 41 so his sperm is likely a bit questionable at this point), well, I wouldn't have done it if I really believed that that would be the end result. You always think that the worst case scenario won't happen to you, until it does. Now that I know, I've lightened up my sway considerably, and I'm hoping that will give this pregnancy a better chance of sticking, boy or girl.

One thing my loss has taught me is to trust in the depth of my love for my children. I am fully capable of accepting them for exactly who they are, without reservation, and I'm grateful for that. My oldest son has ADHD and he's very challenging, and I've always loved him, understood him, and celebrated everything about him. I'm ready to celebrate whichever baby I'm lucky enough to be given care of. I really think three boys would be lovely, and although I know that this would represent the loss of a daughter for me, I'm ready to be deliriously happy about it if it's what's meant to be. I feel humbled before God - I think this process of losing my baby and losing half our income at the same time is His way of teaching me gratitude. Because I had such a terrible childhood, I think I've been walking around feeling like life owes me and I should always get exactly what I want, to make up for what I went through - I've been an entitled brat. His grace is teaching me that I need to cultivate gratefulness for all the things in my life that went right. I have a strong husband and beautiful children, and they are alive today. I do not need more than this.

Thank you to everyone for your previous words of kindness and support. They helped. :happy:

[Babygirlquest]

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